by Amanda Munoz
"Are you going to come watch?" I ask crossing my fingers that he says yes. He lays back down on the bed and crosses his arm over his eyes.
"Yeah, can you let me sleep about 20 minutes and then I'll go down with you and watch you from the shore.” That sounds good to me. I run down the hall to the little room with vending machines and grab a bag of pretzels and a granola bar. The stuff in the machine is miniature sized but costs a fortune. I slip back inside and watch Javier’s chest rise fall as he sleeps for a minute before I quickly finish my snacks. I change into my bathing suit and slide a pair of shorts on over. I find my flip flops and braid my hair. I make my way back out to the balcony and sit and enjoy the view for a while before its time to wake him up.
He wakes easily this time and changes into some board shorts and sandals and takes off his shirt. We leave the room and walk hand in hand through the hotel. Javier tugs on the hem of my shorts with his hand, “Why are you wearing these?” he asks me. We get in the elevator and push the button for the main floor.
“Shorts?” I ask him. “Why are you wearing shorts?”
“Well I’d take them off but I don’t think this is that kind of resort.” He says teasingly. “You might as well put on a sweat shirt too. You’re all covered up.”
“You should know me well enough to know I’m not about to go parading around in a string bikini.” As if on a cue a beautiful woman walks by with barely any fabric on. Literally three triangular pieces of fabrics barely covering her goods. I roll my eyes and Javier chuckles.
“What, she looks good” He says and shrugs his shoulders. I playfully smack his arm and we walk out of the hotel lobby towards the beach.
There’s a small kiosk with a young man working the desk that offers paddle board lessons. It’s really not much of a lesson, the introduction is quick and it’s just me and two other people who are in today’s lessons. After a while he said we could get out there. I had my inhibitions but I could see Javier watching me. I know if he could he would be right here next to me. I really wish he were. He only wants me to have a good time and I’m determined to do so. Before we went out on the water there was one last thing for me to do. I walked over to the chair where Javier was sitting and slowly pulled down my shorts. The look on his face was priceless.
“Here, hold these.” I said as I tossed them at him. I turned around and sauntered towards the water. I could feel his eyes on me the whole time. The burned through my flesh. No one else in the world mattered. I’m ok with my body, he worships it, that’s all that really matters.
I catch on surprisingly quick and have a really great time. Javier said I looked like a pro out there and he could watch me for hours. I probably could have stayed out there for hours too but I started to grow tired and was called back in by the instructor anyway. Apparently my time was up. I tell Javier how much I enjoyed it and he booked a rental for me in a couple days. We stay out on the beach a while later. This girl comes by with drinks and either puts it on a tab or charges it to your room so we took advantage and ordered a few drinks as we basked in the sun.
“Take a dip with me.” I tell him when I feel the sun baking my skin. I bought some sunblock from the same kiosk but my fair skin burns easily. I stand up from the chair and watch as Javier’s eyes roam over me. “You like it?”
I bought something different then I usually do. It was still pretty modest but I spent a pretty penny on it. It’s a maroon one piece, crotched bathing suit. The design is really pretty and very detailed. I saw it and I loved. I just had to have it. I find myself doing that a lot lately. I have the money and if I like it that much I treat myself. It feels good to do something good for myself once in a while. I work hard so I deserve it. So much for my retirement money. Although Javier would say that’s what my savings and 401k is for. I guess he is right. What’s the point in working yourself to the bone if you never get to enjoy yourself?
“I love it.” He says to me and rises slowly from the chair. He stretches slightly from left to right and rolls his neck. He’s been sitting for a couple hours so I’m sure his body is stiff. He takes a step towards me and puts his hands on either side of my face. He looks deeply into my eyes and then presses his lips to mine. His full, plump lips slide against mine and I part my lips for his tongue. He kisses me deeply and passionately our lips dancing and our bodies pressed firmly against each other and right there on that beach in the middle of all those people we are alone. It’s just us. He always makes me feel that way. Like we are the only two people on earth. He pulls back slowly and kisses my lips sweetly one last time.
“And I love you.” I close my eyes as he speaks and savor every word. The richness in his voice, the accent in his pronunciation, the sincerity of the meaning.
“I love you so much.” And I do. I really do.
We wade out in the water up to our chests and he pulls me to him. I’m weightless in the water and glide toward him wrapping my legs around his waist. Our bodies gently sway with the motion of the water and I lay my head against his chest. We are far enough out that the sounds of those on the beach are drowned out. All we can hear out here is the gentle lapping of the water, the birds flying above and the beating of each other’s heart. Peaceful and beautiful, another moment I wish could last forever. I pull back and look at him. The warm glow of his skin, big, beautiful, brown eyes, the small lines at either side of them, his slender, perfectly straight nose, his full “M” shaped lips. He is so beautiful. I love him so much. I don’t want to live without him. I can’t help it but I’m overwhelmed with emotions. I try to reign it in but a single tear escapes my eye anyway. I’m afraid the dam will break, I’m afraid to lose it again. I just want to hold on as long as I can.
"If anything happens while we are here call my mom okay. She will know what to do. Everything will be taken care of." I already knew that he wouldn’t be able to hold on much longer. His words just solidified it. He looks at me waiting for my acknowledgment searching my eyes to make sure I'm okay. I'm not.
"I won’t survive without you." I tell him and I really feel do that way.
"Of course you will. Because you are strong and brave and you can do anything." I shake my head in disagreement.
"You are if you believe you are...I believe you are. Tell me you are Aby." I shake my head again tears rolling freely now. "Tell me." he urges laying his forehead against mine.
"I'm brave...and strong..." I say weakly. It’s pathetic and doesn’t even sound believable. He looks at me like me like he's disappointed. The look in his eyes breaks my heart.
"I'm brave and I'm strong." I say it this time like I mean it. And maybe this time I do. I think about everything we have done together. Everything he has given me. All my accomplishments no matter how small. I'm brave and strong because he has helped me find that part of myself. He's helped me believe that I can do anything. That I can be fearless and bold and that I deserve to be happy.
Javier leans down and claims my lips with his. We make love with our mouths and stay locked in each other’s arms for what feels like forever but still not nearly long enough. When his lips part from mine the damn breaks. I can’t control it. I cry with every ounce of sadness in me, with every ounce of love and passion, it pours out of me like an endless stream. He just holds me. Tightly secured in his arms, my favorite place in the world. He doesn’t let go until I let go first. We don’t say a word, just look into each other’s eyes until I unlock my legs from around him and start back towards the shore with Javier’s hand in mine.
Back at the room Javier orders a feast from the menu and they deliver it to us fairly quickly. We jumped in the shower right after ordering and Javier just got out and is still in his towel when they knock on the door. I stay in the bathroom while he lets them in and they set up the dinner on the table. I look at the lingerie hanging from the hook on the back of the door and contemplate if I’m brave enough to actually wear it. It’s a two piece corset and panty set, red with black lace trim. It’s bold, and sexy and beautiful.
I’ve never worn something like this but I’m comfortable enough with him that I bought it with every intention of putting it on. Now that I have the opportunity, I’m unsure. Really I don’t know why I have any doubts, he is going to love it. I need to learn to stop being so insecure. I grab it off the hook and put it on. Under the sink is a pair of high heels I stashed there this morning along with the lingerie. The heels are black felt with red soles. They are high but I’ve practiced walking in them a million times by now. I bought these a while back with really no clue when or where I’d wear them but when I found this little, sexy, red piece I knew instantly the heels would go perfectly. I surprise myself when I check out my reflection. It’s unbelievably sexy and feminine and I look really good. I let my hair out of the braid and it falls over my shoulders in pretty, loose waves. I bend down and flip my hair over my head to add a little body then snap back up to check it out. Not bad If I do say so myself. I giggle at myself in the mirror and then give my reflection one last glance as I open the bathroom door.
Javier was just about to sit down when he spots me and freezes with his butt suspended about a foot from the chair. “Oh. My. God.” It’s all he manages to say and then he stands back up and clears his throat. Suddenly I’m all self-conscious again and have the urge to run and hide behind the bathroom door but instead I stand up tall and lean against the frame of the door. I do my best to look sexy and I hope I don’t come off as trying too hard. If I do, Javier doesn’t seem to mind.
“Holly shit.” He says. I laugh at him this time. He usually has so much more to say. He’s speechless and it feels so damn good.
I step away from the door and take a few steps before slowly spinning around to give him a better look. Suddenly I have all the confidence in the world and walk towards him. I make it halfway across the room when he meets me. He slides his hand through my hair and holds on to a chunk of it in his fist as he softly pulls my head back exposing my neck to him. He traces his tongue across the hollow of my collar bone and then the length of my neck making his way up to the sensitive spot under my ear. I shudder under his sensual assault on my neck. I feel the warmth of desire spread through the blood in my veins making my core constrict with need. His lips find mine and his kiss is fierce and rough. We make our way to the bed and hurriedly he turns me around and roughly pushes me face down into the comforter he leans on top of me grinding into my back side.
“You have no idea what you do to me.” He says through gritted as I feel his hand make its way between me and the bed. I feel his fingers pull at the fabric of my panties before sliding through my folds. He moves his hand fast and hard and I feel consumed with a deep yearning. Quickly he strips me from my bottoms and buries himself deep inside. I yelp in surprise and take deep breaths to calm myself and adjust to the stretch. I’ve never seen this side of him, he’s aggressive and rough but I’m so completely turned on. His behavior is uninhibited and animalistic, his grip is strong and almost painful yet so delicious. We make our way from the bed to the floor and then against the window overlooking the terrace. I briefly wonder if anyone can see us up here but quickly decide I don’t care. I’m too caught up in the moment. I’ll be mortified later but for now I’ll let them watch.
I feel Javier’s arms under my legs and neck as he lifts from a heap on the floor and carries me to the bed. He used to be able to pick me up effortlessly but I can feel him struggling. Wordlessly he lays me down gently and I watch him walk to the bathroom before I close my eyes again. I’m spent and my body feels like jelly. I can barely lift my head. I have never been worked like that before. I just want to sleep. My eyes flutter open with the feel of a warm, wet, wash cloth between my legs. I look up at Javier and I don’t like the look in his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I ask him concerned.
“With me?” he looks at me quizzically. I look back at him with the same question in my eyes.
“I hope I didn’t hurt you.” He says and removes the wash cloth and walks back to the bathroom throwing it in the sink. He stands at the door way of the bathroom watching me. His arms are crossed over his chest. At some point he put his shorts back on. He looks guarded and sad and worried.
“I’m fine.” I say and use what little strength I have left to sit up. “I’m not hurt.”
He was aggressive and a little rough yes, but he didn’t hurt me. He never would. He walks back towards the bed and flips off the light on his way. He pulls down his shorts and pulls back the sheet. He crawls in bed with me and pulls me next to him. We lay in silence wrapped in each other’s arms until eventually we fall asleep. He never did say what he was thinking.
JAVIER
I’D CHOSE HER
26.
I'm so angry. I want to just hit something or scream or both. I just want this awful feeling to go away. I’m not angry with her but I lost control tonight. I never wanted Aby to see me like that. I don’t know what came over me. I don’t even know where the energy came from.
I want her to be okay without me. I want her to be strong and brave and live her life...but when I made her repeat those words to me and when I looked in her eyes when she said it, I knew she meant it... and it broke my heart that she doesn't need me. How screwed up is that?
I got up after she fell asleep and watched her for hours. Her delicate, fair skin, her wild, beautiful hair, her pink, delicious lips. She is so incredibly beautiful. If I had to choose between a long life without her and the one I've been given with her, I'd choose her every time. They say every person on this earth has a purpose. Maybe Aby was mine. I was here to help her realize her strength, to help her to understand her worth. She has grown so much since I’ve known her. Maybe my job is done. But I’m still so angry I can’t keep her. Maybe it's just time I let her go.
You weren’t
27.
Apparently we were supposed to go snorkeling today but Javier said he felt crappy and I should go alone. Too bad I felt crappy too because I didn’t go either. I think I’m just really tired from the last week and especially last night. Plus, the altitude was hard to get used to and maybe a combination of all that is affecting me.
Javier admitted to having a really bad headache this morning so I make my way down the lobby to see if I can find him something. He could barely open his eyes and I can tell by the look on his face this is much more than a mild headache. I worry about him so much that I think I make myself sick sometime. I get nauseous from anxiety but I’ve learned to just deal with it. I can’t tell him that it would just worry him. He’s got enough to deal already. The lobby of the hotel is massive. I know there are hundreds of people staying here but you can’t tell because there is so much space for everyone. It’s got this Spanish nautical design to it that I love. The whole place is decorated beautifully. There is a row of check-in desks in dark mahogany along one wall and then several shops and cafes located at various locations throughout. It’s a really nice place and the people are great too.
“Hi.” I approach one of the desks with a girl about my age working it. She’s a little taller than me with thick, black, pin straight hair. Her eyes are a light brown framed with incredible lashes that I would have a hard time believing are real. “My boyfriend has a migraine, do you guys sell any ibuprofen or something at the shop he can take?”
“We sure do. Come.” She walks around the desk and leads me into the nearest shop and to a row in the back filled with all kinds of over the counter meds. Everything from aloe for sunburn to antacid. They have it all. I make a comment to her about the snorkeling I missed today and she gladly offers to reschedule it for me. Before I know it we are chit-chatting and getting along really well. We spend about 10 minutes talking before she realizes she is supposed to be working and I realize my poor baby is waiting for me. It’s easier to make friends than I thought. I should try it more often.
It takes me a while to wake Javier so that he can take the pills. Once he does he falls back to sleep fast. I lay next to him in bed for a while but grow restless rather
quickly. I sit up and pick up a stack of brochures on the nightstand. They have a spa here and a massage sounds amazing. They offer a variety of sightseeing tours and tours geared towards viewing wildlife and nature. They all sound like so much fun but I can’t leave Javier here especially if he isn't feeling well. I put them back on the table and for the next couple hours rotate around the room trying to pass time. I watch a little TV, I sit out on the balcony and people watch, and I take quick cat nap. I‘m hungry when I get up so I decide to order some food. I know the room service is pricy but I don’t want Javier to wake up and wonder where I am. While I’m waiting on my food I go back to the bed to check on him. I usually watch his chest for a few seconds to see it rise and fall and am satisfied that he is ok but as I stand there I don’t see it move. I blink and look again. No movement.
I’m instantly overcome with panic and I violently shake Javier while I scream at him to wake up. I pound on his arms and shake him fiercely “Javier! Javier!” I scare him and jumps up from bed. The moment I see he is okay I crumple to the floor and start to sob. My heart hurts. Literally hurts. His chest wasn’t moving. It wasn’t moving. He wasn’t breathing. Javier sits down next to me and pulls my hand away from eyes concerned.
“Muñeca, I’m fine. You scared the shit out of me though.” He tries to joke but it’s not funny. I thought he was gone, I thought I lost him. He wasn’t breathing.
“You weren’t breathing.” I cry.
“Of course I was Aby.” He says sternly. “Calm down baby please.”
I think I have cried more in the last couple months than I have my entire life.
“You weren’t Javier.” I know what I saw.
A knock at the door disrupts our conversation and Javier gets up to answer it. They set the food on the table and remove the uneaten food we left last night. Javier stands close to the man to shield me from him. I don’t need him seeing me a hot mess sitting on the floor crying. I’m not so hungry anymore and just want to crawl in bed.