Cast Me Gently

by Caren J. Werlinger

  Before she even climbed the last porch step, the front door opened, and Anita was standing there in her housedress. Teresa froze, waiting for a reaction.

  “Come here,” Anita said, hurrying to give her a hug, squeezing so hard, Teresa could barely breathe. “Oh, I missed you.” Anita rocked her and patted her back.

  “I’ve missed you, too.”

  Anita released her at last. “Come in.”

  Teresa hung back. “Who else is up?”

  Anita glanced toward the house. “Let’s sit out here.” She guided Teresa toward the wicker chairs on the porch, freshly scrubbed for the spring. They sat, and Anita took Teresa’s hand.

  “I’ve been worried sick about you,” Anita said. Her eyes scoured Teresa’s face. “You’ve lost more weight. You sure you don’t have cancer?”

  Teresa smiled. “I don’t have cancer. I’m good. Really.” She looked down at their hands. “I’m sorry about the day I left.”

  “Your mother won’t talk about it,” Anita said. “She won’t talk about you at all.”

  “I know,” Teresa said quietly. “I don’t want to put you in the middle. I just wanted to see you.”

  “You won’t talk about it, either?”

  Teresa shook her head.

  “Okay. But you’re all right?”

  “I’m all right. I’m working down at the Oakland store.”

  “Where are you living?”

  Teresa hesitated. “I’m living with Ellie.”

  Anita nodded. “I’m glad you have a friend, Teresa.”

  Sudden tears pricked Teresa’s eyes. “She’s been a good friend.”

  Anita looked out to the street, a far-away look in her eyes. “When I was young, there was a young man, a steelworker. He was Greek Orthodox. We met at a dance and dated for three years. We talked about getting married, but one of us would have had to convert. Neither of our families would accept that.” Anita’s fingers tightened around Teresa’s. Teresa had never heard this story. She watched her godmother’s face, seeing her as a beautiful young woman. “For a while, we talked about going away—away from Pittsburgh, away from family. It was the only way we could be together, but… We didn’t do it.” Anita dabbed at her eyes. “Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. Not a day.”

  “I didn’t know that. Have you been unhappy?”

  “Not completely unhappy.” Anita looked at her. “I got to watch you grow up. But I can’t help but wonder what my life could have been with a family of my own.”

  Teresa’s brow furrowed. “How would you feel if I moved away from here? Not so far I couldn’t visit, but… away.”

  Anita squeezed her hand. “I would understand. No one else can tell you how to make that decision. But you have to know, you’ll have regrets no matter what you decide. Don’t let anyone tell you you won’t. You have to decide which regrets you can live with.”

  CHAPTER 26

  Ellie entered the bank through the back door into the staff room. Bill White was there, pouring himself a cup of coffee. At the sight of her, he sloshed coffee all over the counter and placed the pot back on the burner, mumbling about something he needed to do in his office, and left as quickly as he could. It had been like that ever since the incident with Aaron Myers. The atmosphere at the bank was rife with tension.

  “If they want to get rid of me for walking out, they’ll have to fire me,” Ellie had finally decided. “I’m not running away like I was the one in the wrong.”

  Teresa had been furious and had wanted to contact the police. “He attacked you!”

  “It’s my word against his,” Ellie said. “Besides, I think I hurt him more than he hurt me.”

  Myers had looked startled to see Ellie at her window with Suzanne and Linda the next morning as he limped through the lobby. The bruise on her cheek had turned an ugly purple, and Ellie made no attempt to hide it. At the sight of him, the other two women had sidled closer to Ellie. Like bison, Ellie thought and she almost laughed at how he nearly tripped over himself as all three of them glared at him, watching him retreat upstairs. They had barely seen him since.

  Linda had confided that Myers had tried cornering her a few times until she had her fiancé come by and stare him down. “He’s a coward,” she whispered. “He’ll try anything he thinks he can get away with, but as soon as he’s confronted, he looks for someone else.”

  Ellie looked balefully in the direction of Bill White’s office. “And they let him keep getting away with it,” she added, not bothering to lower her voice.

  “Be careful,” hissed Suzanne.

  “Or what?”

  A new kind of defiance had blossomed inside Ellie—no, not new; it’s old. As old as Katie’s lies. This job suddenly felt like another of the things keeping her chained to Pittsburgh, and she found herself fantasizing about what she would be free to do if they did fire her.

  At noon, she left for her half-hour break. The park she’d found last fall had become her favorite lunch spot. The old men who played chess now recognized her and waved hello as she approached.

  “Hey, Ernie, Sam,” she called as she pulled her sandwich out of her backpack and sat on a bench. It was the same bench where the pie lady had sat down next to her, she realized. She watched a few other homeless people shuffling around, one woman carrying four shopping bags by their handles and another man pushing a shopping cart loaded with his belongings. She finished her sandwich and peeled a banana as she watched the bag lady approach a small group of mothers watching their kids play. She must have been asking for a handout because the other women were turning away or shaking their heads.

  Could I have done that? Even when things were at their worst, could I have begged people for handouts?

  You didn’t have to beg. Louise saw and took care of you, a small voice reminded her.

  The bag lady shuffled on, coming in Ellie’s direction. The woman sat down on Ellie’s bench, setting her bags down at her feet where she could keep an eye on them.

  “Spare a quarter?” the woman asked.

  Up close, Ellie could see that the woman was probably in her fifties, but it was hard to tell. Her gray hair was filthy as were her clothes, and a powerful odor of sweat and garlic settled around her as she sat.

  “I can do better than that if you can do something for me.” Ellie unzipped the pocket where she kept Daniel’s photo. “Have you seen this man? He’s older now, early thirties. His name is Daniel.”

  “May I?” the woman asked, looking at Ellie.

  Startled at such a polite response, Ellie handed the photo over. The woman peered intently at the image and shook her head.

  “Can’t really tell anything from this picture, but there was a man, called himself Danny. Or was it Davy? He had a beard and a bum leg,” she said.

  Ellie stared at her for several seconds. “Where was this? When?”

  The woman pursed her lips as she thought. “Wasn’t near here. It was down at the Strip, or maybe the Point. So that would have been winter before this last one. I moved out this way. No idea where he’d be now.”

  “Oh, thank you,” Ellie said, reaching into her backpack. She pulled out a five-dollar bill. “Thank you so much.” She tucked Daniel’s photo back into its pocket and stood. “I’ve got to go, but thank you.”

  “Thank you,” said the woman, turning the five over and over in her hands.

  “Jesus Christ, do you have any idea how long it’s been since we did anything, just the two of us?”

  Bernie grinned from the driver’s seat.

  “Since before Christmas,” Teresa said.

  “I mean, I like Ellie,” Bernie added, “but this is going to be fun.”

  Teresa looked out the passenger window at the Monongahela River passing below them as they drove over the bridge.

  “Go,” Ellie had insisted when Bernie suggested g
oing to Washington for some outlet shopping. “You two haven’t done anything together in ages. I’ll be fine. I’ll probably be at the diner all day. Believe me, you’ll get the better end of the deal.”

  She’d given Teresa a kiss that almost changed Teresa’s mind and pushed her out the door when Bernie honked from the curb.

  Teresa settled back in her seat. “So, why are we travelling an hour away when we have all the shopping in the world in Pittsburgh?”

  “Because it’s my fucking birthday and it’s not Pittsburgh,” Bernie said. She glanced in her rearview mirror at the city behind them. “We escaped.”

  She cranked up the music and talked about her latest issues with a student whose mother’s boyfriend was arrested for beating them. Teresa half-listened, wondering where Ellie was. It felt weird to be separated from her, even though they rarely got to talk during the workday. I wonder what she’ll be doing at the diner today? She was startled by a punch in the arm.

  “What?”

  “You haven’t heard a goddamned word I’ve been saying, have you?”

  “Sure I have,” Teresa said. “You were talking about your student.”

  “That was five minutes ago,” Bernie said, lighting a fresh cigarette. “Christ, you are pathetic. You can’t even be gone from her for a day.”

  “Don’t be stupid,” Teresa said, but she could feel the heat rising in her cheeks. “I was thinking about the order I forgot to send in yesterday.”

  “Liar.” Bernie exhaled, blowing the smoke out her window. “You are the worst liar in the world. No wonder your mother figured out the truth. Any contact from her?”

  Teresa scoffed. “Are you kidding? I did go over to see Anita a couple of weeks ago.”

  “Really?” Bernie glanced over. “How was that?”

  “It was good.” Teresa shifted in her seat. “Ma hasn’t talked about what happened, but I think Anita guessed. She told me she’d been in love. With a Greek boy, a steelworker, but neither family would let them be together.”

  “No way. Did you tell her about you and Ellie?”

  “God, no.” Teresa paused. “But I think she knows. She said she has always regretted not marrying him. Can you believe that?”

  “Jesus. To live your whole life wishing you’d done it differently. That is fucking sad.”

  Teresa turned to the window again. “I know. She hasn’t been completely unhappy, but she told me there would be regrets, no matter what choices you make. ‘You have to pick the regrets you can live with,’ she said.”

  “Shit. That’s a cheerful thought. Do you think she was warning you you’d have to make a choice?”

  “I already have, haven’t I? I don’t see Ma or Francesca or the kids, but I’ve got you and Robbie and Karen. And Anita, if I can see her away from the others.

  Bernie flicked her ashes out the window. “Let’s hope that’s all the choices you’ll have to make.”

  Ellie got off the bus on Liberty Avenue, near the Greyhound station. She’d slipped away as soon as Teresa and Bernie left, sneaking out of the apartment building so Sullivan wouldn’t hear her. She hated lying to Teresa, but she had to have some time alone. Ever since her conversation with the bag lady in the park, she’d been obsessed with coming down to the Strip district to look for Daniel. It was the first clue she’d had in seven years as to where he might be, and she had to see for herself. She figured the bus station was a good place to start. The streets and alleys around the station had large numbers of street people hanging out, hoping for handouts from passersby. Ellie had to keep reminding herself that the woman said Daniel had a beard now. She’d been picturing him as she’d last seen him, clean-shaven, with his military buzz cut. The woman also said he had a bum leg. Ellie couldn’t help worrying that he’d been injured somehow, or maybe he’d been wounded in Vietnam and came home with a bad leg.

  He won’t be the same, warned that careful voice in her head.

  I don’t care, Ellie answered. I have to try and find him.

  Don’t you think he’d have found you if he wanted to?

  Ellie didn’t like to think about that, about why Daniel hadn’t come to find her. That question had plagued her for years, sometimes making her angry that he had simply abandoned her, and sometimes, she almost hated him for it—and then immediately felt guilty. But she knew, if she ever succeeded in finding him, one of the things she would have to ask him is why—why did you just leave me there with them? Why didn’t you come find me when you got back? Why have you let me search for you all these years?

  She paused at the entrance to a side street with sign after sign for strip clubs and bars. This was not like the alleyways she was used to searching near the diner or in Squirrel Hill. Driven by a recklessness triggered by all of her unanswered questions, she took a deep breath and began stopping people, showing them Daniel’s photo and asking if they’d seen him. Most of the men she encountered already smelled of alcohol, even though it wasn’t yet ten o’clock. Judging by the sounds issuing from the bars when the doors opened, the strip shows took place all day long. A couple of men tried to talk her into going inside with them, but she kept moving. She knew she was taking a greater risk down here, but this was the last place someone had seen Daniel.

  She wandered for hours, getting nowhere. No one else said they’d seen him. Glancing at her watch, she saw that it was three o’clock. She would have to hurry to get home before Teresa. She made her way back out to where she could catch a bus. She had to change buses three times, and was approaching the apartment when she stopped abruptly. Teresa was sitting on the front steps of the building.

  “Hi,” Ellie said, sauntering up the sidewalk.

  Teresa didn’t reply. She simply stared at Ellie.

  Ellie forced a grin onto her face. “How was the shopping? We were crazy at the diner—”

  “I just called the diner,” Teresa said. “They said they haven’t seen you today.”

  “Oh.” Ellie sat beside Teresa, who immediately stood and stalked around the building to the side door. Ellie got up and followed her up the stairs to their apartment. Silently, she sat next to Teresa on the couch as KC jumped up into her lap.

  “Where were you?”

  The calmness of Teresa’s voice worried Ellie more than if she’d yelled. “I was looking for Daniel.”

  Teresa turned to her. “Where?”

  Ellie braced herself. “Down along the Strip district.”

  “What? Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?”

  “That’s why I didn’t tell you,” Ellie said, keeping her eyes on KC.

  Teresa paused for a moment and Ellie could almost hear her trying to control her temper. “Why? Why did you go down there, and why did you lie to me?”

  Ellie bit her lip, weighing how honest to be. At last, she sighed. “I ran into a woman, a street lady, a couple of weeks ago, near the bank, who said she might have recognized Daniel’s name. She thought she’d seen him down there winter before this last one.” She raised her gaze to meet Teresa’s stony face. “I had to go. I’m sorry I lied, but you always worry so much, and you wouldn’t have let me go if I’d told you.” Ellie’s eyes filled with tears. “It’s the first clue I’ve had about him in seven years. I had to go.”

  She lowered her face to KC’s head, sniffling. Teresa reached a hand out and laid it gently on her thigh.

  “You should have told me,” Teresa said quietly. “You should have trusted me to know how important this was to you.”

  Ellie raised her tear-stained face.

  “From now on, you have to take someone else—Sullivan or me—if you’re going to search in such dangerous places. Promise me.”

  “You… you would do that?”

  Teresa laid a hand on Ellie’s cheek. “You are everything to me. I know how much it means to you to find out what happened to your brother, but it would kill
me if anything happened to you. Please don’t do that to me.”

  Ellie closed her eyes, pressing her cheek into the warmth of Teresa’s hand. “I won’t. I promise.”

  “So, how is it, living with someone?” Karen glanced up as she twisted the corkscrew into a bottle of wine and extracted the cork. “An adjustment?”

  “A little,” Teresa admitted. She laid plates out on the table while Ellie and Bernie helped Robbie in the kitchen. “I mean, Ellie has been great about making room for my clothes and stuff, but…” She glanced toward the kitchen, but they were all busy, chatting. “I cannot stand going to a Laundromat. I never realized how spoiled I was, having access to a washer and dryer all these years. That is the first thing we’re going to have to talk about, moving to an apartment or a house where we can have a washer and dryer.”

  Karen chuckled. “Your brother may be able to help. He gets rental listings all the time. Ask him.”

  Teresa lowered her voice. “I better talk to Ellie first. She likes the neighborhood she’s in. It’s… it’s where she grew up.” She looked around. “I’d love to have a place like this.”

  “Well, Shadyside isn’t cheap, that’s for sure. But we think it’s worth it,” Karen said. “We love this part of Pittsburgh. It has an old-fashioned neighborhood feel to it.”

  Teresa’s expression became wistful. “I hate to admit it, but I kind of miss that part of Bloomfield. We knew everyone.”

  Karen looked at her. “And there’s been no contact with your mother?”

  Teresa shook her head. “There won’t be. Not unless I come crawling back, alone, asking for forgiveness. I know now how Robbie felt.”

  Karen watched Rob for a moment as he had Ellie taste the glaze he had made for the ham. “I knew it hurt him, being cut off,” she said. “But I didn’t realize how much until these past few months since you fixed things. We never told you, but we were having some problems, Rob and I. He would get so moody and nasty, and I never really knew where it was coming from. He’s so different now. I’m not close to my family. I can go to California to see them once every year or two and be perfectly fine with that, but I don’t think you guys can. It’s bred into you, that need to be around each other. How are you going to be if you and your mom can’t patch things up?”