The Idea of You

by J. Desails

  My first instinct was to run to him, but I wanted this moment with Bo to be perfect. I looked up again and he was gone. I knew where he would be, but I also knew that I wouldn’t be going there.

  The rest of the night was quite the celebration. Even my Mom was drinking, and she was telling all of my forbidden embarrassing stories, which included the time that I was attacked by the beater in fifth grade while making pancakes. My Dad kept his arm around Bo the whole night as if he was a trophy. I was glad that I married someone that my Dad was proud of; he would be the toughest critic. It wasn’t until a week after my wedding that I even found out that Bo asked my Dad for his permission before he asked me to marry him.

  Not that my father had a choice, because we both knew that I was going to marry him regardless. I was ready to go home, and I knew that I was the only sober one so I offered them all a ride, which they loudly, but politely declined.

  “Alright you guys. Walk home safely then!” I would have to set my alarm for about an hour after the bar closed just to catch a glimpse of them all stumbling in.

  My headlights hit the porch and my heart stopped. I saw a head covered by an oversized USMC hoodie. I sat in the car for two minutes before getting out. I even contemplated going back to the bar. I realized though, that this was an issue that I was going to have to address at one point in time. I couldn’t ignore the red envelopes any longer.

  I got out of the car and saw him look up with his face covered in tears. Jer was stronger than this. I ran to him and put my arms around him. “It's ok Jer.”

  “ I would have given anything, I mean anything for that to be me and you there tonight.”

  I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything at all. “You didn’t read my letters did you?” I shook my head. For all I knew they could have been empty.

  “I figured you wouldn’t. I still know you the best.” He said it with conviction. I even wondered if he was being passive aggressive by writing them to me.

  “Jer, it's not a competition.” I heard full-blown weeping; I pulled his face to look at me.

  “What happened to you?” He was broken. “Nothing, it just breaks my heart that you are with him. It should have been me.”

  “Bullshit. Jer I know you better than anyone else too. Tell me what is going on.”

  “You should have read your letters, if you had you wouldn’t be here comforting me.” Now I was wishing I had read those letters. What could be so horrible that I wouldn’t want to comfort my oldest friend when he is in so much pain.

  “Jer, I need you to tell me now or to leave. We can’t do this and you know it.”

  “Are you happy with him? Are you sure that he is the one for you?” I nodded.

  “I have never been more sure in my life. I wish it could have been you Jer. The thing I realized is, I fell in love with the idea of you. That was my childhood dream, but we can’t just force our heart to want something because it seems like a fairy tale. Because on paper it looks good. In fact I really owe you a thank you, and it might hurt now but you need to hear it. You led me to him. You made him become the man that stole my heart. I’m not it for you either. You’ll know that once you find the woman for you.”

  He looked at me through glassy eyes “Iz. It was my baby.” I had just been sucker punched.

  “What do you mean Jer!” My mind was going at record speed. “I didn’t know it was mine until she lost it. I did love her. I was going to be a Dad. I did sleep with her that night, but it was out of pain, and guilt that I wasn’t there for her when I should have been.” His voice was breaking, and I felt like my heart was breaking all over again.

  I was happy with Bo, and I knew that I couldn’t be happier with anyone else but I felt a new form of betrayal. This changed my entire perspective of Jer, it was like I was staring at a stranger. The part of me that wanted to comfort my best friend disappeared. I had begun to question the validity of our friendship at all.

  “I’m sorry for your loss Jer.” I got up and headed towards the door to the house. I looked back and saw the shell of Jer sitting on my porch. I turned the light off and walked into the house.

  Jess came and put her arms around me. “I heard the whole thing. I’m really sorry.” I was so sick of the word sorry. It didn’t take away the pain I felt, it didn’t take away the fact that I let myself believe someone I trusted for far too long. I needed peace, and sorry wouldn’t give me that. I needed to disconnect myself completely from Jer.

  He started banging on the door and I could hear the mumbling, “I’m so fucking sorry Iz. I’m so sorry.” There it is again. The thing is I wasn’t sure what he was sorry for.

  I reluctantly opened the door. “Jer. I cannot hear you say I am sorry one more time. I need you to leave.” I saw Bo walking up behind Jer.

  “What’s going on here?” I could tell he was buzzed and genuinely confused.

  Jer looked over at him. “Just saying my last goodbye is all.” He turned and walked away. Relief that finally Bo was home overcame the pain inside me.

  He pulled me into him. His scent comforted me, and I wished I didn’t ever have to pull away from him. “I thought you were staying longer.” I looked up into his ice blue eyes.

  “I missed you.” That was all I needed to hear from him. That was the best description of what I had with him. I knew that no matter where life would take us, if we weren’t together I would always miss him, and that’s why Bo was the one for me.

  Bo asked me no questions about what had happened between Jer and I. That night I wasn’t ready to talk about it. The only thing I wanted to do was be with Bo, and I was over and over again that night. We had so much to be happy for, so much to celebrate.

  Just as he was falling asleep he whispered, “I always knew you would be the mother of my child.” I pulled his arms tightly around me and fell to sleep.

  I was in the middle of a dream when I felt a heavy weight on top of me. I woke up to see Ella with her arms wrapped around me. “I missed you Mama.” Bo was behind her in the doorway drinking his coffee. I sat up and my happiness reflected on Bo’s face.

  “Hey you! I’ve missed you so much.” I looked around for a box in the room. I pointed to the stuffed animals and Bo dug through them finally finding the present. He handed to me and nodded in approval.

  “Hey Ella girl, your Daddy and I want you to open this.”

  “Is it a dress for the party tonight?” I shook my head.

  She unwrapped the gift faster than a kid on Christmas Morning. Without saying a word, I saw Ella beam with a new ray of happiness!

  “Its….Its just what I always wanted.” She held the shirt up to her that read Big Sister. “Is it real? Am I really going to be a big sister?”

  Bo found his way to the bed. “It’s real baby girl. Its real.” We all sat on my childhood bed with Bo’s arms wrapped around us. As a little girl I sat in this very bed spending so many nights dreaming for this.

  Epilogue:

  Bo

  I couldn’t believe that Bella was already six months pregnant. I sat on the couch staring at her dancing around in the kitchen while making dinner. She was a vision, my vision. I looked at her gently place her hand on her stomach as she looked over at me.

  “He’s moving! He must like this song.” I laughed at the Justin Bieber song blaring through our home.

  “I doubt that, he’s probably trying to get your attention to turn it off.”

  “Be nice Bo.” She gave me a stern look that no one would believe she was capable of. “I’m going to get in the shower, keep an eye on the chicken.” She leaned in and kissed my forehead and it felt like heaven.

  I made my way into the kitchen and stared at all the letters in a pile on the counter. It tore me up that she hadn’t opened them, mostly because I was dying to know what the asshole had to say for himself.

  I picked up the stack of envelopes and guessed there had to be at least twenty. I picked one from the middle and ran my finger over the seam. My conscience
told me no, but curiosity finally had won me over.

  I ripped the envelope and looked up to be sure she didn’t hear it, although realistically it probably didn’t even make a sound.

  I unfolded the letter and seeing his handwriting alone had my blood boiling.

  Dear Iz,

  I can’t take one more second of not being able to talk to you. I hate the way we left things, and I need to know that you told Bo the truth.

  That’s it. That’s all I could handle on an empty stomach. I heard my girl coming around the corner so I shoved the letter back in the pile. What is the truth? She ran up to me as if she hadn’t seen me in ages and I placed my hand on her stomach. “Is he still moving?” She nodded her head, but what I really wanted to ask was “Is he mine?”