by Amanda Munoz
“I don’t know Aby.” He shrugs slightly not meeting my eyes but I’m not okay with that answer. Yes, I know no one truly knows for sure, but he’s stopped treatments, he’s stopped fighting, he has to know. They had to have told him something.
“What do you want muñeca?” he asks me searching my eyes.
“I want to know! I want to know why you made me fall for you! Why you wanted to hear me tell you how I feel so badly! Why you approached me! Why you pursued me knowing you are sick! Are you playing games with me? I don’t get it Javier!” I’m yelling and I’m crying and I’ve pushed him several times and he just sits there. He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t move, he just looks at me and it makes me even angrier. He doesn’t answer me he doesn’t even try to explain. I jump off the bed and storm out the room slamming the bedroom door. I snatch up my purse and shoes and open the front door. I take one step and then I’m hauled backwards. Javier is grabbing my arm tightly. He’s squeezing me and it hurts and his knuckles are white from how hard his grip is.
“Let go, you’re hurting me!” I yell and yank my arm. He loosens his grip slightly but doesn’t let go. He is breathing hard and his gaze is penetrating.
“You’re not driving like this. Sit down and calm yourself before you walk out that door.” He’s yelling at me. He’s never raised his voice at me and it's startling. I yank my arm again and he pulls me back and slams the door in front of me.
I scream at him again “Get off me or else!”
“Or else what? Are you going to hit me again? Go ahead. Hit me[MAR1] . It doesn’t hurt muñeca. Nothing will hurt like you leaving.” I yank my arm again and this time he lets go. My arm stings and I’m sure it’s already bruising from his grip.
“Look at my arm.” I say as I pull my sleeve up and show him the bruises forming. His eyes leave mine and fall on my upper arm where he was grabbing me. He reaches a hand out and brushes his fingertips over the mark. I flinch under his touch.
He speaks calmly “I’d rather you have a bruised arm then you wrap your car around a tree. I know you’re angry Aby and I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. This isn’t a game. I love you....I love you so much.” His voice cracks on those last few words and his eyes fill with unshed tears.
He hangs his head and softly says, “Five or six months...at most. That was almost 3 months ago" There’s a long pause while I grasp what he’s telling me. “I just want to spend them with you.” His tears fall and he slides down the door and sits on the floor. I fall to my knees in front of him and put my hands on his either side of his face. We stay like that, looking into each other’s eyes and crying together.
“I want to spend them with you too.” I say and my heart breaks a little more as I say it.
After a while we both get up and Javier goes into the kitchen to make breakfast as I call into work and tell them I won’t be in today. This time my boss gives me attitude and I’m going to add that to my list of reasons why I should leave that place.
I spend the rest of the day at Javier’s house, I brushed my teeth at least but we are both still wearing clothes from the night before. Javier seems to be walking on eggshells trying not to piss me off and I’m exhausted and feeling guilty for being so mean to him. We are sitting on the couch finishing the movie from last night and I’m trying my best to stay awake.
“Muñeca, vamos, you need to sleep.” He squeezes my hand and gently pulls me from the couch.
“I don’t want to sleep.” I tell him, and I don’t. I’m still afraid to close my eyes.
“You’re so tired Aby. You didn’t sleep. Please, I will lay with you.”
I panic and am suddenly terrified that he is isn’t feeling well. “Why, are you tired? Are you okay?” I ask him worriedly.
“No, beautiful I’m fine. Please don’t worry about me. I’m worried about you. You need to get some rest.” He pulls me behind him and I follow him into the room.
He urges me to sit on the bed and I do. He kneels down and pulls my socks off and then rises in front of me kissing me gently. He pulls away but I lock my arms around his neck.
“Why won’t you make love to me?” I ask him and it’s so hard to say those words. I’m so worried of his response. But I have to know. He doesn’t say anything for a long time. His pained expression saying a thousand words. But I'm not sure of any of them.
“I kept telling myself that it wouldn’t hurt so badly if we didn’t share that type of connection. I already know that being with you in that way would be so much more than anything I’ve ever experienced. I just didn’t want another reason to be angry with my choice.”
“What choice Javier?” I don’t know what he means by that.
“My choice to stop fighting. I was okay with it. I’d come to peace with it… Then you happened. And now I’m angry and bitter all over again..." he rests his forehead against mine. "What a cruel joke; to be given something so amazing only for it to be taken away.”
“Please, Javier...I need you.” I plead with him. I want this connection that he is so afraid of....I need it. I need him. He kisses me softly and then stands. He puts his hand out to me and I take it and follow him into the bathroom.
Javier wordlessly turns the shower on and adjusts the temperature of the water several times before he asks me if it’s okay. I nod that it’s just fine and he kisses me again passionately. His lips trail down my neck to my collarbone and he grabs them hem of my shirt. He hesitates and looks up at me for permission. The lighting in here is even worse and I’m hit with a surge of anxiety.
“Let me see you Aby.” He says softly in my ear. I nod slowly and he lifts the shirt over my head. His hands graze the sensitive flesh by my ribs and he reaches behind me to unhook my bra. It falls from my shoulders exposing my breasts and heart beats rapidly.
"You are so perfect." he whispers. “The most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” I let my bra fall the rest of the way down my arms while Javier palms my right breast and begins to suckle my left. He kisses the spot on my arm where he grabbed me and traces his tongue all the way up to the crook of my neck. My head falls back in response and Javier kisses up my neck until he finds my lips. My whole body is covered in goosebumps, his touch gives me the chills. My breathing is heavy and I ache with need. He lowers his hands and finds the buttons to my pants and undoes them. I slip out of them as I pull the shirt from Javier’s chest. He’s beautiful and perfect. And his skin is such a gorgeous, caramel color. I trace my fingers lightly on the firmness of his stomach never having been with somebody with a body like his. My fear fades away and I allow my body to react to him, I relax into his touch relishing the way his hands feel on my body. Once bare, we step inside the steaming shower and kiss eagerly. We are both dripping wet with water and desire and I have never wanted anything as badly as I want him.
Javier pushes his body against mine as I lay my back and head against the cool shower wall. He reaches down between my legs and touches me where I ache for him so badly. A soft whimper escapes my lips. He’s moving so slowly it’s torturous. It doesn’t take long to build me up and I’m so close to coming but then he moves his hands away from me leaving me wanton and aching. He falls to his knees and I instinctively push his head away. No one has ever done that before. I’m embarrassed and unsure. He looks up at me asking my permission he knows me well enough to know he'll be the first. I trust him and looking into his mocha eyes I nod for him to continue. The feel of his mouth on me is like nothing I have ever experienced before my knees are weak and I can barely stand on my own. I'm lost in ecstasy, lost in pleasure. I lose myself to him and it’s more intense than anything I have ever experienced. He slowly kisses his way back up my body and grabs a hold of my thigh, I don’t know if I can continue but I don’t have time to protest he lifts my leg and hikes it up over his waist. He kisses my neck tenderly as he slowly enters me. The burn and sting from the stretch is painful and delightful. He pumps in out at a delicious pace and I’m so overwhelmed in pleasure I can’t hold back any mo
re. My second release comes crashing violently and leaves me writhing beneath him. My body is so lax that when he lets go of my leg I can’t stand on my own. Quickly he grabs around my waist pulling me up against him.
“I’ll never let you fall.” He kisses me slowly and tenderly now making love to my mouth.
After a while I gain my strength back and we finish in the shower. We take time washing each other off and Javier even shampoos my hair. It’s not lost on me that he didn’t finish like I did and I want to make him feel like he’s made me feel. I feel bold and confident and I reach down and palm his length suggestively.
“What about you?” I ask. I think I surprise him with my forwardness but it feels empowering and I actually feel sexy.
“I’m not done with you yet.” He smiles, then pulls my bottom lip into his mouth.
We get out of the shower and dry each other off a little then head back into the room together. Javier playfully pushes me back on to the bed then crawls in between my legs. He reaches into the drawer of the nightstand and grabs a condom. He puts it on and looks me in the eye as he slowly pushes inside me. I let out a small gasp as he fills me so much deeper this way. His pace is slower this time but each thrust deeper.
The pleasure on his face and the sounds he is making take me over the edge again and his release follows closely after mine. This is so much more than anything I’ve ever felt. It’s not just a physical connection, it’s emotional and spiritual and if he didn’t own all of my heart before he definitely owns it now. Javier was right. This is going to make it so much harder now.
JAVIER
I don’t want to die
18.
I’ve battled this disease so long that I’ve already gone through each stage of acceptance. I was at the end. I was okay with it. I wasn’t angry anymore, I was just tired. Now all the stages are starting over again and it’s because I’m no longer okay with it. I don’t accept it. I don’t want to die. I want to live and I want every single moment I can get with Aby. I want grow old with her, I want to travel the world with her. She is perfect to me in every way possible. I love her so much it hurts. I did exactly what I was afraid of, I broke her heart and in the process, I broke mine too.
Stop it. Just stop it.
19.
Apparently I’ve been smothering Javier lately but he keeps worrying me. He never says anything but once in a while a look crosses his features that I’m interpreting as pain. I googled Glioblastoma and I’m constantly watching him for signs and symptoms and headaches are a big one. I know he gets them but he acts like he doesn’t. He seems on edge lately, every little thing annoys him. He hasn’t gone to work in a week. I was afraid it was because he wasn’t feeling well but he said he just didn’t feel like it. That’s not like him and it concerns me.
“Just lay down for a while and rest.” Since we made love that day three weeks ago his appetite for me is insatiable. He’s too tired to do much of anything lately but evidently not too tired to turn down sex. I can keep up but I just don’t want him to over exert himself. We just had sex a couple hours ago and here he is trying again.
“You take a nap and I’m going to get you a heating pad so you can put it behind your head.” I get out of bed and head for the closet I put the heating pad in.
“Stop it! Just stop it.” He says to me. I turn around quickly because the tone of his voice surprises me. He looks upset but then visibly relaxes and calmly he says, “I’m fine. Can you just come here?” He’s been snappy a lot lately and I try not to read too much into it. I’m sure there’s a lot going on his head. I wish he would share though, it’s frustrating. That thought is so ironic because typically I’m the one who doesn’t share. I walk over to the bed and sit next to him.
“I need to go see my mom.” He says. He mentioned it before a while back but hasn’t mentioned it since. We still go to the meadow every Sunday and sometimes he goes with me to the hospital to read or the shelter but more often than not, he stays in now. I worry that if he is too tired to get out of the house now that leaving the country is not the best idea.
“Should you be traveling?” I ask him concerned. He doesn’t answer, instead he gives me this look like I’m an idiot. I don’t like that one bit. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m just concerned.” I tell him boldly.
“I know muñeca but can you at least try to pretend like things are the way they used to be? I’m trying to enjoy every moment I can with you and I don’t need a constant reminder that I’m sick. I’m well aware.” I feel bad after he says that because he’s right. I want to spend as much time with him as I can and I can feel the shift in our relationship since that night but it's not just because of me and my unrelenting fears and worries it’s because he isn’t as energetic and playful as before and I notice it. I can’t promise that I won’t say anything to him again but I will make every conscious effort to try and ease up on him.
“So, you need to visit your mom? Does she know that-” I stop mid-sentence when he glares at me again. This is going to be harder than I thought.
“I’m sorry.” I say to him and look away.
“Yes, of course she does.” He replies curtly.
“Okay, well how can I help?” I ask him still not meeting his eyes. I’m instantly afraid that he’s going to leave for Ecuador and never come back. I always fear the worse. I need to learn to live each day like it’s the last but that’s not easy for me.
“Go with me.” He looks at me expectantly but I’m still processing. I look into his eyes and I can see he’s completely serious. He wants me to go. He holds my gaze a moment and then reaches for is laptop.
“I have to get the tickets now. The longer I wait the more the price goes up. Please. Take a chance. Do this for me. I promise you it will be the trip of a lifetime. You only live once.”
I hate when he says this now. The meaning is so very different than it once was. And I think he uses it as leverage. How can he ask me that and expect me to turn him down. I’ll never be able to forgive myself if something happened to him and I could have been there but chose otherwise. Ecuador? Can I really leave and go with him?
"I need to talk to work. Request the time.... What about your work? You haven’t been." I ask him thinking about all the loose ends I'd need to tie before taking off like that.
"I'm not going back. I quit. Why continue working?" he asks me and looks down sadly. He loved his job so much. But I understand that at this point there is no reason to continue.
I love him and I want every moment I can with him. He probably would have left to visit his mom a long time ago if it weren't for me. I can’t let him go alone. I can’t wait for him here with the chance that he may never come back. Every moment is precious.
I think I’m going to hyperventilate. I’m really contemplating taking him up on his offer. Should I do it? I should do it. Oh my God, I think I’m going to do it.
“Yes! Okay, yes. Let’s go!” Once I say it the fear and anxiety is replaced with anticipation and excitement. We’re going to Ecuador!
JAVIER
TRAVEL
20.
I should have gone to see my mom weeks ago but I kept putting it off because I just didn’t want to leave Aby. I told my mom about her and she was so excited and then really devastated and then really angry because she said it wasn’t fair of me to do that to her. I’ve though that too, a million times, but I just keep hoping that she will think it’s worth it. If the roles were reversed, I’d think it was. Without a doubt, I’d think she was worth it.
I’m not sure if I should even travel right now, I’ve been really tired lately but I have been feeling okay for the most part. I thought about calling my doctor but decided he can’t help me anymore anyway so I will just make my own decisions. And I won’t tell my mom until I’m on my way because she will just try to talk me out of it. I do notice a difference in my body but for now it’s manageable. I can hide it for the most part, which I will just continue to do as long as possible because Aby w
ill totally freak out. Well, more then she already does.
Ecuador
21.
We leave in two weeks and I feel like I don’t have enough time to do everything I need to before we go. He bought the tickets already and there’s no backing out. We will be there for three weeks which I thought was a week too long but Javier thought was a week too short. That’s a long time to be away. I put in the request with my boss and he was an ass about it. I really should get a new job. I stopped by the hospital and the shelter just to let them know I’d be out of town a few weeks. And I paid all my bills and did some shopping to make sure I was totally prepared. We are going to spend a week in his home town so that he can spend some time with his family. He’s really excited for me to meet them and of course I’m terrified, but it means a lot to him so I’m going to make the best of it. I just hope they like me.
I’ve never even been on a plane before and I’m so excited. I feel like a little kid, I’m giddy and thrilled. I have zero apprehension which is so unlike me. There is nothing that can take this moment from me. We haven’t even arrived yet but I already know without a doubt that this will be the most amazing experience I’ve ever had. Javier gave me the window seat so I can watch from the clouds. The flight is almost 11 hours long and I’m so anxious it’s going to be an extremely long 11 hours. The airport is in Quito which is the capital of Ecuador. Javier’s hometown is about a half hour drive from there. He said we will definitely do the tour of the capital but he wants to get settled in first and see his mom a soon as possible.
I figured we would stay with his family which is typically what Javier does when he visits but instead he reserved us a room at a little B&B. He said he knew I’d be more comfortable there and plus he can take advantage of me whenever he wants so this is a “win-win” according to him. His brother Ivan is picking us up and taking us to the B&B so we can check in and drop off our stuff and then we are going straight to mom’s house for dinner.