by J. Desails
He just stared, not saying a word. Even with half of his body exposed, the only thing I could make contact with were his eyes.
“If I left anything else behind would you mind just shipping it?” I hoped that this would break the ice, or at least give me an easy out.
He looked down and I lost any advantage I had on reading his emotions. This was the first time I had ever looked at him like he was a stranger.
“Jer, I can't do this.” I tried to keep it together but I could feel the tears coming on.
“Then don’t, take your shit and leave.” He turned and walked back into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
So I did exactly what he asked me, I grabbed my bag and walked out the door. I thought I heard my name as I closed the door behind me, and then wondered if it was my imagination, or just wishful thinking.
I put on my poker face and got in the car. Bo slid his hand on my leg, and I nodded giving him the signal to take me home.
Chapter Eighteen
The ride home was a blur. I know I had dozed in and out the whole way. Bo saw me start to open my eyes, and I realized everything that I thought was a nightmare was a reality. I felt emptiness, like I was incomplete.
“So I know this isn’t the best time to ask, but when you said you wanted to go home, did you mean ours, or yours?”
I was blind sided, and since I was feeling all out of sorts anyway I decided on the answer that was the easiest.
“Ours.” I saw his face immediately light up.
“But I swear to God Bo, if you cheat on me.” He wouldn’t let another word out of my mouth.
“Bells, I wouldn’t and I didn’t.”
I could hear the conviction in his voice. And although not an ounce of me believed him I didn’t have it in me to fight.
I took another quick look at his beautiful face, and dosed right back into my sound sleep.
Hours could have passed for all I knew when I felt Bo poking me “We are home baby.”
I slowly opened my eyes and started to grab my bags. It was late, I knew it would be difficult for me to fall back to sleep now.
I pushed past Bo into our apartment, wondering when I would be able to actually make this place my home. I saw the xbox remotes on the couch, the empty beer cans next to the sink, and the trash over flowing.
“Sorry it’s a mess, I kind of left in a hurry.”
I knew from dating Bo for years that this was partially true. Only the trash part though, the rest of it would probably never change. I guess it was time for me to adapt.
“Jane called while you were asleep. She seemed to be trashed, but regardless said she would drive your car back tomorrow.”
“Thanks.”
I helped myself to a pair of his boxers and he threw me his t-shirt. I know it seems gross, but I love his smell. He used to leave his undershirts out on the bed for me, and I am glad that he thought to do the same right now.
I curled up on the couch and put on TV while he made several trips to bring all of our stuff up. I was flipping through the channels when Pretty Woman was on I literally clapped my hands together.
“Pretty Woman?” He asked before he could see the tv.
“You know me so well.” It was my all time favorite movie.
“If only I could just be Richard Gere right?” He looked at me with a half smile.
“Every princess needs her prince.”
He dropped the bags and came over to lay on the couch with me. Sometimes, on rare occasion, Bo could make me feel like a princess. We finished the movie, and I felt completely relaxed as he ran his fingers through my hair. I found myself drifting fast asleep.
When I woke up it was close to noon. I looked at my phone and had 4 missed calls from Jane, 14 missed calls from Jer, and 3 from my Mom. To top it off I had 4 voicemails from Jer alone. I couldn’t decide if I needed to hear them or not. Considering that they were left this morning, I figured he was sober. I decided to listen.
“IZ, CALL ME BACK.”
“IZ, I screwed up I’m sorry call me back.”
“Iz…………..”
I couldn’t even listen to the last one. Just hearing his voice made me tear up.
I saw Bo’s running shoes missing so I figured he had already went without me. I needed to run and clear my head. I went to grab my spare pair of shoes when I saw the picture again. I thought he got rid of it, but he just moved it from the bedroom to the living room. I couldn’t help but pick it up.
I sat staring into the picture, and instead of making up another story I just held it. I analyzed every aspect of it. Bo was happy, genuinely happy. She was beautiful and looking up at him. I saw the flowers in the background landscape, and I knew it wasn’t taken in the city. I also realized that Bo looked much younger, probably a few years before we even met.
I heard the door open, but I didn’t put the picture down. I saw him peek around the corner and I could feel his eyes on me as I lay in his bed and stared at the picture that has always come between us, without either of us realizing it.
“Bells, I need to tell you.”
I shook my head, I was finally ready to hear it.
“That woman, her name is Lauren.”
“Ok.”
“She was my college sweetheart. We were together for 5 years.”
“What happened?” I was afraid to know the answer.
“It’s a longer story than you want to hear I am sure. So here is the short version. Our Senior year of college she got pregnant.”
I held my hand up to my face. I didn’t know what to say, or where this was going. Why wasn’t he married to her? Why didn’t he have the child? And why after being together for five years did I not know this.
“Lauren never told me she was pregnant, she actually broke up with me right before graduation and said that she wanted to make a life for herself, and that didn’t include moving to the city with me. She broke my heart. I pictured us being married, a future with her.”
“What happened to the baby?”
“Well here’s the thing, about six months ago I ran into her brother. We were at a bar, and just started talking about where our lives had lead us. He accidentally told me that Ella looked just like me. When he realized he screwed up, it was too late. I had already figured it out.”
“So….so you have a daughter?” I was shaking my head in disbelief.
“Yes, she is beautiful.” He was so proud.
“Have you met her?” I tried to limit my questions, but I had so many.
“No. Brad, Lauren’s brother has been showing me pictures and videos. That’s who I was with the night you thought I was cheating on you.”
I always made it about me, and here this whole time he was going through something I couldn’t even comprehend.
“I’m Sorry.”
“No Bells, I am. I stayed out too late and I did get drunk. It's hard for me to handle talking about her, and not being able to be a part of her life.”
“So why aren’t you?”
“Lauren still doesn’t know that I know about her. She broke up with me because she knew I wanted to focus on my career. Honestly, I don’t know how to go about being a father to a twelve-year-old girl. Lauren would kill Brad, and I would lose my only lifeline to my daughter.”
“So why did you have this picture all these years? You have had it out before you even knew about your daughter.”
“Because I thought she was the one that got away. I always had good memories of her, and I wasn’t ready to get rid of all of the evidence that what we had was real.”
“Bo, that is the sweetest thing I have ever heard you say, even if it wasn’t about me.”
He let out a loud sigh. “I just….just needed you to know I wasn’t cheating on you. I really do want to take us to the next level.”
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
“I was going to tell you when I figured out what I wanted to do about it.”
“Well, what do you want to do abou
t it?”
“I’m not sure.”
Bo wrapped his arms around me and placed his head on top of mine. Without even realizing it I wiped away his tears, and although I wasn’t a fan of emotional men, I was completely turned on by his silent tears.
“Bo, I think sometimes we set ourselves up for failure. We are the hardest on ourselves, and we overthink everything. That’s why we found each other, and that’s why for once, you need to let that go. Forgive yourself for not being there, because you didn’t even know about her. But now that you do, you need to be a part of that girl's life.”
I wasn’t sure if I was crossing a line, maybe I was putting my nose where it didn’t belong. I knew that I didn’t want to see this regret in his eyes for the rest of his life.
I momentarily thought about myself, how this would change my relationship with him. Would he go back to her mother? But it didn’t matter; the only thing that mattered in this moment was his happiness.
He put his hands on the side of my face and stared into my eyes. It was like he was picturing us together for the rest of our lives, like a switch had been hit and in that moment he kissed me, and I knew I was forever his too.
Chapter Nineteen
Six Months Later………
“Bells have you seen my red tie?”
“No hun, check in the top drawer of the dresser.”
I had been editing all the pictures of the last two months and mad at myself for not doing it sooner. Not only had the pictures turned out phenomenal but also I would have them done in time for Christmas Cards, barely.
“Hey.” He whispered into my neck, immediately giving me chills.
“Hey to you.” I turned and wrapped my legs around him.
“Do you have to go to work?” I placed my hands in between his thighs.
“Ughhhhh Bells don’t torment me, you know I’ll stay. But then you can't get your work done. And you have a big night with Jane.”
I crossed my arms like a five-year-old.
“Fine. Have it your way. See you when I get home tonight.”
He kissed me softly on my lips “Love you.”
“Love you too.” As I heard the door close I threw my hair up into a messy bun, took a sip of my tea and glanced over at my phone. I saw the five missed calls from Jane, but knew I couldn’t get distracted from my work so I ignored them and moved on.
I was finally editing the last picture. It was beautiful, Ella with her arms wrapped around her father and looking into his eyes. The emotion from both of them poured into the photo
Two months after Bo told me about Ella, and after constant nagging from me, he finally reached out to Lauren. Although it took three more months for her to agree to let Ella meet him, it was worth every ounce of anticipation.
Bo and I had grown so much closer as a couple as well. We have been successfully living together for six months, and neither of us are dead yet, so successful.
It has been exactly 184 days since I have spoken to Jer. Since he doesn’t know my new address I have also not received any letters, and since Jane is still at my old apartment she has been given strict orders to throw out any of the letters she gets from him.
As much as I wanted it to work with him, as friends, I know that because of our actions on that night I would never be able to go back to being his best friend. Every single emotion I felt for him was real, and raw. I don’t think that it was possible for me to look at him without wanting to kiss his lips, or feels his arms wrapped around me.
I remember the first week of living with Bo, at night he would wrap his arms around me and I would silently cry wishing it were Jer. That feeling slowly went away and has been replaced by the love that I felt for Bo. Jane told me I had conditioned my brain to think that it wanted Bo, and whether that was the case or not didn’t really matter.
My life was consumed with work, and slowly even my thoughts of Jer disappeared, but I still couldn’t help the sick feeling that overwhelmed me when I heard our favorite song. I also learned when Jer stopped trying to call; I experienced a whole new pain. But with time I learned to ignore that too.
My thoughts were interpreted when I heard the doorbell ring, and then a twist of the doorknob.
“What the hell are you doing in here, not answering my phone calls all morning long?” Jane looked frustrated.
“Sorry lady, I’ve been finishing these pictures of Bo and Ella. Look how amazing they turned out!”
“I love that you act surprised that they turned out so good, you are dating the hottest guy in New York, and he has the best photographer in the city of course they are going to be fabulous. But I will look anyway just to appease you.”
I got up and headed into the kitchen while she was scrolling through the pictures. I heard her take a loud breath in and out. She wasn’t trying to hide the dramatics either.
“What Jane?” I thought she had deleted all the pictures.
“Nothing I was just looking at this picture of you and Jer.” Ever since I had told Jane about our rendezvous and the reason I am no longer speaking to Jer, anytime we were alone she would try to convince me that we belonged together. She was such a hopeless romantic and I admired that about her, so the first few times I played into it. Telling her that I would go back to him but I just needed time to think. I am pretty sure that we both knew that I wouldn’t go back to him, let alone speak to him again.
“You know you still haven’t told your mom. She still talks to Jer every other day and acts as if you guys are still the best of friends.”
I knew that she knew these facts because she also now calls my mother all the time. My mother loved to gossip, and so did Jane. And ever since Jane began driving to my hometown once a month to visit Todd, her and my mother became quite close.
I had figured that night when Jane disappeared that she was hooking up with someone. I don’t think that I would have ever guessed it was Todd. Although in hindsight he was exactly her type, hot.
Jane and Todd would take turns visiting each other and Todd has actually become part of our “family” when he was in town. I loved seeing Jane happy, although we both know that neither of them were faithful to each other, but right now I think that they were both fine with that.
“So I know that we were supposed to have girls night tonight, but Todd is actually on his way into town. Is there anyway we could double date tonight? You know I’d love you forever for it.”
“We both know that you would love me forever regardless, but I will ask Bo, I am sure we can.”
Jane left the apartment, and went shopping to buy a new outfit for Todd. Every time she went home or he came up it was an excuse for her to shop. I am fairly certain that he has never seen her in the same outfit twice. I guess when you only get to see each other once a month it really counts.
I am pretty sure that Bo see’s me in the same pair of sweats every other night. He hasn’t complained yet, but that is probably because underneath of those very large baggy sweatpants, is a lace bra and matching panties.
As predicted Bo was fine with going out tonight, and I laid our outfits out on the bed. I sat back at the computer and organized our “family” Christmas card. Since most of our friends knew about Ella, I suggested that we use one with her in it this year. Bo always seemed so appreciative that I welcomed her with open arms. Although it's hard not to, she is an amazing little girl and she has her Daddy’s smile.
We have only seen her six times since they first met, and each time we both loved her more and more. Last time Lauren even let her spend the night with us. She was surprisingly cooperative, especially since I had pictured so much worse since she never even allowed Bo to know about Ella.
I have never felt so insecure about myself than when I first met Lauren. Bo told her that I would be coming when Ella first met Bo in central park. Lauren had driven from Connecticut early in the morning to meet us, which Bo thanked her a hundred times for.
Bo and I were sitting on the bench, his leg shaking nervously.
<
br /> “What if she hates me?”
“Bo are you serious? It is impossible to hate you?”
I knew the second I saw her, that she was Bo’s. I even thought to myself that I would have pointed that fact out if she were a stranger on the street. Lauren was holding her hand, and I was immediately taken back by how beautiful she was. It would have been impossible for Bo and Lauren to have an average looking child.
Lauren had long dark hair, and a petite figure. She was dressed as if she had walked out of a J Crew magazine, and her friendly personality radiated. The picture that Bo kept of her didn’t do her any justice.
Before I had met her I was so nervous about many things. First I was nervous that Bo would immediately leave me and fall back in love with her all over again. Then I was nervous that she would hate me, and try to keep me away from Ella. But Lauren was none of those things, I could never hate her, in fact I actually grew to love her.
We talk about once a week on the phone, and normally skype twice a week with Ella. We all had such a strange relationship, but it worked and I could tell that a void that I didn’t even knew existed in Bo was filled.
“Bells, have you been sitting here all day?” I jumped in my seat.
“Sorry, I just zoned out I guess. And no I haven’t been sitting here all day, I’ve done the dishes, went for a run, edited the pictures, picked out your outfit and ironed, which I deserve extra points for because you know I hate it.”
“Ok, Cindy.” After a few months of living together Bo ever so kindly nicknamed me Cindy short for Cinderella, because he said I acted like a slave when I had to clean.
“Hey Cindy, I’m hoping in the shower if you care to join….”
And on that note Bo and I took a very long, hot steamy shower together before getting ready for the evening.
Chapter Twenty
“AHHHHHHHH you’re finally here!” Jane wrapped her arms around me as if we hadn’t seen each other in years. Which gave away the fact that she was probably already wasted.