Cast Me Gently

by Caren J. Werlinger

  She looked at the group gathered there as the prayers droned on over her mother’s coffin. The priest, a man from the funeral home who had to be there, the social worker who had never met her mother, and her. That was it. Four people standing around a hole in the ground. It was a gorgeous, sun-filled spring day, but she shivered as her mother’s coffin was lowered into the ground. She glanced around the cemetery, hoping against hope that, maybe, Daniel would be there and they could go home together. But he wasn’t. The priest’s words of forgiveness were meaningless. Her mother had never done anything to hurt anyone, had never done anything but try to take care of Ellie and Daniel after she was left alone to raise them without a husband. How could she need forgiveness?

  Ellie sat on the sofa in the pre-dawn twilight of her apartment and wiped her cheeks dry. KC lay curled up next to her in the dark. She’d sworn, after Mrs. Locke took her to see Father Patrick, that she would never set foot in a church again, but she was going to do just that in a couple of hours. She sniffed. There hadn’t been a power on this earth that could have induced her to violate that oath—until Teresa.

  It frightened Ellie a little that her love for Teresa could sway her that much. For years, she’d longed to love someone—and to be loved—to feel that kind of connection with another human being for the first time since losing her mother. No, that’s not true. For the first time since Katie lied. But she was just beginning to see the risks of opening herself to that kind of love and the things it could make her do.

  She knew Louise would say, “Darling, you deserve to be loved. You’ve got a good heart.”

  She hugged her knees to her chest. She was a survivor. She’d gotten along by herself for seven years—seven lonely years.

  No, seven safe years, countered a stubborn voice in her head.

  She was startled by the ringing of her telephone in the kitchen. She jumped up to answer it.

  “Did I wake you?” From Teresa’s whispered voice, Ellie knew she must be calling from inside the kitchen pantry again.

  “No, you didn’t wake me.”

  “Why were you up at this hour?”

  Ellie didn’t answer.

  “It’ll be okay,” Teresa murmured.

  Ellie swallowed. “How did you know?”

  “I know. At least a little,” Teresa said. “I know this will be hard, but it means a lot to me that you’ll be there. And I really appreciate that you’ll be there for Karen.”

  Ellie snorted. “I didn’t think there was anything in this world that could ever get me in a church again.”

  She could hear a muffled chuckle as Teresa said, “You’d better stop before this power goes to my head.”

  “You have more power over me than you know,” Ellie said softly.

  For several seconds, there was only the sound of their breathing.

  “I’ll pick you up at nine,” Teresa said at last.

  A few hours later, Ellie sat sandwiched between Teresa and Rob. Sylvia and Lou and all of the aunts sat in the pew in front of them with Francesca and Chris and the kids, while Bernie and her mother sat in the pew behind. Even Gianni and Angelina were there. He, of course, had given Ellie a smug leer, and she had rolled her eyes. She glanced up now at Rob and saw the tightness of his jaw. If she had thought she would be the most uncomfortable one here, she was wrong. Sylvia and the aunts had given him tearful hugs while Karen tried to hang back, but Rob pulled her forward, forcing them to at least greet her, even if there were no hugs exchanged.

  “Baby steps,” Karen had whispered to Ellie after, and Ellie had to stifle a laugh.

  It was weird, how automatic it was—the congregation’s responses to the words the priest said, when to stand or sit or kneel. Little things had changed in the Mass, but mostly it was the same as Ellie remembered. Maybe that’s one of things people find comforting about it, she realized. The sameness was something they could count on. She detected movement out of the corner of her eye and saw that Rob had reached over for Karen’s hand. She felt like taking his other one. Teresa must have seen it, too, because she nudged her thigh over until it was firmly squeezed against Ellie’s. Ellie glanced up to find Teresa watching her and it was all she could do not to press her face to Teresa’s shoulder.

  At the end of the Mass, most of the congregation left, which took a long time as everyone kept stopping to see the baby and congratulate Sylvia and Lou on another grandchild. At last, only a small group was left. The family all moved into the front two pews with a good bit of arguing over who should sit where while the parents and godparents were called up to the baptismal font.

  “Rob looks very handsome,” Ellie whispered to Karen.

  “So does Teresa,” Karen whispered back. Startled, Ellie looked up to find Karen smiling at her.

  Teresa did look handsome, dressed in a navy pantsuit.

  They watched as Teresa and Rob stepped forward, Teresa taking the baby and holding her while the priest intoned the baptismal blessing and poured water over her forehead. The water must have been cold, because little Annalisa let out a startled squawk. Everyone chuckled at such a big cry coming from such a little thing, and soon it was over.

  There was more arguing and confusion as the family gathered for photos and the baby was passed around. At last, Teresa whispered something to Rob and came to Ellie.

  “Come on,” she said.

  “Aren’t we going to your house?” Ellie asked as Teresa led the way to the VW.

  “We will, but we have a stop to make first,” Teresa said.

  Puzzled, Ellie got in. Teresa started the car and pulled out of the church parking lot. She drove a couple of blocks back toward Squirrel Hill before pulling over.

  “Which cemetery are your parents buried in?” she asked.

  “Why?” Ellie said, startled.

  Teresa reached for her hand. “I know you were there at Christmas time, but we celebrated a new member of my family today. I have a couple of wreaths for your parents’ graves. I thought we should celebrate your family, too.”

  Ellie looked at her and burst into tears. All the feelings she’d just relived from her mother’s burial washed over her—the desolation, the utter aloneness. If Teresa wondered, she didn’t ask. She reached over and wrapped her arms around Ellie, holding her tightly.

  “You’re not alone anymore,” she whispered as Ellie sobbed.

  CHAPTER 21

  “Happy birthday, baby girl.”

  Louise beamed at Ellie as she set a wrapped package down on the table and slid into the booth next to Bernie.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” Ellie said. “Can I open it now?”

  Louise laughed. “Yes, you can open it now.”

  Ellie eagerly pulled the wrapping paper off to reveal a leather case. “It’s beautiful,” she said, lifting it to smell the leather. “What is it?”

  “It’s a passport case,” Louise said. “For when you travel.”

  “You going somewhere?” Bernie asked.

  Ellie nodded. “Everywhere. Some day.” She reached across the table to hug Louise. “Thank you. It’s perfect. By the time I’m ready to go, I’ll have everything I need.”

  “So what are you girls doing to celebrate?” Louise asked.

  “I’m not sure,” Ellie said with a puzzled shrug. She eyed Bernie. “She won’t tell me.”

  Bernie laughed. “It’s a surprise. But first, we have to have burgers and shakes.”

  Louise jotted their orders. “You got it,” she said, getting to her feet. “Coming right up.”

  “So, where are you taking us?” Teresa asked suspiciously when Louise had left them.

  Bernie grinned wickedly. “You’ll see.”

  “Where are you taking us?” Teresa asked again an hour later. She looked nervously right and left as she drove slowly down a street with run-down buildings on either side. Shadowy f
igures were visible on the corners and in the alleys.

  Bernie checked the directions on the paper in her hand. “This is what she said. Keep going.”

  “What who said?” Ellie asked, leaning forward from the back seat.

  “A place I thought y’uns might want to check out,” Bernie said. “I been talking to one of the professors in the Women’s Studies department and she told me about it.”

  “About what?” Teresa asked dubiously. “A place to go if you want to be robbed?”

  “There.” Bernie pointed.

  “Where?”

  “There, that sign on the left. Pull in there.”

  “Wild Sisters?” Ellie read.

  “That’s it,” Bernie said, smiling.

  “That’s what?” Teresa’s hands gripped the steering wheel tightly.

  “Your kind of place,” Bernie said, already opening her car door. “Come on.”

  Cautiously, Teresa got out. She locked the car, looking around at the surrounding buildings with distaste.

  “I’ll be right back.” Ellie walked off into the darkness.

  “Jesus Christ, where is she going?” Bernie muttered.

  She and Teresa hurried after Ellie as she approached a group of people huddled around a fire burning in a trash barrel.

  “Are you sure?” Ellie was saying when they caught up to her. The people gathered around the fire shook their head and turned their backs.

  “What the fuck was that about?” Bernie hissed as they retraced their steps.

  “They were different people than I usually see,” Ellie said.

  “No shit!”

  “No,” Teresa said in a low voice. “She’s asking about her brother.”

  “Don’t you know how dangerous that was?” Bernie demanded.

  “Why? They wouldn’t hurt me,” Ellie said.

  “Come on, you,” Bernie urged. She took Teresa and Ellie by the arm and propelled them toward the entrance of Wild Sisters where a tall, burly woman stood guard. She was dressed in men’s khakis and a button-down shirt with a necktie.

  “Good evening, ladies,” she said pleasantly. “IDs, please.” She accepted their driver’s licenses and scrutinized their birth dates. “Happy birthday,” she said to Ellie. “Enjoy yourselves.” She handed the licenses back and stepped aside to allow them in.

  Bernie led the way to the cavernous interior of what looked like a converted warehouse with tables scattered about the floor, most of them already filled with groups of women. In fact, there wasn’t a single man to be seen anywhere, including the waitstaff, all smartly dressed in shirts and ties, carrying dinner trays and drinks to the patrons at the tables. Bernie threaded her way to an empty table on the edge of the room, leaving Teresa and Ellie no choice but to follow.

  “What kind of place is this?” Teresa asked over the loud hum of conversation.

  Bernie picked up the drink menu. “I told you, your kind of place. Gay women, or I guess I should say Lesbians. With a capital L. That’s what Judith said they like to be called.”

  “You mean everyone here is…?” Ellie looked around, her eyes wide.

  “I assume so,” Bernie said, looking around with open curiosity.

  “Bernie,” Teresa hissed, sinking low in her seat, trying to make herself invisible. “What are you doing? What if someone sees us?”

  Bernie looked at her with a bemused smile as she lit a cigarette. “Well, then, I guess you’ll have seen them, too, right? Jesus Christ, Bennie. It’s just a club for women. It’ll be like when we all used to dance together in school.”

  “Ladies, what can I get you to drink?” A server had just appeared at their table. When Teresa looked toward the exit, she said, “First time here?”

  “Yes,” Ellie said.

  The server sat down at the fourth chair at their table. “I’m Jamie.” She gestured around the room. “Everyone here knows the risks. No one would ever out anyone else. It’s an unspoken rule.” She smiled at Teresa. “You’re among friends here.”

  Ellie placed a hand on Teresa’s arm. “Please?”

  Teresa looked back helplessly. “Budweiser?”

  Jamie grinned and took Ellie and Bernie’s orders. “Be right back.” She returned in a couple of minutes with their drinks. “In about a half hour, the tables in the middle will all be moved to make room for dancing. Enjoy yourselves and just raise a hand if you need anything. I’ll be watching.” She laid a hand on Bernie’s shoulder as she left them.

  Ellie leaned toward Bernie and said, “I think you could have a new friend if you wanted one.”

  “Hmmph,” Bernie grunted. “Who knows? Might be better than what I’ve had.”

  Teresa sipped her beer, trying to be nonchalant as she looked around, wondering if there was anyone here she knew. It wasn’t long before people started getting up to move the tables in the middle of the floor as Jamie had said. Everyone shifted over to make room, and she watched women laughing and talking as they jostled. A haze of cigarette smoke hung over the room, swirling in the beams of light being cast by the large industrial fixtures hanging from the ceiling.

  At the first notes of music, it seemed nearly the entire crowd of women moved as one to the cleared space to dance. Teresa watched, fascinated at the sight of women dancing openly with one another to a Donna Summers song.

  “Want to dance?” Ellie asked.

  “Um, not yet,” Teresa said, taking a long pull from her bottle of beer.

  An older woman with very short gray hair approached their table. “Care to dance, sweetheart?” she asked Bernie.

  Teresa choked on her beer as Bernie shrugged and said, “Why not?” She laughed as she watched Bernie disappear into the crowd.

  “They look like they’re having fun,” Ellie said, and Teresa caught the wistfulness in her voice.

  With a resolute thunk, she set her beer down. “Okay.” She stood and held a hand out.

  They edged into the jostling crowd, dancing now to the Bee Gees.

  “I haven’t danced since Francesca’s wedding,” Teresa said, leaning to speak into Ellie’s ear.

  “I haven’t since high school,” Ellie said, laughing.

  “I knew letting Bernie in on our secret would be dangerous,” Teresa said.

  Ellie twirled. “I love Bernie!”

  The next song was a slow one, and Ellie moved into Teresa’s arms before she could protest. At the feel of Ellie’s body pressed close to hers, her arms wrapped around Teresa’s neck as they swayed, just like all the other couples around them, Teresa let herself relax. She rested her cheek against Ellie’s hair and closed her eyes. Just as the last notes of that song died away, the first drumbeats of Sister Sledge’s “We Are Family” thumped through the speakers, and the entire crowd was on its feet, arms swaying as everyone sang along.

  Teresa had to shout to ask, “Why are they reacting like this?”

  “Because that’s what we are,” said a woman next to them who had overheard. “Gays and Lesbians. That’s what we call each other—family.”

  They caught sight of Bernie, now dancing with another woman. Teresa chuckled. “She looks like she’s having a good time.”

  Ellie rose up on her toes and kissed Teresa on the cheek. “So am I.”

  Teresa stood at the stove, sprinkling a little more crushed oregano into the pot of sauce simmering there. From behind her, she heard Anita say, “Those should be a little smaller.”

  She turned around to see Anita showing Ellie what size to roll the meatballs. Ellie looked up and smiled. Karen and Rob came in carrying a bag of bread. Teresa turned back to the sauce, listening to the loud voices coming from throughout the house. She couldn’t remember ever feeling this happy. Robbie and Karen were there most Sundays now, and Ellie was with them as well, though she hadn’t returned to church again since the baptism.


  “Sorry, but it’s not going to happen,” she said. “I did it that one time, for you.”

  Teresa herself hadn’t been to Mass often lately, and when she did go, she didn’t go to Communion. Her mother insisted it was a sin to go if she hadn’t been to confession, and I have no intention of confessing anything. What was there to confess when she didn’t feel she was doing anything wrong? But she knew her priest wouldn’t agree. Neither would her mother. Sylvia was civil to Ellie, but Teresa could feel an undercurrent of disapproval when Ellie was around. Anita seemed to notice it as well, and stayed close to Ellie for which Teresa was grateful.

  At least she was grateful until she heard, “let me show you some baby pictures of Teresa.”

  Teresa whipped around to find that they were done rolling meatballs, and Anita was leading Ellie from the kitchen. Ellie glanced back with an apologetic grin. Teresa groaned.

  “What can I do to help?” Karen asked.

  “Well, you can melt some garlic butter for the bread,” Teresa said, getting a small saucepan out for her. “How are you and Rob?”

  Karen peeled the wrapper off a stick of butter and dropped it into the pan. “We’ve waited a long time for this,” she said. “I can’t thank you enough.”

  “I didn’t do anything,” Teresa said.

  “Yes, you did. You never cut him off. You made me feel welcome. Those things were huge by themselves,” said Karen as she chopped a clove of garlic and scraped it into the pan. “But getting Francesca to ask him to be godfather… that meant a lot to him. To us.”