by Amanda Munoz
I write in big bold letters “DADDY, YOU ARE FOREVER IN MY HEART.”
I hand the marker back to Javier and he scribbles on the wall too “TE AMO PAPA.” I love that he brought me here. It was really thoughtful.
Javier and I stop for a late lunch at a diner back in town. He eats a salad because apparently he wasn’t that hungry and I chow down on a burger with grilled onions and avocado and some onion rings. I don’t even care if I stuff my face in front of him anymore. He doesn’t seem to mind or notice the 5lbs I have put on since we started seeing each other. I however notice it every time I try to button my pants. Oh well, I just call them "happy pounds".
“Oh my God this is so good.” I say with food in my mouth. I know its gross but whatever, he doesn’t seem to care.
Javier just laughs, “I’m glad you are enjoying it.” He says and smiles at me.
We eat and talk and share memories from our childhoods. Javier tells me how he used to go swimming in a lake near his home and how he would jump from the top of a large cliff just for the thrill. I tell him there is no way I could ever do that. He says don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. And tells me there’s a place not far from here with a secluded watering hole.
“Okay, sure. Maybe I'll try it. We will plan it sometime.” I tell him with really no intentions of every planning it but he can be persistent sometimes.
“Why plan it? Let’s go now.” He urges. I roll my eyes at him. “What? Do you have a hot date or something?” he asks playfully.
“Yep, sure do.” I tell him jokingly.
“Well, he’s got nothing on me." he winks. "Come on, let’s go.” He says and throws money for the tab down on the table.
“What? I don’t even have a bathing suit or a towel or anything” I tell him making my list of excuses.
“There’s a store on the way over there. Come on.” He gets up and I hesitate a moment before finally getting out of the booth. “Only one life to live Aby.” He says to me.
“You always say that.” I tell him.
“Because it’s the truth.” He says to me and grabs my hand in his.
Javier’s right (as usual) there is a small store not from there and we run in and grab a couple of towels. There are no bathing suits in here but he encourages me to just get a tee-shirt and shorts and says that’s good enough.
The road to the water hole is a long, windy dirt road with a cliff to the right and large trees to left. It’s totally freaking me out. I feel like the road is far too narrow and find myself leaning to my left. Javier looks at me from the corner of my eye and then lays his hand on me reassuringly. Just that small gesture eases me slightly. We continue on the road for about twenty minutes until there is a small turnout; if you blinked you would have missed it. The small road is surrounded on both sides with tall beautiful trees and it reminds of the walk to our meadow. I always call it “our meadow” now. I smile as I think about it.
“You like it out here?” Javier asks noticing the peaceful look on my face.
“It’s so beautiful.” I say to him as I lean my head against the window and look up as far as I can at the trees surrounding us. Javier parks haphazardly and we get out of the car. There’s a small walking trail between the trees and we walk just a few steps before I can hear water splashing. It’s a pretty good sized water hole and a few people are in there enjoying the water. I can’t help but think it’s got to be freezing in there and I’m beginning to have doubts all over again.
“That water is probably freezing.” I tell him.
“Yeah, for a few minutes and then you adjust. It’s not cold enough to get hypothermia or anything. Live a little. Let’s go.” He says and pulls me towards the water.
I dip my toes in and for once Javier is wrong. This water is definitely cold enough to get hypothermia. It has to be. It’s freezing and there is no way I’m going in there.
“Oh no! You’re crazy. I’m not getting in there.” I’m loud and draw attention to myself. Pretty soon the other swimmers are trying to encourage me to get in. I feel like I’m on display for their entertainment and the attention embarrasses me a little. Javier sees my apprehension and stops urging me to get in.
“Let them look at you. You’re beautiful.” He says and kisses me on the cheek. “You’re a chicken though.” He says as he starts walking towards a small rock formation that surrounds the water. It only appears small until he starts to climb it and I realize he has every intention of jumping off. Now this rock is a huge mountain with a deadly drop.
“Javier don’t. You can’t be serious.” I yell to him. It’s terrifying that he is going to jump into that icy water. There could be rocks down there, it could be too shallow. Oh my God he’s going to jump.
“You’ll love it!” he yells and then leaps from the rock to the water below. I scream when his feet leave the ground and he plummets 20 maybe 25 feet into the water below. I’m holding my breath for what feels like forever until I see his head bob out of the water.
He lets out this exhilarating yell and hollers for me. “Come on Aby! Come on!”
Javier continues to swim and looks so at peace and I know he’s enjoying himself. In fact everyone here is, but here I am sitting down and watching everyone else have a good time. The cold water doesn’t seem to affect them. They are enjoying themselves. A few other swimmers climb the rock and jump down and every one of them surface with this priceless look on their faces. I want to do it. I’m scared but I am capable. I stand up and begin walking towards the rock. Each step gets heavier and harder and the rock seems to get larger and more intimidating the closer I get to it. I see Javier watching me from the corner of my eye and he’s smirking but he hasn’t said a word to me. I start climbing the rock and its sharp, jagged edges hurt my feet. I do my best to not look down because I know if I do I'll lose my nerve. I have always had a fear of heights. I make it to the top and walk towards the edge. I have to look down now.
“I’m waiting for you. Take a leap.” He has no idea his words have a double meaning. I take a few deep breaths and open and close my fists trying to shake out the nerves. I close my eyes and jump.
It’s like flying. I soar through the air for only a few seconds but I’m weightless and free and it feels incredible. I hit the water with a huge splash and the icy water stings my skin immediately. After a few seconds the shock of the cold water subsides and I rise to the surface. Javier is wading directly in front of me and his smile I’m sure matches mine. It’s huge and beautiful and he’s so excited.
“I took a leap.” I tell him as my body slowly adjusts to the temperature of the water.
“Was it worth it?” he asks. He grins at me with a gleam in his eye like he already knows the answer.
“Absolutely.” I tell him confidently.
JAVIER
JUMPED
12.
This girl could be fearless. She freaking did it. She jumped. And the best part, she loved it. Her smile was infectious. She can’t stop smiling and neither can I. I love that I got to experience this with her. I want her to experience so much more, I want to take her everywhere. I want to show her everything. I just want to be a part of it. The way she makes me feel… it’s indescribable. I feel good, she makes me feel good. Maybe I'm selfish, but I’m going to make the most of it as long as I can.
Because it’s Wednesday
13.
Getting through a day at work is getting harder and harder. Javier keeps telling me no amount of money is worth being so unhappy. He suggests I look for another job. I think about it a lot but in the back of mind I also think about how proud my dad would have been with me actually achieving the goal I set for myself. Although on the other hand, I’m sure he would have wanted me to do whatever made me happy.
Javier left to Manila for work yesterday. I didn’t get to see him the day before because he said he was coming down with something and didn’t want to get me sick. I didn’t question him about it because he really didn’t sound good when he called. When
we went to the meadow Sunday he did seem a little off, a bit pale and a little tired but I wish I would have seen him yesterday anyway because now it’s an extra day that I don’t get to spend with him. I notice that when he is gone I spend extra time at the shelter and the hospital trying to pass the time. I enjoy it, I really do but I think it’s time I take on another hobby or something new to keep me occupied. I realize before I met him I didn’t really have any hobbies or special interests aside from reading. I thought about what Javier said the other day about a garden and maybe he is right. It's a small backyard that’s overrun with weeds and unkempt plants that’s a complete eyesore. I don’t even go back there anymore. Maybe it is the perfect place to make a garden. I’ve been online for an hour looking at the garden section in our neighborhood home supply store. I’ve already decided after work I’m going to go and buy a bunch of stuff and start my garden today. I’m hoping that will keep me occupied for the next couple days.
I quickly click out of my web page when I feel someone coming up from behind me. I hear a couple girls in the office “Ooh and ah” and turn to see Travis a co-worker with a huge, beautiful arrangement of lilacs and wildflowers. The arrangement is incredible and fancy and I’m sure cost a fortune. He sets them on my desk and I’m shocked they are for me. The card reads one simple sentence but it’s enough to make me swoon.
Miss you muñeca.
Its 11:30 am here which means it’s like 2:30 in the morning tomorrow over there but I’m going to call him anyway. These are so beautiful and so thoughtful and I don’t want to wait to thank him. I grab my cell phone and step in the hall to call him.
He answers on the third ring and his voice is gruff and thick with sleep and it’s so sexy, “Morning muñeca.”
“Morning handsome!” I can’t contain the excitement in my voice and I hear Javier chuckle on the other end. “I love them. They are so beautiful!” I explain.
“Yeah? Well not as beautiful as you I’m sure. I’m glad you like them muñeca.” I can hear him speak through his smile.
“I do. I really do. No one’s ever given me flowers before.” Besides one time I got a corsage from a guy I went to a dance with but that doesn’t count so I don’t tell him.
“You’re kidding me?” He sounds surprised and a little less sleepy now.
“Uh…unfortunately not. Is there a special occasion?” I know there isn’t but I ask anyway just to see what he says.
“Yeah, of course it’s a special occasion.” He says as a matter of fact.
“What?” I didn’t expect him to say yes and now I’m thinking I forgot something.
“It’s Wednesday.” He says
I smile into the phone. “You sent me these beautiful and ridiculously expensive flowers just because it’s Wednesday?”
“Yes. Why not?”
“You’re crazy.” I tell him and I can’t stop smiling.
“Crazy for you muñeca.” He says to me and I laugh.
“And corny” I say remembering the last time he said that to me.
“Really muñeca, I’m crazy about you.” He says in all seriousness and I don’t know what to say back to him. I don’t immediately respond. I know I feel so many things for him that I’ve never felt with anyone before but I don’t know how to say them. I don’t even know what exactly it is that I’m feeling. I know I should say something. The silence is deafening.
“Aby, I have to get up in a few hours. I’ll call you later okay.” I lost my nerve and lost the moment too.
After work I head to the store and buy bags of soil and gardening tools and a bunch of plants and I’m excited to get to work. I want to have it finished by the time Javier gets back so I can surprise him. I know it’s my own backyard but still he will be so excited. Gardening I learn, is really hard work. I’m tired and dirty and sore from siting and bending and being on my knees. I’m not so sure this was the hobby for me. I’m not even half way finished and I have come to the realization that there is no way I’m going to finish before he gets back. I’ve been so busy that I’ve kind of forgotten about my conversation with Javier earlier today. It was all I could think about at work though. It’s hard for me to understand my own feelings let alone formulate them into words. I do know however, that what I feel is strong and exciting and frightening and real. And it’s nothing I’ve ever experienced before. The word love seems so simple but as I think about it all the things I feel have no words, maybe that’s why there’s one word to sum it all up. That thought scares me, could I really be in love?
I quit after only about two hours. I’m so tired. I decide to take a nice hot shower and then I order sushi from the same place that Javier did on our first official date together. After I eat I pull out my laptop and start searching google for jobs openings again. I think I really am going to find something new. My phone rings after a few minutes and its Javier. I’m instantly nervous. I just hope he isn’t upset about earlier. I should apologize.
“Hey there.” I say causally into the phone but I’m secretly holding my breath.
“Hey back.” He says, and then it’s quiet. Awkward silence ensues and we both sit on the phone not saying anything to each other. My heart starts thumping violently in my chest. I should say something. I need to speak. I need to say sorry. Oh my God, I probably hurt his feelings. I don’t want to hurt him.
“I’m sorry.” I say and then no other words follow.
“Me too.” He says and I don’t know why he’s apologizing. He didn’t do anything. It was me...all me.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about. You don’t have to apologize.” I tell him.
“I shouldn’t have said it. That’s how I feel but I should have kept that to myself.” He says to me and I don’t understand. Why would he say that?
“What do you mean by that?”
“I mean, everything I say and everything I do I have to think twice about it because you always look one step away from bolting.” Ouch. It hurts me that he thinks that. It hurts even more that he is probably right. I don’t respond, I’m lost in thought.
“You see. That’s what I get from you... Nothing.” That hurts even more. He’s mad at me. “Okay. I’m going to let you go.” He says.
“No.” I say, I don’t want him to hang up. God, why is it so hard for me to tell him what I’m thinking. Why can’t I talk to him? I’m so frustrated. I start to cry silently on the phone. He doesn’t hang up.
I sniffle on the line, “Are you crying Aby?” Concern laces his voice.
“I don’t know what to say.” I shrug although he can’t see me.
“Well, I can’t talk for you.” He says and I can hear he is frustrated too.
“I know that.” I want to change the subject. I want to tell him about my garden. I want to get back to easy, flowing conversation and move away from this subject but he won’t, I know him. Just like when he left me standing on the street that first day, he wants me to speak freely to him.
“I’m scared.” It takes a lot for me to admit that.
“Me too beautiful.” He says but I can’t imagine him being afraid of anything. “We’ll just keep taking it slow okay. But you should know, my heart is falling fast.”
Another tear escapes my eye. It can’t be easy for him to tell me how he feels and for me to say nothing back.
“So is mine.” It’s quiet for a few seconds and I can hear him breathing on the phone. “And I miss you. I can’t wait until Friday.” I feel freer after I speak the words from my heart.
“I miss you too. So much.” He says and his voice breaks. We hang up and I can’t help but think that Javier was crying on the phone too.
JAVIER
UNFAIR
14.
I don’t know why I did that. I don’t know why I feel the need to tell her these things knowing damn well she isn’t ready to say them back. Aside from that, it’s just wrong of me to say it at all. I know how she feels, I see it in her eyes, and I hear it in her voice. It’s unfair of me to keep doing this wi
th her. Maybe I thought it was no big deal in the beginning, but it is a big deal. A very big deal. I have to tell her. I have no choice anymore.
What Goes Up
15.
I’ve been so blissfully happy lately that I’ve completely let down my guard. I trust Javier whole heartedly and I’m so enthralled by him that I can’t see clearly. A small part of me keeps insisting that I take a step back but a larger part me of is so captivated that I willingly ignore all logic and all reason. I should know better. I should know that nothing lasts forever. What goes up must come down.
I’ve been seeing Javier for a little over 8 weeks now and although we spend just about every waking moment together our physical relationship consists of nothing more than kissing and a little bit of touching here and there. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me and other times I think he’s just showing me that he respects me but whatever the reason I feel like I’m ready to take our relationship to the next step. At least I think I am. Although I’ve gotten better at taking control of my own happiness and having more confidence, I’m still nowhere near ready to make the first move. Sometimes I feel like we are so close and then the moments gone. And it’s always because of Javier. He stops whatever he is doing so abruptly that it surprises me and then he looks at me like he wants to say something but he never does. I try not to read too much into it. It will happen when it’s supposed to and I know when it does it will be perfect.
Javier bought a new movie yesterday and I’m going over to watch it tonight. He’s cooking dinner. He said that he was going to make me a traditional Ecuadorian meal and that I was going to love it. I told him that as soon as the veggies in my garden start growing I'll start bringing salads to go with his dinners. He was excited when I finally told him about it. He has cooked for me several times already. I have done the same for him but we usually spend our time at his place instead of mine.