In Too Deep

by Dani Collins

  She had even avoided some from Vivien when she’d spent an hour with her. Wren had armed herself with a list of her previous responsibilities when working at the Rise-and-Shine Motel. She and Vivien had gone over the list, added a few tasks, marked off the ones that fell into Marvin’s purview, and scheduled the week to ensure Wren received appropriate training.

  “I do like to be organized,” Vivien said with approval when she rose to leave. “How are you settling in?”

  “We slept well. Good beds,” Wren said, side-stepping the fact she hadn’t heard Sky moving around in their apartment for a while and was starting to worry.

  Marvin came in with some other staff then, but she had heard Sky running water a little later, so she had relaxed.

  She made some final notes about the shift schedule, working until five-oh-five. She had never been one of those cheats who cut out ten minutes before quitting time. It wasn’t so much a mark of pride as that she never wanted to give anyone a reason to complain. It was a subversive way to prove she was better than everyone around her. She could already tell that the managers Marvin had hired in the past, even the current weekend and night desk clerks, only gave a solid seventy percent.

  Prepare to look for your socks, Marvin, because I am going to knock them off.

  Someone tapped on the open door. She glanced up to see Trigg and felt his impact like a shock wave. Please don’t blush, please don’t blush.

  “Got a minute?”

  “Of course.” She faked a calm smile while her entire body went on high alert. It had been a full year since she’d last had sex. She was in her prime hunt-for-a-mate years. Biology was ambushing her with signals that asked incessantly, How about him?

  That’s what she told herself, anyway. Even though none of the other guys around here—many of whom were her age and had glanced with varying levels of friendly interest—made her limbs feel weak or her hand want to touch her throat.

  Trigg shouldn’t be the man to provoke this reaction, especially since she sensed aggression in him as he closed the door, trapping her in here. He sat down in the chair across the desk from her so they were eye level.

  “How was your day?”

  It sounded like a trick question. She forcibly kept her posture relaxed and an inquiring look on her face. “Good. Yours?”

  “Did Sky tell you I picked her up off the trail on the far side of the base?”

  “I haven’t talked to her since lunch. I was just about to finish up and head in.” She made sure she was giving him all her attention so he couldn’t tell that all the cells in the back of her brain were throwing themselves through the door, slapping all the big red panic buttons. What the hell, Sky? “She told me at lunch she was going outside for some air. I guess she decided to walk. Physical education break.” She smiled.

  “She shouldn’t be over there without an escort. It’s dangerous. She needs to call ahead.”

  “I’ll let her know.”

  “She shouldn’t walk anywhere alone. It’s easy to get lost and there’s wildlife.”

  Shock waves of fear and anger coursed through her with a cringe of inadequacy. She only nodded. “Of course.”

  “Was she trying to run away?”

  Wren pretended she was taken aback when that was exactly what she imagined Sky had been doing. “Why would she do that? We just got here.”

  “You tell me.”

  “There’s nothing to tell. She wants to get to know you. We’re here to do that.”

  He scowled, studying her with suspicion the way her father used to. I know you’re lying.

  Deep down, she was squirming. Of course that little nightmare was trying to cut and run. Wren wasn’t entirely surprised, but she had thought that might be something they built up to, if things with Trigg didn’t work out over time. She had hoped the carrot of the diary would persuade Sky to fall in line with the plan they had agreed to, but Sky wasn’t bothering with warning shots or deal-making.

  Wren didn’t let on that she was freaking out over how to contain Sky’s mutiny. If she was trying to run away on Day One, what would Day Two look like?

  She kept a smooth mask on her face, though, refusing to reveal her guilty conscience. Blink, blink, blink. I’m a good girl. She was. She always did exactly as she was told.

  “I keep wondering why Mandy never told me about her,” Trigg said. “And why did you wait until Sky was twelve?”

  Wren looked down and adjusted the desk blotter so it was perfectly straight along the edge of the desk.

  “That’s a complicated question.” One she had expected would come up and one for which she had rehearsed a fairly truthful response. She licked her lips. “My mother was quite religious and my father is very strict.” She had learned a long time ago that those were suitable euphemisms for ‘delusional fanatic’ and ‘bipolar rage-aholic.’ “When Mandy realized she was pregnant, she thought abortion was her only choice because she was scared of my parents’ reaction if they found out.”

  With. Good. Reason.

  Mandy had only been living at home for Wren’s sake. That and because she had been held back a year after Neil died so she hadn’t graduated yet.

  Wren folded her left forearm over her right, calm, calm, calm. None of her feelings showed. Zero.

  “Mom figured it out, though.” Caught her throwing up. “They insisted Mandy have Sky, but give her up for adoption. Mandy wound up leaving and having Sky.”

  Wren skipped the part with the police and everything.

  “It caused some bad blood with our father. I lost touch with her for a couple of years. Sky was two when I finally caught up with them. Our father was still holding a grudge and wasn’t receptive to having them back in our lives, but one of my first questions to Mandy was whether she had told Sky’s dad. She said she hadn’t, because you lived in Germany and she was worried you would take the baby there. Sometimes she wished she had support payments, but she said you sounded relieved when she told you she wasn’t keeping the baby. She didn’t know how you would react if she told you she had had Sky after all.”

  His jaw hardened and he looked to the window. “I was seventeen. In the moment, abortion sounded like the simplest solution. As time went on, I was more conflicted, but I figured what was done was done.”

  Wren realized she was pinching her own arm. She’d been tense as she brought that up. She had always wondered how he’d really felt. Mandy had used Trigg’s reaction as justification for hiding Sky from him. Wren had told herself she was protecting Sky from a man who hadn’t wanted her, but now she felt guilty. She could have told him sooner, but she had had all the same fears Mandy had.

  “Why wasn’t I informed when Mandy died? I would think… How long have you known that I’m Sky’s father?”

  Wren made her hand lie flat again. Kept her expression clear of all emotion, especially remorse.

  “I always suspected it was you. She wasn’t dating anyone at home.” She hadn’t been allowed. “You were the only boy I knew that she had talked to around that time. When she was alive, I thought it was her decision whether to tell you. After she died…” Wren swallowed, never able to talk about Mandy’s death without her throat growing thick. “Social services asked my mother to take her. I could have spoken up and said I thought it was you, but I was around the same age Sky is now. I had just lost my sister. I didn’t want to lose Sky, too.”

  “You thought I would take her?”

  “I didn’t know. I didn’t want to risk it.” That was the absolute truth. “My mother had just lost her second child.” For once, briefly, she had stood up to her husband and insisted they take in their grandchild. Wren had promised to do all the work and had. “We both needed Sky.”

  Something passed over his face. Acceptance, maybe. He had lost his father the summer before Sky was conceived.

  “You never told your parents it might be me?”

  She shook her head.

  “What about Sky? When did you tell her?”

  “
When I got home from here last month.”

  His chin went down and his brows went up.

  She shrugged. “You’re not difficult to find online. If I had given her your name without warning you first, you would have learned about her from her.”

  “It’s been a huge shock regardless. Hasn’t Sky asked about me before this?”

  “Of course.”

  “And you didn’t tell either of us. I get that it was hard for you right after Mandy died, but that was ten years ago.”

  He was all bristled up, but so was she. She didn’t pretend for a second to be a perfect parent, but she was one wholly invested in Sky’s best interest.

  “Do you want the truth?” Her heart was thumping a mile a minute, like she was creeping onto a ledge that could give way, but she had been carrying a lot of guilt and worry for a long time. This had never, ever been an easy decision. If he wanted to accuse her, the least he could do was see it from her side.

  “Hit me,” he said flatly.

  “Go online and pretend you’re me. Look up the man your niece wants to meet and call, ‘Dad.’”

  Along with his brilliant athletic career, there were plenty of headlines and video clips where he was portrayed as a playboy who partied as hard as he trained. His social media feeds were littered with invitations to sex. He’d been exonerated from a drug scandal and one involving a married woman, but both stories came up at the top of any searches of his name.

  “I’ve always been conscious that she will become your next headline. You tell me the appropriate age to subject her to that.”

  He grew more and more stone-faced. Like he was hardening into a diamond.

  She looked down again, but refused to apologize. It wasn’t her experience that being sorry defused animosity. If he wanted to hate her, he would.

  He swore and stood, making her stiffen.

  “So what are you saying? She’s having second thoughts now that she’s read about me?”

  Wren sighed. “She’s understandably ambivalent. I put this off as long as I could because it’s not something that can be undone. I tried to make that clear to her before I went down this road.” Or came up that one, out there. “I knew a name would never be enough. She wasn’t merely curious. If I was going to tell her who her father was, it had to be like this, in a way that gives her a chance to form a connection with you.”

  She sat back, chewed her upper lip a moment. Whether Sky or anyone believed it, she wanted this to work. She had had to face that she wasn’t enough for Sky. It broke her heart, but there it was.

  “Sky doesn’t remember her mother. My parents weren’t the most affectionate people.” Understatement of the year. “She has me and a lot of questions about whether anyone else in this world cares about her.” Even at that, Sky seemed pretty convinced Wren was exercising a vendetta against her, but that was growing pains. Wren hoped. “If we had stayed in Utah, what would have happened? A few emails between you? She needs to feel wanted. Maybe I should have asked you sooner if you wanted to meet her, but at least I never had to tell her you didn’t. Now it’s up to you to make clear to her how you feel about her.”

  He recoiled, pupils going so big she saw it from this side of the desk. It would have been funny to see a grown man so terrified if it wasn’t so important to her that he do right by Sky. She rubbed her damp palms on her thighs.

  “She seems to like your dog,” she pointed out. “Perhaps, since she’s so keen to walk, you could do that together.” As passive-aggressive moves went, it was one of her finest. If he wanted to throw shade on her ability to keep track of Sky, he could damn well find out what a tall order it was.

  He wore the exact expression Sky had worn as they drove away from their old apartment. Right up until their brief meeting at the lawyer’s office, when Wren had also agreed to come live at Blue Spruce Lodge, Sky had been on board with all of this. Then the reality of moving sank in. No more skipping school to shoplift makeup and smoke with mall rats. But maybe that had been the less damaging thing she could expose Sky to.

  “Sure,” Trigg said through gritted teeth. “I usually take him for a run after dinner.”

  “Great.” Wren bit back suggesting he bring a mop and bucket to clean up her murdered and dismembered body. “I’ll let her know.”

  Chapter Five

  “You suck,” Sky announced when she walked back into their pathetic excuse for an apartment.

  Auntie Wren looked up from whatever boring thing was on her laptop. Sky knew it was boring because it always was. Spreadsheets or an online course or how to make frittatas.

  Make a dating profile. Buy a life. Gawd.

  “Good walk?” Auntie Wren asked.

  “That’s being facetious, right?” Sky gave her a squinty, unimpressed smile.

  “You’ve been studying your vocabulary words!”

  “Loathe. Revile. Abhor.”

  “We’re gonna get you through middle school yet.” Auntie Wren made little cheer punches with her fists.

  Sky wanted to throw her the bird, but she was in the middle of changing out of her jeans and into pajamas. She threw her jeans into the laundry bag.

  “Did you get those dirty? You just put them on before you left.”

  “Oh my God. How about, ‘Thank you, Sky, for putting your dirty laundry in the bag’? They have dog snot on them. Is that okay with you?” Murphy was cute, but gross. Trigg had said if he pooped near the lodge, she should pick it up so guests didn’t see it or step in it. Right. She’d get right on that.

  Auntie Wren got all pinchy-mouthed. “Did you talk to Trigg like that?”

  “No.” Sky flopped onto her bed and checked her messages. There was no signal on the other side of the pond, which had made the walk extra special. “I asked him if he remembered my mom and he said he remembered she was nice.”

  “She was.”

  “Unlike some people.” Sky rolled her eyes, but she didn’t feel bad about being rude to Auntie Wren. Not after she had said, Since you like walking so much, you’re going with Trigg when he walks Murphy after dinner, giving Sky no chance to refuse.

  Which meant Trigg must have told on her about trying to run away. She put him next to Auntie Wren at minus one hundred billion on the likability scale.

  Did he really remember her mom? Or was he just saying that? She had looked him up online and he had had a lot of girlfriends. She actually wanted to ask Auntie Wren if she thought he was being honest, but she was still mad at her.

  Even Tony was letting her down. She had texted him and he must have changed phones because she got, Who dis?

  Her life was total garbage.

  Half bored, half wanting someone to be honest with her, she reached into her night table and pulled out her mom’s diary, the baby one that was addressed to her.

  *

  Dear Baby,

  You need a name. The only one I can think of is Wren…

  *

  I would have killed myself by now, Sky thought.

  Auntie Wren had read this to her when they first moved out of Nana and Granddad’s. Her mom’s handwriting was kind of messy and Sky had only learned how to print back then. She hadn’t been able to read it herself. Things had gotten busy and she’d forgotten it existed, only remembering it now and again.

  She had found it in a drawer when they’d been moving, though, and had finally been able to read it herself. That’s when she realized Auntie Wren had skipped parts when she’d been reading it aloud all those times.

  I told you that Nana and Granddad thought your mom was too young to have a baby, Auntie Wren had said. They wanted her to give you up for adoption. I didn’t see the point in reading that to you when you were too little to understand.

  Lame excuses. Auntie Lame. That’s what Sky should call her.

  She glanced across at where Auntie Wren was propped up by the pillows she had pushed against her headboard. She was pretending she hadn’t noticed what Sky was holding, but Sky could tell by her blanky-blank face that
she knew.

  Lame.

  *

  Dear Baby,

  You need a name. The only one I can think of is Wren. You look just like her. I miss her so much and wish she could see you. I remember the first time I held her. She felt heavier than you do, but I was only nine so that makes sense. Everyone keeps telling me I’m too young to have a baby and I won’t be able to handle it. I keep thinking I looked after my baby sister and I wasn’t even a grown-up yet. I’m not that scared.

  Dear Sky,

  I hope you like your name. I was looking through baby name books and kept wanting to call you Wren. I told the nurse and she said what about a different bird? I never even knew that Wren was the name of a bird. When I looked it up in the baby name book, it said Wren means ruler. That made me laugh because if you knew her, you would know she’s quiet and shy and not bossy like me—

  *

  “Ha!” Sky said aloud. Auntie Wren didn’t even look over.

  *

  Isn’t that funny? The nurse said Robin and then Skylark. There was a movie I saw once with a girl named Skylar in it. I like that better than with a k, so that’s who you are. Skylar. Do you like it?

  Dear Sky,

  I brought you home today and now we’re sitting in my apartment and I should put all your stuff away, but you’re asleep and I’m tired. All I can hear is the clock ticking. I’m kind of scared.

  Dear Sky,

  Please stop crying. I talked to the health nurse and she said it’s okay if I let you cry a little bit. She said that if you’re fed and your diaper is clean and you don’t have a fever then you’re probably okay if I let you cry it out. I need a rest from rocking you and trying to make you feel better. I was crying, too. So I left you in your room and you aren’t stopping. I feel horrible. I also feel scared. Like if I let you cry too long someone will come in and yell at me. Wren didn’t have colic. How come you do? I’m going to get you now. I’m sorry I left you in there by yourself.

  Dear Sky,

  Oh my God you got your first tooth! And you stopped crying! We both had a huge nap. You’re still sleeping beside me and I’m afraid to move in case you wake up. You look like an angel. I love you.