by Amanda Munoz
By the time we finally leave I’m exhausted. My body is sore and muscles I didn’t even know I had ache. I had a fabulous time, turns out dancing is now one of my favorite things. I tell Javier how much fun I had and he tells me we will make a point of getting out sometime during our vacation to go dancing. I’m really excited about that. We finally make it back to the B&B and I can’t wait to climb in bed. I tell Javier I'm going to take a quick shower to relax myself a bit before we go to sleep.
I'm in the shower all of five minutes when the shower door opens and Javier climbs in with me. He puts his arms around my waist and I lay the back of my head against his chest while the hot water sprays over us both. I know what he wants but I'm just too exhausted and I know he has to be as well. He begins to lather the loofah I brought in here with me with one of the handmade soaps I bought from that store in town. I relax against him as he soaps me down and rinses my hair. He sings to me and I’m so calm in his arms I could fall asleep in here.
"I love when you sing to me." I tell him.
"My mom used to do it. She would sing when was she was happy and she would sing when she was upset. I guess I got that from her."
"Do you sing for the same reasons?" I ask him. "You sing a lot."
"I mostly sing when I'm happy but sometimes to calm you."
"To calm me?" I ask swaying slowly in the hot water.
"Sometimes you are sad, or angry or anxious and I don’t want you to ever feel anything but happy Aby." he turns me by the shoulder so that I'm facing him. "No matter what, you deserve to be happy."
I can’t help but wonder if there is some hidden message in his words but for now I put it out of my mind. This moment is so blissfully perfect and I want to keep it that way. I enjoy the feel of the warm water and his arms around me. Javier leans down and starts kissing my neck, I stretch my neck to my left to give him better access and enjoy his soft lips against my skin. Suddenly, I’m not so tired anymore. He peppers the lightest kisses along my shoulders and my skin prickles under his touch. Even after all this time, I feel that familiar flutter in my stomach, that ache down low, that desire to have him. I stand on my tiptoes and reach up to pull his lips down to mine. I claim him with my mouth, hard and rough and still I can’t get enough. I feel frenzied and powerful and I kiss him harder yet. It’s still not enough, I want him so badly.
I turn around behind me and shut off the water and hastily I grab Javier’s hand and pull him out of the bathroom. We leave the shower door open and the light on as we make our way to the bed both dripping wet. My nipples pebble as the cold air hits my body but I’m still so hot and worked up I don’t feel the cold. I’m used to letting him take the lead, letting him be the one to make the first move and to take control but not this time. I need to have him my way. He lifts me up and lays me down on the bed and begins to crawl over me when I reach my hand out to stop him. I slide out of the bed and stand beside him, “lay down.” The rawness and desire in my own voice surprises me. Javier seems taken back by my forwardness but he does as I ask. He is so beautiful laid out bare for me and my desire for him deepens. I crawl up the bed and straddle his hips. I look deep into his eyes as I slowly sink myself onto him. I let out a soft whimper as he fills me. I control the moment, and I make love to him my way. It’s empowering and incredible and I love every minute of it.
I lay on top of him after and don’t move for a really long time. Javier kisses the top of my head a few times and slides his hand through my hair before I hear his breath even and he falls asleep. The moment was perfect and I didn’t want it to end but I can’t ignore the unease I feel begin to creep its way inside me. I know the end is near, I can feel it. In every breath I take, every kiss I get and give, every stolen glance his way, I know it’s going to be over all too soon. I wonder if he feels it too.
Javier is in the bathroom a really long time this morning. In fact he’s been sneaking away often lately. If I didn’t know he was sick I wouldn’t notice it so much, it probably wouldn’t be any cause for concern, but I know something is wrong. I don’t want to mention it, because I know he doesn’t want to talk about it but it’s really starting to affect me. I’m afraid that one moment we will be just walking down the street and the suddenly he’s going to fall and never get up. I can’t ignore this feeling any longer. I have to ask him and he needs to be honest with me. I know this trip is important to him, he’s told me he has so much planned, but I don’t want him to overdo it. I’m perfectly fine with just relaxing here with him; taking it easy and visiting his family. No matter what we do on this vacation, it’s still a trip of a lifetime and as long as we are together it will be perfect.
Javier exits the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist. His body is mostly dry except for a few droplets here and there but his face is flush and his forehead is covered in beads of sweat. My plan was to be calm and cool about the situation but instantly I panic. I get off the bed and quickly rush to him, putting my hand to his forehead. He recoils from my touch, “Stop it.” He says to me.
“No, you stop it.” I say as I put my hand back to his forehead feeling for a fever. He swipes my hand away and takes a step back. He gives me the weirdest look, its hurtful actually, it says a million things. It says not to touch him, or talk to him even, it says to get away, and worse, it says this is a mistake.
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask him.
He doesn’t say anything back, instead he walks around me and throws the towel off onto the bed. He reaches into his suit cases and grabs a pair of boxers but sit down to pull them on. He’s tired, he doesn’t even have the energy to stand up and put them on. I know he is sick, I know he doesn’t want anyone to pity him or treat him differently because of his illness, I understand that he wants to try and live as fully and normally as possible but what he doesn’t get is this isn’t just about him. It affects me too. I love him and my heart breaks for him and I hurt when he hurts and damn it he better never look at me like that again. I walk over to him and snatch his boxers from his hand and pull them from his left ankle. I throw them behind me, probably not the most mature reaction but I can’t help it.
“Really?” he says and rolls his eyes at me. I stand there with my arms crossed in front of my chest defiantly.
“What?” he asks.
“I asked you a question.” I tell him still standing tall.
He lets out an exasperated sigh, “I don’t want to do this. Why don’t you get it? I want to have a good time. Can we have a good time please? Hey, I’m naked want to do what you did to me last night?” he smiles and winks at me but he’s not funny. None of this is funny. In fact, it’s devastating, the thought that no moment can last forever hits me like a ton of bricks. He isn’t the one suffering, I am. He’s going to leave here and move onto a better place but I’m still going to be here. I’m going to be all alone, grieving him, and missing him and aching for him. He’s going to take half of my heart with him and I have no idea how I’m going to survive without it. How I’m supposed to get up every day without seeing his face or hearing his voice, without holding his hand or kissing his lips. Part of me feels like he is already gone that we are just prolonging the inevitable. Part of me feels like it is worse this way, knowing and dreading for it to happen. How dare he be angry with me? He has no idea how I feel.
“Screw you!” I say. I turn around and grab his boxers from the floor throwing them in his face. I walk away from him and walk out the room slamming the door behind me. I make it down the hall and out the B&B's main door before I hear him running up behind me. I continue to walk down the street and hear him following closely behind. He doesn’t say anything and neither do I. I just need to breath for a minute and the cool air out here feels good. I have no intentions of running away from him in a foreign country with a language I can’t even speak and I know he knows that.
“Muñeca, I’m tired.” I hear him say faintly and realize he’s not so close behind me anymore. I freeze in my tracks and turn around just as Javi
er sits on the grass near the side of the road. He’s about 20 ft. behind me and he’s breathing so hard. My first instinct is to run to him but I don’t. I stand there from a distance and watch him. I notice for the first time in the light of the sun how much he has changed. The glow of his skin has dimmed, the light in his eyes have dulled, light, shadowed circles frame his eyes and he’s slightly thinner than before. He’s fading away right in front of my eyes. I don’t even try to fight the tears that begin to fall. I walk back towards him and sit next to him on the grass.
“I wanted this to be a trip of a lifetime.” He says not meeting my eye. I don’t respond, I don’t know what to say. “I don’t feel well Aby.”
And my heart breaks more at his admission. I know how hard it was for him to admit that. I reach over and grab his hand in mine. Javier’s body relaxes next to mine as he knows I’ve forgiven him already.
“Do you want to go home?” I ask him.
He doesn’t answer for a long time. We both sit there in silence lost in thought. “I have so many things I wanted to do with you.” He says and I wonder if he’s contemplating going home. “Can you do them without me?” I snap my head back to him unsure what he means by that.
“What? No. Why would I do that?” I ask him.
“Because you can. Because you are strong and brave and have so much life to live. Because I can’t. I want to Aby, but I can’t.” His eyes are so sad, they already have lost so much life, how could I not have noticed that?
I shake my head at him and the tears fall rapidly. He reaches up and wipes my face and then tucks a strand of hair behind my ear as he has done so many times. “I’ll go with you. But I’ll just watch. Okay?” I don’t even know what he had planned. It scares me that he’s admitting he’s too sick do to these things, is he too sick to travel? Is it even smart of us to stay here? What if he needs a Doctor or a hospital? We need to go home.
“No, Javier, we need to go home. I need to get you home.” I hesitate a moment before standing up to walk back. After a few yards I look back to see Javier hasn't moved. "Are you coming?" I ask him and continue on my way.
"Fine. I'll do everything as planned. And if I drop dead zip lining at least you know I was having fun at the time." He braces his hands on his knees and I can see the energy and strength it takes for him to stand up from that position. I can't believe he just said that to me but I know he's only trying to solicit a response from me so I give him none and continue to walk. "Or maybe I will drown snorkeling because I'm so short of breath these days." I stop this time. I’m furious.
"What the hell is your problem?" I turn angrily to face him
"Ah! So you were listening." I continue walking refusing to give into his games. "Aby listen, I-"
I turn on my heels and storm towards him cutting him off mid-sentence, "Are you trying to be funny?"
His face turns serious and he grabs on to my wrist holding me close to him. "No. Aby, I'm not trying to be funny. I just want you to live a little. And I wanted you to have fun. I thought I would be feeling better. I'm so sorry." I instantly feel guilty for being so angry with him. He shouldn't have to apologize for being sick. That’s not fair to him. It's nothing he can control. I don’t want him to feel bad and I don’t want to be angry with him.
"There's nothing to be sorry for." I want to tell him how I feel. How this is all affecting me but I can’t help but think that it's selfish of me to do so. I think at this point we are both in pain, both of our hearts are breaking and we are both acutely aware of how hard this situation is for each of us. He doesn’t want to go just as badly as I want him to stay. But it's out of our hands we can’t do anything but accept his fate and live each remaining moment to the fullest.
"What did you have planned? Is there anything you feel up to doing? We can do what we can together and if there is anything you can't I can do myself but you have to promise to be open with me. You have to be honest. If you don’t feel good please let me take care of you. If you can't do that then the deal is off." I tell him.
I expect Javier to argue with me but instead his eyes grow wide and he smiles. "Deal." he agrees and reaches out to shake my hand. "Sunday we leave to Galapagos" he says excitedly. I think shaking his hand is silly but I do it anyway.
Instead of hitting the town as we originally planned Javier and I go to see his mother instead. The moment we step inside she immediately notices something is wrong. He assures he is just extremely tired and needs rest but he still wanted to spend time with her. She cooks for us and we spend the entire day relaxing on the couch. Javier dozes in and out several times throughout the day and we let him sleep as much as he can. Our conversation flows easily and she tells me about Javier’s father and how she loved him the moment she saw him. I tell her how Javier is the first and only man I have ever loved and I cry when I tell her how afraid I am of losing him. We bond over llapingacho (an Ecuadorian snack) and wine. I enjoy my time with her, I’ve enjoyed my time with all of his family. I don’t want to live and die alone, I make a mental note to make more of an effort to meet new people and try new things. Family isn’t just those related by blood, it is those who are there for you regardless of the circumstances and those who will love you always, no matter what. He is surrounded by so many people who love and adore him unconditionally and I envy that about him. So many people take that for granted, they become so consumed in their own lives that they don’t take time out of their schedule to spend it with the people who mean the most. Life is so short and can be over in a blink of an eye every moment needs to be lived fully it would be a shame to live with so many regrets.
Javier
Let go
24.
Every breath I take becomes shallower, every blink is longer, and every step is heavier. I can feel it from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. The lead pumping through my veins, weighing me down, making every night’s sleep harder to wake from, making every moment of every day slower and longer, making every beat of my heart sluggish, making the pain in my body more pronounced. I’m afraid to close my eyes but I can't keep them open, I’m afraid to take something for the pain but it's almost unbearable, I’m afraid to let go but I know I'll have to. She just isn’t ready yet. I can’t leave her now. I keep pushing, I try to ignore it all. There is really only one thing that matters to me now. I can’t leave until I know she will be okay. I can’t leave until I know she won’t be alone, until I know she can stand tall on her own, until I know she will live life fully, take risks and be happy. I don’t want to let her go but when she can do these things I will. I’m so tired but I’m more afraid than anything.
Incredible
25.
I’m in awe as we arrive at the resort on the island. It’s absolutely stunning. I have never seen water so blue and clear. This is what you see in the movies a place that you can’t imagine truly exists and I never would have seen something so amazing if it weren’t for Javier. He seems to be doing ok today. He slept the whole way here and looked so peaceful. He sleeps so hard now that it’s hard to rouse him but I watch him breath when he sleeps so I know he is ok. I want to get out and explore but I have to be patient. I know he wants to go back to the room for a while and we haven’t eaten so I need to make sure he gets some food in his system, I could go all day and I doubt Javier would say anything but he needs to eat to maintain is energy. We spent the last couple the days with his family. Eating laughing, drinking, talking, and having a really good time. It went unspoken, but everyone knew that this would be the last time they would see Javier.
His mother cried for what seemed like hours the last day that we spent with her. I felt guilty because I didn't think that I should be the last one to be with him. I feel he should spend as much time with her as he can. I just hope she doesn't feel any resentment towards me for it. I thought of telling Javier to cancel the trip that we should stay here and spend time with his family, but I know Javier well enough to know that he would never do it. We made a deal and he would never bac
k out of it.
We reach the room and Javier goes straight to the bed. He lays down with a plop face first and buries his face into the oversized, fluffy pillow. It’s a large four poster bed with a canopy top in a sheer, white fabric. The bed is massive with a lush comforter in cream and teal with white orchids. On the opposite side is a windowed wall with French doors in the middle and a beautiful veranda furnished with two white, wicker rocking chairs and a small table. I go straight to the window pulling back the sheer curtains and step out on to the terrace. The view is spectacular. We are on the top floor and overlooking the beach. The white sand is an incredible contrast to the bright, blue water. The beach is busy with people, swimming, and sun bathing, children flying kites and trying to jump the waves. This place must have cost a fortune.
"Javier, you are going to have to give me my share of cost so I can pay you back for everything. This place is unbelievable." I turn to him and he is laying on his back now with his hands behind his head watching me. "What?" I ask smiling at the look of longing on his face.
"You know what." He says simply. I don’t engage him. He's not in any condition to do what's on his mind and he knows it.
"Should we order room service or are you up to going down to the restaurant?" I ask him as I make my way to the edge of the bed and sit beside his legs.
"We will order a big dinner later but you have to grab something quick for now because you’re going paddle boarding in about an hour." He looks at me as though this is not the first time I’m hearing it.
"What? Paddle boarding? Javier I do not know how to paddle board." I’m not the greatest fan of those kind of things. I’m not a very physical person nor am I the outdoorsy type. He didn’t tell me what he had planned and now I’m not so sure I can go it alone.
"That's ok. They will show you. You won’t be alone. Even experienced people were beginners once. You will have fun." He sits up slowly and starts to caress my arm with the back of his hand. His simple touch is enough to calm me.