by J. Desails
“No Melissa knew everything, she knew that I was using her to push you away because I was afraid you would hate me for not telling you. She knew that up until the day I left she was just a distraction.”
“Did everyone know except me?”
I could tell he didn’t want to answer this question. So he avoided it all together.
“I thought you would be happy for me, you always told me I should live my life with no regrets! So I finally grew enough balls to do it, and you’re acting like this!”
“Do not, do not put this on me. This was all you, and I am not mad at your decision to do something you love, I am mad the decision you made every single day to wake up and not tell me.”
I got up and snatched the keys out of his hands. I just needed to be alone. I jumped into his truck and headed for the pier.
It felt like it took me hours to get there, and I was surprised that I hadn’t cried at all. I wanted to so bad, but I wasn’t sure why. Should I cry because he really did love me, he wasn’t ever really going to marry Melissa? Or should I cry because my best friend kept such a huge secret from me for so long.
I shoved the car in park and ran into the sand, like if my feet didn’t hit it in ten seconds it would disappear. I sat on the beach for what felt like hours. I left my phone in the car, and never wore a watch so I really had no clue how long it had been.
I closed my eyes and just listened to the waves, the sound of silence that I never could get enough of.
“Hey.” He came up and sat behind me, with his legs on each side.
“I’m sorry. I could sit here and give you all of the excuses I’ve made to not tell you, but that’s all they are…….. excuses.”
He still hadn’t seen my face, and I was sure that he thought I had been crying since I left the bar. I almost wanted to show him, he would be so proud.
“Do you love me?” I said it in a whisper.
“More than life itself. The thing is if I hadn’t ruined things with us before you left, you would be dealing of a whole other grief when you found out that I was leaving.”
“That’s an excuse Jer.”
“I know, and you don’t deserve any more of them. So here goes…..” He leaned into my neck and started whispering in my ear, his voice was deep and raspy and I had chills all over my body.
“I have wanted you my entire life. I have loved you for my entire life. I can’t even stand that I hurt you, and I don’t know what my game plan was. I honestly didn’t know if I would ever tell you, and don’t be mad at your family I swore them to secrecy. I assured them it would crush you, so they would stay quiet.”
“Did Jane know?”
“Hell no, I knew she couldn’t keep that a secret.”
“So what now?”
“That’s your call to make. I am getting stationed in Virginia, I have to leave next week.”
“I….I don’t know if I can.” We both knew the unspoken question that I was answering.
“I know, I’m not asking you to. I am just telling you that no matter where I am in the world, or what I am doing it will always be you.”
I finally turned to face him and pressed him into the sand. I threw my shirt off and pulled his over his head. Jer didn’t say another word for the rest of the night, because I didn’t give him an opportunity to open it. That night I had the best sex of my life, on the beach, with my best friend. I woke up in his bed, and looked over to see him soundly sleeping next to me. I felt a little guilty for making him miss his own welcome home party. He looked so peaceful so I decided to let him sleep.
I threw on one of his oversized t-shirts, which still smelled like him. I made some tea and went to sit on his porch. I saw the steam coming up from the water, much like the steam coming from my drink. I had no idea what this day was going to bring. I had no idea what I wanted. That isn’t completely true, I knew I wanted Jer I just didn’t know if I could handle everything that came with him now.
I needed to go home, I needed to think. And with that, I booked the first flight back to New York.
Chapter Twenty-Four
As I sat on the plane I thought, maybe running again wasn’t the best idea. I figured by now Jer was probably reading the letter that I wrote him, and I wanted so badly to be there to comfort him.
Hey you,
I can’t even begin to say how sorry I am that I am even writing this letter, because it means I have already left. This weekend has been amazing with you. For the first time in my life I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be, until I found out about where you had really been.
I wish that we could have worked it out, and I wish that I was strong enough to fight for you, but after the past six months my strength has been depleted. I can’t even tell you that I am mad, because I’m not. I am so proud of the choices you made, and I started wondering if I were in your position could I have done the same? I wish you the best in life. This isn’t goodbye.
See you when I see you,
Iz
p.s. I always knew clark kent was under there……
Before I decided I had made the wrong decision, I plugged in my earphones and fell fast asleep until I landed in the city.
“Bells! God I missed you.” Bo lifted me off of my feet and I felt a pang of guilt right in the pit of my stomach. I still hadn’t decided if I would tell him what happened between Jer and I. When he looked at me I felt as if the tables had turned, and I was running to him instead of Jer for help.
“I missed you too! What’s on the agenda for today?” I needed something to get my mind off of everything.
“Well, first of all you have a lunch date with Jane. I’m so glad she will be back to pestering you.”
“Is Todd still here?”
“Yes, and neither of them have left the apartment since you left.”
I thought that was a little weird, trouble in paradise maybe? Typically Jane couldn’t wait to get back to her apartment to do God knows what to him. Well I may have to spill my guts about this weekend after all, but knowing her I am sure I would have plenty of time before I even got a chance to open my mouth.
“Before you go in I have a surprise for you.”
“Ok, well where is it?”
“She….is right here.”
Ella ran out and threw her arms around me. I thought for sure she had already gone back to Connecticut.
“What are you doing here Ella Bella?” I smiled down at her, thrilled that I got to spend some time with her.
“Mom is letting me stay for the whole week! Can you take me shopping?”
“Of course, I can't wait this is the best surprise ever!”
Bo looked over at us, and it felt right. I was sad that I would even have to leave her for a few hours to have lunch with Jane.
I walked into the apartment and saw Todd on the couch playing video games, and Jane in my kitchen cooking. This was bad. Jane never cooks, and I was pretty sure she didn’t even know how.
“The place isn’t on fire, so I guess that’s a good thing.” I wrapped my arms around her, as she turned around I saw her eyes glassy.
“What’s wrong?” she mouthed to me to be quiet and put her finger over her lips.
Ok, Ok. I never see Jane like this, so without even thinking I grabbed her arm, and announced that we had to go, and directed Bo to finish whatever she was cooking.
We got two blocks away when I broke the silence “What is wrong?”
“I just I just don’t know anymore.” Ok, she was having a breakdown.
“Start from the beginning.”
We made it into a small café and she unloaded everything on me. I felt like a horrible friend because for the past year, it has always been about me. Probably because I just thought she always had it under control.
So apparently I was right about her and Todd, neither had been faithful to each other. She told me when they started hooking up it was nothing more than just some company and good sex. But then Jane, fell. Hard. She told me the last time she
went to visit him something just clicked and she wanted to be with him, like really be with him. She even said she would move to the country with him.
“Have you told him any of this?”
“No, and I just can't. I want him to say it to me first.”
“Trust me Jane, with Todd you may be waiting a very long time for that.”
“I know. I know. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
“I think we need a vacation.”
“Stop it, don’t play with me.”
“I’m serious Jane. Clear your schedule next week; I’ll book us a flight to the keys. Just me and you.”
I was glad that she went for it, because I didn’t know what advice to give her right now. I didn’t want Todd to break her heart and I wasn’t ready for her to move away from me either. I know the last part is selfish, but I can’t even help it.
I couldn’t even remember the last time I had gone on vacation. I know Bo would be a little disappointed, but I know he would also understand that I needed it. I looked at my phone for the hundredth time today and still no call or messages from Jer.
I tried to hide my disappointment but I know it was written all over my face.
“He will come for you. I promise.” I hadn’t even told her about me sleeping with him. I couldn’t even think about being with Bo after that, it wouldn’t even compare. I was glad that Ella was staying with us for the whole week; he wouldn’t try anything with her in the house.
“You don’t need to tell me now, but next week when we are sitting on the beach in the middle of December you will tell me everything.” I nodded my head, in agreement.
I spent the next week catering to Ella’s every need. I would text Lauren pictures of her occasionally so she knew that everything was copacetic. We went shopping, and I took her to get a mini make over.
I couldn’t believe how much I loved this little girl, she made me feel young again, and having her around made it harder for me to want to leave Bo. I didn’t want to give her up, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to give up my dreams of living in the city with the bachelor of the year, and this perfect little girl.
Bo gave us plenty of time to spend together, since he also had to run to the office more frequently than either of us liked. Ella even came to a few of my shoots and told me she wanted to be a photographer when she grew up.
The last night before she left we were all sitting in our tent made out of blankets and sheets. We had just finished cleaning up all the popcorn from our mini food fight. I laughed so hard that I almost peed my pants, and I felt like Bo had given me the necklace that Julia Roberts got from Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.
This moment was a dream come true, and a dream that I never even wanted. It was just too perfect, and as soon as Ella drifted off to sleep I knew Bo was going to make me decide, even if he didn’t know that I had a decision to make.
I heard him calling me from the bedroom.
“In the kitchen, I’ll be there in a minute.” I finished everything up and went to be sure that Ella was sound asleep in our tent. I switched the tv off and headed for the bedroom.
I walked in and he had his reading glasses on and was reading the paper. He had no shirt and I could see his abs from across the room. He caught me staring and patted on the bed to call me over.
“Hey pretty girl, get over here.”
I climbed into the bed and threw my shirt off, leaving only the cami and my underwear on.
I let out a big yawn and felt his hand slip into my underwear with my exhale. Before I could stop him, I felt them gently go inside of me. I wanted to want him so bad. I wanted my life to be easy, to just stay here and never have to move all over the world or say goodbye to Jer when it came time for him to deploy.
I wanted to wake up in the city every morning, go for my run and come home to this gorgeous man and not have to worry about anything. The only problem with all of that was my heart wanted nothing to do with Bo. In fact it ached tremendously for Jer. And although I had given Jer no promise, Bo’s hands being on me felt like a sin.
“Not tonight Bo.” I gently pulled his hand out and rolled over. I knew that this would be the start of the end with him. It doesn’t mean that it will be the start of the beginning with Jer but I know I can’t live this life with Bo, as much as my mind wanted it, my heart wouldn’t budge.
I felt the silent tears on my pillow, so I turned the light off and drifted fast to sleep.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Our boarding time was way too early. At a mere 6 a.m. a time, which I had never even seen Jane awake for, was the earliest I had been up in a long time. I smiled when I saw her face light up as she ran towards me. Of course, she barely made the plane.
“Jane, so glad you could make it.” I gave her an annoyed look. Even though I could hardly be upset with her at this point in time. I know how she felt with Todd, because I am sure it was very similar to the way I felt when I thought Jer wanted nothing to do with me. I looked down to turn my phone off, and felt a little bit of pain in my stomach noting there have been no calls or messages from Jer since I left that note for him.
“I seriously cannot wait to get to the beach.” Jane sat down in the seat next to me and immediately covered her eyes with a fancy eyeshade.
“See you in a few hours bitch.” I loved everything about Jane, even the parts that tend to drive me crazy, like her ability to fall asleep on a dime. And I was now left alone with my thoughts about Jer for the next six hours.
“Ahhhhh.” Jane stretched out her arms, and stared out the window into the clear waters below. As much as I wanted a vacation away from everything, I had the distinct feeling that this would be more of a therapy session with Jane than anything.
I didn’t want to talk about him, or Bo. I didn’t want to admit that I loved him, or that maybe I didn’t love him enough. I also didn’t want to admit to Jane that Jer didn’t come after me. I feel like that sounded so selfish, not to mention childish. But I had this vision in my head of him coming for me, all knight and shining armor like. I guess sometimes when we create the image in our heads, it makes it nearly impossible for it to happen that way and we are almost always let down.
After spending an hour getting our entire luggage, we finally made it to the condo. I took a deep breath in and tried my best to exhale all the tension that had been building up inside me.
Jane had already changed, and she came up behind me as I took in the view.
“I could live here.” I let out quietly.
“Yeah right, you’ll be begging me to take you back to the city in four days, I on the other hand could live here.”
She was right. I loved the serenity, but too much of it drives me over the edge. I love to stay busy because it gives me an excuse to take my mind off of the important things.
I turned around and Jane had disappeared. As I called for her name I could hear her in the bathroom, getting sick. I knocked on the door and then quickly opened it.
“Are you ok?” She looked pitiful.
“Yeah, this always happens to me when I go on vacation, I guess it's just the excitement.” She wiped her mouth and brushed her teeth and glanced over at me
“What? I am fine. Go to the beach I’ll meet you there.”
I wasn’t going to argue anymore with her. I grabbed my phone and saw two missed calls from Bo, as well as one voicemail. I pressed the play button
“Hey pretty lady. I miss you already. I just dropped Ella off to Lauren. Counting down the moments until you return to me.” I saved the message, and turned off the phone. I knew that the one person I wanted to call me wouldn’t, and I couldn’t take any more disappointment this trip.
I found myself falling fast asleep in the hammock when Jane jumped in it with me.
“I’m so glad we are here.” She threw her arm around me.
“So are you going to tell me about everything that happened with Jer or am I going to have to guess?”
I figured I might as well get it over wit
h. I told her every detail, including our matching tattoos.
“Wow B, that’s some heavy shit. I mean do you really think he is the one?” I looked down at my empty ring finger.
“He is the only one who could ever possibly complete me. Bo has gotten me by, and I have had so many wonderful memories with him, but the moment Jer first kissed me, it was like everything before him was a lie. I just knew.”
“You mean you just know right? I mean you’ve told me that you want him to fight for you, but let me ask you something. Have you ever considered fighting for him?” It wasn’t until those words came out of her mouth that I realized how ridiculous I had been.
“You are right. Well, we have the next few days to think of an unbelievable plan, to make him forgive me for being such an ass.”
“I don’t think it will take much B. In fact I don’t even think you should think about it, just go with it.”
“Well since you have solved all of my problems in the matter of five minutes, let's try to tackle yours.” I saw her tears immediately start to fall from her eyes.
“Jane? What haven’t you told me?” I was ready to kick Todd’s ass, I could feel my teeth clench, and my fists in balls.
“I’m pregnant.” I felt like I couldn’t breathe, of all the shocking news I had received recently this was by far the most surprising.
I’ve known Jane for such a long time, and I know she has never once spoken of having children of her own. I wasn’t sure what I should say, so I said the most neutral thing I could think of.
“Whatever you need, I’ll do it for you.” I kissed her on the head and she started to cry, and we were both speechless.
“How long have you known?” She pulled away from me.
“I just took the test when we got here, but I have been in denial for about a week.”
“Is that why you were really upset when I came home?” It was all making sense; Jane never acted like that about a guy.
“No, I am worried, I am worried he is going to leave me. I’m going to have to raise this baby all by myself, and I am going to be miserable.”