The Idea of You

by J. Desails

  The warmth I had expected from Jer was suddenly on my shoulders, but Jer was too far away for me to feel him, both physically and emotionally.

  I turned and saw Bo hunched over and out of breath, which was completely out of the ordinary since the only time I have seen him sweat was in his workout clothes.

  “Where have you been?” he huffed still catching his breath. “What’s wrong with you, I’ve been here the whole time! And why are you out of breath? Couldn’t afford the cab fare.” I joked, because I was honestly nervous.

  “I’ve….we’ve been trying to call you. And I needed to get to you as fast as I could.” I bent down and looked into his eyes.

  “Jane is in the hospital. I don’t know much, but the baby is coming.”

  I felt sick. My heart started racing and I just stared at Bo unaware of what to do.

  “I’ll hail a cab go get into something decent. Save that sweater to snuggle me in later.” He winked in Jer’s direction. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to get Jer pissed, or invite me to stay with him. Jer went to reach for my hand as I turned to go inside. I was glad that Bo had given me directions because in my flustered state I felt like I couldn’t function without them.

  “Iz let me come with you, I’ll take you to the hospital. We can talk there.”

  “No Jer. JUST GO.” I remembered him telling him that he wouldn’t leave unless I asked him to. I wasn’t sure if he would really go, but my heart felt content if he did.

  I run up the stairs and in a hurried blur got dressed in something halfway presentable, but definitely not an outfit I would document in any capacity. I came out of the room and Bo was nervously looking for my phone, by flipping the seat cushions in every direction.

  “I have it right here.” I held it up to show him. “Oh ok perfect. We should get going I already hailed a cab, is it ok if I go with you.” I knew that Bo had run over fifteen blocks to get to me, and yet here he was still asking permission.

  “Of course, Bo.” I put my hand in his and followed him down the stairs.

  The cab ride seemed like the longest I had ever had.

  “You always do that when you are nervous, rub your ear. It’s going to be ok Bells.” I just nodded, praying that he was right.

  “She’s really early. Do you know what happened?”

  “Todd called me after he tried you and couldn’t reach you. Her water broke. Not sure much else.”

  The rest of the ride was quiet. Bo put his hands on top of my fidgeting ones to try to calm me. My nerves were beyond the point of that, but it still felt nice to have his support. As we approached the hospital my anxiety reached a new level, even for me. I turned to Bo as he reached for my hand to pull me out of the cab.

  “I don’t know if I can go in there. I am so scared.”

  He pulled me into him. I felt his hand behind my head and I could feel his breath on my lips. “You are the strongest woman I know. Jane needs you to be strong for her. I’m not leaving you so you have back up. I’ll never leave you…..”

  I suddenly had a burst of confidence. I pulled myself together and marched into the lobby. I kindly asked them to point me in the direction of Jane, which they did. I took a deep breath in convincing myself that I didn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy every Thursday night for nothing.

  I opened the door to her room, with Bo right behind me.

  She was sitting up in the bed looking as calm as possible. Nothing like the exorcist I predicted.

  “Seriously?” I asked her with a crooked smile. “I know I totally ruined our plans for dinner tomorrow. Lame right?” Her eyes sparkled like the diamond on her finger.

  I grabbed her hand. “When?!” She looked over at Todd asleep in the corner of the room. “Right before my water broke.”

  Just as the story was getting good I was interrupted by Bo handing me a coffee. I nodded to thank him and took a sip. To my surprise when I was expecting the warmth of coffee brush my lips, I was delighted to have the cool taste of alcohol.

  Bo leaned down “don’t make it obvious, I had to sneak that contraband in here. Ah the things I do for you.”

  I took another sip and winked at him, and loved the response of laughter that poured out of his mouth. The nurse walked in with a stern look on her face, and for one second I thought we had been busted. I glanced over to Bo who held his finger up to his lips.

  “Jane, sweetie we are going to prep you for surgery.” The nurse said the words calmly, but by the amount of staff that followed in after she delivered the news I felt overtaken by concern.

  Bo instinctively grabbed my hand as if the nurse was telling me the news directly. I squeezed his hand and let go, I pushed past Todd who was now standing next to Jane, his face paled in comparison to the natural olive skin that normally glowed when he walked into a room.

  Jane looked over at me “It’s ok, go wait with Bo. Todd will be with me, I’ll be fine.” I found myself a little hurt that she didn’t want me with her, yet a little happy that it was Todd who was taking my place.

  I kissed her forehead and then found myself carefully placed under Bo’s broad arms, being escorted to the waiting room.

  “I feel like it's been 10 hours.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

  “Bells, it’s been twenty minutes.” I found the vending machine, and decided to eat my emotions. They came in the form of Reese's, Snickers and chips. I looked at Bo and started laughing.

  “What’s so funny?” He smirked to the side.

  “I was just thinking that my choices of guilty pleasures are a lot like you. “Hmmm how’s that?”

  “Oh you know….a lot of sweet with just a touch of salty.”

  He kissed my forehead, “Sounds about right. Does that make me one of your guilty pleasures?”

  “My favorite one.” I shocked myself with my response. “I like the sound of that, maybe later I will let you indulge.” I felt like right now it was taking everything in me not to leave with him.

  An hour passed, when the nurse came out and told us that Jane had a baby girl. They were both doing well but the baby was in the NICU. I was beyond relieved to hear that they both made it. I was sure how serious the situations could be, but I knew that I had just received a miracle.

  “We will only be able to let one person back to be with her in PACU, Dad is with baby so would one of you like to join Jane?” Bo nudged me out of shock and I followed behind the nurse with tears brimming in my eyes. I looked back at Bo.

  “See ya at home kid.” He had his jacket over his arm, and looked utterly exhausted. I took note to remind myself to thank him later, I am sure he was going to spend the rest of the evening working from home, trying to catch up on the day he missed to be there for me.

  I hated the feeling of being in a hospital, the white walls, the smell, and the lack of heat gave me chills. I rubbed my arms, but couldn’t tell if it was from my anxiety or the actual chill I was feeling.

  I pushed through the doors and saw Jane eating ice chips in bed. She looked as normal as she had went she went into surgery. “You look amazing Jane!!!”

  She gave me a glare, “Why wouldn’t I?” Glad to see that nothing changed. My worry for her was now diminished, and completely transferred to the baby.

  “How is she?” I grabbed her hand. “She’s amazing. God. I just…I can't believe I am a mom.”

  “The best one.” I couldn’t wait to get my hands on that little nugget, but I knew that Jane needed me right now, whether she would ever admit it was another question.

  “Where did Bo go?” I told her everything that happened just before I came to the hospital. Including Jer not breathing a word about Melissa, or his affiliation with her.

  “Do you think he cheated on you Bells?” When she asked that question I shook my head no. But I asked myself if I really believed that. She was beautiful; smart, not to mention her amazing body. I had nothing on her, and I really felt like I didn’t know the whole story about them since the beginning. Maybe I had just been in the dark s
o long that I had no idea what the light even looked like.

  “You probably won't be able to see her until the morning, and they won't let you stay the night.” I knew what she was doing, pushing me right into Bo’s arms. But seeing her with the lines going into her gown, it wouldn’t be fair if I protested.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Have you ever had that feeling where you just weren’t sure where you belong? I felt that with my whole being, completely unsure of almost every aspect in my life except for one. Photography was my outlet, so when I began hailing a cab to my studio instead of Bo’s that was the only thing that made sense to me. It was the only place that I belonged, that accepted me for who I was, and even I wasn’t sure of that answer.

  As I opened the doors I knew exactly what I was going to do. In the dark of my studio I began to undress and set my auto timer on the camera. I wanted to be able to capture myself completely vulnerable. I had done the shoot for some many others and saw how gratifying it was, I wondered if maybe I would feel the same at the end of the session.

  An hour had passed, and within that time I heard my phone ring over ten times. As soon as I heard the sound of the last shutter I walked over to my purse, reached my hand in and turned the phone to silent.

  I began uploading my pictures to the computer, and shocked myself at how beautiful they had turned out. In most of the pictures you could only make out the silhouette of my body. The light behind me shined all around the curves of my body and through the slivers of separation in my hair. I opened Photoshop and was caught off guard by the sound of the door opening. I thought for sure I had locked it.

  I searched in the darkness for some sort of weapon to protect myself, and started to panic knowing that I had none. I could hear my father now I’ve been telling here for years to get her permit, nothing wrong with a pretty girl packing heat. I should have listened to him.

  I looked down at myself completely naked, and another flash of worry crossed my mind. I was basically asking the intruder to rape and kill me. Great.

  I backed into the corner and I heard Bo quietly whisper my name. I forgot that I had given him a key, and I felt my body shake as the adrenaline pumped through my veins. I came out of the corner and jumped on him, so thankful that I wasn’t going to be chopped up into little pieces.

  “Is Jer here?”

  “No, why?” He looked me up and down, and I became aware again that I was completely nude. I started laughing as I searched in the dark for any article of clothing. Bo handed me his blazer and I threw it on barely covering my breasts.

  Bo was scrolling on the computer at my pictures. I almost reached over to stop him, but I knew that at this point in our journey, whatever that may be he would see them eventually anyway.

  “Bells…..wow. These are incredible. How did you do this?” It warmed my heart to hear him say those things, because I knew he wasn’t lying. Bo was always good for an honest opinion on my work.

  “I just kind of let the camera capture me. Everything I feel, everything I want to see in myself.” I knew that was deep for a couple of photographs but I felt it to be the only accurate description.

  He started towards me and pressed his chest against mine. The blazer opened, and I could feel the warmth from his skin press against mine. In almost complete darkness I could see him in a way I never had before.

  Bo rested his forehead against mine. I felt his hand reach under the blazer and caress my lower back. I felt my body begging him to go further, and I thought for a moment that we would forever be stuck in this purgatory. Then it happened.

  In the darkness and without any warning I felt his lips softly press into mine, and granting him permission I allowed my tongue to slowly enter his mouth.

  I didn’t want to talk about it, and I didn’t want to over think what was happening between us. I knew that Bo had a fear that shook him to the core, and that was more so the reason he wasn’t talking. He had been fighting for me for so long, and so hard that he was afraid I would confirm his defeat. It was in the moment where I found us naked on the floor of my studio, about to take the final plunge that I knew I was always his. It took us so long to get to this place, where we were both ready. Both willing to accept each other’s pasts that we could finally make a future.

  I smiled at him staring down at his chiseled face. He had the facial structure of a Greek God, and the body of a Spartan. He was beyond my expectations for any human, and the most beautiful person I had ever laid my eyes on.

  “What are you smiling at princess?” He flipped me onto my back and rubbed my jaw with his thumb and then slowly caressing it over my lips.

  “You. Always you.” As the words came out of my mouth he knew what they meant because the second I said them, I could see the surprise on his face. The joy in his eyes, and then I felt him press inside of me.

  Every ounce of me that thought I was cheating on Jer vanished, in fact I felt bad because it seems I may have gotten it backwards, this whole time I was cheating on Bo.

  As I felt him enter me over and over again I felt complete happiness, content with my world, like nothing could bring me down.

  After what seemed like hours I looked over to a sleeping Bo covered only by the blazer. I let out a small laugh, which was big enough to wake him.

  “Hey there gorgeous.” He wrapped me back up in his arms.

  “So I just have to come out and ask it. Because I need to know, I need to be sure that this is what you want. You know I come with baggage and you know that I’m not perfect. But I swear to God Bells, I feel like I could take care of you. I have never in my entire life pictured myself being so wrapped up in a woman. Literally and metaphorically right now.” His laughter interrupted himself.

  “It’s just. I don’t know. I don’t know how to say it, or what exactly to say to make you understand. I would fight until the end for you. You’re it for me, for my whole life I’ve waited for you, and when you were right in front of me all along I guess I was just waiting for myself to catch up. But I am finally here, and I swear I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Bo. It’s you.” I felt like I couldn’t top what he just said, or match it for that matter. Because no words could ever explain to him the way I fell in love with a man I had been with for so long. I didn’t even know that it was possible, to feel like I had just met him for the first time.

  Bo and I spent the night in the studio, which later included another silhouette shoot of the two of us, which I didn’t tell him about or show him for that matter. But they turned out even more spectacular that I have ever imagined.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Two months had passed, and it was finally Jane’s big day. She made Todd wait until she was back down to a size 4 before she would marry him. At least in front of hundreds of guests. Bo and I were the only two who actually knew that they got married the week she was released from the hospital.

  The dressing room was chaotic and I found my zen in Baby B. She looked so much like Jane, except for the fact that unlike her mother she was still filled with pure innocence. Jane finally had her minions zip her dress, she flew in almost all of her cousins for the wedding, which was fine with me since she was nothing short of a Bridezilla.

  “Gosh Bella, turn that ring around or something you’re blinding me over here! What are you trying to steal my spotlight?”

  I flipped my ring finger at her, insinuating that I was flipping her the bird. The girls ran over and ogled over my ring. Bo had done a fantastic job picking out the second ring that finally landed a forever place on my finger.

  “Is it real?” The youngest cousin said as she looked up at me in disbelief. I shook my head. It wasn’t the size of the ring that I think threw everyone off was the clarity. Bo had searched hard and long for a flawless ring and even used that in his proposal speech.

  “Bells, tell them about the proposal! Ugh it's my favorite and it will get them out of my hair for awhile.” She laughed at her pun because the hairdresser had just started styli
ng her hair.

  “Well, ladies.” I could see the excitement on their face as I started the story. I felt like a kindergarten teacher about to start story time.

  I told them the whole story and even drew some parts out because I knew that Jane was feeling a little overwhelmed.

  The day really was magically and the proposal may have been a little cliché for some, but to me it was perfect. A month ago, Bo and I had spent the entire day walking around central park, visiting all of my favorite stops. At the end, just as it started getting dark the Cinderella style carriages lined up the perimeter of the park. “Have you ever been in a carriage?” He asked, and I shook my head no.

  “Well every princess should ride in a horse drawn carriage at least once in her life.” He led me into the carriage, once I stepped in I felt him gone from behind me. When I turned to look for him he was on one knee.

  “Bells, I know that our story has had its flaws. We’ve faced villains, shattered dreams, and pain. But we’ve also seen miracles, magic and love. Please let me give you the fairy tale ending; let me treat you like the princess you are. Let me be your prince. Marry me?”

  The girls were so giddy, I felt bad for their future husbands they had a lot to live up to.

  “Just kidding girls!” I laughed at myself for even coming up with that story.

  “Tell them the real story Bells.” Jane called out from the other side of the room.

  “Alright. Alright. A week after Bo and I decided to get back together he came home one night from work. I had just finished making dinner for us.” I omitted the part that I was only wearing an apron.

  “I sat down to eat and Bo came around to the side of the table when I looked up he was on one knee. He told me that he couldn’t stand one more second of me not being his wife. Instead of a box he handed me an envelope, with two tickets to the Bahamas inside.”

  “ The rest is history girls! We got on the plane twenty minutes later and within two days were husband and wife.” What I didn’t fill them in on was the part where Bo surprised me and had all of my immediate family already there.