Twice Loved

by Wendy Lindstrom

  “But too young to know that we’d be different people now.”

  “We haven’t changed.”

  Evelyn curled her fingers into a fist, her chipped nails digging into her palm. Even though she sat beside him in a silk dress with her hair in curls, Kyle couldn’t see that she’d changed from his childhood friend into a woman who needed love. They’d even kissed each other and he couldn’t see a difference!

  She lowered her gaze to the fingernail she was destroying with her nervous picking. “I want a marriage based on more than friendship and promises,” she said.

  “What else would you base a marriage on?” Kyle rammed his fingers through his hair. “You aren’t making any sense, Ev. Something has been going on with you and I have no idea how to talk to you anymore.”

  “That’s because we don’t talk to each other. We have business meetings. We argue over the livery. You haven’t spoken from your heart about your dreams since you were nineteen years old.”

  “I don’t care about dreams,” he said in exasperation. “I have too many people depending on me to let my mind wander off on a tangent.”

  The rising irritation in his voice unnerved Evelyn, but she forced herself to continue. “We live our lives too differently, Kyle. I want picnics and to spend time with my husband who will share a cup of tea with me late at night while we talk about our life together. I want tickling matches with our children and a man who knows how to laugh. I haven’t heard an honest laugh from you in years. I’m afraid I never will.” She held his gaze, her own growing misty. “I’m afraid I’ll never hear you say you love me.”

  He closed his eyes and released a long, tired sigh. “Ev, love usually comes after marriage.”

  Though she was relieved Kyle didn’t suddenly proclaim his love and make it more difficult for her to break their engagement, it still hurt knowing he couldn’t say he loved her. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life searching for something that isn’t possible between us,” she said quietly.

  “How do you know what’s possible? We haven’t spent more than a few minutes together since we got engaged. You’ll see the possibilities after we’ve spent some private time together.”

  She shook her head. “No, I won’t because I’m not going to marry you.”

  His eyebrows plunged downward. “What are you talking about?”

  “I want more than a partnership,” she whispered, clenching her hands in front of her.

  He stared as if she’d lost her mind. “I’m not calling off this wedding, Evelyn. I’ve invested too much time to start over. You’ll just have to settle for a man who knows about honoring his promises and being loyal. It may not be a picnic or a cup of tea, but it’s my best offer.”

  Evelyn had never regretted anything more than the anguish she saw in his face, but she forced herself to finish making the break. “I can’t accept your offer.”

  Kyle’s fists clenched around the reins and he glared at her for several long seconds. “Get out. I can’t talk to you right now.”

  She touched his arm. “I can explain this better if you’d just calm down and listen a minute.”

  He jerked away from her. “I’m not interested in talking tonight. I’m going to find Perry Morton and kill him for spiking that punch you were drinking all evening.”

  “It’s not the punch influencing my decision.”

  He jumped out of the carriage, caught her around the waist, and swung her out, planting her feet on the ground. “We’ll settle this tomorrow when you’re thinking straight,” he said then climbed aboard, snapped the reins, and bolted out of her driveway.

  Confused and hurting, Evelyn turned toward the quiet sanctuary of her livery. Even if she couldn’t communicate with Kyle anymore, she didn’t want to lose his friendship. Tomorrow she’d go talk to him and try to make him understand that breaking their engagement had been the right thing to do.

  She wandered across the lawn, seeking a place to calm her mind and find a way to reach through Kyle’s anger.

  When Radford stepped from the darkened doorway of the livery, she gasped and stumbled back a step. She’d forgotten about the light in the window.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Radford moved into the moonlight and Evelyn’s breath caught. She should go to the house, but she couldn’t force herself to turn away from the appeal in his eyes.

  “Every time I saw you in Kyle’s arms tonight, I wanted to shove him aside and pull you into my own,” he said.

  Her heart pounded and her gaze locked with his.

  “I can’t pretend anymore, Evelyn. I’ve fallen in love with you,” he said, his gaze dark, intense.

  Stunned, she could barely force herself to reply. “I love you, too,” she whispered.

  He held out his hand. “Then come here,” he said, his voice compelling her to move toward him.

  He drew her inside the barn, pushed the door closed with his shoulder then guided her to the tack room. Soft yellow light reflected in his eyes. “Unless you tell me otherwise, I’m going to tell Kyle how I feel. I have to, Evelyn.” His dark-eyed gaze moved over her like a gentle caress as he stepped forward and brushed his thumb across her cheek. “I’ve never experienced this feeling in my life. I don’t want to lose it. I want to marry you.”

  Wings of joy lifted her heart. She wanted to be his wife, his friend, and mother to his beautiful daughter. And yet to do so would crush Kyle. Overcome with emotion, her eyes filled with moisture.

  The fecund smell of hay and leather mixed with the fragrance of Radford’s cologne and the lingering hint of a sweet cigar. He wanted to marry her…

  “We’ll talk more in the morning then I’ll go talk to Kyle.”

  Despite her heartache, she didn’t want to leave Radford just yet. She needed to talk with him, to share her heartache. “I broke my engagement with Kyle tonight. He was…angry.”

  Radford’s eyes widened and he stared at her. “I’m sure he was.”

  “I couldn’t promise to love and honor Kyle when I wanted to be with you,” she said.

  “You really broke your engagement?”

  She nodded.

  “Kyle must have been—”

  Evelyn put her fingers over his mouth. “He was very upset, and it breaks my heart. I love Kyle. I always will. You need to know that, Radford.”

  “That goes without saying, just as I love him, Evelyn.” He linked fingers with her and brought her knuckles to his lips. “I’m sorry to be the cause of so much pain.”

  She sighed. “You’re a fountain of love, Radford. It’s our situation that’s causing us pain, not you.” Embarrassed of her rough hands, she tried to tug her hand from him. “My hands are…a disaster.”

  “They’re beautiful. I love your callused hands and the way they treat my daughter. I love the way they care for your father. They’re beautiful, honest hands.”

  She lowered her lashes. “Radford, there’s a question that’s been nagging me and I…I need to know…did you love Rebecca’s mother?”

  He sighed and shook his head. “I’m ashamed to say it, but no. I didn’t love her. Not like this anyhow.” He ran his thumb over Evelyn’s knuckles. “When I met Olivia, I’d just come off the battlefields after three years of doing and witnessing things that ate holes in my conscience. I was trying to distract my mind from the war and I found that distraction with Olivia. She didn’t love me, nor I her.”

  “I’m glad. I know that makes me a small person, but I can’t lie and say otherwise.”

  He smiled at her honesty. “I’m glad, too, otherwise I would have missed loving you.”

  He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed her palm. “We’d go inside.”

  “Yes,” she said, but neither of them moved.

  Slowly, Radford lowered his lips to hers in a tender kiss filled with love.

  “How dare you!” Kyle’s enraged shout jolted Radford and Evelyn apart. An instant later Kyle stormed into the room. He stood like a steel beam, his fists clenched at his s
ides, face and neck red with anger. “I knew you were trying to hide something from me,” he said to Evelyn. He swung his accusing gaze back to Radford, his teeth bared as he moved forward. “You sneaking wretch!”

  “Evelyn, go in the house,” Radford said, wanting to get Evelyn out of harm’s way. He knew Kyle’s anger well and it was not to be taken lightly.

  Kyle glared at her as if daring her to move.

  “There’s more involved here than you think,” Radford said.

  “You can’t know what I think,” Kyle said, crossing the floor and jerking Radford away from Evelyn by his shirt.

  “Don’t, Kyle. We’ll both regret it.” Radford tried to dislodge Kyle’s hands, but they were locked on his shirt like a vise.

  Kyle’s fist blasted into Radford’s jaw, followed by a hard punch to the stomach that slammed him into the wall. Radford curled forward from the loss of breath, trying to reason with Kyle as darkness hummed around his head.

  “Don’t you dare pass out,” Kyle said from the distance. “I’m nowhere near finished.”

  Evelyn’s voice sounded a mile away, but as Radford’s head cleared he could see her standing in the doorway with her hand over her mouth, her eyes filled with horror. “Kyle, stop this!”

  “Get out, Evelyn,” both men said in unison.

  “Not until you two regain your sanity!”

  Kyle gave a derisive bark of laughter. “That’s right. I am crazy. I must have been to ever trust either of you.” He swung his fist, but Radford deflected the blow.

  “Kyle!” Evelyn shrieked. She ran to him, pulling hard on his bulging arm. “Please stop this!”

  He yanked his arm free. The loss of support propelled her backward and sent her careening into the wall. Harnesses tangled in her flailing arms and a saddle spun sideways, falling to the floor and taking her with it.

  “Stay away from me!” Kyle yelled. “Don’t you dare beg for him. You are as much to blame as he is.”

  Radford had never seen Kyle this out of control. Not even during their fights as kids. But he’d heard and seen enough. He shoved past him and helped Evelyn stand. “Get out of here,” he said gently.

  Kyle grabbed Radford’s arm and spun him around. “Keep your hands off her!” he warned. Then he threw another punch that caught Radford below the eye.

  Kyle had a right to be angry and hurt, and Radford couldn’t raise his fist to Kyle. Not now. Not after what he’d done.

  “You’re hurting him!” Evelyn cried as Kyle pummeled Radford.

  “Are you afraid I’ll mess up his pretty face?” Kyle asked. “Did he speak of dreams and faraway places? Did he promise you picnics and tea parties?”

  “Kyle, I’m sorry. You don’t understand.”

  “That’s right. I don’t!” he said, taking a shot at Radford’s exposed jaw.

  Evelyn screamed and raced from the tack room.

  Radford gripped Kyle’s shirtfront and hauled him toward the wall. If he could just keep him pinned he could avoid Kyle’s fist and not have to hit him back. But holding a man Kyle’s size stationary was like trying to stop Niagara Falls from flowing. It could not be done.

  Kyle shoved hard and sent Radford stepping backward frantically as he tried to keep his feet beneath him. And he would have if not for Kyle’s fist. Radford felt the sting on his cheek then the door frame smash into his ribs as he slid to the floor. Pain ripped through his side and sparked the old angry fire that had once raged within him.

  He would have stayed on the floor to catch his breath and rein in his growing anger, but Kyle hauled him to his feet. It had been so much easier when they were younger and Radford was bigger than Kyle. Usually a thump on the head settled any problems. Radford fervently hoped it would work now. He ducked Kyle’s flying fist then swung hard, feeling great regret even before he connected with Kyle’s jaw.

  Kyle’s head jerked and he grinned as blood seeped from his split lip. “At least you’ll act like a man and fight. I was afraid you had become a complete coward.”

  Radford answered the insult with his fists and Kyle greedily took them, appearing to savor the pain as he returned a hard shot for every one received.

  The black rage was growing within Radford and he pushed it back, fighting it fiercely, trying to bat away Kyle’s fists, unwilling to do any more damage to his brother’s flesh. But the blows from Kyle’s fists burst upon Radford’s body in explosions of pain that felt like flying shrapnel.

  The monster within Radford crawled to its knees. Panic engulfed him. He was losing control. “Kyle, stop! You have to stop now!”

  Laughter filled the room and an explosion burst in Radford’s head, filling the blackness with angry red sparks...

  Atlanta was burning! Its blaze roared like a red monster in the night sky. Muskets cracked in the thickets and battered Radford’s shirtfront with piercing shards of metal. Shells whistled past his ears and ripped the flesh from his face.

  The sinister being within him rose to its feet.

  His fists curled into weapons of death. With every fiber of his being he swung, throwing his fists out like hammers, taking great satisfaction in each dull thud that met his enemy’s flesh. He would not watch another one of his friends slaughtered by this war to be left in mutilated heaps of bloodied flesh! His torn knuckles punctuated each burden this war had forced upon his conscience. He struck out at the senseless waste of lives and the animal it was forcing him to become.

  Anger-filled eyes glared up at him then shifted and became Kyle’s red-faced visage.

  Suddenly the screams of battle became Evelyn’s scream. William and Doc Kendall yanked at his arms. Radford glanced back at the enemy beneath him, and the murderous Confederate became his own brother!

  Radford gasped and recoiled in horror.

  He scrambled away and gaped at his shaking hands as though they belonged to a stranger. That they had beaten his brother was an offense not to be borne.

  Wildly he glanced around him for signs of his bed, that this was a nightmare and he wasn’t yet fully awake. Sickened, he looked to William and the doctor, but the truth was in their accusing eyes. Evelyn stood in the doorway, frozen with fear.

  A gasp of denial wrenched from his throat and he buried his face in his palms. “No! Nooooo...” He rocked upon the floor, balancing on the edge of sanity. He didn’t do this. He didn’t. Dear God. Oh, no.

  Furious, he sprang from the floor and slammed his fist against the wall. The violent crack sent everyone back a step. “No!” he bellowed again with all the frustration that boiled within him. He spun on Kyle and tried to point his finger, but his hand was shaking so badly he let it fall to his side. “I warned you to stop. I warned you!” he shouted.

  Kyle met his rage with a cold glare. “I was past the point of heeding your warning.” He got to his feet then braced his hands on his knees and hung his head. “Why, Radford?” he asked, breathing raggedly as blood dripped from his nose. “You’re my brother.”

  Seeing him like that, bleeding, hurting, so justified in his anger, was a pain more crippling than any of Kyle’s vicious blows. It sapped every ounce of Radford’s remaining strength. His teeth chattered and he sagged against the wall. He turned to William and the doctor. “Would you leave us alone? Please.”

  They exchanged a glance then backed from the room. Evelyn lowered her hands, tears making tracks down her face as she looked at Radford. The horrified wonder in her expression cut to his bones and he felt his own throat ache with unbearable anguish.

  “You have to get help.” She caught her cry behind her hand and raced from the livery.

  Even after his worst battle, Radford hadn’t felt this defeated. He turned to Kyle. “Do you love her?”

  Kyle flashed a look of contempt. “That’s none of your business!”

  “I need to know,” Radford said, sliding down the wall until he sat with bent knees.

  “I asked her to marry me, didn’t I? There’s your answer!”

  “Then why...” Radford w
anted to ask Kyle why he didn’t show her or tell her that. Why did he put the mill first? Why didn’t he tell Evelyn she was beautiful when it was so obvious she needed to hear that? He wanted to ask, but he couldn’t.

  Kyle arched a split eyebrow emphasizing the growing goose egg. “Why what?”

  “Why did you let Evelyn and me think you didn’t love her?”

  Kyle groaned and sat wearily on the floor. “I was busy and distracted.” He leaned back against the heavy oak desk. His shirtfront was covered with blood. His nose had stopped bleeding, but there was a red smudge across his cheek where he’d wiped it with his sleeve. “Evelyn should know how I feel about her. We’ve been friends since the day I cut her pigtail off with my new jackknife. And I was building her a house.” Silence filled the air for a long moment. “She knew how I felt,” Kyle said forlornly. He rolled his head toward Radford, his eyes damp and accusing. “I trusted you.”

  “We tried to stop our feelings for each other.”

  “Shut up! I don’t want to hear your pitiful excuses.” He pointed a shaking finger at Radford. “Just stay away from her!”

  Radford eyed his brother and realized there was more to Kyle’s anger. “This isn’t just about Evelyn, is it?” he asked.

  Kyle didn’t answer.

  “You’ve never forgiven me for leaving.” Radford shook his head. “It all makes sense now. You felt I owed it to you to fill Dad’s shoes when he died. You felt I deserted you.”

  “You did.”

  “I couldn’t stay here.”

  Kyle pierced him with a cold stare. “You were a hero, Radford. This town worshiped you. That alone would have kept our mill running without any sweat.”

  “It would have been a lie.”

  They eyed each other for an intense moment before Kyle nodded. “I’m beginning to believe that. All I’ve ever seen in you is a coward and a cheat.” He staggered to his feet. “Is that why you’ve never shown us that medal of bravery you received? Because you couldn’t stand to look at it and know the truth?”

  Shame surged through Radford and made his fists shake. He raised his eyes to Kyle who stood hunched and bleeding above him. “Get out.”