Undeveloped (Life Unfiltered Book 1)

by K Leigh

  Teddy wrote that his scholarship came through and he’s extremely excited to start classes for his business degree. He’s been saving all of his money for school, so any amount of help he gets during his undergraduate studies will be a blessing.

  As I open Connor’s letter, my fingers tremble. It’s been a week since I threw his promise ring back at him. I can still hear the sound of it bouncing off the footrest of his truck.

  Natalie Rose,

  Hope your first day at camp has been fun. I know it’s your favorite place in the world. The food here is terrible. I’d take those grilled cheeses you always burn over anything here. Tell Kate and Seth I said hey.

  I love you,

  Connor

  “What an asshole!” Kate covers her mouth as soon as her expletive escapes, looking around to see if any kids heard her. Luckily, their all so loud that no one but our table seemed to notice. Matt raises his eyebrows at us in amusement but continues eating without comment. I still wonder where he had been all morning.

  “Don’t write back, Nat,” Kate advises, her cheeks flushing an angry red. “Just forget him. He doesn’t deserve your time and energy.”

  “This guy must be an ass.” Matt leans across the table, snatching Connor’s letter from my hand before I can protest. The feeling of being stripped bare smothers me as his eyes read over Connor’s words. It’s one thing to read them privately and feel as if Connor never knew me at all, but for someone else to read them and see that between the lines, is embarrassing. The sympathy in Matt’s expression only amplifies my insecurities, and I almost miss his sarcastic smirk.

  “So, is this dude your boyfriend?” he asks.

  “He was,” I clarify quickly.

  “Not in it for the long haul?”

  “I thought I was,” I scoff. “Our parents were practically planning our wedding already.” Reaching for my fork and napkin, I focus on my meal. Pork barbeque has always been my favorite. Connor’s letter isn’t going to ruin that for me.

  As I stir the sauce in with the shreds of meat on my plate, Matt slides the letter across the table.

  “You should burn it.” He grabs his own silverware, digging into his food with enthusiasm.

  “Burn it?” I ask, confused.

  “Yes, burn it. If you’re done with him, be done with it. Set yourself free.”

  I contemplate his words as I take a bite of my food. The sweet and tangy sauce mixes with the coleslaw on my tongue, and I have to pause to enjoy the moment. “Oh my god. So good.”

  Matt’s warm laughter interrupts my appreciation of the food.

  “Something funny?” Kate leans over me, staring daggers at him.

  “I’m not making fun, I swear.” Matt waves his hands in front of him in mock defeat. “Where I’m from, women don’t show their appreciation for food like you guys do. It’s refreshing.”

  “Where are you from again?” Trying not to feel self-conscious, I take another bite.

  “My family has lived all over the country.” Matt scoops up another mouthful. “But we’ve been in D.C. for the last few years.” The downshift tone of his voice makes me think he isn’t quite fond of the location.

  Kate and I glance at each other, neither of us sure of how to respond to Matt’s comment. Meanwhile, Seth is shoving food into his mouth without abandon, oblivious to our predicament.

  “Well, those girls probably would show appreciation for food, but they’re afraid of being judged,” Kate finally responds with a shrug. “That’s an issue here, too. It’s a global thing, I’m sure. Nat and I just don’t care. We like to eat, so screw everybody else.”

  Wiping my mouth with my napkin, I nod in agreement.

  Matt’s expression lightens, a small smile pulling at his lips, and I’m suddenly bombarded with the memory of him in nothing but his towel. I wonder if he’s been sitting across the table from me, remembering the same situation.

  Then a horrifying thought crosses my mind. Had I looked like a drowned rat gawking at him this morning? I hope not. I’d rather that not be a lasting impression he has of me.

  Looking over at Matt, I brandish the letter at him. “Since it was your bright idea, why don’t you go with me to burn this trash?”

  He doesn’t even hesitate, immediately nodding his head while his tongue darts to the corner of his mouth to catch a stray blob of barbeque sauce. “Okay.”

  Seth reaches into his pocket, pulling out a box of matches. “Here you go.”

  Matt catches them easily. “You just carry matches around twenty-four-seven, dude?”

  “Only at camp,” Seth jokes. “I haven’t cleaned up the fire pit yet. Y’all can use it.”

  “Let’s go.” I wipe my mouth with my napkin and gather my trash together.

  Kate’s mouth gapes open, but Matt and I ignore her, pushing our chairs in and dropping the remnants of our lunch in the trash can on our way out.

  We make idle chit chat on our way to the fire pit, but to be honest, my heart isn’t into it. The magnitude of what I’m about to do—even if it is only burning a paper—weighs heavy on my chest.

  “It’s sad, isn’t it?” Matt points to the fire pit. “The remains of our bonfire just forgotten ash.”

  “Depressing, really,” I muse, choosing a stick that’s not completely charred to stir the ashes. “Something that brings so much happiness dies so quickly.”

  “Only because it was left to die,” Matt replies, pulling Seth’s matches out of his back pocket. “No one kept this fire stoked. To keep a fire alive, you have to maintain it, add wood, and protect it from the elements.”

  His analogy isn’t lost on me. Relationships are like fire. They can die out with the right change of wind, just as Connor and I did. Or, they can erupt into uncontrollable flames. The only difference is how they’re handled.

  “Are you ready to do this?” He waves an unlit match at me. “Goodbye, Cooper.”

  “Connor,” I correct him with a smile. This part is bittersweet. For all of Connor’s faults, I wasn’t without my own. He was in my life for a while, and it wasn’t always bad. He just wasn’t what I truly wanted, it turns out.

  Matt strikes the match, handing it to me with a steady hand. Ignoring my quivering hand, I take it without hesitation. Dangling the letter over the fire pit with my other hand, I barely touch the flame to the letter. As I drop the paper, the memory of my first kiss with Connor bombards me.

  I remember how grateful I was that I had just brushed my teeth. We had ridden the bus to school that day because his truck was messed up, and the driver seemed to find every pothole on the road. The first time he leaned in, the driver hit a bump way faster than she probably should have, and we bumped foreheads. He put an arm around me to steady us, dipping his mouth to mine in the same fluid movement.

  I didn’t know until later that he had sent a thumbs up to his friend behind us as we had kissed. Another girl had written me a note to tell me, but I had still pushed away my lingering doubts.

  Connor’s letter has writhed into an onyx ball, and as it becomes unrecognizable, I breathe out a sigh of relief. The feeling of letting go is refreshing. My heart had been ready for quite a while, but now that my mind and my body were catching up, it felt good. It felt free.

  Matt and I stood side by side, watching the little fire until the last charred piece is barely smoking.

  “I lost my first love,” Matt confesses, hands crossed in front of him as if standing in respect at a funeral.

  “I’m sorry,” I reply. I’m not sure if he wants to talk about it or if he just needed to make the statement.

  “Don’t be. Drunk driver.” His trembling voice surprises me and my head snaps to him quickly. When he had said lost, I assumed that meant they had just fallen apart like most teenage relationships. But his true meaning hits me like a brick to the chest, and I have to swallow a few times to relieve the emotion straining my throat.

  “People are awful,” I finally murmur, resisting the urge to cover his hand with mine.<
br />
  My heart stops when he continues. “I had too much to drink but drove anyway. She had more than me, so I thought it was the safer choice. We were seventeen. I ran a red light and she died on impact.”

  Tears prick my eyes and I’m not sure which hurts worse, his confession, or me putting my foot in my mouth. Unsure of how to continue, I clear my throat and blink the tears back, waiting to see if he says anything else. How do you even comfort someone after you’ve insulted them?

  “I am awful.” His gravel voice has me returning my gaze to him, and his sage eyes lock onto mine, a desperate plea hidden among the golden flecks. “Every single day, I wish I had been the one to die.”

  We stand in silence, watching the tops of the trees sway in the breeze, until I finally get the courage to take Matt’s hand in mine, joining him in his moment of regret.

  “Come with me,” I whisper to him. “I want to show you something beautiful.”

  The path to the cliff is a ten minute hike from the staff cabin. A wire fence lines the drop-off, but it’s not the safest area. Campers aren’t allowed to come up here, but it’s not uncommon for the staff.

  “This is where I come to take pictures of the sunrise,” I tell him.

  “And how far up are we?” Matt asks

  “Umm…about thirty feet, give or take.”

  Matt’s eyes widen as he whistles. “Holy shit.”

  “Wait ‘til you see everyone jump into the lake from here.”

  “Okay, I don’t even want to talk about that. Change of subject.” He pauses and takes a deep breath. “So this is the magical shot spot of Shady Grove then.” Matt glances over the fence, shuddering and looking away quickly. “What kind of camera do you use?”

  My face flushing, I shrug. “I actually don’t have one. I use disposable cameras. I’m not a photographer, I just dabble.”

  “Well, that’s how everyone starts.” Matt checks his watch and grimaces. “We better get back to do the dishes.”

  As we make our way back down the path, he says, “Why don’t you meet me in the morning for the sunrise? You can try out my camera. And I’d like to photograph you.”

  The thought of posing for him makes my heart beat faster, but I try not to let my nerves show as I smile and nod.

  As we enter the mess hall, I notice most of the kids have thrown their trash away, and Kate has the Ladybugs all lined up beside their table. Her eyes find me as soon as the door closes behind me, but I evade her gaze; instead, glancing back at Matt.

  I don’t know if it’s the sight of his windswept hair or the moments we had just shared, but a bravery rises in my chest and the words spill from my lips before I can stop them.

  “Are we meeting before or after we shower tomorrow?” I’ve rendered him speechless for the moment, and the pride rushing through my veins is exhilarating. “Before.” I decide, before he can even respond. “You never know how dirty we’ll get.”

  His expression changes from shocked to intrigued. I’m sure he never expected a retort like that from the goody-goody. Turning away, I head toward the kitchen for dish duty and leave Matt to follow me. Burning Connor’s letter set something loose inside of me, something I didn’t even know I’d been holding back.

  Desire. And an aching need to rebel.

  13

  Natalie

  Past

  My first morning with Matt was interesting, to say the least…

  I set my alarm for an hour before sunrise, then lay in bed and worry about the semantics of the following morning.

  Will Matt and I come out of our rooms at the same time? Or maybe he’ll knock on my door when he’s ready.

  It’ll be a normal camp morning for the most part, but I’ve never shared my routine with someone else. Adding the time up, I realize we’d have an hour and a half before everyone else wakes, so we should both have time to shower.

  The following morning, I take more time on my appearance than I normally would for a hike. I brush my hair until it’s tangle free and leave it loose. I’ve always thought I looked better with my hair down. Not that it mattered. This isn’t something I need to look special for, right?

  The hallway is empty when I open my door, and when I peek into Matt’s room, I find it vacant. The bathroom is empty as well, so I assume he’ll be outside, and when I make my way out there, I discover I’m right.

  Stepping out into the morning air, I spot Matt leaning on the stairwell, typing into his phone—again. To his credit, he actually puts it away when he sees me, tucking it into the side pocket of that beautiful camera bag.

  “Morning,” he greets me with a sleepy grin.

  “Good morning.” Taking the steps two at a time, I land beside him and smile. My breath hitches when he reaches up and catches a strand of my hair in his hand.

  “I love your hair. It’s like a sunrise all on its own,” Matt says, setting the strand free. A wistful smile spreads across his face.

  “At least someone does.” His eyebrows raise at the wry note in my voice and I go on to explain, “Kate and I are the only redheaded girls in Branch Key. We’re anomalies. That’s how we became best friends.”

  “She seems like a good friend. A bit protective, but that’s not a bad thing.” Matt and I begin to retrace our steps to the cliff from the day before.

  “She is. We’re protective of each other. It took me a while to let Seth into our circle,” I joke, stepping over a tree root. “We should have plenty of time this morning. We’re up super early.”

  “As long as we have time to shower together,” Matt’s shoulder bumps mine on the next step and I know it wasn’t by accident.

  “Oh, you’re never gonna let that one go, are you?” Shaking my head, I laugh.

  “Never. It’s not every day a cute little redhead eyes me like you did.” Matt shrugs, shooting me what I now realize is his signature smirk.

  A slow blush creeps along my cheeks but I turn my head away from him.

  “So, how’d you get into photography?” I ask after composing myself.

  “Okay, so my parents don’t have a lot of time for me. They never have.” His tone darkens as he talks. “It became a game, to see what all they would buy me. One time, I asked for a camera purely out of spite, as they’re expensive. Then, I actually fell in love with photography. The ability to capture a moment forever. It’s a beautiful thing. What about you?”

  “My dad’s a pastor. He gave out disposable cameras to our church members every once in a while. I started using them and now he buys them for me all the time. It’s a tradition for me to fill them up every summer while I’m at camp.”

  As the clearing comes into view, I breathe in the fresh air. Setting my bag on the wooden bench, I pull out my camera. The sky is just beginning to lighten over the lake, it’s beautiful hues dancing in the water.

  “We’ve made it just in time,” I tell him.

  “You’d think they’d put a more secure fence here,” he says, eyeing it cautiously.

  “Are you kidding?” I giggle at his hesitance. “The last few days of camp, the campers are already gone. And after we’ve packed and cleaned everything up, we take a day to have fun and go swimming in lake. Remember I told you yesterday that we jump off from here?” Tipping my head toward the lake, his panicked expression fills me with glee.

  “It’s crazy,” I go on to say. “Flying toward the water, the wind rushing into your face and through your hair.” Closing my eyes, I remember the exhilaration of free-falling. “It’s not really that high, you know,” I tease.

  “Yeah, okay,” he says, his words dripping in sarcasm.

  Spreading my arms out, I inhale the fresh morning breeze stirring around me. The trees surrounding the lake wave at me in the wind, beckoning me to dive on into the cool water now.

  “What do you like to be called?” Matt suddenly asks, his voice carrying over to me in the breeze.

  ‘Hmm?” Dropping my arms, I close my eyes and lean my head back. “That’s an odd question.”

/>   A series of clicks sound off, and I turn to find Matt taking pictures of me.

  “Everyone here calls you Natalie or Nat.” Matt presses his camera to his face again, snapping a photo of my profile. “But the letter from Connor addressed you as Natalie Rose.”

  Scoffing at the use of my full name, I roll my eyes at Matt. “Everyone in my hometown calls me by my first and middle name. For my whole life, it’s been Natalie Rose. I’ve tried to get them not to do it, but they’re stuck in the habit.”

  “That kind of makes them assholes.” Matt drops his camera, letting it hang from his neck strap. “They’re not respecting your wishes.”

  “They’re my family,” I say simply, as I join him on the bench.

  “Your family can still be assholes for not caring how they make you feel.” Matt grabs the camera again, snapping a picture of my pensive expression. “So what happened with you and Cooper?

  It was only natural for him to ask, and he had shared his past with me. Truthfully, mine paled in comparison to everything Matt had been through. The thought crosses my mind that Seth might have mentioned Connor and I to Matt. It wouldn’t be unlike him to blab all my business. What did I have to lose by being honest, though?

  “Connor.” I laugh. “We dated for six months. He gave me a promise ring at graduation, then I threw it back at him when he upset me the night before he left for football camp.”

  “Shit,” Matt says in a low hiss. “How’d he make you mad?”

  “I didn’t want to sleep with him, and he kept pushing me to do so.” My bitter tone frustrates me. I no longer care about Connor; it’s more to do with me feeling inadequate again.

  Here I am, hiking with a cute guy who shares my interests. I shouldn’t let my thoughts linger on someone with such little regard for me.

  “What a dick.” Matt shrugs. “You’re better off without him.”

  I love his raw honesty. He always seems to just say what he wants or thinks with no filter. Something I’ve never been brave enough to do in most company.