Twice Loved

by Wendy Lindstrom

  “What are you doing on Grandpa’s bed?” Radford asked as he entered the room.

  Rebecca looked up and her shoulders sagged. “He won’t wake up, Daddy.”

  Radford leaned over and cupped her chin. “Grandpa needs his sleep, and so do you. Kiss him good night, so Grandma can take you home.”

  “I want to stay here with you, Daddy.”

  Radford shook his head, but Evelyn caught his eye. “Let her stay with us,” she said. Doc Kendall had delayed leaving because of her father’s collapse, which provided a suitable chaperone that had allowed Radford to stay and keep vigil with Evelyn throughout the long night hours.

  “All right, sprite, you can stay,” he said. “Come on.”

  She laid her head on William’s chest and gave him a hug only children know how to give then kissed his flaccid cheek. “‘Night, Grandpa.”

  After they left, Evelyn thought about how much she loved those two. She hadn’t planned to love them. But she did.

  “Evewyn?”

  Her father’s hoarse voice startled her and she hurried to his side. “Thank the Lord, you’re awake.”

  “Where’s your movvurr?”

  “Mother?” she asked, having difficulty understanding his slurred speech. When he nodded, she was sorry she’d guessed correctly. “She’s not here, Papa.”

  He looked confused for a moment then comprehension lit his eyes. “Thaz right.” His lips compressed and he averted his face. She smoothed back his thin hair, understanding how deeply his heart ached. Slowly, he returned his misty gaze to hers. “Whaa are you doin’ abouu Raforr ann Kyle.”

  Intense shame washed through Evelyn. More than anything in the world, she’d wanted to make her father proud. “I’m so sorry, Papa. I didn’t mean to let you down.” Her eyes filled and her throat convulsed as she tried to hold back her tears. “I tried not to love Radford, but I do. I can’t marry Kyle.”

  He fumbled for her fingers, his own trembling with the effort. “I unnerstan.” He gave her hand a weak pat. “Our heart chooses who we love, pixie. Just wiz I could stay arounn to see my grannchillen.”

  She covered his lips with her fingers. “Don’t say that.” She laid her head on his chest, fighting the ocean that threatened to spill from her eyes. “Please don’t say that.”

  He turned his head until her fingers lay upon his hollow cheek. “Evewyn.” With resignation she lifted her head and looked down at him. “I wannn you happy. Raaforr lovz you.”

  “You’re right, William.” Evelyn’s glance flew to Radford who stood in the doorway, hands in pockets, eyes dark.

  “Come here, Raaforr. Wannn talk to you, too.”

  Radford placed a chair beside the bed. “Glad to see you’re awake. Rebecca’s been waiting for a story.”

  A weak chuckle sounded in William’s throat. “Thaz your job now. And you be’er take care of my daugh’er.”

  “I intend to.”

  His gaze locked on Radford. “We need to talk, son.”

  “I’ll check on Rebecca,” Evelyn said, respectfully leaving them alone.

  “Don’t have muz strength for this, but some things need sayin’.”

  “I’ve got all night, William.”

  “I don’t, so lizzen to me for once. Your father raiz four sons to be prouu of and I love all you boys. You muss find a way to fix things with Kyle.”

  Shame and sorrow consumed Radford. “If it takes the rest of my life, I’ll find a way. I swear it.”

  William nodded. “Your father was a good frienn, but you and I had a spezial frienzship, Raaforr. Our time togezzer in the war was hard, but it made us close—like father and son. It made us strong.” William paused to catch his breath. “I know why you thinn you’re a cowarr.”

  The statement shocked Radford. “You were there. My actions speak for themselves.”

  “You’re no cowarr, Raaforr. Time you faced that.”

  Radford believed he had accepted the truth, but he remained mute.

  “Remember the promizz you made me affer Chancellorsville?”

  Radford nodded, remembering the words he had spoken to William after deserting from his first battle. He’d promised to conquer his fear and face each battle like a man, to embrace each moment of his life with passion, and to trust in the caliber of his own character.

  “Truz yourself, Raaforr. You’re worthy of my daugh’er’s love and her belief in you. Don’t let her down.”

  Radford clasped the hand of his best friend, his father, his mentor. “I’m sorry for this situation, William. I never meant for this to happen, but I do love her. I intend to marry her as soon as I straighten out a few things.”

  “You’re lettin’ it eat you up, Raaforr. Just turn arounn and look at it!” William said, his chest heaving from emotion. “Stop runnin’. My daugh’er needs you. So does Rebecca.”

  “I know.”

  “Then take care of it.” His hand trembled. “Take care of Evewyn for me.” His eyes teared and he sighed tiredly. “She’s my life. An’ don’t wait no mournin’ period to marry her. Don’t believe in all that hogwash.”

  “I’m hoping there won’t be any need, William. I’ve been looking forward to parking my rocking chair next to yours someday and seeing if I can’t outdo some of those tall tales you tell Rebecca.”

  His eyes crinkled at the corners, pushing aside the sheen of moisture that had welled up. “Never happen,” he said. “Tazes years of practice to get that full of malarkey.”

  “Then you’d better perk up. Rebecca’s missing you.”

  Radford felt the faint squeeze of William’s hand. “That li’l one gave this old man sumpin’ worth living for. You tell her thaz for me when she’s ole ‘nough to unnerstann.”

  Radford nodded, too overcome by emotion to answer.

  William coughed weakly, winded from his moments of talking; still, he clung to Radford’s hand. “Let Evewyn help you. You have nothin’ to be ‘shamed of, Raaforr. You need help to unnerstann that.”

  “Thank you,” Radford said, admiring the man who had given him so much, who had protected him like a son, and taught him by example how to become a man.

  “Do it for me,” William said, his eyes drifting closed. “Do it for an ole man who lovz you.”

  Radford clenched his fist and closed his eyes, unable to watch William’s struggle to breathe. He sat up and wiped William’s face with the wet cloth that had been lying in the basin. “This battle isn’t over yet, William. Now fight!” he whispered fiercely, his fingers clenched in the cold cloth.

  But William didn’t respond to Radford’s command and his breathing grew more labored despite Doc Kendall’s renewed attention and Evelyn’s continuous prayers. The three of them sat at William’s side until Radford forced the doctor to go to bed. Eventually, exhaustion claimed Evelyn, and she dozed in her chair. William’s breathing grew more labored, and though he roused occasionally, he was no longer lucid.

  Late in the night, Radford was finally forced to wake Evelyn. Filled with remorse, he brushed the hair from her face and watched her eyes flutter open. “You’d better wake up, love.”

  A flash of understanding filled her eyes and she bolted from the chair. “Papa!” She rushed to her father’s side. He lay on the mattress, his face transparent, lids closed over sunken eyes. Wisps of white hair sparsely covered his skull. She took his hand and felt the squeeze of his frail fingers.

  A hint of a smile tugged one corner of his mouth as he gazed up with dazed eyes. “Mary?”

  Evelyn opened trembling lips to correct him, but Radford squeezed her shoulder and shook his head. They exchanged a long, meaningful look before she nodded.

  Her father’s grip became more insistent. “Mary?” he called, concern strengthening his voice.

  Evelyn leaned close and cupped his face. “I’m here,” she said, knowing it was kinder to lie.

  “Knew you’d wait.” He relaxed and pressed his cheek into Evelyn’s palm. “Ah, Mare...” he whispered as his eyes drifted clo
sed.

  Evelyn held his hand as he passed away. Memories of her beautiful, giving father should have given her strength to face his death, but it made the pain of her loss unbearable. The unjustness of a strong man being reduced to such a weakened state made her angry and a cry of denial burst from her lips. “No!” She clasped his hand and shook it gently. “Not yet! Papa.”

  Her high pitched wail cut through Radford and he pulled her into his arms. He felt the stiffening in her body, heard the long, pain-filled cry as the beginning of her first sob erupted and shredded his composure. He stroked her back, his pity choking him while he listened to her lose her battle. Deep, wretched sobs erupted from her throat and she clung to him while her tears wet his shirt and soaked his chest. Each sorrow-filled cry wracked her body and pierced him with helplessness.

  Her grief rent his composure. The tears he tried to suppress clogged his throat and left him gasping. He listened to her broken cries, catching fragments of things that might have been, that she’d hoped for.

  He pressed his wet cheek to her hair. His own grief consumed him and he clutched her to him while they wept, knowing that each of them had lost something invaluable in their lives.

  “He wanted grandchildren... and to give me away on my wedding day, and, oh, Radford... I wanted him to live!”

  “Me, too, love. Me, too.” It was agony to hear the rending of emotions that released the pain in Evelyn’s soul. She had suffered so much and asked for so little. Radford cradled her in his arms and kissed her temple. “I’m sorry.”

  As Evelyn clung to Radford, she felt his chest heave beneath her fist and his throat convulse against her temple. She touched his wet, unshaven chin and he kissed her palm.

  She drew back and looked into gold eyes that were surrounded by wet, spiky lashes. “How will we tell Rebecca?” The thought alone made her cry again and she knew that Radford wept, too, because he couldn’t answer right away.

  “We’ll wait until morning,” he finally said. “It might be easier then.”

  “This will never be easy.”

  Doc Kendall opened the door and Radford shook his head. The doc’s expression fell and he squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his forehead to the door for several seconds. He glanced over at William for a moment then gave Radford a nod of understanding. “I’ll go tell your family,” he said then backed from the room.

  After several minutes, Evelyn quieted and Radford released her. Emotionally drained, he dragged an arm across his eyes and raked his hair off his forehead. “Where is your father’s suit?” he asked. “I can manage alone if you tell me where to find his things.”

  Evelyn was silent while tears streamed from her eyes and her shoulders shook. When Radford would have pulled her back into his arms, she straightened her back and released a quavering breath. “His underclothes are in the chest of drawers. I’ll be up in a minute with water.”

  “Let Doc Kendall help me when he gets back.”

  “He’s my father. I’ll do this for him,” she said, before leaving the room.

  When she returned, she bathed her father, talking softly to him as she drew the cloth gently over his aged skin. When she finished, she brushed away her tears that had fallen upon his chest then kissed his lips. Radford shaved her father then combed what was left of his hair. Together, they dressed him. Evelyn buttoned his shirt and Radford fixed his tie and tucked his shirt into his trousers. They tugged his socks over his swollen feet and Evelyn tied the thin laces on his Sunday shoes.

  “Papa taught me how to do this,” she whispered then buried her face in her hands. “He taught me everything I know.”

  She wept while Radford rocked her, choking back his own sorrow. For William had taught him many things, too. He’d taught him how to survive a war, and how to block the horror from his mind when he had to kill a man. But most importantly, now he had shown him how to die like a man when it was his time to go. For Radford, it was like experiencing his father’s death a second time, and it was nearly unbearable.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Kyle and Boyd brought the coffin late in the morning then helped Radford and Duke lift William’s body into the padded box. Radford met Kyle’s fierce gaze over the body of their friend and sent a silent apology with his eyes.

  Kyle’s look was cold and unforgiving.

  They carried the casket downstairs and placed it on a long oak table that had been cleared of pictures and draped with a lace cloth. Evelyn straightened her father’s suit, tears fringing her lashes as she smoothed his hair back with her palms.

  Before Radford could step around the coffin, Kyle reached out and put his hand on Evelyn’s shoulder. When she turned and saw it was Kyle offering comfort, she burst into tears and fell into his embrace.

  Radford stood at the opposite end of the coffin, wanting to haul Evelyn and Kyle into his arms and weep out his apology.

  Afraid he wouldn’t be able to control himself, Radford went to his bedroom then opened the wooden trunk that sat in the corner. Underneath a faded blue uniform, and a badly frayed hat, lay a medallion that was given to a boy undeserving of such a medal. Now it would be placed where the honor was most merited. He found the folded flag beneath a worn Bible. The edges of the cloth were frayed and held the dusty smell of age. Radford stroked his hand over the faded colors then closed the trunk and left his room.

  Evelyn and Kyle were still standing beside the casket when he came downstairs, but the instant Kyle saw him, he stalked to the kitchen, grabbed his jacket off the hook, and followed Duke and Boyd outside.

  Kyle’s animosity cut painfully deep. Radford sighed and pinned his medal over William’s heart, knowing it’s where the medal belonged.

  “That’s your medal.” Evelyn said.

  “Your father earned it.” He placed the folded flag in William’s withered hands. “He should be dressed in his uniform,” he said, but their clothing had been hanging in shreds and their boots rotting off their feet when their regiment was mustered out after three years of endless battles.

  “Papa would have been touched by this,” Evelyn said quietly. She drew a shaky breath then nodded toward the foot of the stairs where Rebecca waited uncertainly. “Rebecca’s awake.”

  Radford took Rebecca to the couch, but her gaze was riveted to the coffin where William was laid out. She leaned forward and whispered in Radford’s ear. “Why’s Grandpa sleeping in that box?”

  Pain gripped Radford’s heart as he reached for Evelyn’s hand. They linked fingers and he pulled her down beside them. “We have some sad news for you this morning.”

  Rebecca looked at Evelyn. “Is that why you’re crying?” Evelyn compressed her lips and nodded. “Did you get hurt?” Rebecca asked.

  Radford knew Evelyn couldn’t answer. He brushed Rebecca’s curls off her cheek. “Grandpa went to heaven last night.”

  Rebecca frowned in confusion. “He’s right there,” she said, “in that big box.”

  Radford glanced at Evelyn and felt helpless to explain a loss that was so devastating to all of them. “Grandpa’s spirit went to heaven last night. Today we are going to send his body to him.”

  “When will he come back?”

  “He won’t, honey.”

  Rebecca glanced at the coffin. “Wake him up and tell him to stay with us.” She tugged on Radford’s hand. “Go wake him up.”

  “I can’t,” Radford choked out.

  “Yes!” Rebecca pushed back and slid off his lap. “I don’t want him to go,” she said, running across the floor. She reached up and tugged frantically at William’s arm, jostling the coffin as she pleaded, “Wake up, Grandpa! Don’t go up there!”

  Radford sprang to his feet and swung her up into his arms. Her face crumbled and she buried her face in his neck.

  “He won’t wake up,” Rebecca cried.

  “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry.” Radford heard Evelyn’s quiet weeping beside them and he drew her into his embrace. The three of them clung together at William’s side, giving an
d receiving strength, doing what they must to make it through the moment. Radford thought he’d never lose the ache in his throat or the weight in his chest.

  It was agonizing for Radford to witness their misery. Finally, Evelyn carried Rebecca to the rocking chair and told him to join his brothers.

  After helping dig William’s grave, Radford returned to the house to change his clothes. When he descended the stairs, he found the parlor full of people who shot curious glances at the bruises on his and Kyle’s faces, but they were tactful enough not to ask questions. Evelyn stood near her father’s prone body with Kyle’s arm around her slumped shoulders. She was tense and pale and looked ready to collapse in exhaustion.

  Kyle’s presence reminded Radford that his brother had always been Evelyn’s friend, that he’d always been the one to stand by her, but Radford knew it should be his arms that offered comfort. He swallowed his irritation and kept his distance from Kyle until he saw Evelyn slip outside unattended.

  Now that they were alone for the first time in hours, Radford stopped behind her and slipped his arms around her waist.

  “I’m falling apart,” she said quietly. “I’m lost without Papa, and each time I look at Kyle and know what we’ve done, I despise myself. He’s your brother, and my friend. Even after what I’ve done to him, he’s still standing beside me. He would have never done this to us.”

  “I know. If I could turn back time, I would have told Kyle about my feelings for you long ago. I would have faced his jealousy and anger with sincere remorse rather than a rotting conscience.” Radford turned Evelyn to face him. “It’s too late now. We’ve earned our guilt. We’ll just have to pray that Kyle will remember the love and learn to forgive us someday.”

  “He won’t. To Kyle, love and honor have the same meaning.” She glanced up, her eyes dark pools of sadness. “Are you ever confused about love?”

  Radford traced the dried tear tracks on Evelyn’s cheeks with the pad of his thumb. “I know what love is every time I look at you. I know it each time I see you with Rebecca. I feel it each time you touch me or look at me with those green eyes. Don’t you ever doubt that I love you.”