by J. Desails
“First of all, you raising this baby all by yourself will never happen. I can promise you that. Second of all Todd will be fine with it, I am sure.”
“You don’t understand, he doesn’t look at me the same way he did when we were out in the boondocks, I mean I feel like I was just something to pass the time while we were down there together.”
“Jane, can you promise me something?” She nodded her head slowly.
“Please don’t overthink this until we get home. You are already at level ten, and placing that scarlet letter on your chest. Just listen to your own advice and just see where it goes.” She nodded again, but I knew two things to be true, one she didn’t believe me, and two my problems don’t even touch hers.
The rest of our vacation was completely uneventful. We ignored the fact that Jane was carrying Todd’s child. And also ignored the fact that I had no idea how to make Jer mine again, but there was no way around it, he was the one for me.
Chapter Twenty-Six
It was hard to believe that our vacation had gone by so quickly. I looked over at the again sleeping Jane on the plane. My heart warmed knowing that no matter what was in store for her, she was going to be an amazing mother. I thought of how much I loved Ella, and how no matter what we think we aren’t capable of before children, it just becomes us when they enter our lives.
I was completely out of touch with Bo for the week, because I had no idea what to say to him. A part of me wanted to break it off over the phone, but that was something I would have done ten years ago, and I realized I was better than that and so was he.
I knew that I wasn’t ruining a dream for either of us. Although Bo and I could probably go on forever the way we were, it would merely be for the comfort. I didn’t want a mediocre love, and unfortunately if Bo and I stayed together, that was all it would ever be.
We finally landed and Todd would be picking us up from the airport. Jane’s anxiety peaked a new level. We decided on the last day of vacation that she was going to wait until after her first doctor’s appointment to tell Todd. She still didn’t believe the ten other tests that we had purchased on vacation. I assured her that it was normal to be in denial, and that if she needed to wait to tell him that was fine. I think more or less she wanted to see how he was with her without knowing about the pregnancy first.
As we got off the plane, my eyes searched for Todd but instead they rested on Bo. I saw him mouth to me “Hey pretty lady.” He was a breath of fresh air, surprisingly. My mind forgot of the spell he could put on me with his looks alone. He came up to me and wrapped his arms around and lifted me off the ground.
“I’ve missed you.” I don’t know why those were the first words to leave my mouth, but it just felt natural. I closed my eyes and wished it was Jer, but then it hit me. Maybe that’s all I’ll ever be doing is wishing. It’s an unrealistic scenario, he and I. After just talking myself into fighting for him, the other part of me, the part embraced by Bo talked myself right out of it.
The choice of Jer was illogical, and hasty. Who knew if it wasn’t just lust, or the desire to have him because I couldn’t stand the thought of him being with anyone else? I was being selfish, and if he hadn’t come after me, maybe he realized that long before I did.
“Baby, I’ve got us dinner reservations, you must be starving?” I nodded in agreement, and I turned to find Jane.
I saw Todd with his arms placed around her. Gently pressing his lips to her forehead, I saw her start to tear up. She looked over at me and I mouthed get it together. She smiled and broke away to just stare at him. I wasn’t sure if it was my imagination, because I wasn’t even sure it was possible for either of them, but I think they were falling in love.
I know it would take a lot to convince Jane of this little fact, which I knew to be true by the way, that Todd looked at her, but eventually she would figure it out for herself.
I walked out front and saw the limo, and my heart started beating a little faster. I looked down at myself, and then looked up at Bo.
“I’m going to need a shower, and definitely some decent clothes.” He smiled “Of course baby, I have everything ready for you at our place.”
The way he said our place made it sound like he had just won a prize. We got in the limo, and he started slowly kissing me immediately, as much as I wanted to fight it, I didn’t. It had been exactly 14 days 4 hours and 32 minutes since I had seen or heard from Jer. So in that moment I allowed myself to let go of that fantasy I had been holding onto.
As we pulled up to the apartment I ran inside to get a quick shower and ready as fast as possible. Bo told me he had some business calls to make so he would just wait in the car, and although he mentioned not to rush, I couldn’t help but feel the pressure to be as fast as possible.
I looked over at the clock when I was finished, and did a little clap for myself when I realized I had set a new record for getting ready. Bo had laid out a brand new dress, along with shoes, and accessories for me to wear and they were all gorgeous, meaning that his assistant had put in some extra time over the weekend.
This wasn’t the first time Bo had done this for me, and he wasn’t aware that I figured out one of his assistants put in “extra hours” to accomplish this. Last year at his Christmas party she let it slip, and I couldn’t be more pleased with her sense in style. So I have continued to keep my lips sealed, and every time I get another surprise like this I squeal in delight, and quietly of course.
After I pulled the silk black dress over my curves, I glanced in the mirror at the back of the dress, which dipped down in an extremely low V. I smiled and threw on some flip flops, and threw the six inch heels in my purse, I didn’t want to over do myself before I even got to dinner.
As I got in the limo Bo looked over at me, and I thought I saw his mouth drop just a little.
“I have to call you back.” He slammed the phone shut. This was not normal Bo behavior but I liked it.
Without saying a word, he grabbed my hand and pulled me on top of him. He placed his strong hand on my jaw and pulled me in for a kiss. There was something different in Bo’s kiss, maybe longing? I mean it had only been a week apart and we have surely done it before, but it was just different.
“I’m sorry.” He looked at my eyes when he said it, and I was sure that the look on my face was something along the lines of confused.
“Bells, I have never realized how much I have loved you until I thought you weren’t mine anymore.” He took a deep breath in and I knew that there was more coming, but I was confused at how he knew that my heart wasn’t all the way his. I hadn’t told him anything about my trip back home with Jer, maybe he was assuming with my actions?
“I’ve never realized the way you light up in response to me putting my arms around you. The way I feel when I have you in my presence. I’ve always been so afraid to fall in love with you, and afraid to let you all the way in. I knew for a long time that I loved you, but I wasn’t sure in which way. That is until I saw you with my daughter.” I smiled, thinking of Ella.
“And then I realized, I am in love with you. Madly, passionately, want to have babies with you in love with you.” I felt my stomach squeeze.
“I’ve waited far too long, and I am sorry for that. But I’ve come to realize, I cannot live without you.”
He slid me off of him and in the limo got down on one knee.
“Would you make me the luckiest man, and become my wife, the mother of my children, and my forever?”
I looked at him and then down at the ring, which was an amazing 3-karat princess cut. I didn’t know what to do; I felt the adrenaline in my body start to build up. My fight or flight kicked in and I realized I couldn’t go anywhere, I felt trapped. And then I said, “Yes.” And it was like I was freed.
I didn’t have time to process what I was thinking, or feeling. I didn’t have time to think about Jer, and how this would crush him, or maybe this would also set him free.
I wasn’t concerned if it were mediocre bec
ause maybe everything for Jer was just magnified in the moment, maybe it would dissolve over time. I couldn’t stop living my life for him, especially when he didn’t come for me.
So right now, I was deciding to let myself be happy with Bo. Let myself have the happily ever after, that I often didn’t think I even deserved.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Five months later…..
“This is no fun!” Jane was whining in the waiting area, as I tried on the fourth dress of the morning. None of them seemed to be perfect, and I just wanted perfect.
I peeked out behind the drapes, and saw her with her feet on the couch, playing on her phone like she was five years old. I glanced at her little growing bump, and saw her place her hand over top of it.
“Alright I am coming out, but this is the last one of the day, and I assure you it is not the one!” I came out and did a spin; Jane stuck her tongue out in agreement. We both started laughing, and I walked over to the couch and sat beside her with the oversized dress.
“What am I doing Jane?” I looked defeated, I could tell by her reaction.
“Don’t start with me B! I am huge, and miserable right now, my feet are starting to swell and I am constantly tired. You on the other hand are engaged to the hottest bachelor, who will do whatever it takes to make you happy. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!”
Jane had been helping me plan the wedding since the night I had accepted Bo’s proposal. I promised that we would have plenty of time since we planned on waiting for the arrival of my God daughter. That was the first question out of Jane’s mouth when she found out about the engagement, which was the day after it happened. I knew she probably wouldn’t even come to the wedding if she was pregnant, which gave me the perfect excuse to draw out our engagement.
Since that night, everything with Bo remained somewhat magical. It was almost as if I was engaged to a figment of my imagination. He catered to my beck and call, and gave me compliments every day when he came home from work.
He made dinner most nights, rubbed my feet, and then we had sex, every single night, religiously. Of course the night of our proposal I came home and told Bo everything that happened between Jer and I. I told him I didn’t want to base our engagement on any false pretenses. I was actually surprised that he didn’t get mad. I almost expected him to take the ring off my finger and call it.
Instead he looked sad, but then shot a smile at me and pulled me in for a hug. I cried for what seemed like forever, and for many reasons. I was happy that Bo wanted to be with me for the rest of his life, and the other part of me, which always seemed to be the bigger part, was sad that Jer didn’t. In fact the biggest part of me was sad that I still hadn’t even heard from him, and I felt like I had betrayed him.
Jane has talked me out of this guilt on the regular, but it always resurfaces. Now it has been almost a half of a year, and I have no idea what Jer is doing, or where he is for that matter. Not a letter, postcard, text. Nothing.
On the surface I know I appear to be happy, to be grateful, and completely in love with Bo, but below is still that longing pain for Jer. I always thought he would be my knight in shining armor, my Richard Gere that rode in the white limo to save the day.
I also found myself replaying that night with Jer and I in bed; maybe I thought it was more magical than it actually was. Maybe I embellished this picture of how I thought it should be and just made it happen. But at the end of the day, I cannot convince myself that it was a dream, or illusion. It was real, and he had my whole heart for my whole life, and what he decided to do with it, was hand it over to Bo.
I was often angry with myself for blaming him, because I was the one who left him. I was selfish, but I thought maybe Jer woke up relieved I was gone. Maybe he actually thought we would be better apart than we could be together. Or possibly, he could be exactly the gentleman I thought he was and gave me up so I could live a somewhat normal life. I knew that he wanted to be Special Forces, and I was sure without actually knowing that was the path he was on. My heart probably wouldn’t be able to take it, and I think we both knew it.
I snapped back to reality.
“I know, no complaining, you win you are growing my favorite person in the entire world.” I put my hand on the belly, and felt a little jealous.
“Well what are we doing tonight for dinner?” She was hungry, and therefore getting grumpy.
“Whatever you like princess!” I directed that at her belly as well.
“What I would like, is for Todd to grow the fuck up and put a ring on my finger.” And here we go.
Jane and Todd have been camped out in my old apartment, he has been modeling on the regular for George and never home. He also shows no signs of putting a ring on her finger anytime in the near future. But I give him props for being able to listen to her complains about not getting a ring.
I know that Jane feels huge, and unlovable and so not sexy, but she is gorgeous and glowing. No pregnant woman wants to really hear that they are glowing, so I decided to keep that part to myself.
I understand the pressure she feels because Todd has not committed to her, and try to not be a complete bitch; I also know that some days this is a true struggle for her.
I took off the dress and threw on my over sized t-shirt and ripped jean shorts, threw my hair back up in a bun and had to wake sleeping beauty off of the couch.
“Let's do dinner at our place tonight, I’ll have Bo order something in though.”
“I would love that. Just text Todd and tell him to meet us there.” I grabbed her phone and whispered lazy ass under my breath, sometimes I swear she thinks I am her personal assistant.
I picked up her phone and followed her out of the store. When I unlocked the phone her call log appeared. I felt my lunch coming up when I saw the number that had appeared from two days ago.
“Jane.” I couldn’t even get anything else out, and I literally felt my legs giving out on me. I leaned against the building, numb to all of the sounds of the city. She looked at me as I dropped her phone, and I saw in her eyes that she knew.
“B, it's not what you think. Calm down.” How could she? I would recognize the number anywhere because I had dialed it over a million times in my life. It was Jer’s. I pulled the phone to my view again and she tried to snatch it out of my hands.
“Get the fuck away from me.” I said it lowly, and I grabbed the phone up. I saw that the call lasted 8 minutes and 14 seconds.
“Why? Why would you call him?” she tried to step towards me again and I put my hand up.
“B, I was just. Ugh you won't understand anyway!” She grabbed her phone out of my hands and stormed off. I lowered myself to the ground and sat on the busy seat of New York feeling empty and numb.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
It has been one week since I have seen or heard from Jane. This was the longest we had gone without speaking to one another. My daily routine was all that kept me going; I literally went through the motions every day without deviating.
Bo was unaware of why we got into the argument, and I am pretty sure he knew that it was not up for discussion right now.
The hardest part about the whole situation is that Jane didn’t even tell me what they were talking about, which left my mind wandering. I wondered if he knew that I was getting married, if he had met someone.
This was the conclusion that I came up with at the end of every day because I knew that she wouldn’t want to tell me, because she knew it would break my heart.
Was I being a hypocrite? I needed fresh air, and exercise, so I put on some gangster rap and grabbed my running shoes.
Halfway through my run, my heart ran me straight to Jane’s door. I was sweaty, and gross. As I went to knock on her door I turned around. For some reason I couldn’t go through with it. I hated confrontation and conflict my entire life. Jane knew this, and was probably planning on using it to her advantage. She, quite the opposite of me thrived on it. I was sure that she was waiting on me to come over and do exactly
this.
I wasn’t this time. Whatever was said between she and Jer she had days to mention it to me, and that hurt more than anything.
As I was jogging down the stairs and staring at my feet I ran straight into someone.
Without looking up I said sorry, and moved to the side.
“It’s ok.” I felt my body tense up, and it took all the willpower I had to pull my eyes away from my feet.
He was wearing a baseball hat, loose fitted t-shirt that hugged his arms, and a pair of dark denim jeans. The piercing eyes shot right through me. My body was frozen, as was my mind.
He pulled me into his chest, and as a reflex my arms went around his body. I pulled away to look at him, surely I was just dehydrated and this was a hallucination.
“How are you here?” I said them quietly and more to myself than to him. I couldn’t remember all the anger I had stored up for this moment, the disappointment I felt because he didn’t come after me.
“Because I came to get you.” He whispered into my ear. Just his whisper set my body on fire.
“Let’s go get some fresh air.” I was trying to put everything together. I looked up at Jane’s door and then looked back at him. I was trying to solve the puzzle without having all of the pieces.
He held my hand and practically pulled me out of the building. We held hands and walked five blocks to a small outdoor café. I don’t think until that moment that I had ever truly experienced shock. I had so many things to say but I would open my mouth and none of them would fall out.
We sat down, and I immediately became aware of the fact that I smelled disgusting. I was sure he saw me make the face and he replied to it.
“You smell fine! And you look amazing. Stop.” It was more playful than anything, and so familiar. Like no time had passed at all.
“How?” That was all I could manage to get out.
“Well, that’s kind of a loaded question huh?” He laughed nervously.