by J. Desails
“Hey guys, good to see you.” Todd shook Bo’s hand firmly. He bent down and kissed my hand, and I thought I saw Bo clench his teeth. I could also tell that Todd was well on his way to being hammered.
Bo leaned over and whispered in my ear “So maybe we should have pre-gamed?” I let out an obnoxiously loud laugh.
“It wasn’t that funny.”
“No, it wasn’t but Jane on the dance floor right now is.”
We all turned to look in her direction as she was doing her best to do the sprinkler.
Todd went out and joined her.
“Well maybe they are perfect for each other.” Bo and I found a table in the corner and waited for their return.
“You know you really are something.” I felt Bo’s fingers down the side of my arm.
“And why is that?” I asked leaning in close to him.
“Because you made me fight, when I wanted to surrender. You filled my life with a love I didn’t even know I wanted. You made me whole, when I didn’t even know I was broken.”
Without another word I pressed my body into his, forgetting that we were in a public place I kissed him like no one was watching. I felt his hands on my neck and then I felt another pair of hands pulling him away from me.
“What the hell?” I opened my eyes to see my little brother standing there, with Jer right behind him.
“Iz, we need you to come back to the apartment with us, now.” I felt my knees weak, I stood but then fell straight to the floor. I completely blacked out and woke up in my apartment, as in Jane’s apartment.
“Where is Bo?” I demanded.
Red looked at me nervously. “He’s uh downstairs waiting.”
“Waiting for what? What the hell is going on Red? Are mom and Dad ok?” I started crying. I knew whatever it was it couldn’t be good if they were both here.
“Just calm down Iz.” Jer put his arms around me. I immediately felt calm, but I didn’t want to.
“Get the fuck off me Jer.”
“Ok, ok I get it.” He backed up slowly and put his hands down.
I looked over and Red was crying. “Ok someone needs to tell me what the hell is going on NOW!”
Jer stood up and walked closer to me. “Um, I didn’t know where else to take him. I mean he came to me for advice, and my advice was to come to you.” He paused and looked over at Red.
“Jess is pregnant.” My little brother started crying out loud now.
I didn’t know what to do so I looked at Jer and walked over to put my arms around my brother.
“I need you to come home with me to tell mom and dad.”
“Oh no you don’t, I wasn’t the one to have sex with her.” I felt his arms squeeze around me, and I couldn’t remember the last time we had actually hugged each other.
“I know, I just didn’t know what to do. I went to Jer’s and he put me in the car and drove me here.”
I glanced over at Jer and mouthed thank you, I then realized how incredibly sexy he looked. He had a punisher t-shirt on and his arms were covered in tattoos, many more than the last time that I saw him. His blue eyes were piercing and his dark hair was much shorter than the last time I saw him. I felt chills down my spine, and closed my eyes to block everything out.
“Ok Red, just calm down. Listen to me, everything will work out. I promise you, and we are going to love this baby so much. You have to be the one to tell mom and dad, I will go with you, but only as support.”
“That’s it? You aren’t going to lecture me about getting my life together?”
“Oh trust me we have a long drive ahead for that.”
He hugged me again.
“I need to go to my apartment and pack.”
“So you really live with him?” Jer asked and probably didn’t mean to say it out loud.
“Yes. I do, I am in love with him.” I could see Jer flinch as I shot my eyes in his direction.
Right on queue Bo walked in. “Hey Baby, everything ok?”
“Yeah, but I am going to need to go home for a few days. Jess is pregnant.”
Bo’s face fell. I couldn’t tell if he was feeling sorry for Red or if he was afraid for me to go back home with Jer.
Bo leaned into Red “You were right to come to your sister, she is amazing.” I noticed that Jer snuck out when Bo came in. I almost wanted to pay for us to all fly back home to avoid the awkward conversations on the way back.
In the cab on the way home Bo was rubbing my hand and his leg was shaking. “Bo you don’t have to worry, I’ll be back in a few days.”
“You never told me what happened between you two.” Bo was right; ever since we got home I avoided it at all costs. I told him we had a disagreement, and we had outgrown each other. I felt a pang of guilt, realizing that for the past six months Bo probably thought that he was the reason I had cut Jer off. He probably thought I chose him over Jer. If things had gone differently that night, it may have been the opposite.
“We just didn’t see things the same anymore.” I felt my whole body tighten up.
“Should I be worried about you driving home with him? Do you need me to go with you?”
“No, I’m fine. I need to be there for Red. I’ll be back in a few days I promise.”
“Ok, I’ll help you pack. Hopefully I can keep the apartment halfway decent while you're gone.”
“You better, because if I come home to an apartment filled with empty beer cans, xbox, and six other grown men acting like children you’ll be in trouble.” I laughed.
Once a month Bo still had guys night, but instead of going out they started staying in, I would make snacks and they would play video games all night long. It made me appreciate not dating any boys in a fraternity. But, it also made me appreciate the ability men have to just let everything go.
I feel like when Jane and I get together for girl's night, we still vent about everything that has bothered us in the last week. It’s hard for us to just put everything out of our minds the way that men seem to do. For that, I am envious.
I stared out of the cab’s window into the night. I hadn’t even realized where Jane and Todd ended up.
“Where…” I didn’t get the sentence out before Bo finished it.
“They’re at our place. She is packing your things.”
“Did she already know?”
“No but she said Jer called her an hour before we got to the club to find out where we would be. I called her to tell her why they were here, and she headed over to pack your things.”
“She’s the best.” I sighed.
“My appointments!” This was a busy week, and hard to just move appointments around.
“I’ll have them all rescheduled. Please for once let me be there for you. Let me take care of everything for you. Just go and be there for him.”
God he was amazing. I can't even believe how far we have come. I pressed my back into his chest and let myself synchronize our breathing. “I am so lucky.”
“Ah Bells, you know that I am the lucky one.” He pressed his lips to my forehead, and I melted into him.
“We’re here.” I must have dozed off, it worried me that I could sleep so soundly in a strangers car. I really hope that Jane had everything already packed, I wouldn’t even know what to bring right now. I probably would throw a bunch of random items together and just hope it worked out.
I knew that it wouldn’t take Jer long to get here from the other apartment, they were practically right behind us. I felt kind of bad that they didn’t want to stay considering they had just made that long drive.
I am sure that my brother just wanted to get it over with. I was really happy that even though Jer wasn’t a part of my life anymore, that he had stayed a part of Reds. Honestly, Red was probably closer with him than he was with me. I was ok with that; especially because I was never home to be there for him. That’s mostly the reason I felt obligated to go home now, to prove myself that when he did really need me, I would be there.
I walked into the a
partment, and Jane came running for me. Oh shit, she was definitely drunk which made me reconsider my request for her to pack my stuff for me.
“Auntie B!” I was right, and now I was glad that I was leaving. Todd just shrugged his shoulders.
“He Bo, can I get you something to drink? You’re probably going to need it.”
“Sure, get me the strongest I have in the fridge.” The boys sat down on the couch and Jane was pulling me into my room.
“Ok. So I have almost everything packed, I think you just need a bathing suit or two.” She was throwing clothes everywhere, and I was having a small anxiety attack.
“Jane it is 40 degrees outside I don’t need a bathing suit.”
“Jer has a hot tub.” She winked at me and was thrusting her hips. I mouthed stop it. I think she took the hint and she pulled her fingers up to her lips as if she was sealing them shut….if only that truly worked.
I heard the door open and I knew that Jer was here to take me back home. I got knots in my stomach and felt light headed, consumed by my anxiety. Jane came over and whispered, “Is it just me or did he get really hot?”
“I think he got hotter.” I said hating to admit it to myself.
I walked into the living room and saw that Todd had just poured three shots; I walked up without caring, or thinking and downed all of them.
“Seriously?” Todd huffed.
“There’s plenty more bartender. I needed some liquid courage.”
“Point taken. Have a safe trip.” He put out his hand for a high five, I laughed as Jane ran in and intercepted it.
Bo picked up my bag and followed Jer out to the car. As I walked down the steps I saw Bo almost looking angry whispering something into Jer’s ear. Then he walked over to me and gave me a very long, delicious, kiss. I was sure to mark his territory. “Be safe. Call me when you get there. I love you.” He said the last part extra loud.
Jer slammed his door shut. I saw Red asleep in the back seat, so I jumped in the front and sat in silence for the first half an hour on this long journey.
Chapter Twenty-One
“Are you going to say anything this whole trip?” Jer finally broke the ice.
“What do you want me to say Jer?”
“I don’t know, anything I guess.”
I was feeling irritated and also a little buzzed. “Fine Jer, you broke my fucking heart. I loved you, I wanted you to want me to stay, beg me to stay, fight for me. But you didn’t so I gave up, on everything.”
“Loved.” He whispered.
“What?’
“You said you loved me…as in past tense.”
“Yes, that’s right Jer, past tense.”
I saw him peering into the back seat to make sure Red was still asleep. He lowered his voice again.
“I am so sorry Iz.” I turned to face the window and drifted fast asleep.
I woke up about thirty minutes prior to the North Carolina line, but I decided to pretend to sleep, to be nosy of course. I hear Red talking to Jer about how excited he really was to be a father. How he would give up all his hopes and dreams to make his child’s come true. I felt so proud of my brother for being strong enough to make that decision, and also sad that he had to.
I was so happy that he would get to experience a family of his own, but my heart broke knowing that he was right, there were so many dreams of his that would never come true. I also felt Jessica’s pain. I knew that she would also be giving up so much. I knew that my parents would help him, but I also knew that the rest of his life would be incredibly hard.
I thought about Red’s dreams of going into the military, and how that probably would never happen. I remembered driving him to Camp Lejeune right after I got my license so that he could see the Osprey’s flying. I also remember Jer having the same dream; yet look at where he is now. So I guess baby or not, some dreams take a back burner to life.
I felt so fortunate that I was able to make mine come true, but there were aspects of my life that I would trade in a heartbeat for the career. I looked at Jer, and wished that he would have known I would have given everything up for him.
“Hey Iz, you’re up.” He nudged my shoulder.
“We are getting ready to stop for some grub, you came?” Red was practically in the front seat.
“I’m always game for fast food, even if my body isn’t. Put the poison in my veins” Red let out a boisterous laugh.
After fighting for an hour over where we would go to eat, we ended up at a small diner. I didn’t say much, but I watched, and took in everything. I smiled because I wanted to pretend that everything was fine between Jer and I.
I wanted to go back to the laughing, and bickering that all existed in the years before I let our friendship dwindle away. When Red got up to go to the bathroom, Jer slid into the seat beside me.
“Are you going to tell me who she is?” I could feel his breath on my shoulder.
“Who?” I had no idea where this conversation was coming from.
“The little girl, the one in your pictures. Who is she?”
I felt a pang of guilt for leaving the city, knowing that Ella would be staying the weekend.
“She is Bo’s daughter.” I saw his face drop. I thought that he would have put the clues together by the picture, unless he saw only the one where I was holding her hand. Bo had taken that picture, and without any editing whatsoever it became the background on my laptop.
“You’ve always wanted a little girl.” He said it as if Bo had handed me the world. I had never verbalized my want or desire to have children. I had always been so consumed with my career that I just didn’t have time for it. But I knew that Jer would catch me staring at a family, even amidst my busiest days on the job when he would come visit me. It was probably a dead give away when I would email him all the photos I had edited of families and put in the subject line Best shoot ever.
I inhaled a deep breath and told him about Lauren withholding Ella from Bo for twelve years. I think saying it out loud made me feel so happy that Jess decided to involve my brother, and give him the choice to make. I know that deep down Lauren was probably afraid of rejection, so she shielded herself from it. I couldn’t blame her for that part, but I could never fully forgive her for stealing that choice away from Bo.
I knew the second that Bo looked into Ella’s eyes that a new pain had formed, and although it was buried by the happiness Ella fulfilled, it would always be there. I looked over at Jer, and I could tell that he saw the pain in my eyes and she wasn’t even my child.
“Thank you.” He said standing, to allow Red to sit back down. I knew that he was thanking me for letting him in a little bit. I’m sure at this point he would take anything. I know this because as badly as it hurt cutting him off, I’d always wanted him to fight for our friendship, just a little longer, and a little harder.
Jer paid the bill and we hopped back into the car for the rest of the drive. We actually ended up singing our hearts out to 90’s on 9 radio. That made the time fly, before I knew it we were right outside of our hometown. I could tell because Red stopped singing, and I saw his forehead beaded with sweat from the rearview mirror.
“Red, has there ever been a time that you thought they wouldn’t love you?”
“What do you mean?” His voice was even shaky.
“ I mean have you ever thought that Mom and Dad would give up on you? Like when they caught you smoking pot, or when you wrecked your first car or when you got suspended for fighting at school?”
“No.” he grabbed my shoulder.
“See this is why I made Jer come get you.”
“I thought it was Jer’s idea.”
“It was, but I’m going to take credit for it because it was so great.”
We all laughed and I hoped that was enough to loosen him up before he told our parents. I told him that I would be in the room, but I wasn’t going to say a word. I felt like it was his battle, and Lord knows although I convinced him otherwise, I was so glad to not be in h
is position right now.
I was also surprised that Jer hadn’t stepped in and said anything. I know that he had heavy opinions on this matter, considering he was born when his parents were just eighteen. They had to make the same decisions that Red was faced with and I was sure glad they made the right one.
“Well we are five minutes out. I am going to drop you guys off around the corner, don’t want to be caught as the accomplice.” He laughed.
“You will drop us off right out front, and you will be our getaway car.” I nudged him in the side.
He smiled at me, and I knew that he was thinking we were back on the right path. I didn’t want to crush him and let him know that I wasn’t even sure how to get back there.
As we pulled up to the house I saw my nosy mother peaking out the window, and throwing her hand over her face running towards the car. Maybe I was just the distraction Red was hoping for, and suddenly I felt like a pawn in this game.
Before I could get unbuckled my mother was trying to pry me out of the car.
“What's wrong, what happened, why are you here? Are you pregnant?” Well I promised him I wouldn’t say anything, but I thought what the hell let's see where it goes.
“I’m not but Red has something to tell you.” I pointed to him.
He threw his hand up over his face to shield himself, probably with good reason.
“Jess is pregnant.” My mother without even thinking reached into the back of the car and grabbed him by the ear.
I backed up and heard mumbles of his full name, followed by tears, some smacking and then finally a hug. I sat on the porch watching this amazing woman love her child that probably told her the hardest thing he would ever say. I wanted to be a mother like that one day. I felt an arm slip around my shoulder, and before I could shove him off I looked over to see my father.
“Did he finally tell her that Jess is pregnant?” I stared at him with my mouth completely open.
“You knew! I drove 13 hours to be here for support and you knew!”