Twice Loved

by Wendy Lindstrom

  “Then don’t go back to your mother’s tomorrow.”

  “I have to. Doc Kendall will be going home and we can’t share a house without a chaperone.” He raked back his hair. “I need some time, yet, Evelyn, and so do you. We’ll make it through this,” he whispered. “I promise.”

  But Evelyn believed otherwise as she returned to a house full of friends and acquaintances who’d arrived with food and their deepest sympathies. To her surprise, her friend Amelia had brought a very pregnant cat to Evelyn, saying she might appreciate the company.

  Evelyn cuddled the cat and welcomed her. The house was already too lonely. Her emotions fluctuated from gratitude to such depths of despair it exhausted her.

  Too tired to consider where her future was headed, Evelyn searched the crowd for her father to make sure he wasn’t overdoing himself. Undoubtedly he’d be in the middle of the excitement and she would have to send him a warning look to be careful. The sudden realization of why they were all gathered in her house hit her with such force it knocked the breath from her. She gasped and pressed a hand to her chest as the world rocked beneath her. Oh, Papa...

  Agatha grasped her arm. “Are you all right?”

  Crushed by the onslaught of emotion, Evelyn was unable to answer.

  Radford and Kyle were immediately at her side, their gazes clashing as they each grabbed for her arm.

  “Would you get my coat, Kyle? Pastor Ainslie is ready for the funeral now,” she said, nodding toward the pastor who was opening the door.

  Kyle nodded and went for her coat, but his kindness was beginning to smother her as thoroughly as the people pouring into her house. Another stranger had arrived and was making his way toward Evelyn and Radford.

  “George.” Radford extended a hand. “Thanks for coming.”

  “I wish it were for other circumstances,” he said.

  Radford touched Evelyn’s back. “This is George Collins. He was our first lieutenant and a close friend to Doc Kendall, your father, and myself.”

  “My deepest condolences,” George said, enfolding Evelyn’s hand in his. “Your father was a great man and a friend I’ll dearly miss.”

  “Thank you,” Evelyn replied, feeling as though she was going to faint from the press of bodies. She sighed with relief when Kyle returned with her cloak, but nearly swooned when Radford yanked it from his hand and draped it around her shoulders.

  The four Grayson men carried the casket bearing a man who had treated them like his own sons. They placed it upon thick boards crossing the grave then Radford began the eulogy.

  “I believe the best way to describe a man is through his own words,” he said. “William wrote this to me after our first major battle at Chancellorsville.” He retrieved a piece of paper from his pocket, his nervous fingers fumbling to open it. “‘A man’s actions determine his worth. Should he fail himself, he fails those who love him. There are times when he will have to dig to the very marrow of his bones to find the courage to go on. But go on he must. For any man with an ounce of pride will know his duty to his family and to himself. And if a man has one person in this world to love then each day is worth the fight.’” Radford gazed at those gathered on the hill. “William Tucker knew his duty to those who loved him. And he never let us down.” Radford folded the paper with trembling fingers then went to Evelyn and laid it in her hand. “May the strength that these words lent to me in times of need, comfort you, as well.”

  Kyle stepped forward and handed Radford William’s old Enfield rifle. The cold steel burned his shaking hands as he accepted it. He remembered his initial thrill at Camp White when he’d received his own Enfield rifle. Now, he wished to never see a rifle again.

  He had vowed the day his regiment was mustered out of service that he would never fire another shot, yet once again, he was forced by duty. Memories snaked their way through his mind, and despite the cold morning, he felt sweaty and nauseous.

  With dread, he lifted the gun and looked down the length of the gray steel barrel, seeing nothing but the bleak gray sky. Everything was gray. Gray uniforms and glinting gray guns and caustic smoke that seared his nostrils and clogged his throat until it suffocated him. His quaking knees gave out. He stumbled and lost his grip on the rifle. To his horror the gun clattered to the earth and lay like a viper at his feet. Radford scraped his palms down the legs of his trousers, trying to rub the feel of metal off his palms. Doc Kendall’s assessing gaze and George’s sympathetic one pierced him with shame.

  Kyle picked up the gun and gripped Radford’s shoulder. “Pull yourself together,” he said quietly while the crowd looked on in confusion. “Do it for William.”

  Boyd stepped up, flanking Radford between them. “You’re home now.”

  “It’s the four of us,” Duke said from behind him. He placed a heavy hand on Radford’s shoulder. “You don’t have to do it alone.”

  Radford felt the hands of his brothers on his shoulders, lending their strength. Slowly, he drew the gun up and sighted toward the farthest cloud. His hands shook, but Kyle steadied the gun until Radford could manage on his own.

  With clenched teeth, Radford pulled the trigger and fired three lone shots to mark the passing of a great man, a hero, a father. He jerked his face away from the acrid rifle smoke and thrust the gun at Kyle. But his strength was so seriously lacking, he stumbled to the casket and could barely manage the rope when they lowered it into the cold, black earth.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  “I want to go home,” Rebecca said, bursting into tears as Radford entered the room he slept in at his mother’s house. He picked her up and she clung to his neck.

  “I know, sweetheart.” Their lives were empty living without Evelyn and he had no idea how to comfort Rebecca when he could promise her nothing. He hadn’t spoken intimately with Evelyn since the funeral three days earlier. His pathetic attempts to examine his past had begun an onslaught of vicious nightmares that he fought his way out of with violent results. He’d protected Rebecca by putting her in his mother’s room, but she was rebelling against being uprooted again. Kyle had moved into his own house the day of their fight, and other than his brief comment at William’s funeral, he hadn’t spoken a word to Radford since.

  If he could only roll back time to when he was seventeen and start all over again. He’d fight the war like a man. He’d come home to the hero’s welcome he deserved. He’d shoulder the burden of supporting his family as he should have when his father passed away. He would pledge his love to Evelyn and make her his wife long before the idea ever entered Kyle’s head. But he couldn’t roll back time. He couldn’t undo any of his mistakes. All he could do was try and make restitution.

  Rebecca couldn’t wait for him to wrestle down his past and pull his life together. She needed him now. So did Evelyn.

  After supper, Radford trudged across the snow-covered field toward the mill, his muscles straining beneath the heavy weight of the chain Evelyn had borrowed from Kyle last August.

  His arms trembled and, despite the cold, he was covered with sweat by the time he crossed the yard. How would he apologize for what he’d done? What words could convey the depth of his regret? He could offer an explanation and honest apology. The most he could hope for was an opportunity to repair the damage. The rest would be up to Kyle.

  An inch of snow offered little cushion for the fifty pounds of iron that Radford dumped behind his brother.

  With a yelp, Kyle spun around, his expression startled and fierce. “What are you doing?”

  “Returning your chain.”

  Kyle kicked it. “I didn’t want it back.”

  “And I didn’t want to fall in love with Evelyn, but I’m learning that life isn’t about what we want.”

  They measured each other while the distant sound of a saw filled the frigid air that cut through Radford’s clothing, chilling his sweat-covered body.

  Kyle’s expression remained hard. “Are you finished?”

  Kyle’s anger was justified, but R
adford needed to break through it, to make Kyle understand how an innocent situation evolved into betrayal. He extended his hand, reaching for his beloved brother, willing to beg for his forgiveness if it came to that. “I’m sorry, Kyle. I need to make amends and tell you why it happened.”

  “So you can relieve your guilt?” Kyle glanced at Radford’s waiting hand then turned his back and grabbed his axe. “Not interested.”

  Radford curled his cold fingers into his palm, drawing away from Kyle’s painful rejection. He lowered his hand, wondering if he’d ever find the words that would open his brother’s heart. “I realize I deserted you when Dad died. I deserted all of you. Now, I’m deserting Evelyn when she needs me most. I can’t run anymore, Kyle. It’s killing me and draining the life from my daughter.”

  Kyle’s shoulders stiffened. “What do you want me to say? That all is forgiven? That I hope you and Evelyn are happy?” He turned back to Radford. “I had a life planned and you dumped the mill on my shoulders. My wedding was one week away and you took my bride. How am I supposed to forgive that?”

  Kyle’s words sliced through Radford and he knew he was asking too much.

  “Dad built this mill for you, Radford. When he was dying, he made me promise I’d keep it going. I stayed. I tore up my train ticket and unpacked my suitcase. I know you made your sacrifices, too, Radford, but for five years, I sweated blood and kept my promise to Dad. My life is here now.” He swung his arm out to encompass the mill. “I built this. My back. My hands. My life.” He lowered his arm, his expression raw with pain. “I was going to be a lawyer. I became a mill owner instead. This is my life. Evelyn was supposed to share it with me. I don’t know what you want from me, but I think I’ve sacrificed enough.”

  Radford nodded. How selfish he’d been. How many other lives had he ruined because he’d been too consumed by his own pain? Rebecca’s? Evelyn’s? It didn’t matter. Even one was too many.

  “I became a soldier because I had to,” he said, nostalgia and regret making his voice hoarse. “I wanted to be a mill owner.” He met Kyle’s eyes, knowing his brother deserved the truth. “I didn’t want to go. I had dreams for this place.” Radford’s gaze traveled the mill with longing. “A lot like this, but not as grand. I would have had more men and less saw. You did it smarter.” He shrugged, knowing it no longer mattered. “The Union didn’t want crippled men so I went in Dad’s place. I promised him I’d come back alive. He believed I came back a hero. I left because I couldn’t tell him the truth.”

  Kyle shoved his hands in his pockets and flicked the chain with his boot. “I was wrong to say that about hiding your medal.”

  “It’s the truth. I didn’t earn it. William was a hero in every sense of the word. It’s where it belongs now.”

  Kyle sighed. “I don’t know what happened to you all those years ago, Radford, but I can’t pay the price anymore. I want to get on with my life.”

  “So do I.”

  “Then do it, but don’t ask me to forgive you. I don’t have it in me.”

  Kyle’s words tore through Radford like grapeshot and he stumbled back a step. Everything inside him calcified: his heart, his hopes, his dreams of reuniting with his brother. He didn’t blame Kyle. But his heart ached. “I understand,” he said. “I just wish I would have never hurt you. I don’t have words to express my regret.” He turned away, uncaring that the icy wind stung his cheeks.

  “Words won’t change anything. Enough has been said.”

  Radford turned back. “We talked with our fists. All that accomplished was beating each other bloody. My ribs are still bruised.”

  “I intended to break them. I’m glad to hear I didn’t.”

  Radford nodded. “At least you’re honest.”

  Kyle slipped the toe of his boot beneath a section of chain, making the links jangle. “We never fought like that when we were kids. Is that something you learned in the war?”

  “The only thing I learned was that I was an animal. There were no rules in those battles and I didn’t make any for myself. I used whatever advantage I had to stay alive.”

  “Well, I wish you would have told me that before I was stupid enough to hit you. My eyebrow is still lumped up.” Kyle’s lip twitched and Radford wondered if he had only imagined the flicker of amusement.

  A spark of hope blossomed and he stared at his brother, praying Kyle’s anger was beginning to thaw. “Do you think there’s any chance for us, Kyle? Ever?”

  Their gazes clashed, but Kyle remained silent, unyielding.

  With a sinking heart, Radford made one last appeal. “I never meant to betray you. The only thing that kept me alive during the war was believing I could come back to this, to my brothers. I’ll do whatever it takes, Kyle. Anything.”

  Chapter Twenty-six

  A loud pounding jolted Evelyn from sleep and she tossed the afghan onto the back of the couch, her brain frantically trying to understand why someone would be banging on her door in the middle of the night.

  “Evelyn!” Nancy Grayson’s voice was muffled by the door, but Evelyn could hear the panic in her call.

  The instant Evelyn opened the door, Nancy pushed inside. “Is Rebecca here with you?” she asked, her eyes wild with fear.

  Evelyn glanced into the dark, snowy night and her heart stopped. “No. Where’s Radford?” she asked, her own panic rising.

  “I don’t know.” Nancy burst into tears. “He left the house an hour ago. He’d had a nightmare and was thrashing around so much, Boyd went in to wake him up, but Radford was out of his mind. Both Duke and Boyd had to shake Radford awake. He was so ashamed when he realized he’d attacked his brothers that he pulled on his clothes and left the house. When I went back to my bedroom, Rebecca was gone.”

  “Maybe she’s with Radford,” Evelyn said, praying it was true.

  Nancy shook her head. “He headed toward town. Rebecca’s footprints went into the orchard, but they’re so small, and it’s so dark, the boys are having a hard time tracking them.” Her eyes welled up. “She’s in her nightgown. She’ll freeze out there.”

  “Where are the boys?” Evelyn asked, grabbing her coat off the hook and tugging it on over her nightrail.

  “They’re still searching the orchard and the creek.”

  “Go to Kyle’s house and tell him what’s happened,” she said, slipping her bare feet into a pair of her boots then grabbing the lantern off the table. “Find Radford. I’ll help look for Rebecca.”

  The instant she and Nancy stepped outside, the frigid air took her breath away. Nancy ran back across the orchard, but Evelyn stood on the steps, feeling scared to death that Rebecca was exposed to the biting wind and snow. Her first inclination was to dash into the dark and yell for Rebecca, but she stopped in the driveway, turning a slow circle, wondering where she’d go if she were a frightened little girl.

  Someplace warm. Someplace she wouldn’t be alone.

  Evelyn raced to the barn, but instead of yanking open the big double doors, she went to the small entrance door on the side. The livery was dark and silent. Her heart raced and her thoughts scattered as she stepped inside.

  She checked the tack room, praying that Rebecca had crawled up on the cot like Evelyn used to do when she was her age, but Rebecca wasn’t there. Fighting panic, Evelyn stood still and listened. The wind moaned. The rafters creaked. A sprinkling of hay slipped through the floorboards above her head and fluttered past her lantern.

  Her heart leaped and she dashed toward the ladder leading up to the loft. “Rebecca!” Evelyn lifted the lantern and climbed the ladder one-handed. The instant her head cleared the upper floor and she could look into the loft, Evelyn felt her legs and arms go weak. Rebecca was sitting beside a mound of hay with a litter of two-day-old kittens in her lap. “Honey, are you all right?” she asked breathlessly, barely able to believe Rebecca was safe.

  Rebecca sniffed and scrubbed her wet eyes. “Daddy was fighting and they hurt him.”

  “Oh, honey, your uncles were onl
y trying to wake him up.”

  “He cried and he ran away.”

  Evelyn’s breath whooshed out and she sagged against the wooden rungs of the ladder.

  Rebecca stroked the kitten in her lap, her tears dripping onto the fur beneath her fingers. “He said he wouldn’t leave me no more.”

  Evelyn pressed her fingers to her mouth, her own eyes flooding.

  A bang sounded from below then hurried footsteps, and Boyd’s frantic voice as he yelled for Rebecca.

  “Boyd! Over here!” Evelyn squatted down and ducked her head in time to see Boyd skid to a halt beside the ladder. “She’s in the loft with Missy’s new kittens.”

  He clutched his chest and fell against a stall. Panting, he stared up at Evelyn, his face white with fear. “Is she all right?”

  “Yes. Just upset.”

  He blew out a breath and shoved his wind-snarled hair out of his eyes. “It killed me to think she might be out in that. If anything had happened to that little one..” His lips compressed and his eyes beaded with moisture.

  Her own misted, and she nodded her understanding. To even think such a thing was unbearable. After a few seconds, she dragged in a breath and said, “Go let the others know we found her. I’ll keep Rebecca with me tonight.”

  “Good idea,” he said. His shoulders lowered and he pushed himself upright. “I’ll find Radford.”

  “Do you know where he went?”

  “No, but I know where I’d go.” Boyd shook his head. “He’s never going to forgive himself when he realizes what happened with Rebecca.” With that, he bolted out the door.

  Evelyn climbed into the loft and sat down beside Rebecca and the hay pile where her new cat had made its home. She kissed Rebecca’s head and snuggled her close. “I was worried about you. I’m glad you found a warm place to hide.”

  Rebecca kept her head down, quietly petting the kitten.

  Evelyn rubbed her finger over the squirming gray kitten in Rebecca’s hands. “What shall we name them?”