Cast Me Gently

by Caren J. Werlinger

  Teresa looked at her. “I’m so glad you’re both here.”

  Karen glanced out to the dining room where Anita and Ellie sat laughing over the photo album. “And Ellie?”

  Teresa felt her face get hot. Karen laid a hand on her arm. “We’re happy for you. You know that, right?”

  Teresa met Karen’s gaze for a long moment but simply nodded. “I know.”

  “You are so full of shit!”

  “No, really.” Sullivan skipped ahead so he could walk backward down the sidewalk and face them as he talked. “Just wait and see. In a few years, for just a couple hundred dollars, we’ll all have personal computers on our desks and they’ll be able to talk to one another.”

  “What could they possibly say that we can’t just say like this?” Teresa asked.

  “It’s not this kind of talking,” Sullivan said, and Ellie recognized the manic gleam in his eye, the one he got when he talked about his research. “We’ll be able to talk to anyone, anywhere in the world. We’ll have access to every library in the world. We’ll be able to buy things over our computers and have them sent to our houses.”

  Bernie scoffed. “I can’t wait to get out of my house. Why the hell would I want to sit on a computer in my house and have junk sent there?”

  Ellie pushed open the door to the diner and led the way to a booth while Sullivan kept talking about how great this coming computer age was going to be. “It’d be good for him to have friends,” she had pleaded with Teresa. “Friends other than me.” But just now, she was regretting asking him to join them for an evening out.

  “He doesn’t get out much,” Teresa had whispered to Bernie when they pulled up at the curb and Sullivan came bounding down the stairs behind Ellie.

  “All right, Rod Serling,” Bernie interrupted now as they slid into their booth. “Shut up and look the menu over. I’m starving.”

  Teresa grinned and picked up her menu. It had been weeks since Bernie had mentioned Tom. She had no idea if that meant they hadn’t seen each other, or if Bernie just wasn’t saying, but Teresa liked this happier Bernie much better than the brooding one who was always obsessing about her married lover. She loved that Bernie and Ellie got along, joking and laughing together. If Bernie ever resented it when Teresa dropped her off at home and then took Ellie home so they could have time alone together, she never gave any hint of it.

  A different waitress came to take their order. Ellie looked around.

  “Where’s Louise tonight?”

  The waitress glanced around the table. “You’re Ellie, right?”

  Ellie nodded.

  “She just decided to take an evening off for a change,” the waitress said.

  Ellie frowned a bit. “Well, tell her I’m sorry I missed her.”

  “I will.” The server took their orders and left to get their drinks.

  “She deserves a night off every now and then,” Teresa said, nudging Ellie with her shoulder.

  “You’re right,” Ellie said, but she still looked worried.

  They ate dinner as Bernie and Sullivan got into a debate over the relative merits of Star Trek versus Star Wars.

  “This will go on all night,” Teresa muttered in Ellie’s ear.

  “I wouldn’t have picked you for a Star Trek fan,” Ellie said to Bernie a while later as they walked back to the car.

  “William Shatner,” Bernie said with a sly smile.

  “Let’s leave the car here,” Teresa said. “There’s a bookstore nearby I’ve been wanting to get to.”

  Once in the bookstore, all four of them headed in different directions. Teresa was browsing the fiction aisle, a copy of Stephen King’s Firestarter in her hand, when Bernie called from the end of the aisle.

  “There you are.”

  She was carrying an upside-down book, a puzzled expression on her face.

  “What are you reading?” Teresa asked.

  “The Joy of Lesbian Sex.”

  “What?” Teresa sputtered.

  Bernie held the book out. “Look at this.” But Teresa was already walking away from her. “Wait,” Bernie called, hurrying after her.

  “Bernie,” Teresa hissed. “What are you doing?”

  “What?” Bernie asked. “I’m looking at a goddamned book. I can look at a book for Christ’s sake.”

  “Not that one,” Teresa whispered. She looked around to see if anyone was within hearing.

  “Why?” Bernie said in a normal tone.

  “Lower your voice!”

  “Why?” Bernie asked, even louder. “Have you looked at these drawings?” She held the book out again. Teresa looked helplessly for an escape route. “Have you and Ellie tried this one?”

  Teresa covered her eyes with her hand.

  “Hmmm, no. We haven’t.”

  Teresa took her hand away to find Ellie standing there looking over Bernie’s shoulder at the book. She tilted her head until she was almost upside-down.

  Teresa could hear them laughing behind her as she took the opportunity to hurry up to the cash register to buy her book. She went outside where the cool April air felt good on her face.

  She saw movement on the other side of the street in an alley between two buildings. There was a man with a dog. She hurried across, dodging cars, and ran to the entrance of the alley.

  “Lucy!” she called. She took several steps into the alley.

  The man turned, and the dog growled. Up close, Teresa could see that it wasn’t Dogman and Lucy. Other shadows moved in the darkness, and Teresa saw that there were perhaps ten other people there.

  “Sorry,” she said. “I thought you were someone else.”

  Her heart leapt into her throat as the shadow people moved to flank her. She backed toward the entrance to the alley, but found her way blocked.

  “Teresa!”

  Bernie, Ellie and Sullivan trotted to the alley. The shadow people melted back into the darkness.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Bernie demanded.

  “I thought I saw someone I knew,” Teresa said shakily, her heart still pounding.

  “Come on,” Bernie said. She grabbed Teresa by the arm and pulled her back out into the light.

  Ellie, though, stepped into the alley and called out, “Daniel? Do any of you know a man named Daniel?”

  “Go away,” was the only reply.

  Teresa took Ellie by the hand. “Come on. Let’s go.”

  They walked back to where the car was parked. With some effort, Sullivan stuffed himself into the Volkswagen’s back seat beside Ellie. Teresa drove Bernie home.

  “You forgot your bag,” Teresa called out when Bernie got out of the car. She held up a bag from the bookstore.

  Bernie bent down to look into the car and grinned. “That’s for you and Ellie.”

  CHAPTER 22

  Ellie quietly slipped out of bed and pulled on sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Creeping over to her dresser, she tugged out the bottom drawer where her drawing pad and pencils were kept. She sat in the chair near the window and looked back at the bed.

  The light that came into this bedroom was one of the things she loved about this apartment, and right now, the early morning sunlight was spilling across Teresa’s body as she lay sleeping. No longer shy about being naked with Ellie, Teresa was finally learning to relax and enjoy the pleasure she and Ellie shared when they made love. She lay now, one arm over her head, one breast exposed, the bedcovers making undulating shadows as they draped over her curves. KC was curled in a tight ball next to Teresa’s leg. Outside, birds began to wake in the early morning, and Ellie’s pencil flew in whispery scratches as she sketched.

  She had a very good likeness laid out on the paper by the time Teresa stirred.

  “What are you doing?” Teresa asked, rubbing her eyes.

  “Drawing you.”

&n
bsp; Teresa sat up. “I didn’t know you drew.” She looked down and her eyes widened. “You’re drawing me?” She pulled the sheet up to her neck.

  Ellie smiled and got up. “Relax. See how beautiful you were?”

  Teresa stared open-mouthed at the image on the paper. Ellie watched her, trying to tell what she thought, but all Teresa said was, “Could I see your others?”

  Hesitantly, Ellie flipped to other pages in her drawing pad. Loose pages fell out upon the bed. Teresa picked them up. Something in her expression shifted.

  “Katie?”

  Ellie nodded. Teresa looked at them more intently, studying them.

  “She was pretty. Nice hands.”

  Ellie sat on the bed. “She was. And she did have nice hands. It was one of the things I used to like watching.” She reached out for Teresa’s hand and raised it to her lips. “But now, it’s your hands I like to watch.”

  Teresa pulled her hand away and rolled to the other side of the bed to get out. KC meowed at being disturbed.

  “What’s the matter?” Ellie asked.

  “Nothing,” Teresa said, looking around for her discarded clothing. “I just have to get going.” She didn’t look at Ellie as she quickly dressed. “I’ll call you later.”

  Ellie, still sitting on the bed, said, “Sure.” She heard the sounds of Teresa wrenching open the kitchen door and then pulling it shut. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, and then gathered up the scattered drawings and tucked them all back in their drawer.

  Not until she was at the bottom landing did Teresa pause. For a moment, she stood there with her hand on the doorknob, listening for Ellie, but there was only silence. At last, she yanked the door open and walked out to her car.

  She felt almost nauseous as she drove. Her gut churned and she felt an acidic sourness in her throat. For a moment, she thought she might get sick, and she pulled over, willing herself not to throw up.

  “What is the matter with me?” she muttered.

  You’re jealous, answered a voice that sounded suspiciously like Bernie’s.

  “What? No, I’m—” but she stopped mid-sentence.

  This feeling was so totally foreign to her that she had to think about it for a moment. Maybe the Bernie voice was right. She’d never been jealous before—because I’ve never had anyone to be jealous about. It was a horrible emotion. No wonder Bernie is like she is when Tom is with his wife. The worst part was the way she’d stormed out, leaving Ellie sitting there, probably feeling just as awful as Teresa was feeling now.

  Briefly, she considered going back to Ellie’s apartment to apologize, but a glance at her watch stopped that thought. They both needed to get to work. I’ll apologize tonight. She put the VW in gear and continued on to the store. She automatically scanned the alley for any sign of Dogman and Lucy, but saw nothing. She’d stopped putting any food out weeks ago.

  She had the sidewalk swept and the front windows wiped down and Mrs. Schiavo’s bread passed out before her parents got to the store.

  “You stayed at Bernie’s again last night?” Sylvia asked.

  “Yes.” Teresa busied herself restocking boxes of tampons and sanitary napkins.

  “You been doing that a lot lately.”

  “I told you, Ma. Bernie’s been having some trouble with this guy she’s been seeing and she wants to talk. I’m there so late, it’s just easier to stay.”

  Teresa could feel her mother’s eyes on her, but she stayed squatted down straightening the shelves.

  “Teresa! I need you to take the deposit to the bank,” Lou called from the office.

  Teresa closed her eyes. “Not today, Pop. I got a lot to do here.”

  “What do you have to do here?” Sylvia demanded. “I can take care of this while you go.”

  With a groan, Teresa got to her feet. She went to the office and pulled the money sling off the hook.

  “You walking?” Lou asked as he entered the deposit in the ledger.

  “Yeah. I feel like getting some exercise,” Teresa said. She zipped the deposit bag into the sling and pulled on her sweater. “Be back in a little bit.”

  The beauty of the spring morning was completely lost on Teresa as she walked. She didn’t see the sunlight bronzing the new leaves popping out on the trees; she didn’t hear the birds singing as they hunted for nesting material or pecked in the flower beds for bugs and worms among the crocuses and daffodils that were popping up in some people’s yards. All she saw was Ellie’s drawings—the sketch of her looked as if it had been done by an Italian master—in a few strokes, Ellie had captured a fall of dark hair across the pillow, the sensuous curve of a breast, the soft mound of a hip. I never thought I’d put ‘me’ and ‘sensuous’ in the same sentence, Teresa had nearly said, but couldn’t. Even to Ellie, she couldn’t voice the thought that she was beautiful. But she also saw the innocence and beauty in the sketches of Katie—Ellie’s first love—a place Teresa could never have.

  When she got to the bank, her heart sank to the vicinity of her knees when she saw that Ellie’s was the only open window.

  “Miss Benedetto,” Ellie said coolly as Teresa reached under her sweater and handed over the deposit bag. A faint patch of pink glowed in Ellie’s cheeks.

  Miserably, Teresa stood there, watching Ellie’s face, hoping to catch her eye and convey to her how sorry she was, but Ellie wouldn’t look up. In desperation, Teresa reached for a deposit slip and pen and scrawled, Call me at lunch? Please. She slid the note across the marble to Ellie, who gave a tiny nod. Teresa collected the empty deposit bag and tucked it back into her sling as she left to a chorus of good-byes from the other tellers.

  The clock in the lobby ticked toward noon. Ellie saw Aaron Myers head toward the break room. She hid a smile as she reached under her teller window for her backpack and jacket. She’d been trapped by him one too many times and was doing everything she could to keep it from happening again. Sooner or later, he’ll get the hint.

  “Be back in thirty,” she said to Bill White as he locked the front door behind her.

  Ellie reached into her backpack and ate her sandwich as she walked. A couple of blocks from the bank was a payphone, the whole booth kind with a door. She wrinkled her nose as she stepped inside and slid the door shut behind her. Someone had obviously used it as a urinal. Probably several someones judging by the odor. She dropped a quarter into the slot and punched the number to the store. Teresa picked up on the first ring.

  “Benedetto’s—”

  “It’s me,” Ellie cut in.

  For a long moment, there was only the muffled sound of cars driving by outside the phone booth.

  “Ellie, I’m so sorry,” Teresa said in a low voice. “I don’t know what came over me.”

  “Teresa, I can’t change that Katie was in my life before you,” Ellie said.

  “I know. It was childish and stupid.”

  “Yes, it was,” Ellie said. “Because it was childish. I was seventeen. It was child’s play compared to what I feel for you. If you can’t trust that—”

  “I can. I do,” Teresa said quickly. “I really do. I know better. I just… I don’t know what it was. Like this monster reared up inside me.”

  Ellie smiled. “This was our first fight.”

  She could hear Teresa chuckle. “Not much of a fight,” Teresa said.

  “I hope all of our fights are settled this easily.”

  “I hope there aren’t any more fights,” Teresa said.

  “That’s not very realistic, is it?” Ellie asked, picturing the squabbles in the Benedetto house when they were all gathered together. She shook her head. “But we can fix anything if we just talk about it.”

  “You’re right,” Teresa said. “Can I see you tonight?”

  “Can’t. It’s Thursday. Magnum P.I. with Sullivan, remember?”

  “Oh.”
/>   “It’s the only thing I do with him anymore. I can’t break it. But you can take me out to dinner tomorrow night,” Ellie said.

  She heard Teresa laugh. “It’s a date. Tomorrow.”

  Teresa knocked and let herself into the D’Armelio house. “Hello?” she called.

  “Oh, Teresa, it’s you,” said Mrs. D’Armelio, scuffing into the kitchen in her robe and slippers.

  “Doughnuts,” said Teresa, taking one for herself as she set the box on the table. She went to the bottom of the stairs and hollered for Bernie.

  Mrs. D’Armelio shook her head as they heard feet stomping to the bathroom, accompanied by a lot of grumbling. She poured Teresa a cup of coffee and joined her at the table while they waited.

  “How’s the baby?”

  “Oh, she’s adorable,” Teresa said, dunking her doughnut in her coffee. “My mother is in heaven.” She saw sudden longing in Mrs. D’Armelio’s eyes. “Hey, Francesca and the kids are coming over today. How about you and Bernie come, too? My folks would love to see you.”

  Mrs. D’Armelio’s face brightened. “I haven’t seen Sylvia and Lou except at church for ages.”

  Bernie made a grumpy entrance into the kitchen. “What the hell are you doing up at this hour?”

  Teresa laughed. “It’s eleven o’clock. You need to get showered and dressed. Y’uns are coming over for dinner.”

  Bernie dropped into a chair, a lit cigarette already in her lips as she took a deep drag and exhaled. “What?”

  “I invited your mom and you over for Sunday dinner. She wants to see the baby.”

  Bernie rolled her eyes, but then saw the expression in her mother’s eyes. “All right. What can we bring?”

  “Just yourselves,” Teresa said, finishing her doughnut. “You know how much food we’ll have.” She carried her coffee cup to the sink. “I’m going to go get Ellie and get started on the cooking. See y’uns about two?”

  A couple of hours later, Teresa was up to her elbows in risotto with the aunts milling around, giving orders. Ellie and Karen were setting the table when Bernie came into the kitchen carrying a glass cake pan.