Faltering

by Jennifer Lyndon

  “Come. I need you next to me,” I said, making the suggestion for Lara as much as for myself. She struggled with the bedrail, releasing it down and then sat precariously on the edge of the bed. “There’s room, Lara. Lay down with us.” She complied, her tight body pressed against my side, her arm wrapped across me, her head tilted against my shoulder. “That’s better,” I whispered as I kissed her forehead. “You can hold her when she’s finished her breakfast.”

  Lara nodded against my shoulder and the room grew quiet, except for the little snuffling noises Josie was making. I wasn’t sure she was eating any longer, but she was still latched on to me. I watched her with rapt attention, carefully examining her little fingers and toes, noting the perfect pale pinkness of her smooth skin, the soft wispy jet-black hair. I started to say something to Lara about how beautiful Josie’s eyes were, but stopped when I glanced down at Lara’s arm, reaching loosely across my belly. All of the tension had left Lara’s body as she slipped, against her will, into sleep.

  ****

  The next few months passed easily, and too quickly. Lara was on the phone with her mother constantly, asking for advice, and putting the phone to Josie’s ear so Mrs. Elgin could speak to her granddaughter. Lara wanted to do everything to care for Josie. She got up during the night when Josie cried, insisted on changing every diaper, as if it were some honor. She shopped for baby clothes and took Josie to have her picture taken about twice a week. Lara was clearly smitten. About the only thing Lara would allow me to do was feed Josie. It was the only part of being Josie’s mother that Lara’s body prohibited.

  When Josie was about six months old Lara began casually mentioning going home to Natchitoches with Josie for a visit. I was not eager for this first separation, and changed the subject quickly whenever she brought it up. One afternoon when we were walking on the beach, she refused to let it drop. Lara was carrying Josie in a little sling in front of her, and holding my hand as we walked. I paused to stare out at the surf as she stood close to me. Her voice was gentle when she spoke.

  “I won’t be able to keep mother away much longer. I need to take Josephine back home, and introduce her to her family,” Lara insisted. I nodded my head. “Come home with me, baby. Wait a day or two and follow. If we play it right we can pretend it’s just a coincidence that we’re in town at the same time. You can visit Hattie. Your mother must miss you.” I shook my head.

  “I can’t do that, Lara. It would be a mistake. If you really want to pass her off as Joe’s, I can’t be there. She looks too much like me,” I said. Lara nodded.

  “I know. You’re right, baby. She does, but I don’t want to be away from you,” she whispered, “even for a few days.”

  “It’s the only way,” I replied. She sighed and started fidgeting with Josie, straightening her tiny bootie.

  “Mother told me to come home, that Joe’s parents are getting antsy. Apparently the pictures of her, and her birth certificate, weren’t enough to convince Mr. and Mrs. Lacoste of her existence. They insist on actually holding their granddaughter. They’re demanding I return with her to sign the papers when Joe’s estate is settled. Mother offered to come here to fly back with me, to help me take care of her on the plane. I nearly agreed to it, but I’d rather you come with me,” she said. “Please, come back with me. I don’t want to face them without you. You’ll give me the courage to pull this off.” I shook my head. “Tell me what to do, Sylvie. If you don’t want me to go, I won’t. They might challenge the estate if I don’t go, but I don’t care, really. Money will get tight, but I can live with that. What should I do?” I watched her, noting the anxiety in her voice when she thought about not having any money. I couldn’t decide what to say. “I need you, Sylvie. I love you. Just tell me what you want me to do.”

  “I can’t tell you what to do. Don’t ask me again, Lara,” I said firmly, walking on, not waiting for her response. She stepped quickly to catch up with me, apparently accepting my refusal, but not wanting me to leave her behind on the beach. She caught my hand as she fell in stride beside me. We didn’t discuss it again.

  -Ch 8-

  September 1977

  The bus dropped me about a block from the house. Talise wrapped a reassuring arm around my shoulders as we walked through the seedy neighborhood toward my mother’s house, my childhood home. The world swam around me as my breakfast threatened to reemerge. The heat was too much for me. After nearly two years in balmy California, I was no longer accustomed to the unforgiving heat of the Deep South. I leaned into Talise’s sturdy shoulder, grateful for the ceaseless support she offered.

  “So this is where you grew up?” she said softly, her ink black eyes scanning the dilapidated shotgun shack as we approached.

  “Yes,” I replied under my breath.

  “The trees are big,” she commented. “There weren’t many trees on the reservation,” she offered, I think in an attempt to say something positive about my childhood home. She was obviously not a fan of the heat, though she’d not commented.

  “I’ve tried to get my mother to move, offered to have her come live with me in San Francisco, but she insists she’s too old, that this is her home.” Talise didn’t comment, but continued to take in the squalor around her.

  When we stepped onto the porch the wood creaked under my weight. The place needed attention. As I glared down at the shoddy, chipped paint beneath my feet, remorse washed through me at having abandoned my mother to this place. She had worked for years, even sacrificed her health, to pay for my education, and in return, I’d left her behind. I didn’t have much time to ponder the thought as the screen door swung open and my mother edged through the doorway with the help of a wobbling cane. I was happy she was still able to get to her feet. She was wearing her church dress, lavender with pale yellow flowers, and her best wig, short curls in a slightly bluish grey tone. She had carefully applied lipstick and smelled as she always had, of lemons and baby powder. Tears filled my eyes as I remembered the warm strength of her arms.

  “Talise, this is my mother, Hattie,” I said, making the introduction through the lump forming in my throat. Mamma grinned and stretched a work-roughened hand out to Talise. I discreetly wiped my eyes as Mamma and Talise appraised one another.

  “I’m glad to know you. My baby’s told me so much about you,” Mamma spoke deliberately, with a dense southern drawl. I’d never really noted the slow thickness of her words, but having Talise with me forced me hear it. Talise was grinning. I could tell she liked Mamma.

  “And I’ve heard a lot about you, too, Miss Hattie. I expected you to be ten feet tall though, the way Sylvie describes you,” Talise replied through her grin. Mamma squeezed her hand, her eyes lighting up. I wanted to kiss Talise for the comment, but I stepped toward the door instead, not wanting to remain on the porch drawing the attention of neighbors. Lara didn’t know I was in town, and I didn’t want her to find out until I was ready to confront her.

  “Ya’ll come on inside. Get off this porch before the neighborhood boys start swarming around you girls,” Mamma offered, teasing. Mamma backed up slowly and held the screen door open for us. I followed them inside, stepping into my childhood home for the first time in almost four years. The fragrance of a home cooked meal enveloped me as I stood there, almost stunned.

  Mamma had prepared a big meal. Guilt nearly overwhelmed me as I pictured her in that sweltering kitchen leaning over the stove all morning, waiting for me. She had prepared a ham covered with pineapple, cherries, cloves and honey, as well as a green been casserole, and rice with gravy. It was the meal she always prepared for Christmas when I was a child. She had the good dishes out on the table, the ones with bright yellow flowers on them, and her best tablecloth, the white lace one Mrs. Elgin gave her.

  “Something smells good, Miss Hattie,” Talise commented sweetly.

  “I hope you’re hungry,” Mamma said through a broad smile. That’s when I noticed a side tooth missing. My mother had always been proud of her straight white teeth
. Losing a tooth was a blow, I knew, but she hadn’t said a word. “Can I get you some iced tea?”

  “Please,” Talise replied. As my mother moved off toward the kitchen, Talise glanced over at me. She was gauging my mood.

  “I think she likes you,” I said quietly, just to say something.

  “Your mom’s great.”

  “I wish she hadn’t gone to all of this trouble. Why did she have to cook?” I said, dismayed.

  “It makes her happy, having someone to cook for,” Talise commented automatically. She walked over to the table. “I bet she doesn’t use these very often,” she observed, holding up a crystal glass. The glasses were among the very few possessions my mother had from her own family. They always reminded me of how far my mother sank in this world because of me. I took the glass from Talise’s hand and held it up to the light. I was still examining it when my mother approached in her careful gate, cautiously carrying the iced tea pitcher.

  “These are beautiful, Mamma,” I offered. “I’ve never really looked at them before.

  “They belonged to Grande mere, your great grandmother,” Mamma explained with a note of pride in her tone. She gently took the glass from my hand, placed it on the table, and filled it.

  ***

  As much as I might have wanted to, I was unable to postpone my confrontation with Lara. In fact, I ran into her at the last place I expected to see her. I’d taken Talise to Melrose Plantation in an attempt to entertain my dear friend. There are only a handful of sights to share with visitors and the old plantation house was one of my favorites. Apparently Lara had become a member of the Natchitoches Area Visitors and Tourist Bureau. She was attending a meeting of the bureau held in the main house of the plantation when we arrived.

  I heard her voice before I saw her, then froze as my eyes came to rest on her. Talise turned to look at me, to find what was wrong, then followed my gaze to Lara. She was asking a question about funding for marketing. She didn’t see me standing there, staring at her. Her hair was tied back in a knot at the nape of her neck. She wore a moss green suit that made her eyes appear almost green, and the necklace I’d given her was around her neck. She was beautiful. I couldn’t move my gaze from her. Talise tugged at my arm to get me to move on, not wanting Lara to observe me in such an obviously vulnerable state.

  The movement must have caught Lara’s eye though, because as the gentleman she was questioning began a longwinded answer, Lara shifted in her chair and saw me. Her eyes quickly darted from me to Talise. Her gaze hardened as she focused back on me. She didn’t miss a beat, turning her attention back to the man speaking. I took one step toward her, and then spun back around to face Talise.

  “I don’t know what to do,” I whispered. “Should we leave?” Talise shook her head.

  “Why don’t we just continue our tour? It’s a beautiful old house. I’d like to see it. If she wants to speak to you, she’ll find us,” was Talise’s extremely reasonable reply. I nodded and allowed Talise to lead me toward the stairs. We were coming out of the Africa-House when Lara caught up to us. She stood by the doorway and glared at Talise.

  “Why did you bring her here?” Lara asked. “I have something to say to you, but not in front of her,” she said sharply. Talise shrugged and turned around, heading back inside.

  “I’ll be in here, Syl,” she said softly. I nodded.

  Lara walked away from me, expecting me to follow. Of course, like a fool, I did. She stopped under a giant oak tree a few hundred yards away. Her back was to me as I approached.

  “Why have you come?” she asked quietly.

  “Why do you think?”

  “I think Hattie told you I’m getting married,” she said softly. “You’re here to find out what kind of man I’ve chosen as the father of our daughter,” she replied. I stared at the back of her, wanting her to look at me. “Is that it?”

  “Yes, Lara. That’s part of it,” I said, reaching out to touch her shoulder. Her skin felt hot through her suit jacket. When I tried to turn her around, she resisted.

  “I can’t do this right now,” she whispered. “And please refrain from touching me. I drove out here with my friend Kay. She’s probably watching me right now. I told her I would just be a minute. I only have a minute.”

  “Lara, look at me,” I demanded. She shook her head. “Lara, please,” I said, my voice cracking slightly. Gradually, she turned around to face me. “We need to finish this.”

  “Finish what?” she snapped.

  “You’ve never given me an explanation. I need to know what happened. Why didn’t you come back like you promised? We were a family. I loved you. I know you felt the same way. What happened?” Lara’s eyes shifted to the doorway to the Africa-House.

  “How dare you bring that woman here to ambush me,” she spit the words, as if they tasted foul. “She’s what happened,” Lara snapped, raising her hand to point at Talise. I noticed her arm was shaking.

  “What does Talise have to do with anything?” I asked, confused.

  “How long did it take you to move her into our bed? Was I gone a week?” she asked sharply, taking a step toward me.

  “What?” My confusion was growing. “I don’t understand.”

  “I won’t discuss this,” she said, rather than explaining. Her eyes were beginning to water, her smooth, light skin growing splotchy and red. “I’d like for you to see your daughter while you’re here. Hattie keeps her a few days a week, so you should have plenty of opportunity.” I shook my head. “What? You don’t want to see her?”

  “No, I do, of course. I just, I don’t understand why you’re so angry with me. I’m the one who was left waiting, without an explanation,” I said. “I’m the one who should be angry.” She laughed nervously.

  “I didn’t think we needed the hysterics,” she said coldly. “I spared you that. I spared us both, actually.”

  “You spared me?” I asked. She glared at me. “Lara, you vanished.”

  “Don’t be so dramatic. I simply moved to Baton Rouge. Everyone knew where I was living.”

  “Lara,” I said her name softly.

  “What? What do you want from me now? I’ve kept our bargain, everything you asked of me. Josephine has a name, and a family who loves her. I’ve even found a suitable father for her.”

  “What happened to us?” I asked quietly.

  “I’m not blind, Sylvie. I saw you together. That’s what happened.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I came back to you, just as I promised I would, earlier than we agreed, in fact. I wanted to surprise you, with flowers and wine. I was the one who was surprised,” she said in an arch tone.

  “You’re not making sense.”

  “I planned to be home before dinner. I was so eager I could hardly breathe, but my flight was delayed. I arrived quite late. I was so exhausted, and all I wanted was to crawl in bed beside you and sleep for a week. When I reached our bedroom I saw her there, naked, and sprawled across my side of our bed. You were sleeping so contentedly next to her. At first I didn’t know what to do, how to calm down. Still holding our daughter, I made my way back into the living room of the home I was paying for, and sat on the sofa to think. By dawn, I’d decided. I turned around and left you there without a word.”

  “You said, next to her? You mean Talise?” She nodded. “You think there’s something between Talise and me?”

  “Don’t tell me you’re going to deny it. Please, Sylvie, don’t be so predictable,” she said in a dispassionate voice. It was as if someone had punched me in the stomach. All the air left my lungs. I stared at Lara, shocked. “Don’t try to tell me I was wrong, or that I didn’t see what we both know I saw. Even at my craziest, when I was in that damned hospital, I still wasn’t hallucinating naked women into existence,” she explained, smiling slightly, pinning me with her eyes, the effect unsettling.

  “No wonder you were so cold toward her,” I said softly. She cut her eyes away from me to look back toward the Africa-house wh
ere Talise was waiting by the door.

  “I really need to go. Kay’s waiting, and I’m being rude,” Lara explained, offering me more kindness than I thought she ought to in that moment, if I had done what she believed of me. I didn’t know what to say, so I just stared at her. “You’re welcome to visit Josephine tomorrow evening, if you like. You probably already know that Hattie will be sitting with her while I’m out.” I swallowed hard and shook my head. “And Sylvie, please, if you know what’s good for you, stay away from me. I’ll make it easy for you to see Josephine as much as you like. Just, keep your distance with me, for both our sakes.”

  “Do you love him?” I asked quietly.

  “That’s not your concern, Sylvie,” she said.

  “Please, answer me,” I whispered. “I need to know.” Without meeting my gaze, she turned away from me and started walking toward the main house.

  “Tomorrow after seven,” she called back to me. “Anytime after seven.”

  ***

  Talise didn’t push me about what Lara and I discussed, so I had a few hours to mull it over before I finally told her about it. Mamma had left early to go take care of Josie, because she planned to stop at the grocery store on the way. Talise and I were eating leftovers. Finally, I felt like I could tell her what Lara had said. I pushed the cold ham around on my plate and then looked up at Talise.

  “Lara thinks you and I are together,” I said quietly. Talise looked up at me. “I mean, she thinks we’re sleeping together, that we have been since she left California.” Talise’s brow tightened as she chewed.

  “You’re not really my type, you know,” she said after swallowing.

  “Really?” I rolled my eyes. “Thank you. That’s exactly what I needed to hear after such a revelation.”

  “No, I’m serious. If I were going to sleep with a woman, and let’s face it, I probably will eventually since I can be kind of a slut when I drink, anyway, she would probably be someone more like Lara than you,” she said evenly. “I mean, Lara has a sort of feistiness about her that’s really appealing. Not that you’re unattractive. But it would feel kind of gross trying to have sex with you. No offense, but it would feel kind of like kissing my sister, except I hate my sister, and I’m pretty attached to you,” she explained with a little too much laughter before lifting the glass of iced tea to her mouth. “I’d sleep with Lara, I think, if I were drunk enough. Good thing for you I’m not into women.” She grinned. “We both know I’m pretty irresistible,” she joked, wriggling her eyebrows at me for just a moment. I wanted to punch her. Luckily, the urge passed quickly, replaced with a sense of desolation.