by J. Desails
“What’s on your mind Iz?” He interrupted my thoughts, and startled me a bit.
“Nothing, just picturing our lives together. Where do you see us over the next year?”
“I see you, in the kitchen of the home I bought for us in a quiet town. I see me coming home every single night, and never ever taking for granted that you are there waiting for me.”
This boy that I grew up with, is such a wonderful man now. I’m almost proud of who he has become, because whether we give each other credit or not, I think that we helped each other get here; to this very moment, where we are.
I always felt that appreciation is the biggest part of a relationship, and that is something I know I will always feel for Jer.
“What is your work schedule going to be like? Will I ever get to see you?”
“Every second I get, I’ll be home with you.”
“Well since I know you so well, I’ll take that as I won't be seeing much of you.”
“Not for the next year and a half or so. I’ll be doing a lot of training. But you’ll always be here.” He put his hand on his heart. I smacked his hand “Quit being corny!” He smirked at me, and I knew that he was just trying to lighten the mood.
“I am sorry that I am asking you to do this.” He whispered.
“Do you love what you do?”
“Yes.”
“Do you love me?”
“Yes.”
“Then don’t ever be sorry. You can have everything you want, and you should never apologize for it!”
The rest of the morning Jer finished making plans for our lives. Including the wedding that we would be having in our hometown in four months. Jer also agreed that it was fair for us to commute while he is in training. So that meant I would be kicking Jane out of my apartment, and moving back in.
I didn’t say much, because my life again was chaos. I had no idea what I truly wanted. I know that in the moment Jer always feels right. But I have built so much with Bo.
AS he kept going on and on I listened intently to his master plan. I was glad that he wasn’t asking me to leave everything that I had loved. I know that photography is something that I could take anywhere, but I just wasn’t sure I wanted to leave just yet.
We spent the rest of the day walking through the city together. And although sites that had the capability of consuming the hearts of so many tourists surrounded us, Jer and I stared at each other. I saw him in the same way as a virgin New Yorker. With awe, the hope for something amazing to happen, the motivation to work hard to get there, but most of all the passion that ties it all together.
As dinnertime was quickly approaching, I picked up my phone to call Jane and check in on her.
“Jane, what the fuck am I doing?”
“Girl, welcome to the club. Did he propose? I swear if you have been proposed to twice in a year and I haven’t even been once I am going to lose my shit.”
“It will happen Jane, just give him time.”
“Thanks for taking care of him last night by the way, ugh. It’s been exhausting to say the least.”
“No problem lady, plus I owed you anyway. Hey why don’t you guys meet us for dinner in an hour?”
“I would love to! Text me where and see you then.”
I felt Jer behind me before I heard him. “Who was that?”
“Jane and Todd are meeting us for dinner.” I felt his arms pull away from me.
I turned to look at him and I could tell he was uncomfortable.
“What’s wrong babe?”
“I think it's time we had that talk.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Jer pulled me through the city, like he had lived here his whole life. Finally we were back in the hotel room. I had no idea why this matter was so urgent, and why he felt the need to bring me 27 blocks back to our hotel to tell me.
He was pacing across the floor, and running his fingers through his hair.
He always seemed composed, even in the most stressful situations so now I was feeding off of his anxiety. I just noticed the five o'clock shadow on his face, which made him all the more appealing to me. I had to pull my mind away from all of the things I wanted to do to him, to figure out why he brought me here.
“Jer start talking right now. You are freaking me the fuck out!”
“I don’t know how to tell you this. I know you are going to be pissed that I have known, and haven’t done something about it, but I just didn’t know what to do. I mean there’s nothing I could do and I didn’t want her heart to be ripped out.”
“What the hell are you talking about just spit it out already!” I raised my voice, which was now shaking.
“Todd is the one who got Melissa pregnant.” He took a deep breath like the weight had been taken off of his shoulders, and I immediately felt it transfer to mine.
“What do you mean?” I said the words through my teeth, I wasn’t angry with Jer, but I was angry at the situation. Beyond angry, because he was right this would rip her heart out.
“Ok, so when you all came down there, and you know things between Melissa and I kind of dissolved, well she hooked up with Todd.”
“How do you know it’s not yours?” At this point, strangely enough I almost wished that it were Jer’s because if it really were Todd’s this would crush Jane. And I didn’t know if I had the heart to tell her now, while she was carrying the baby.
“Trust me I am positive it’s not mine.”
“Jer, I need more information than that, I mean it was what a few weeks difference if that. It could be yours.”
“Iz, I never slept with her.”
“But I thought…you said she was the one.” I know that my face reflected the confusion I was feeling.
“I was acting like a teenage boy, we both know she wasn’t the one. You have always been the one. And I couldn’t sleep with her, not once I realized that you were all I wanted.”
I was relieved that he hadn’t slept with her, and I was pissed that she slept with Todd. I wanted to get in the car and drive straight home and find her. I knew she rubbed me the wrong way, I just didn’t expect it to be this way.
“You can't.” I almost wondered if what I had just thought I was saying out loud, but I realized that Jer was exceptionally good at reading my mind.
I started to cry. He came over and put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me in.
“I know babe, I feel the same way.” It was probably true that he felt the same way, but Jer was almost like a vampire in the way he could turn his emotions off.
“Now what do we do?”
“Well I confronted Todd when I first got into town. He knows it's his, but now he knows that I know its his.”
“That explains the drinking, and probably why Bo told me you got Melissa pregnant.”
“In all fairness I don’t blame Bo for believing that it was mine, I am sure half of the people at home think its mine.”
“Who is she saying the father is?”
“She is saying that it is someone that she met on a whim, and he isn’t involved.”
“Well duh everyone thinks it's you!” I tugged at my hair in frustration. The only crisis manager I knew was Jane, and surely she couldn’t fix her own crisis.
He nodded and my heart broke for him. I was angrier than ever with Melissa. I looked at my watch and saw that it was time to meet Jane and Todd for dinner.
“Give me a few minutes to get myself together, I’m not going to be able to ignore him, then she will definitely suspect something.”
After taking a few deep breaths, and freshly applying makeup I felt a little better. I had no idea how to act normal around Todd now, because I knew too much.
Part of me wished Jer didn’t tell me. Ignorance is bliss, but at least I had the upper hand in knowing the truth.
I stepped out of the bathroom and Jer pulled me right into him.
“I’ve never felt so right, so at home as I do right now.” He ran his finger down my side and I felt his hand at the he
m of my dress.
Slowly he started inching it up and I felt my panties slowly falling to my ankles. If there were one thing to get my mind off of the whole situation, this would be it.
I pressed my back into the wall as Jer dropped to his knees. I felt his lips on my inner thigh and I wanted to scream. His tongue fluttered just beside me, and then finally I felt him on me.
I let out a sharp exhale and stared down at him. I felt his finger rub my clit as his tongue fluttered on me simultaneously.
I pulled his hair softly, my legs now shaking. He pulled away and smiled up at me, fully aware of what he was doing to me. I was unraveling right in front of him.
“Cancel.” He said in between my legs, and handed me the phone.
“I…I… can't, she needs me.”
“You need this more.” No one has ever been so right about anything.
“ You have to stop while I call her. I won't be able to……” He felt amazing.
“You wont be able to finish your sentence?”
I nodded and he pulled away, keeping his hands on my hips I felt his head lean against my stomach.
She answered on the first ring. “Jane, I’m so sorry I’m not going to be able to make it.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I would normally blame her pregnancy hormones, but I knew this was entirely my fault.
“I’m sorry, I’m just not feeling well.”
“I’m calling your bluff, I know you are just fucking him. Well at least one of us is getting some. You owe me big time bitch, call me tomorrow!”
“I will Jane, we need to talk about something anyway.”
She hung up and I could feel her irritation, but I could also feel Jer back on me and nothing in the world mattered anymore.
After another amazing night with him, I couldn’t help but wonder if I would ever get sick of him. I softly stroked his arm and kissed his bareback. I could feel him start to stir.
“Good morning sweetheart.” He gave me that crooked smile that I knew I couldn’t live without.
“Hey. So today is going to be a busy one for me. I have to see Jane, I have to work and I have to go get some clothes from Bo to last me until the weekend.”
His eyes were closing again; I knew he wouldn’t be fully awake until he had his morning coffee. So I told him to go back to sleep and I would call him later. I doubt if he heard me, so I left a note as well.
I quietly left the room, and entered the chaos of the city. I felt euphoric, like I could conquer the world, which was a great feeling since today that is precisely what I had to do.
I still had no clue how to deal with Jane, so I decided to head to Bo’s first.
As I stood out front I wondered if he had already left for work, rather than knocking I used my key and quietly slipped in the door.
I heard the flipping of papers and I peaked into the kitchen and saw Bo, shirtless with his immaculate abs, the stubble that was barely noticeable across his face, the dark wavy hair with his hand running effortlessly through it.
“You should have knocked.”
“I am sorry Bo, I didn’t expect you to be here. I just need to grab a few things.”
“We have a problem.”
“We don’t have anything anymore Bo, you may have a problem but I am certainly not a part of it.”
“Ella is coming to visit this weekend, she doesn’t know about us being apart, and I honestly think she would be more excited to see you than me. I’ve got tickets to a show, and I promise to be a complete gentleman.”
This was something that I didn’t have an answer for. Although it should be an obvious no, I just couldn’t bring myself to mouth the words. I could feel her disappointment, and picture the look on her face. I couldn’t do that to her.
“Bo, I can’t give you an answer right now. I need to talk to Jer.”
He looked down at the paper, and mumbled something under his breath.
“ Bo, he is not the father of that baby, you and I both know it. He has done nothing to you, in fact he should hate you but he doesn’t.”
“Ah, then he is the better man because I sure do hate him.” I almost felt sorry for Bo, almost.
“Well I’m going to get my things, I’ll text you later about this weekend. Don’t get your hopes up, you better have a backup plan.”
“I always do. By the way, you were always my first choice. Jer may not be the father of that baby, but he certainly didn’t choose you over her. She left him for Todd.”
That thought had never crossed my mind, and I let it bother me. The moment he said it I questioned its validity.
“Bo, I was always his first choice he just didn’t know that he was mine too.”
I lied right to his face. Why does he have the ability to make me question all of my beliefs? He knew he did it too, even though I spat the words right back at him, he knew he hit a nerve. We had spent too much time together for him to not know it.
“I’ll be seeing you Bells.”
I grabbed my bag of necessities and hailed a cab to my old apartment. I decided on the way that unless I had no reasonable doubts whatsoever could I tell Jane about Todd being the father. Not only could it possibly ruin her relationship with him, it could also stress the baby. I was being such a hypocrite considering how devastated I was when I found out that she had withheld information from me, but I had to choose the lesser of the evils, and today that was not telling her.
I finally made it to her door, and let myself in. The apartment was empty except the light from the bathroom, which I assumed, was occupied.
“Biotch, I am here getting ready I need to head to the studio if you want to tag along.”
“I’m good, I’ve got some errands to run today but feel free to call me bitch anytime you like.” His joking manner made me even more disgusted with him.
“Todd clearly that invite was not made for you, in fact I don’t even want you within ten feet of me.”
“Shut up!” He still thought I was kidding around with him.
“When is the due date again?” He replied with Jane’s due date.
I eyed him up and down. “And the other baby, when is that one due?”
He looked as if he had swallowed his own tongue. I could see the fear in his face. I wasn’t sure if he was more upset that he got caught, or that he was going to hurt Jane. I was really pulling for the latter of the two.
“I’m going to tell her. Melissa means nothing to me! And I swear it’s not even my baby.”
“Did you sleep with her?” He nodded. “Did you use a condom?” He was silent and still.
“It could be Jer’s baby!!!” He almost screamed at me.
“Do not raise your voice at me! You know I am so glad we never went any further, you are still a pathetic piece of shit and I can't believe I once held you up on a pedestal. You were it for me when I was sixteen; I thought you had it in you. To think how happy I was for Jane, that maybe you really were a great guy, and I was so excited that you would get to have a family with her. Well, you greedy asshole looks like you got two!”
“I’m not going to hurt her.” He said as a promise to himself.
“You already have Todd, she just doesn’t know it yet.”
“I don’t know what to say to make you forgive me.” I shook my head with sadness and I felt the tears pouring out of my cheek.
“ I will never forgive you, nor is it my place to. You better be glad that Jane has a big heart and loves you, because as much as I know it would kill her, I know that you are the only one that can make her happy.”
I grabbed my stuff to just get ready at the studio. “This conversation between us never happened Todd. You get your shit together, real soon because I can only avoid her a little longer.”
“I got her a ring.” He pulled it out of his pant pocket to show me, and I did approve, and I knew Jane would be satisfied with it as well.
“Don’t do it under false pretenses. Make sure she knows everything, because if you keep building on th
ese lies, you are going to lose everything.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
I left feeling less resolved than I ever had before. As I came down the stairs from my old apartment, I looked across the street to see Jer waiting for me. I am sure that my mascara was running down my face and I could see him steadily walk towards me, with raw emotion on his face.
“I think we need to get away this weekend Iz, you need a break.” He said it as if it was gospel.
“I can't go.” I thought about telling him the truth that I had to fake it with Bo this weekend for Ella’s sake, but I couldn’t. I knew it would hurt him because he didn’t understand my love for that little girl. He would assume that it was just my issues letting go of Bo, and for that reason alone I decided not to tell him.
“But I do need to go to work this weekend and I would really love it if you would come with me.”
“I wish I could, I just have been running so behind lately with editing. I just don’t think it will work this weekend, but soon I promise. I want to go home and see everyone!”
“Well everyone will be highly disappointed when I don’t come into town waving my sword around and bringing the girl home that I saved from the tower.”
“Jer, the city is hardly a tower, and I am hardly a princess. They will understand.”
“You’re right babe. I think they are used to you not coming home anyway.” Even though I knew that he didn’t mean it in a malicious way, I felt the jab right in my stomach. I knew that he saw my face, and he gently placed his hand on my side.
“Iz…..I didn’t, you know….I just….”
“I get it Jer, it's fine. I should have expected that, just didn’t realize how much it would hurt when the words came from you.”