by Amanda Munoz
The moment Javier opens the door my stomach growls. Its smells so good. I can’t wait to try what he has made for me this time.
“Okay, Ecuadoran meals have a lot of starch, papas you call them potatoes, and rice, bread and yuca are served all the time. I made some meat for us and I’m serving it with rice, yucca and platanos. Hope you’re hungry.” He’s serving the food onto our plates and is softly singing a song in Spanish. He’s been doing that a lot lately.
“So, I know what meat is and I know what rice is, but other than that I have no idea what you made.” He sets a plate down in front of me and I’m intrigued and terrified. But it smells delicious and he worked so hard to prepare this meal for me that before I even taste it I’ve already decided I’m going to love it.
“Platanos are like bananas. You can make them a dozen different ways. These ones are sweet. You wait until it’s really ripe and then slice them and fry them.” He points to the golden brown slices on my plate. “Yuca,” he points again to a French fry looking thing “is a root. Like potato or sweet potato. I fry them crunchy with a little sal. Salt.” He smiles.
He’s looking at me expectantly and I realize he’s waiting for me to try it. I dig my fork in the meat and take a bite. It’s delicious. I don’t know what he used to season it but I can taste a slight tang from what I assume is lemon.
“Mmmm” It’s good. I like it.
“Oh good! I was worried you wouldn’t like guinea pig!” he says excitedly.
“What!?” Oh, my God! I did not just eat a guinea pig! Please tell me that was not a guinea pig! He should have warned me or something. Oh my God!
Javier starts cracking up. He’s laughing so hard there’s no sound coming out. “I wouldn’t do that to you muñeca. Yes, we eat guinea pig. But that’s just pork.” He’s still laughing but I don’t think it’s funny. “Try the plantain.” He urges.
“I’m scared to now!” I tell him only half-jokingly. He pleads with me with those doe eyes of his, and I give in quickly.
I take a small bite of the plantain and I love it. It’s so good. It could be served as a dessert. The yuca fries turned out to be great too and a really good compliment to the sweet plantains.
We finish our meals together and I’m stuffed. But Javier barely touched his food. “Aren’t you hungry? I ate twice as much as you?” I look over at his half eaten plate.
“Not really. I ate a little as I cooked.” He replies.
We clean up after ourselves and I fill the dishwasher while Javier puts the leftovers in the fridge. After, we sit together and start watching our movie.
“What’s muñeca?” I ask him I have always wondered but never bothered to ask.
“You don’t know? I've been calling you that for a while" he laughs at me a little. "Doll. Baby doll…I’m going to have to teach you Spanish one day.” He smiles at me. His eyes pierce mine and then his face grows serious. The room seems to turn silent and everything else fades away. He looks me square in the eye and my heart rate picks up. Leaning in slowly he kisses me tenderly.
His tongue dances with mine and his arm snakes around my waste. He lifts his right hand to my face and lays his palm against my cheek. He smells divine and tastes incredible. He kisses slowly from my lips to my neck and back up. Then traces his tongue from my ear down to the hollow of my neck. Gently he lays me back and hovers over me. We lay like that and kiss until my lips are sore from his 5 o’clock shadow and I’m aching for more. He slowly moves off me and stands up leaning down to take my hand. He helps me up and walks down the hallway. I follow him to his room.
I’m nervous and excited and so incredibly worked up that I can’t think clearly. He puts his hands on my shoulders and with the lightest touch he grazes the inside of my arms, then the sides of my waist, the tops of my thighs and back up as he kisses my neck and nibbles my ear lobe. I dig my finger nails into his back. I want him so badly. He walks me backward until the back of my knees hit the bed and he begins to lift my shirt.
“Please turn off the light.” I ask him.
I’m instantly aware of how exposed I will be and I’m completely uncomfortable with that. I know Javier has been with a lot of women. The conversation came up one day. He admitted that he had but said that it was purely physical none of them really meant anything to him. He hasn’t been with another woman since he met me and I believe him. It doesn’t bother me so much that he has had a lot of partners, what bothers me is how inexperienced I am in comparison. He seemed turn on by my lack of experience but with my insecurities I fear he is going to compare me to the women in his past and there is just no way I am going to measure up. I don’t want to kill the moment but I just can’t do this with the light on. I’m already so scared and self-conscious. I hope he understands.
He stops kissing me and lays his forehead against mine. He’s breathing hard and I can feel his arousal pressing against my hip. He doesn’t say anything and he stays with his head against mine for excruciatingly too long. His breathing starts too slow and I’m afraid he’s calmed down a little too much. My chest hurts. I ruined it. He doesn’t even want me anymore. I push away from him and walk towards the bathroom. My eyes burn with unshed tears. I hear him call my name and feel him grab for my hand but I snatch it back and shut the door behind me. I try to hold it in but I feel the tears fall from eyes anyway.
After a few minutes I hear a soft knock at the door. I know I have to come out, but I’m so humiliated. I have never been more mortified in all my life. Tears are still flowing freely and I want to calm down enough to wipe my face before I open the door. I ignore the knock and take a few deep breaths to steady my nerves.
I hear a soft thud against the door and hear Javier’s voice, “Aby. Aby, I’m sorry. Can you please open the door?” Hearing his voice makes my chest tighten and my heart is beating furiously. I’m so embarrassed, so upset, so angry. There is no other way out of here. I know have to open the door. And once I do I’ll have no choice but to face him. I don’t even think I can look at him again. After a few long minutes I open the bathroom door with no other choice.
He’s standing right in front of the doorway. I look down at his chest. I can’t look him in the eyes. “Please move.” My voice is so low and so shaky. He doesn’t move. Doesn’t even attempt to move.
“Aby. Please look at me.” His voice is pleading. But I just want to get out of here.
“Please.” My voice comes out louder, stronger this time, but still he doesn’t move. He’s just standing there blocking me. I’m upset and angry and so hurt and I need to get out of here. I shove him. He doesn’t move but it feels so good. I shove him again as hard as I can. He barely wavers.
“Move!” This time I yell, the anger in my voice shocks both of us and he moves out of my way.
I walk pass him into the living room and grab my purse off the couch. I turn to walk out the door just as Javier says, “God, Aby, you have no idea how badly I want you.”
I scoff and reach for the door knob but he’s moved in my way again. I still haven’t looked at him. I don’t think I can. My eyes start to water again and I just want to go home.
“You’re not like the other girls.” A strange sound comes from my throat. Just what I wanted to hear. “That’s not what I mean Aby. You’re different. You’re good. You’re the purest thing I’ve ever known. I don’t want to hurt you... I don’t want to lose you. I just don’t want to move too fast. I want you, I really do. It’s just-” He doesn’t finish his sentence. I’m left wondering what he wanted to say. He always wants me to be so honest but yet there is something he is so clearly hiding from me.
“I want you so bad Aby.” He sounds so sincere, his voice still pleading. “Please Aby, look at me.” He bends down and tries to be at eye level.
I finally look up at him. I’m trying not to get lost in those eyes of his. “Javier, I’ve only known you a couple months and already you have made me feel happier than I can ever remember and more dejected than I can ever remember. This can’t
be healthy… I need some time to figure things out.”
He leans his head down and nuzzles his nose in my neck. I should move. I want to move, but he feels so good. He makes me so week but yet I’ve become so much stronger as a person. “Aby I don’t want to lose you. “ He says. “I never want you to feel anything but good. I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you. That was never my intention”
Tears are still streaming down my face and I stand there wanting to leave and wanting to stay, the warmth of his breath against my neck is my undoing. This is one of the moments Javier talked about. The moment when your heart and your brain don’t agree. The moment you’re torn between how you feel and what you think. The moment that Javier said to let your heart decide. So that’s what I do.
The moment my eyes meet his I’ve already given in. Javier wraps his arms around me and I hold onto him tightly. I don’t ever want to let him go. He kisses me fiercely and I kiss him back. He pulls his lips from mine like it pains him to do so and then looks me in the eye again. He takes a few deep breaths and I’ve seen that look before. It’s that look he gives when he wants to say something. I’ve seen it’s many times already but no words ever follow it.
He takes a deep breath and this time he speaks “Aby, there is something that I need to tell you. Please promise you won’t be angry with me. If you want to leave I understand, but I just can’t handle you hating me...okay?”
I don’t know what he could say that would make me want to leave, he’s too good of a person, but I can’t promise not to be angry with him. And I could never hate him. I’m afraid of what he needs to tell me but I have to hear it.
Javier and I walk back to his room and sit on the bed. We are both sitting Indian style facing each other and my heart is beating rapidly waiting for him to speak. There’s a million things racing through my mind. I don’t know what his big secret is but I have this feeling everything is about to change. Did he get into some kind of trouble? How well do I really know him? Is his job really in technology? Is he wanted? Does he do something illegal? I look up at him and I can’t imagine him capable of any of those things. He looks nervous and fearful and he’s fidgeting which I’ve never seen before. His body's uptight and wound up. His breathing rapid and shallow. Beads of sweat coat his forehead, he looks so unsure, so uncomfortable. I’ve felt that way so many times before.
He’s scaring me. “Javier, please, what’s wrong?”
“I- I don’t want to hurt you muñeca... I’m so sorry.” The look in his eyes is something I can’t quite place. “I would see you every day and I just…I had to know you. I kept telling myself to keep you at a distance but I couldn’t. I just- I just wanted to know you.” He’s talking but he’s not really saying anything. I’m imploring his eyes not to lose his nerve and to finish what he’s started. I’m at a loss I have not the slightest clue what he wants to say to me.
“Please Javier, you can tell me.” I place my hands on top of his, he holds on to them tightly and looks down at our interlocking fingers. He looks frightened and so vulnerable and he doesn’t speak for a long time. Searching for the right words I guess or maybe just finding the courage to speak.
“I’m sick Aby.” I hear him but I can’t make sense of his words. I swear my heart stops beating. Sick? What? No, he isn’t. He’s fine. He’s healthy and active. I don’t understand. He sees the question in my eyes. “I’ve been sick for so long, I have had the greatest treatment available and really great doctors and it's worked… and it’s given me more time than anyone ever thought I would have- but this illness is relentless. And I’m so tired Aby. I didn’t want to fight it anymore.”
My heart constricts, it’s suddenly so hard to breath, and I feel pain, in my heart and in my soul. My body aches, this cannot be happening. Javier pulls me towards him and wraps his arms around me and only then do I realize I’m sobbing. He’s dying...that’s what it’s been this whole time...him pulling me in then pushing me away. The hundred times he’s wanted to tell me but never did. I’m devastated and then I’m angry.
“Why would you do that?” I yell and pull away from him. His eyes are red rimmed, he’s been crying too. He looks up at me sadly. He knows exactly what I’m asking him.
“Because I’m selfish.” He says so simply as though he’s thought it for a very long time.
“Why...why would you do that?” This time I cry the words and my heart shatters, I feel like I’ve crumbled into a million pieces. Javier pulls me onto his lap and I wrap my arms and legs around him and I stay like this crying into his chest for a really long time. He softly sings to me in Spanish and tries to sooth and calm me until eventually the tears stop but the ache in my chest doesn’t.
“I wish you were in the cartel” I tell him.
He pulls his head back and looks at me crazy. “What?” he says. And I smile at the bewildered look on his face.
“I knew you weren’t telling me something. I thought a million different things. This wasn’t one of them... I wish you were in the cartel instead.” I know it sounds crazy but really, that news would have been so much easier to hear.
“And you would have stayed with me muñeca? You are too good of a person for that.” He says seriously. I think about it a second. If that were the news would I have stayed? It would be another one of those moments where my brain and heart are at odds. But I already know what I would do.
I nod “I love you Javier.” This is the first time I have ever spoken those words and the dam breaks again and I cry uncontrollably. My body shakes violently with sobs and Javier tries everything he can to soothe me but I keep crying. At some point I must have cried myself to sleep because I wake in his bed covered with a light sheet and my shoes are off. Soft sobs coming from the living room must have woken me up. I climb out of bed quietly and walk towards the hall.
Javier is sitting on the living room floor with his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs. His back is resting against the couch and the TV is on lighting the room with a soft glow. His head is laying against his knees and he’s crying softly. I watch him for a minute unsure of what to do. Do I give him this moment and give him his space? What would he do if it were me? He wouldn’t leave me alone I know that much.
I walk over to Javier and sit beside him. He looks up as I approach and wipes his face with the back of his hand. “I’m sorry if I woke you up.”
I smile softly but don’t say anything. I slide down against the front of the couch and sit with my legs stretched out in front of me. I pat my thigh with my right hand and motion for Javier. Understanding, he lays down on the floor and puts his head in my lap. He lays like that a while and continues to cry quietly as I rub his head softly. I’m not a great singer but I sing to him to anyway just like I know he would have done for me.
Eventually he and I get up and crawl back into his bed. Javier falls asleep with arms wrapped tightly around me. I listen to the strong beat of his heart and his steady breaths but I don’t fall asleep. I’m afraid that if I close my eyes I may wake up alone.
JAVIER
SO BAD
16.
I didn’t think it would hurt this bad. Never did I think I could ever feel this way for her, for anybody. But it’s so real, with every piece of my heart and soul I love this girl. It broke my heart to see her cry, my heart still breaks knowing those won’t be the last tears she sheds for me. What’s that saying about better loving then never loving or something? Well I hope she believes that. I can’t stand the thought of her staying angry with me. I love her so much. So damn much.
I’ll never let you fall
17.
Javier lets go of me and stretches lightly, he kisses the top of my head and tries to crawl out from underneath me. He thinks I’m sleeping. I move off his chest and sit up in the middle of the bed startling him.
“Sorry.” He says automatically and then looks at me. Concern etched in his features. “Muñeca did you sleep?”
I shake my head but don’t say anything. I’
ve been laying here for hours thinking about what he told me. I’m remembering times he’s looked a little pale or just seemed a little unlike himself. Or that day I didn’t see him at all because he wasn’t “feeling well.” He barely eats anything anymore these days and he is always tired. The signs have been there all along but I’ve ignored them all. Turns out we are both selfish. We didn’t go into details last night about his illness. I want to know but part of me would prefers being ignorant to it all. He tries so hard to hide it from me that it could easy to pretend like it’s not happening, but I do know what’s happening, and I need to know everything. I think I already know what’s wrong with him. It’s taken someone I love before.
“Do you have cancer?” I ask him not meeting his eyes.
He sighs, he probably doesn’t want to talk about it anymore but I still have questions and I deserve answers. “Yes. Glioblastoma.” He searches my eyes. I have no idea what Glioblastoma is. I’ve never even heard of it. There are so many types of cancers out there. “It’s in my spinal cord… and now in my brain” He says it so softly like he’s delivering the diagnosis to me and it makes me angry. He’s so concerned now but he wasn’t concerned when he was making me fall in love with him. When he was pleading with me to tell him how I feel about him. How dare he do that to me?
“How long?” I ask him gruffly. I’m upset and he can tell that I’m angry with him again.
“Aby.” He says.
“How long? Or is that a secret too?” I don’t want to be mad at him. I instantly feel guilty but I don’t back down. I need to know. His eyes are sad and it kills me but I’m still so angry.