My Dating Disasters Diary

by Liz Rettig

  Got the board out. I love PlayStation games but Monopoly is still my favourite. Most people won’t play with me any more as I get seriously competitive about it and won’t quit until I’ve bankrupted everyone, even if it does take twelve hours and people’s wrists have seized up from dice rolling (which I so didn’t believe). So, yeah, I decided it just might take my mind off things tonight.

  We spent ages playing Monopoly, which I eventually won without cheating too much, then just messed about on my computer until nearly midnight, when Dad came in and said, ‘I’d better drive you home now, son. Any later and your parents will be waiting by the phone expecting a ransom demand.’

  Dad gave us ‘five more minutes’ to finish off what we’d been doing. Actually this was nothing now but I didn’t want Chris to leave right away. I hadn’t spent so much time with him in a while and it was great to know we were as close as ever. Maybe even closer somehow.

  Before he left I said, ‘Promise me you’ll never change, Chris.’

  ‘I can’t promise that, Kelly Ann. Everyone changes.’

  ‘Suppose. What I mean is, we’ll always be friends, won’t we? You’ll still want to see me, no matter what happens? Still have time for me?’

  He stared at me silently for a moment, then said slowly, ‘I’ll always have time for you, Kelly Ann.’

  ‘Even if you get another girlfriend,’ I persisted. ‘Promise me.’

  ‘I promise.’ He paused then continued, ‘And if she’s the right girl, I expect I’ll see you as much as ever. Maybe more.’

  God, I hoped the next one was OK and not some jealous, stupid liar like Emily. Maybe she’d even be someone I could like and get on with. Someone more like me. Yeah, that would be great.

  TUESDAY DECEMBER 14TH

  Went Christmas shopping with Mum straight after school and passed the place where the fortuneteller had been but her stall wasn’t there any more.

  She’d been eerily right about my meeting famous people, and it having an effect on my life, although the effect had been pretty traumatic both times. Remembered that she also said I’d find True Love early in life but there’s been no sign of that so far. In fact, I’m practically the only girl in my year who’s never had a boyfriend. Not even a single date.

  Wished I could talk to her again and ask her why that bit of her prediction hadn’t come true. Just the bad stuff.

  Mum went into La Senza and told me to stay outside so I guessed she was buying me some underwear for Christmas. Spotted a store security person and decided to ask if he knew where the fortuneteller was now.

  ‘Most likely prison, love. She got done for benefit fraud. Been claiming unemployment for years while she’s been raking it in as a clairvoyant. Didn’t foresee the Fraud Squad coming though, eh? Some fortuneteller. Bloody con artist.’

  He was probably right. I’d been stupid to believe her.

  That’s it. Mum’s been right about me all along. I’m going to stop being stupid and start growing up. From now on I’ll be mature and sensible at all times.

  WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 15TH

  Put itching powder in Shelly’s orange tights at dress rehearsal today. Had a great time watching her desperately trying to scratch her legs while wearing a huge pumpkin costume. He he.

  It was the only fun thing to happen in this play though. Mrs Conner has ‘modernized’ the script so that Cinderella’s stepmother employs a therapist to resolve conflicts arising from extended family issues. Cinderella attends assertiveness training, which helps her refuse to do more than her fair share of the housework and insist on an invitation to the ball and decent clothing without the aid of any fairy godmother.

  At the end of the story she refuses the Prince’s offer of marriage because she wants to pursue her career and anyway disapproves of monarchy.

  Totally boring, but no one argued with Mrs Conner except Shelly.

  ‘If there’s no fairy godmother, how come we need a pumpkin then?’

  ‘Iconic symbolism,’ Mrs Conner said smoothly.

  This shut Shelly up as she didn’t know what it meant. Me neither. But I do know not to argue with Conner.

  Was talking to Chris about the holidays today. He told me they were going to an aunt’s in Manchester over Christmas but would be home for the New Year. He also said that both his mum and dad were working night shifts on New Year’s Eve, so there wouldn’t be a party at his house and he wasn’t sure what he was doing then. I said he could come to our house – I was sure it would be OK with my parents – so he said, yeah, he’d like that.

  Am really pleased about this as usually it’s just family and nobody my age comes. Don’t adults know how totally boring and stupid they are when they get drunk? If they’re not dancing around like chimps on ecstasy they’re repeating the same awful joke and laughing themselves sick. Thank God for Chris.

  FRIDAY DECEMBER 17TH

  Called Bernadette and asked if she’d like to meet up on Sunday. Didn’t really want to as she’s incredibly boring company, but she’d been so nice to me I felt I had to. Also felt sorry for her having no friends and an embarrassing mum. I now know what both those things feel like.

  Was gobsmacked but really pleased when she told me she was too busy because, guess what, she’d got a boyfriend.

  She prattled on for ages about him. He sounds just as boring as she is. Bernadette says his parents are nudists who walk around the house all day totally starkers. She and Thomas have bonded over having embarrassing parents.

  ‘But I think Thomas’s parents are worse, don’t you?’ Bernadette said happily.

  Oh God, yes. Much, much worse.

  Bernadette dating and all loved up. It’s hard to believe. Maybe it’s true what Mum says: ‘There’s someone for everyone.’

  Not for me though.

  SATURDAY DECEMBER 18TH

  Went to watch our school in a friendly match against St Ann’s. Hardly anyone turned up to watch as it was so cold – even players’ girlfriends and parents mostly stayed away.

  We didn’t play very well, and lost again, but by the end of the match I wasn’t really caring as I’d practically stopped paying any attention to the game at all. Instead, all I could think about was how good he looked in his football strip; so much fitter and more confident than any other player. Why had I never noticed this before?

  Of course, I knew he was a goodlooking guy – lots of girls fancied him, but not me. I wasn’t starting to fancy him, was I?

  Oh God, I hoped not. It would just lead to trouble and me making a total idiot of myself again. I was not going to let that happen.

  MONDAY DECEMBER 20TH

  He turned round to me and asked to borrow my rubber. I fumbled in my pencil case and found it. Kind of wished it wasn’t in the shape of frog – I haven’t replaced all my stupid kid’s stuff yet – but handed it to him anyway. Our fingertips brushed together and he smiled and said, ‘Thanks.’

  I looked at his familiar but gorgeous face and felt blood rush to my cheeks and my tummy tighten. Oh God, there was no denying it. I definitely, totally fancied him.

  Turned my face – which was now all blotchy, red and sweaty – away from him. It was hopeless. Like most boys, he’ll probably only want to date blondes, so I’ve no chance. Why, oh why did this have to happen?

  TUESDAY DECEMBER 21ST

  But it has. I can’t fight it any more. Don’t want to. I could spend all day just looking at him and thinking about him. But should I tell him? Just march up and say, ‘Hey, I know I’ve never said anything about this before but actually I really fancy you. Maybe more than fancy you’?

  No, the old stupid Kelly Ann would have done that. The new mature, grownup version is going to be sophisticated. Subtle. Yeah, this time I was determined to get it right. I would wait for the right time and place. Be patient.

  Anyway, unlike Jason he wasn’t an unobtainable celebrity living in London. I could see him almost every day. He was in the same classes as me for maths and English after all, and, thank God,
we get five periods of each a week. Who’d have thought I’d ever look forward to maths? Or imagined in my wildest dreams I’d be sorry we had holidays coming up.

  Thought about asking Liz and Stephanie for advice but decided against it. It was time to really grow up and make my own decisions. Wondered what they’d say if they knew who my secret love is.

  WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 22ND

  The pantomime was awful at first. Even though people were allowed out of classes in the afternoon to see us perform, it was mostly only first years who decided to come. Ten minutes in, when Mrs Conner told them that they couldn’t chat or mess around while it was going on, they all begged to be allowed to go back to their classes but she wouldn’t let them.

  However, everyone cheered up when Terry Docherty (dressed in a large mouse costume) ‘accidentally’ barged into Shelly, who fell over but couldn’t get up again. Nearly wet myself watching her rolling over and over in her huge pumpkin costume with her orange legs sticking up in the air. Hilarious.

  Yeah, turned out to be fun pantomime after all.

  SATURDAY DECEMBER 25TH

  Mum got me trainers, three new PlayStation games and a bicycle pump instead of the suede high heels and makeup I’d asked for. Wish she’d listen. I mean, does she want me to grow up or not? She did put a Wonderbra, some Clearasil and a Creme Egg in my stocking though, so at least she got that right.

  Angela got her usual sad stuff – bath foam, pleated wool skirts and white cotton blouses plus a new clothes brush and her very own iron and ironing board. This last was a surprise present and she threw her arms round Mum and Dad to thank them. No, honestly, one of us must be adopted. I just cannot be genetically related to my sister.

  Angela’s boyfriend got her a pale blue angora scarf. Imagination and originality are not his strong points.

  Christmas dinner was fantastic and I stuffed myself as usual. Angela is allowed to have wine at the meal now. Mum and Dad said I could have a glass too but I wasn’t sure I’d like it. I asked if I could try a sip of Angela’s and, thinking she wouldn’t mind, picked up her glass.

  Before I could take even one mouthful she’d grabbed it back from me, saying she wasn’t going to drink from anything I’d dribbled saliva on. Then she complained about me smearing her glass with my greasy fingers. If I had to touch someone else’s glass I should hold it by the stem.

  Bloody hell, felt like a leper. And all this from a person who does it with her boyfriend. Wonder if she makes him have a bath in Dettol first.

  SUNDAY DECEMBER 26TH

  Caught Angela rummaging through my room today. Bloody nerve. Said she was looking for her silver heartshaped locket with the picture of Graham and her on the inside and suggested that I’d ‘stolen’ it.

  Yeah, like I’d really want to hang a picture of my sister and her sad boyfriend round my neck. It’s true I had borrowed the chain part for one day – however, I’d definitely intended to give it and the locket back right after, but just forgot. However, now that she’d practically ransacked my room and accused me of being a thief she’d have to wait much, much longer before they were returned.

  Then I saw she had my diary in her hand. When I confronted her with this she just said, ‘Huh, like I’m really interested in your silly life. As if. You didn’t really expect to be Jason’s girlfriend, did you? I mean, you’re just a schoolgirl and he’s a famous—’ She stopped and blushed. ‘I wasn’t snooping. It just kind of fell open at that page and I sort of glanced at it … just for a second. Honestly.’

  She put the diary down and scuttled out. Yeah, could be a very long time before she gets her naff locket back. Meanwhile I have decided to write the rest of this diary in code.

  Mlkdjsfhafjfind dodfodop=mdskajd idds djdkosagkejjoia fjmfwipmfdoodd, p**1 ajdfafeoeo fapekfd. Amda djadoejf, aj eodo. Asddere ereel e[=e.

  MONDAY DECEMBER 27TH

  Think I must have chosen a code that’s a bit too complicated as I’ve no idea what I wrote yesterday. Have decided instead to store this journal in a new safe place where no one would ever possibly find it. But just to make sure it will never reveal the identity of my secret love if they do, I will call him ‘G’ – which isn’t even his real initial, so no one will ever guess. Unless of course I choose to reveal it, and I don’t intend to do that anytime soon.

  TUESDAY DECEMBER 28TH

  Liz and Stephanie came over. Decided to tell them about my secret love, especially as I wanted to use the holidays to look perfect for G and would need Stephanie’s help.

  Liz said, ‘Don’t believe it. Why him, for God’s sake? Of all the boys to pick!’

  Stephanie shrugged. ‘He’s not bad looking, but Liz is right, Kelly Ann. There are plenty of other boys.’

  ‘There may be plenty of other boys,’ I said, ‘but no one compares to G. I think he’s The One.’

  ‘You mean the one you’re going to shag? God, you do move fast once you get going,’ Stephanie said in an admiring tone.

  ‘Of course not,’ I said, shocked. ‘But if I did do it with him, it wouldn’t be shagging. It would be the physical expression of our deepest feelings.’

  Stephanie yawned.

  Liz said, ‘So, has he asked you for a date?’

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m interested yet.

  Do you think I should tell him?’

  ‘No, I think you should forget the whole thing. It will only end in disaster.’

  ‘I can’t, Liz. He’s the only one I want. The only boy I’ll ever want.’

  ‘The only one!’ Stephanie said, horrified. ‘Don’t be stupid. That’s like, well, like going into Blockbuster every week and only ever taking out the same DVD. Boring.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Liz agreed. ‘Like being offered a box of Roses chocolates and saying “I’ll just have the orange cream, thanks. Don’t care for any of the others.”’

  ‘But G isn’t a DVD or a chocolate,’ I protested. ‘I’ve got real feelings for him.’

  Liz wasn’t impressed. ‘I’ve got real feelings for orange creams but it doesn’t stop me—’

  ‘I’d do anything to get G to be my boyfriend,’ I interrupted. ‘I don’t want anyone else.’

  ‘Anything?’ Stephanie asked.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Including a leg wax?’

  ‘Um, well, yeah. If you think—’

  ‘Bikini wax?’ Stephanie said.

  ‘Maybe. But I don’t think he’d really want me to—’

  ‘Using hot wax strips?’ Stephanie persisted, staring at me for any sign of weakness.

  I hesitated. For a long time. Then, ‘OK.’

  ‘She’s serious,’ Stephanie pronounced.

  WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 29TH

  Stephanie has gone to Austria on a skiing trip with her mum so I won’t have to prove my total commitment just yet, thank God. However, she’s left instructions for a special beauty routine to be followed every single day without fail.

  Every morning I’ve to exfoliate my entire body thoroughly, then cleanse, tone and moisturize my face, neck and décolletage area (though I’m not exactly sure what that is). After this, I’ve got to apply an intensive hydrating masque to my hair, wrap my whole head in cellophane (though not my nose and mouth of course) and leave it on for a minimum of two hours, before rinsing the lot off with clarifying volcanic spa water and adding a touch of pure shine restructuring serum to the ends. All I have to do next is a quick French manicure and pedicure, then I’m ready to do my make-up.

  Once I’d mastered my morning beauty routine Stephanie would give me a night-time regimen.

  Unfortunately I slept in until twelve thirty today so was too late for my morning beauty routine. Will have to start tomorrow.

  THURSDAY DECEMBER 30TH

  Woke at eleven thirty today so only had time for exfoliating bit. Didn’t have the exfoliating product Stephanie recommended – expensive stuff with marine mineral extracts of Atlantic phyto-plankton – but scrubbed every square inch of my skin with pumice st
one and an exfoliater made from sugar, which I’d heard can work almost as well.

  I’m sure it probably did my skin good even if I was a bit red and sore afterwards and Mum said I looked like a boiled, skinned rabbit. But just so long as I am beautiful when G finally sees me I don’t care.

  However, I did feel bit sticky afterwards – maybe it’s salt and not sugar you’re supposed to use. Think I’ll create my own beauty regime next year instead of relying on Stephanie.

  FRIDAY DECEMBER 31ST

  New Year’s Eve. It was nearly midnight and all the adults were totally plastered. Mum and Dad had fallen out three times already but had made up again; they were now supposedly doing a Highland fling, though it looked more like they were trying to swat flies while jogging on ice.

  The only consolation was that the rest of the grownups were equally bad and all the curtains were shut so no one could see them.

  Chris and I moved into the hall and sat down on the stairs. Although we could still hear drunken singing and guffawing coming from the living room, we could now talk in relative peace.

  We chatted for a while about how embarrassing drunk adults were, then talked about last year and what might happen in the coming one.

  ‘Conner says she’s going to have to finish the Romeo and Juliet we started last year but from a different viewpoint,’ I said. ‘Wonder what she means.’

  Chris said, ‘She’ll probably give us assignments like Romeo was a useless tosser and Juliet should have dumped him. Discuss.’

  I laughed. ‘Maybe. Seriously though, do you think people our age can find real True Love like they did?’

  Chris thought for a moment then said, ‘Yeah, I do. In fact I’m sure it happens.’

  ‘But how would you know it was real love and not just a crush?’

  ‘I’d just know. Definitely.’

  I smiled happily. ‘Me too.’

  ‘Kelly Ann,’ Chris said, ‘there’s something I need to tell you. Something I’ve been thinking about for a long time now. I—’

  But whatever he was going to say would have to wait because Mum was calling us into the living room. It was nearly time for The Bells. I grabbed an Irn Bru and Dad gave Chris a beer. I volunteered to get Angela a glass of wine from the kitchen as she was busy picking blue fluff off her skirt.