Living for Today

by Kennedy, Brenda

  “Xander?”

  “Yeah?” When she doesn’t say anything, I say, “What is it, Ava?”

  “Would you mind staying with me tonight?”

  Would I mind staying with her tonight? Is she crazy? I wanted to stay with her since the first day I walked into the inn. My next thought is why? She isn’t the type of girl to just invite a man into her bed. Then I remember her nightmares. “I’d love to.” And no truer words have ever been spoken.

  I shower before bed, making sure I have everything I need with me. It’s a small area, and I don’t need to be walking around in a towel looking for something on my first night staying with Ava. Ava wanted me to stay with her, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t for a romp in the sack, aka Disneyland for adults. But I wouldn’t judge her if it was. Is this going to be awkward? Should I offer to sleep on the couch? Should I plan to sleep on top of the blankets? I want to make love to her, but is it too soon? Not according to Drew and Skylar, it’s not.

  When I come out of the bathroom, Ava is already in bed reading. She’s wearing a white tank top, and has the bed sheet and blanket pulled back on my side of the bed. Good, she wants me in her bed. I usually sleep in my boxer briefs, but tonight, I’ll sleep in my sleep pants. She sets her book down and watches me walk across the room.

  “What?”

  “I’ve never seen you dressed in pajama bottoms before.”

  “Maybe because I hardly ever wear them.”

  She doesn’t look away, but continues to watch me.

  I smile internally. She’s looking at more than my bottoms. I get into bed and cover myself up to my waist.

  She cuddles into me.

  Lowering my lips to her, I softly kiss the crown of her head.

  She looks up at me with her black hair and dark eyes. She looks stunning. I bend down to kiss her and it’s soft and sweet. Then it turns deeper and more intimate. She moans and it’s sexual. She runs her hands through my hair and I kiss her harder. She moans and says, “I want you, Xander.” Slowly, I roll over her and look down at her. “Are you sure?” I ask. Normally, I wouldn’t ask, but I want to make sure this is what Ava wants. God knows, it’s what I want.

  “Yes, please. I want you,” she whispers.

  Chapter Three: Love and Health

  Xander

  Last night was one of the best nights of my entire life. If I die today… I’ll still be pissed that I didn’t have more time with Ava. I don’t understand one-night stands. Why wouldn’t you go back for seconds, or thirds or some number in the thousands or tens of thousands? Once I think about it, I’ll never have enough time, or times, with Ava, no matter how long I live. She’s a caring and giving lover. I wanted everything she had to give, plus some. But if I die today, I’ll be thankful I had this one moment with her.

  I felt like I couldn’t do enough for her. I wanted the night to last an eternity. I wanted all of her orgasms, I swallowed every sexual cry through our intimate kisses. I wanted to be the last person to make her feel that way. I wanted, and want, to make her mine for the rest of our lives.

  Ava was meant to be mine. She fit me like a glove and I loved every second of it. When we were done, we showered together and made love again. Is it possible to fall in love with her after just one night? It was more than sex. It was more than anything I’ve ever experienced. Is it because I’m dying? Is this how women feel after sleeping with a guy for the first time? Because of my death sentence, I realize how precious life is, and I know how short a lifetime can be.

  I lie awake, holding Ava closely to my bare chest. Her breathing is shallow and soft. She smells of sex, vanilla, and cranberries. Even while cuddled together, she fits into me perfectly. I don’t think that I sleep at all this night. I just lie awake and replay the night over and over in my head. I don’t want to forget one sound, one movement, one word that came from her sweet lips. I want to remember it for the rest of my life.

  The rest of my life reminds me of how little time I have with Ava. A few months, less than a year. It’s already been almost two months. I’m not ready to go, I want more time. I need to fight harder, try harder, and be healthier. I need to see my doctor and talk to him about other options, maybe get a second opinion. Is it wishful thinking that he’s wrong? That he’s made a mistake in my diagnosis?

  I need to get home to see my oncologist. I need to see about other treatments, other surgeries, and other medications that are available to me. I’m not ready to give up just yet. I’m strong and feel well enough, so maybe I can fight this. Maybe I’ll be one of the few who can survive terminal cancer. If not, maybe I can extend my life a few more years. I need more than a few measly months to be with Ava.

  When Ava’s breathing changes, I’m afraid she’s beginning to dream. I’d be damned if I’ll let the bastard enter her life again, even if it is through a dream. “Shhh, baby. I’m here with you,” I whisper into her ear. “I’ve got you.”

  She cuddles deeper into me, and I let her. I vow to keep her demons at bay for as long as I can. If I run into that bastard in the afterlife, I swear, I’ll kill him all over again. Hopefully, we won’t be in the same place.

  Ava

  Xander is everything I imagined he would be. Kind, gentle, and passionate. I’m so glad that we finally made love. I know we’ve been out on only a few dates, but I’ve spent so much time with him over the last couple months. He’s always here and we share almost every meal. I see him daily and we’ve become close.

  People may judge me and think I made a quick decision, but they’d be wrong. Seeing him every day for months has let me get to know him quite well. After the night we just spent together, I want to get to know him more. I want to know everything I can about him. I want to see his baby pictures, read his yearbook comments from his classmates, know about his past relationships. I want to know about his likes and his dislikes, his favorite foods, and what he wants out of his life. It may be short, but I want to know what I can do to make the rest of his life better.

  I want more time. I need more time with him. I know surgery was his only option and he quickly declined it for fear of what could happen. But… what if it went well, and it cured him? What if tonight was the first night of many years that we will spend together? I need to talk to him. I need to convince him that the risk is worth it. I need to show him that I’m worth the fight to get better. That I’m worth the risk of the surgery. That living for today isn’t the answer. That he needs to seek a future.

  I cuddle into him and sleep better than I have in months. This is definitely my safe place.

  Xander

  When I know Ava is in a peaceful sleep, I get out of bed and text Mom. I tell her I need to come home and I ask her if she’ll call Drew in the morning and tell him that she needs to see us. He’ll worry if I tell him I need to return home. He might also bitch about having to leave Skylar. But if Mom says she needs us to come home, he’ll leave at a moment’s notice to be with her and to help with whatever she needs. I just need to get home to see my oncologist about my vision and about alternative treatments. I have this newfound need to live.

  Ava and I shower together and just before breakfast, Drew’s phone beeps that he has a text message. I already know it’s Mom, but I pretend to be clueless. Ava and I fill the coffee carafes while Skylar removes the casserole from the oven.

  “Mom needs us, we gotta go.”

  I look up with what I hope is a surprised look on my face. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

  “She probably needs a bookshelf moved,” he teases.

  Skylar and Ava observe, but remain quiet. “She didn’t say what was wrong?” I try to sound concerned.

  “All she said is that she needed to talk to us.”

  “Well, we better get going if we want to make it back by this evening.”

  “Xander, don’t forget your meds.” I look at Ava and I’m not surprised that she would be concerned for me.

  “I won’t, Baby. I’ll be home tonight if I can. I hope her talk won’t ta
ke too long.”

  “You stay as long as she needs you. Family first,” she says, sincerely.

  She’s got that right. Family is always first. Drew and I help the girls and make sure the food and drinks are set up on the buffet before we leave for our trip home. I don’t want to be gone from Ava, but this is something I need to do. I kiss and hug her before leaving. She looks sad. Does she think this is a one-night stand? Shit. This is terrible timing for me to have a revelation about living.

  “I’m sorry, this is terrible timing.”

  She smiles slightly. “The timing is a little off.”

  “I’ll do my best to be back tonight, but if not, hopefully tomorrow. I still owe you a date.” I stroke her full, soft lips with my thumb.

  She smiles and I hope she knows that I’m serious. “Try for tonight.”

  “Okay, I’ll call you later today to let you know what’s going on.” I look over and see that Skylar and Drew are having their own intimate conversation.

  “All right, but I’ll miss you.” She leans in and kisses me. It’s a kiss different from the other kisses we’ve shared before last night.

  We fly out to the Outer Banks and when we get to the house, Mom has some lame jobs for us to do. Just as Drew said, she says she wants her bookshelves moved from one room to the other. Just as we start to remove the books from the shelves, Mom and Dad call me out of the room. Drew doesn’t say anything, he continues to work.

  When I walk into Dad’s study, I close the door behind us. He sits behind his desk and interlocks his fingers beneath his chin. “Your oncologist called, he can see you today.”

  “Good. I was hoping he would.”

  “Your mother tells me you’re having problems with your vision.”

  “I am.”

  “She’ll go to your appointment with you, and I’ll help Drew with the bookshelves.” He looks at Mom. “Maybe we could just move them to another wall in the same room? I don’t want to spend the entire day moving bookshelves.”

  I interrupt. “There’s something else.”

  “Oh, Xander.” Mom sounds heartbroken. I know she worries about me. I know that after what happened to Drew a few years ago, she can’t stand the thought of going through that again.

  “I want to talk to the doctor about the surgery, or another progressive treatment.” I can see hope on Dad’s face and tears in Mom’s eyes. “I’m ready to fight. I wanna beat this.”

  Mom places her hand over her heart. “Oh, Xander. What changed?” Mom asked.

  “Ava’s what changed his mind,” Dad says.

  “Did she talk you into the surgery?”

  “No, Mom, she didn’t. She doesn’t know that I’m here to talk about my treatments or my conditions.”

  “Then what changed?”

  “I like her. I’ve been thinking about it and I want to go at it as aggressively as I can.”

  “Have you fallen in love with her?” Dad asks.

  There’s a knock at the door before the door opens. “Come on, Xander. I need help moving the bookshelves.”

  Dad stands and says, “Xander’s going to help your mom, so it looks like you and I are moving the bookshelves today.”

  “Are you feeling all right?” Drew asks.

  I hate to lie to him, but I don’t want to worry him, either. “I’m fine. Going to the store with Mom.”

  He watches me as if he can read my mind. Thank God, he can’t. “Okay, I’ll see you in a bit.”

  When Drew and Dad leave, Mom says, “Come on, we better get going to make your appointment.”

  Ava

  I had the most amazing night with Xander last night. He brought emotions out of me that I didn’t know I had. He was everything I was hoping for and more. When he said he had to leave this morning, I was sad. If I could imagine what a one-night stand felt like, I’m afraid that this would be it. I tried hard to not focus on that feeling. I know it was just poor timing. Certainly, Xander felt the same way I did, didn’t he?

  We have breakfast and we always have lunch here at the inn. Today, Skylar and I bake Christmas cookies and scones for the tea. I think since Drew and Xander are gone, we’re just trying to stay busy. “Do you think they’ll be back this evening?” Skylar asks.

  I hope so. “I’m not sure. Xander said tonight or tomorrow. I guess it depends on what their mother wanted with them.”

  “It’s weird not having them here, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, I guess it is. You really like him, don’t you?”

  Skylar looks dreamy eyed, and this is not a look I see on her very often. “I do. We have a lot in common, and he’s great in bed.”

  I look at her and we both bust out laughing. “I didn’t need to know that.”

  “You’re my best friend and I had to tell someone.”

  Still laughing, I say, “I swear, if you go into detail, I’m leaving.” Just then the phone rings and I’m excited to see it’s Xander. Skylar’s phone also rings, and when I see her smile I know it must be Drew. We walk to opposite ends of the living quarters before answering.

  “Hey,” I answer.

  “Hey, yourself. How is everything?”

  “Skylar and I spent the morning baking.”

  “Sounds like a good day.”

  “It is. How’s your day?”

  “Good, running errands with Mom. She sends her love.”

  “Aww, tell her I said ‘hi.’”

  “I will. I just wanted to hear your voice. I’ll call later when we get back to the house.”

  “Okay, sounds good. I’m glad you called.”

  “I miss you.”

  “Me, too. I’ll see you soon.”

  When I’m done on the phone, I set the food for our lunch out on the counter. Skylar is still in her bedroom on the phone. I’m halfway through lunch before Skylar joins me. She’s happy and smiling. It’s great to see her happy, and in a relationship. Is she in a relationship? It’s moving so fast between her and Drew. You can sleep with someone and not be in a relationship with them. It must be a relationship, right? Whatever it is, she’s happy, and that makes me happy.

  After lunch, I say, “I’ll work the tea if you want to leave to do some shopping or something.”

  “Ava, you wouldn’t mind?”

  “No, not at all. Christmas is coming and we need to get out and shop when we can.”

  “I do need to get some things. Are you sure you don’t mind? I always feel like I’m bailing out on you.”

  “Don’t be silly, and don’t feel like that.”

  “Okay, if you’re sure. Can I ask what are you getting Xander for Christmas?”

  Am I getting Xander anything for Christmas? “I don’t know. I haven’t given it much thought.”

  “Well, you better hurry. You’ll run out of time soon.”

  “I guess you’re right. I don’t know him well enough to know what he would like or want,” I admit honestly.

  “Well, you could always ask him.” She leaves the room and returns with her jacket, keys, and her purse. “I’ll see you later, if you think of something you need while I’m out, call me.”

  “Okay, I will. Be careful.”

  “Always.”

  Later that night, we don’t get a call from Xander or from Drew. I’m worried but I don’t say anything. If Skylar’s worried, she doesn’t say anything either. We sit in the living quarters while I read, and Skylar flips through the television channels. “Screw this, I’m calling Drew.” Skylar stands up with her cell phone and walks into her bedroom. When I hear a car pull up, I stand up and walk out into the main foyer. I’m hoping it’s Xander and Drew, but I’m expecting it to be a guest checking into the inn.

  When I don’t recognize the car, I open the door to greet our guests warmly. Getting out of the car are two men: Xander and Drew.

  “Hey, sorry, we don’t have any vacancies,” I tease.

  “It’s okay, my girlfriend’s the co-owner. She said she could squeeze us in.” Drew smiles as he slings a duf
fle bag over his shoulder.

  The screen door opens and Skylar hops off the front porch and runs into the waiting arms of Drew. I envy her easy-going spirit and her relationship with Xander’s brother. I’ve been seeing Xander longer and I’m still not that comfortable with him yet.

  I walk off the porch and go to Xander. He smiles, never taking his eyes off mine. “It was rude of us not to call, but…”

  “It’s okay, I’m just glad you’re here. Everything go well with Rachael?”

  “It did.” When I get closer, he steps forward and wraps his arms around my waist and leans down to kiss me. “I tried to get here sooner.”

  “I’ve missed you,” I say between kisses.

  We start to walk in the house, and I soon realize that this isn’t the car they left in this morning. “Whose car’s this?”

  “It’s mine,” Drew says.

  “Where’s your truck?” I ask Xander.

  “It’s still at the airport.”

  “You drove home from the Outer Banks today?” Skylar asks.

  The guys look at each other. “It’s a long story, but Dad’s flying in tomorrow.”

  I look at Xander for him to elaborate. “I’ll explain later.”

  That answer is good enough for me. Drew unpacks his duffle bag quickly before we watch a movie and have popcorn before going to bed. The movie is Edge of Tomorrow, an excellent Tom Cruise action/adventure film that did well but could have done better at the box movie if the subtitle — Live Die Repeat — had been its main title. Tom keeps fighting aliens and dying, and then coming back to life while retaining his previous memories. He progresses from an incompetent newbie who dies in a couple of minutes to an incredibly competent warrior who is hard to kill. And the kickass romantic interest is played by Emily Blunt.

  In the middle of the movie, Drew asks, “Does anyone care if I remove my prosthetic leg? It’s been itching me all evening.”

  Wait? What? Prosthetic leg? I honestly had no idea. Without faltering, Skylar says, “No, babe, go ahead.”

  I look around and Xander and Drew are looking at me. “No, I don’t care.” I sound surprised although I try hard to sound casual.