My Dating Disasters Diary

by Liz Rettig

  Handed her the glass, holding the stem carefully so as to avoid leaving greasy fingermarks like she’d told me before. She took it from me without seeming to notice my thoughtfulness as she was still engrossed in her neverending task.

  We counted: ‘Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Happy New Year!’

  Chris and I moved over to a corner of the room to avoid the orgy of slobbery kisses and drunken hugs adults seem to think essential at this time. We sat on the floor and I looked over at Angela, who was struggling to unstick her fingers from the wine glass I’d smeared with superglue earlier.

  Well, OK, maybe I wouldn’t be totally grown up this year. Not all the time anyway.

  Chris glanced at Angela too, then smiled at me. ‘Happy New Year, Kelly Ann.’

  We clinked glasses and I smiled back. ‘Happy New Year, Chris.’

  And, oh God, I hoped it would be. Maybe this would be the happiest, most important new year of my life. The year when, like Juliet, I would find True Love (but not top myself of course); the year when I would finally be totally sorted and grown up. This could be the most amazing year of my entire life.

  Hmmm … or then again, maybe this was the year I would make a total idiot of myself and remain the only virgin lips in the senior school except for Patricia McPherson.

  I looked at Chris’s smiling face anxiously. Liz and Stephanie had warned me against confiding my secret to Chris tonight. But if he couldn’t understand me, who would? It was time he knew too.

  ‘Chris,’ I said, ‘I’ve got something I want to tell you …’

  SATURDAY JANUARY 1ST

  If I were blonde, the flat chest and spots wouldn’t matter so much. Honestly, you could have two heads and if one of them is blonde some bloke is going to fancy you, but with mouse-brown hair you have to try a lot harder.

  It’s so depressing. Even my parents have noticed there’s something the matter with me. My dad keeps telling me to cheer up, it might never happen. Ha ha. My mum sometimes looks up from the TV long enough to ask what’s up with my face.

  Have tried to explain how I feel to them. How if they won’t let me bleach my hair then the least they could do is pay for breast implants but the response was typical. My dad said not to be so daft, I was fine as I was. My mum just laughed and told me I would know all about it when I was approaching forty and my nipples fell to my knees. That’s what happened to her because she’d been a good mother and breast-fed my sister and me and what thanks does she get for it? And she said if she ever met that eejit of a nurse who’d advised her on baby care again she’d tell her where to stick her ‘Breast Is Best’ pamphlet.

  But she bought me a Wonderbra and a bottle of Clearasil spot buster for Christmas anyway.

  The bra didn’t work. As my mum said, no amount of rigging is going to make a cleavage out of two fried eggs. My dad said: ‘Why do you always have to call a spade a bloody shovel, Moira? You’ll give the girl a complex and she’s fine as she is.’

  The spots are worse than ever too. My mum says if I were more like my big sister Angela and didn’t eat so much chocolate my skin would clear up, but my Aunt Kate says it’s my hormones and my dad says they should all leave me alone and that I’m fine as I am.

  It’s obvious my family are no help at all. They don’t understand what it’s like being practically the only girl in the fourth year who hasn’t had a boyfriend yet. Only Patricia McPherson is in the same boat as me and she’s so ugly even my dad couldn’t say she’s fine as she is. If she gets a boyfriend before me I’ll die of humiliation.

  Besides, I’m in love with G. There, I’ve said it. If you read this, Mum (I know what you’re like), it isn’t even his real initial so you’ll never guess. G is the most gorgeous guy in the whole school and absolutely everyone fancies him like mad. Well, all the females anyway. Well, all the females except Liz and Stephanie who say he’s a tosser and so up himself it’s not true, but they just say that to annoy me. Liz and Stephanie are my best friends but they can be a total pain sometimes.

  Anyway, I need to become beautiful so that G will fall madly in love with me back and tell everyone I’m his girlfriend and maybe even ask me out. On a date.

  Since I’m not blonde or busty I’ll just have to concentrate on making every part of my body as perfect as possible, so here are my New Year beauty resolutions:

  To cleanse, tone and moisturize my skin every morning and evening without fail. Even when I’m late for school and I can’t find my gym stuff and I have to get a copy of my maths homework from Liz before first period. Absolutely no excuses.

  Never ever to squeeze another spot, no matter how much I may want to, even if it is right on the end of my nose or chin.

  To leave my hair conditioner in for at least three minutes every time I wash my hair and always to buy hair products from a proper chemist and never ever make my own from ‘cheap, natural ingredients you can find in your own kitchen’. If I’m tempted I only have to remember the vinegar rinse that made me smell like a fish and chip shop. Or worse, the shampoo made from Dad’s beer that had me grounded for a week and threatened with Alateen.

  To always have perfectly manicured nails and never again go to school with chipped varnish. Even when I’m running late, have forgotten my packed lunch, and need to copy my French homework from Stephanie before first period.

  To eat healthy foods like broccoli and bananas and never again to snack on chocolate and crisps when I am bored. Instead I’ll write my beauty progress in my diary every single day without fail.

  SATURDAY JANUARY 8TH …

  Kelly Ann’s adventures in dating continue in:

  My Desperate Love Diary

  My

  desperate

  Love

  Diary

  By Liz Rettig

  Kelly Ann is fifteen and desperately in love with G – the biggest idiot in school.

  Her best friends Liz and Stephanie can see how awful G is – and also that Kelly Ann’s quietly gorgeous friend Chris is madly in love with her. But Kelly Ann stumbles along blindly, unable to see what’s right in front of her eyes.

  Navigating her way through teenage embarrassments, sick-filled parties and terrible poetry, Kelly Ann is a hilariously endearing character to root for!

  ‘Heartfelt but at the same time fantastically funny, this is a holiday must-read.’

  Mizz

  My

  now or

  NEVER

  Diary

  By Liz Rettig

  Kelly Ann has only just come to her senses and realised that G, the boy she’s fancied all year, is a total nerd and Chris, the boy next door who’s been in love with her all year, is actually the man for her. But does that mean she’ll live happily ever after with Chris, discovering the joys of sex and smugly advising her friends in the ways of true love? Of course not.

  With the help of her faithful friends Liz and Steph, Kelly Ann manages to muck it all up in her own hilarious style.

  A riot of teenage fumblings, terrible teachers and skincare made from porridge.

  JUMPING TO

  CONFUSIONS

  By Liz Rettig

  I’m Cat – and I’m the fat, plain one in my family. When I say fat, I don’t mean ‘have-to-be-prisedout-of-a-hoola-hoop’ fat, but when your mum and sister are practically size zero, it’s hard not to feel like the elephant girl in comparison.

  My twin sister Tessa is blonde, gorgeous and gets any boy she wants. Right now she’s got her eye on Josh, a really fit American guy who’s just moved to Glasgow.

  But he doesn’t seem that interested in her.

  It’s weird. I’ve never known any boy who didn’t fancy Tessa.Well, not straight ones, anyway …

  Of course! It all makes sense … funny that he doesn’t want to tell anyone about his secret, not even me, his new best friend …

  Could Cat be jumping to conclusions about Josh, in this wonderfully funny tale of romantic confusion?

  SPLIT BY A KISS


  By Luisa Playa

  I’m two different people. Literally. I’m split.

  Jo has never been one of the popular kids … until she moves to the USA. Suddenly the coolest girls at her new high school adopt her, and the hottest boy, Jake Matthews, notices her. But when Jake picks her as his partner in the kissing game Seven Minutes in Heaven, it’s not half as heavenly as she imagined!

  Jo has a choice: should she carry on with Jake for guaranteed popularity – or should she tell him where to get off and risk losing her new friends … ?

  At this moment, Jo splits. She’s Josie the Cool – girlfriend of Jake, member of the in-crowd. But she’s also Jo the Nerd – rejected by the It girls, single … ordinary. Will her two halves ever come together again?

  ‘A cute, sweet and funny read. Fans of Louise Rennison will love it.’

  Meg Cabot