Let Me Love You (Love #4)

by Megan Smith

  “Cooper?” I manage to call out through the tears. I’m not sure if it’s loud enough for him to actually hear. My heart is pounding.

  Why did I have to be so stupid? Why didn’t I just listen to Cooper and stay at home?

  The sound of wood cracking fills the room, followed by charging footsteps. Kevin’s weight disappears.

  “What the fuck?” Cooper bellows.

  I hear the sound of skin to skin contact over and over and over again. The sounds stop after what feels like forever. My body was shaking profusely and I’m freezing, my bones like ice.

  “Jay,” Cooper says, out of breath. He slowly pulls the blind fold off my eyes. “Shit.” He grits his teeth, working his jaw back and forth. “The fucking bastard couldn’t do it without blindfolding you. What a stupid asshole.”

  The tears come faster now. Cooper reaches behind my head and as gently as he can pulls my shirt over my head. I felt my body flinch away from his as he lifts one of my arms to put it in through the sleeve since I still can’t feel anything. My stomach rolls and I feel like I’m going to be sick.

  “Did he…” Cooper trails off, his eyes wild and destroyed. “I’ll fuckin’ kill him, Jay. Did he?”

  “No,” I cry out, my voice frantic but seeming confused. “You came just…in time.”

  “Holy fuck,” Cooper stands up from the bed and moves out of my view.

  I can hear groaning coming from the other side of the room. I hear the slap of skin followed by another and then the groaning stops.

  Cooper reappears within my sight. “I have to get you out of here.” He’s breathing hard through his nose, nostrils flaring with each labored breath. “Can you move?”

  I try to take a few deep breaths and try to get my crying under control. It’s no use, I feel like it will never stop, not now, not ever. “No,” I say with a cracking voice, shaking words that feel forced. “Everything is so heavy and numb, Cooper.”

  “God damn it!” Cooper slams his fist into the wall by the bed. He’s quiet for a minute. He has a hand leaning against the wall and he’s looking down towards the floor. “I have to get you dressed Jay to get you out of here.”

  “Okay.” I whisper.

  Cooper grabs me under the arms and turns me so my legs are dangling over the bed. He puts one foot through the leg of my pants, followed by the other, until he reaches my knees. Cooper stands, “I’m going to lean you to the side so I can get your pants on the rest of the way.”

  I nod, it’s the only thing I can do.

  He very carefully shifts me to the right and then to the left a few times until my pants are in place. He buttons and zips them while I lay there helplessly.

  The groaning starts again and Cooper’s body tenses.

  “Alright, let’s get the fuck out of here.” Cooper puts his hands under my knees and arms and picks me up. I can feel the beat of his heart against my ear, the adrenaline pumping double time. “I want you to close your eyes so people think you passed out, alright?”

  I give another nod, another silent agreement, and close my eyes, controlling my breathing the best I can through the hiccups of my crying.

  On our way out of the room I see the asshole that tried to rape me lying on the floor in a bloody mess. He almost took a part of my life, a part that I was keeping until the right time came, until Cooper was ready. I’ll never forget that face or the sound of his voice. It will forever haunt me for the rest of my life. Forever a monster under my bed.

  Mom is now sitting beside me on the couch crying silently, her eyes are full of pain and hurt. I reach over to the coffee table and pull a few tissues out of the box and hand them to her. I’m not surprised that I need a few for myself because the tears are on the verge of falling, yet again.

  “Baby, I’m so sorry this happened to you.” Mom cries, barely able to look at me. “Why didn’t you tell me, Jaylinn? We could have gone to the police or something.”

  I shake my head, “No, Mom. I was too afraid, I just wanted to forget anything ever happened.”

  My hands start to shake; I tuck them back under the blankets and continue.

  Cooper took me back to his house after I begged him not to take me to the hospital. I didn’t want anyone to know what had happened to me. I make Cooper swear right then, through tears and heartache that this night, what happened, that he will never tell a soul.

  And he tells me he won’t.

  By the time we pull up to his house, some of the numbness has faded. I wish that it hadn’t though because my body feels like it’s been through a fight or two, an ache I know won’t subside for a while. As we sit in the driveway, I’m able to turn my head and look over at Cooper.

  He turns the car off and looks over at me. “How are you doing?”

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath to keep down the bile that’s rising. It’s been everything I can do not to throw up. “I’m okay.”

  When I make eye contact with Cooper, he shakes his head, “No you’re not. Your face is as white as a ghost and you’re shaking. You’re clearly not okay.” He looks over across the street. I look down to my hands that are in my lap and they are indeed shaking. “You were almost raped, Jay.”

  Cooper climbs out of the car and walks around. He opens the door for me and picks me up the same way he did back at the party and takes us inside and into his bedroom. Thankfully Mason isn’t home so I don’t have to worry about him finding out what happened. I never want him to know what happened tonight. I’m ashamed I was so stupid and didn’t listen to Cooper’s warnings.

  Cooper sits me up against his headboard. I try to lift my arms and this time I’m actually able to move them, albeit not very fast because they still feel weighed down. I push back some of the hair that sticks to the side of my tear-soaked face.

  Cooper sits on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands, contemplating, deciding and obsessing. “I knew I should have never brought you to that party.”

  I knew he was going to do this. He’s blaming himself. He does this, it’s in his nature and I knew it would be.

  “Cooper, this isn’t your fault.” I sniffle as the tears start again. Just when I feel like they might be controlled, they start up again with more force. Will it be like this forever? Will I get past this?

  “Yeah, it is.” Cooper snaps, disgusted that I would say that. “If I didn’t bring you then we wouldn’t be sitting here right now.” He keeps his head down and pulls at his hair with his hands. “I fucking knew better. I knew and yet I let you and where did that get you? Goddamn it!”

  “Cooper, I was drugged.” I cry out, trying to make him see that this wasn’t on him, give him an out. “That is no way you’re fault.”

  “I’m so fucking sorry.” He mumbles, his eyes are on the floor and his words hit me, like a line drive straight to my heart.

  The dam breaks and the tears come freely as the night replays as I close my eyes. I was almost raped tonight. What would have happened if Cooper hadn’t rescued me when he did?

  I shiver, I’d be ruined, hell, I feel like I am anyway with the weight of the night crashing down on me.

  Oh God, I can’t breathe. I start to panic and feel like I’ll never be the same, never recover.

  Will that asshole tell his friends? What if someone saw what happened and it spreads around campus? No, no, no.

  “Breathe, Jay.” Cooper says with a gentle voice beside me, knowing where my mind was.

  I close my eyes and start to count to ten. My heartbeat slows a bit and the tears ease up. I feel that asshole on my skin and it makes it crawl. I scratch at my arms, then my stomach and legs.

  “I need a fucking shower.” I say aloud. I want the memory washed away, gone forever.

  I attempt to try and get up. My legs aren’t strong enough yet to hold me up as I fall back on the bed. Cooper is there in an instant but I put a hand up to stop him, scared to have him that close.

  “Don’t touch me.” I scream and then slap my hand over my mouth, not meaning to
say that aloud to him. I know he means well but I just can’t handle it. I’m not sure I can handle anything.

  The thought of having anyone touching me right now makes me want to rip them apart.

  Cooper backs up and holds his hands up in surrender.

  I try to get up again and this time I’m able to pull myself from the bed. I stand there for a second to get my balance before taking the few steps to Cooper’s bathroom. I shut the door and I’m just about to lock it when Cooper calls my name.

  “Jay.”

  I open the door slightly and Cooper holds out some clothes. Grabbing them, I quickly shut the door and lock it. I walk over to Mason’s connecting bathroom door and lock that as well. I place the clean clothes on the bathroom sink and then turn the water on in the shower as hot as it will go.

  I remove my shirt, bra and then I pull down my pants. My panties are missing; they were left back in that asshole’s room. I kick my jeans away and step into the shower. The scolding hot water runs down over my body. I pick up some body wash and pour some into my hands and start to clean my body. I spot a scrub brush on the ledge of the tub. I pour some body wash on that and bring it to my left arm and scrub as hard as I can. I feel like I can’t get clean enough. When my arm is bright red I proceed to the other arm and then the rest of my body. Finally, once my skin starts to burn, I drop the brush and lean against the wall and slide down until I’m sitting. I bring my knees up and hug them and let the tears fall again. I sit in the shower until the water turns cold and I’m shaking yet again. I reach over to turn the water off then grab a towel off the hook. I dry myself and dress in an old number five baseball t-shirt of Cooper’s and a pair of his boxer shorts. I reach up and wipe the mirror with the towel so I can see my reflection.

  “You see Mom,” I say through the tears, “the girl that looked back at me that night will never be the same.”

  My mom’s there for me, wrapping her arms around me and giving me want I need, a shoulder to cry on. I lay my head down in my mom’s lap and just let all the pain, hurt, heartbreak, anger and sadness out. Mom runs her hands through my hair as we both cry for what feels like hours.

  When I woke up this morning, I didn’t think I would be telling her this, but really it is exactly what I needed, someone else to hear me, to feel what I felt and be here for me for no other reason than to just be.

  There’s something about reliving the past, but there’s also something about telling the past. I want to exhale the past and inhale the future and I know this was a start to that.

  Spring training starts in a month and I’m not ready. I don’t give a fuck and this is the first time in all my life that I’m not excited to get back to baseball with the boys. I’m just not. My life feels like it’s on hold even though things around me are moving at record speed.

  Eli and I settled on the building for our nightclub in Seaside four days ago. Fierce is due to open in a month which gives me enough time to help Eli with the construction and design work and also hire some employees.

  We just signed off with the contractor who’s going to be painting the club at the end of next week. Thankfully the offices for Eli and I are already done so we are able to at least conduct interviews and work on setting up our accounts with different vendors for supplies.

  This morning I posted a few ads up on Hcareers.com, Monster and CareerBuilder for the open job positions we have. Within minutes applications were already starting to pile in. I went through a few and sent the good ones over to Eli for his opinion.

  At least we got that ball rolling.

  That part of my life is rounding the bases. The other part is still stuck in the batter’s box.

  I do the only thing I can think to do, which is work out to release my frustration.

  I’m running along on the treadmill at the gym when Mason steps onto the one beside me. “Yo.”

  I lift my chin in acknowledgment and keep pounding my feet against the belt and turn up the speed. Reaching for my iPhone, I make sure Mason notices that I’m not interested in talking, and turn on my music. I’ve barely spoken to my brother, or any of my family for that matter, since my falling out with Jaylinn. I don’t have anything to say. Why talk?

  I get the daily phone calls from everyone wondering what I’ve been up to and how I’m doing. They’re all walking on eggshells around me and it’s driving me fucking nuts. Yes, it hurts like a bitch that Jaylinn and I are no longer speaking but this is what’s best for her. She’s done with me and is moving on, and it’s what I’m trying to do as well. At least that’s what I keep telling myself because if I’m honest I’m a fucking mess deep down inside. I’m a fucking liar if I think I’m even remotely okay with her moving on. I’m not. I’m pissed.

  I wonder everyday what she’s up to, how she’s dealing with things. Nights are the worst for me. I got so used to falling asleep with her in my arms and now that she’s not there I can’t seem to sleep. Part of me wishes I had some kind of chemical dependency to help me sleep. I see the appeal of drugs now. They do offer some relief, don’t they? Hopefully with practice starting up I’ll be so exhausted that sleeping won’t be an issue anymore.

  When Jaylinn has a nightmare it scares the hell out of me. I asked one time what she does when I’m out on the road, she said that she runs late at night until she’s exhausted and can barely function, and then passes out and sleeps straight through. I wonder if she just told me that for my benefit because now that I can’t sleep, I can’t imagine what she did. I wonder how her mom is coping with hearing what her daughter is dealing with. Jaylinn and her mom have always and will forever be close. It’s the kind of relationship that every parent should have with their kid. I wonder if Jaylinn will find the strength to talk to her mom, I think she needs to and I’ve told her that time and time again.

  Mason waves a hand in front of my face. I pull my headphones out of my ears and slow the treadmill down. “What’s up?”

  He lifts his head in the direction of the door; I turn my head to see Jaylinn walking in the door of the gym. I wonder what she’s doing here; this isn’t normally the gym she goes to. A small petite blonde with big green eyes, Layla, follows behind her and they are laughing at some guy in front of them.

  I shake my head and grab for my towel to wipe the sweat away.

  “Who is that?” Mason asks.

  I shrug a shoulder, “Layla, she’s on Jaylinn’s team.”

  Mason nods, “Who’s the dude?”

  I shrug again, kind of pissed but appearing like I don’t really give a shit. “No clue.” I stop the treadmill and grab my water bottle and iPhone from the cup holder. I need to get the hell out of here, I was planning on doing a full workout but now that she’s here I’ve got to go. It hurts to see her, especially laughing and smiling.

  I look back over my shoulder, allowing myself one more look. The guy that was with them kisses the top of Layla’s head. Thank God because I’m not sure I’d be able to control myself if it was Jay’s head he was kissing. I’d probably go over there a beat the shit out of him just because I’m in that kind of mood today.

  Mason follows behind me towards the locker room. “Kenz was asking about you last night.” Mason chuckles. “She’s pretty pissed off at you.” Of course Mason would find that funny. Stupid fucker. “She said that she’s only seen you at the hospital and that’s it.”

  I feel like a dick because I’ve been avoiding everyone, not wanting to deal with what’s going on, and I sure as hell didn’t want to deal with my hormonal sister. MacKenzie has called and left at least two crying voicemails saying how much she misses me. She should be too busy with her family to be worried about me and my shit.

  “Yeah, I figured I’d be on her shit list.” I sigh, knowing what I need to do. “I’ll stop by on my way home.”

  Mason pats me on my shoulder, “Good luck with that.”

  “Thanks asshole.” I mutter under my breath.

  I pull up in the driveway behind Hunter’s truck and take a second t
o collect my thoughts on what I’m going to say to my sister when she starts questioning me about Jaylinn. This is where I wish for that chemical dependency again. If I was on drugs, well then maybe I’d be able to lie about everything. Or at least not feel this pain.

  Not knowing what to do, I rest my head against the steering wheel, I’m so tired and yet I still can’t fall asleep.

  Tapping on the window startles me. I look over and MacKenzie is standing outside my window with her hands on her hips, looking pissed. I pull the keys out of the ignition and open the door.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” MacKenzie asks the second the door is open.

  “Hey Kenz, I missed you too.” I say rolling my eyes.

  She pushes my shoulder with quick jab. “I’ve been calling and texting you for a week now. What the hell Coop?”

  I tuck my hands in my pockets and rock back and forth on my feet. She isn’t pulling any punches here; she’s gone right for the kill. “I know and I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy with trying to get the club up and running before I leave for training.” It’s not all a lie. It’s mostly true so I don’t feel so bad about saying it. She doesn’t need to know the truth. “I barely have time to eat some nights.”

  She doesn’t buy my lie at all.

  “Stop bullshitting me, Cooper.” She reprimands me. “I know you had a fight with Jaylinn.”

  I hang my head, “Yeah, we had a falling out but I really am busy with the club.”

  Her teeth start to clatter from the cold. “Are you staying?”

  “Of course, I miss my buddy, Chaos.”

  She glares at me and cuts me off before I’m able to finish. “What about the rest of us, your baby niece, are we just chop liver now?”

  I throw my arm around her shoulder and head inside. “I wasn’t finished.” I say, leaning into her. “You know I miss you all.”

  When we step into the house, I remove my jacket and see Hunter standing there with baby Olivia wrapped in a new cozy pink blanket.