Living for Today

by Kennedy, Brenda

  “You’re back early,” I say.

  “I know. I needed to get back.” She wipes away her tears. “Xander was cremated and his memorial service is still being worked out.”

  I nod my understanding. “I’m glad you’re home.”

  “Me, too.”

  I turn to Drew and he looks devastated. “I’m so sorry.” I hug him and he holds me tightly. “I’ve missed you.” I nestle my face in the crook of his neck and inhale. He smells of ocean and fresh air.

  “Oh, babe, I’ve missed you more.”

  “Are you okay?” I cry. Why am I crying? He just lost his brother. He should be the one crying.

  “I will be.”

  “I’m so sorry.” I want to say something worth hearing, but I have nothing. I don’t know what to say to him. “He was a great man.”

  “Thank you, he was.”

  He doesn’t release his hold and I don’t care. I could stay in his strong arms forever. I want to comfort him, but I feel like he’s comforting me. “How’s your mom and dad?”

  “Mom hasn’t stopped crying. I’m actually glad Nichole is there with her. When we left, they were looking through photo albums, school yearbooks, and any other embarrassing report cards or ribbons he earned from pre-school until now.”

  I pull away and look at him since it’s been awhile since I’ve seen him. “You shaved your head. It looks nice.” It’s not a lie. Not many people look good with a completely bald head, but Drew is one of the few people who do. His skull is perfectly symmetrical.

  “Xander lost his hair from the aggressive chemo treatments. Dad and I shaved our heads to support him.” A lump forms in my throat. He kisses my forehead and runs his hands up and down my arm. “We should get you inside, it’s chilly out here.”

  I finish up the tea while Claire fixes Drew and Ava some lunch. Ava looks thinner than usual. I know this last week has been especially stressful on her, not to mention the last few days.

  As soon as the tea is over, I hurry into our private living quarters. “There she is, let’s see if she can tell,” Ava says.

  She must be talking about me. “Tell what?” I ask, walking toward the dining room table.

  “I have faith that Skylar can pick her man out of a lineup,” Drew says confidently.

  Tell ‘em, Babe. “I’ll know Drew anywhere,” I confirm without a doubt. That’s a lie. If it’s Drew as an adult, I’m good. But if it’s baby pictures, I’m screwed. I think all babies look alike.

  As I get closer I see several baby pictures sitting on the table of two babies who look identical. Ava smiles. She knows I think that all babies look alike. “Go ahead and pick out your man,” she teases.

  Drew stands tall and proud. I’m hoping to not disappoint him.

  “You were able to pick out Xander, weren’t you?”

  She nods, “Yeah, in all 12 photos. This will be easy for you. There’s only a few photos here for you to pick from.”

  She knows I can’t do it. She’s setting me up. I lean in and study the photos. I have no idea. I look hard, still nothing. Closing my eyes, I take a lucky guess. “He’s the baby in the blue socks.”

  “High five, Babe. I knew you could do it.” I smile, and high five Drew, while smiling back at Ava. Go, me! I just hope he never finds out I had no idea which baby he was.

  “I knew you wouldn’t let me down.”

  Later, when Ava and I put the food away, she asks, “You had no idea which baby Drew was, did you?”

  I close the refrigerator door and say, “Not a clue.”

  “I didn’t think so.”

  Ava

  Lying in bed, I cry. Xander was taken too soon. His life wasn’t over. It couldn’t have been. He was young, too young. I look at the unfinished chess game we just started to play a week or two earlier. I smile at the memory. He was amazing and an incredible man. I didn’t love him, but I liked him. Could I have loved him? I think so. He was easy to like. He was easy to spend time with. Honestly, I could have easily fallen in love with him.

  I knew him for only a few short months, and I have only fond memories of him. Not one argument. Not one disagreement. Nothing but happy times, well, up until the last week. Conversations replay in my mind. Drew said he came to Savannah right after he learned his tumor had grown. Lost in Savannah. I get online and order his new book. It’s been available for pre-order for only a few days and it’s ranking number one in all categories. I decide to search other online retailers and he’s ranking on all of those sites, too. I knew his books have always sold well, but I never looked to see how well. I knew Jami Alexander on a personal level. I smile at that. The bad things that have happened in my life have brought me here. To Savannah. To the inn. To Xander. I guess God did have a plan. I decide to order several paperback copies of his last book. His last book. It’s sad to think about.

  I close my laptop and cuddle into the pillow that Xander last used. I’m disappointed when his scent is faint. Soon there won’t be anything left. My mind wonders about death and heaven. Can Xander see me? Does he know the pain I’m feeling? Is he with his parents and Drew? Is he in heaven studying some student handbook on How To Be a Guardian Angel? Or eating Mallo Cups by the six-packs? I’d like to think so. Has his vision returned to normal? Can he see Earth from Heaven?

  Over the next week, the mood at the inn is somber for us, but we try to make it festive for our guests. We play Christmas music beginning at breakfast and it plays throughout the day and into the evening. The guests talk excitedly about their plans for the day, and Skylar and I try to not show our sadness.

  Some days, I feel like we’re just going through the motions. Skylar and I have breakfast with the guests and steer them in the direction of the best holiday festivities in town.

  This morning, Drew and Skylar leave right after breakfast to finish up their Christmas shopping. Mom and I stay in and do some online shopping of our own.

  “Mom, you know you can go home. You don’t have to stay here with me.”

  “I know. It’s your Dad’s idea. He doesn’t want you to be alone.”

  I look around the large house and when it’s full of guests, it’s hard to be lonely. “Will he be here for Christmas?”

  “He will. He’d like to continue our Christmas Eve tradition.”

  When I was a child, we always had a big party on Christmas Eve. It was the highlight of the holiday season.

  “I don’t know if I’m up to it this year. So much sadness has happened to so many people we love and care about.” I stop and my mind rushes with all of the bad things that have happened. This hasn’t been the best year for me. I give Mom an example of why my mood is solemn. Not that she needs to be reminded of any of these events. “Look at what happened to Nichole this year.”

  “I know. But look at the good that came from it. She’s finally free of that monster, and she’s getting better every day.” That’s true, she is. “But what about Xander? It’s just been a few days since his passing. I’m not sure I’m up to a big celebration.”

  “I understand. We can have dinner — just us. We still have to eat.”

  That’s true, we do. Most memorial services end with a meal. Someone dies, we mourn, and then we return to living our lives. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. “Thank you for understanding.”

  On December 23, the last guest checks out of the house. The next guest doesn’t check in until New Year’s Eve. Apparently, Savannah has a big New Year’s Eve celebration down by the water. I shouldn’t be surprised. If there’s a reason to celebrate, this town will do it in style.

  By noon, the house is empty. The cleaners are gone, and I anticipate that Drew will be leaving to join his mom and dad for the holidays sometime today. I haven’t asked Skylar about her plans, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she goes back with him. I walk around the house, talking myself out of the depression that threatens to take my body hostage.

  This is the time of day that we serve the afternoon tea. The tearoom is empty and I�
�m feeling sorry for myself. I hate that now, I’m second guessing my decision to buy the bed and breakfast and bring my dear friend, Skylar, into it with me. I should have made sure I was more stable than I was in my decision making. I laugh to myself. She’s a nut to have followed an amnesiac to another state to start a new business. Who in their right mind would do that? A best friend, that’s who. Okay, Xander, I get it. Many blessings, I know. I can clearly see them. Is this how it’s going to be? I feel sorry for myself, and Xander shows me what I have to be thankful for?

  Skylar and Mom walk into the room and Mom asks, “What are you smiling at?”

  “Just thinking of Xander.” Although he’s gone, he’s still everywhere. “Do you think it’s too late to have a Christmas Eve party?”

  “You want to do our traditional party now?” Mom asks.

  “I know it’s short notice, but yeah, I do. It won’t seem like the holidays without our family and friends.” I look around the big empty house. “Seems like such a waste to have the house empty for Christmas.”

  “No, it’s never too late,” Skylar says excitedly.

  Just at that time the door opens and in walk Drew, Nichole, Rachael, and Daniel. I look at Skylar and whisper, “You already planned a party, didn’t you?”

  “It’s my house, too. I thought it would be nice to do something with everyone. Besides, Chase didn’t have anyplace to go. His parents went skiing in Colorado, and he was home for the holidays.”

  “You know I love you, right?” I hug Skylar and I am so thankful that I have her.

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “Your dad and Chase should be here soon,” Mom says.

  As Skylar walks over to the door to help Nichole, Drew, and his family, she calls over her shoulder, “Mom and my brother Mark are coming, too.”

  I swear I think my heart does a happy dance.

  “Good thing you have a house big enough to accommodate everyone,” Mom giggles.

  “No kidding. I think this will about fill up all of the rooms.” I lean into her for a hug. “Thank you. I think this is just what I needed.”

  “Don’t thank me yet, we still need to get groceries.”

  The day is filled with the arrival of our family. I make a list of the things we need from the store and Skylar and Drew entertain everyone with their short and sweet romance. I have no idea how serious it is, but if she’s happy, that’s all I care about. He’s a good guy, and I know he’ll be good to her. At least I hope he’ll be good to her.

  I am more than excited to see Dad and Chase. I’ve missed them both terribly. I hug Dad before I hug Chase. “It’s been too long,” I say to Chase.

  “It has.”

  Once everyone is finally here and unpacked, we ease into a comfortable gathering. Some of the guys play Call of Duty on the big screen. Chase and Drew started a fire outside in the garden. Mom, Rachael, Jessica, and Nichole are baking, and everyone else is having spiked eggnog. The house is filled with laughter and it feels nice. Rachael, Daniel, and Drew look sad, but they’re engaging in conversation and activities with others. I think this was a good idea. At least maybe their mind isn’t fully on Xander’s absence.

  “Ava, before I leave this weekend, I’d like to speak with you in private.” Dad is standing beside me.

  “Sure, I have some time now.”

  He looks around the room and says, “Maybe later. It’s not important, but we need to talk.” He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

  “Okay. Well, whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here.”

  Dad looks outside through the large picture window. “Do you want to sit outside by the fire?”

  “Sure, I need a refill first.”

  I refill my glass and fill his glass before walking out into the chilly air. The fire warms me quickly. Nichole, Chase, Dad, and I are the only ones outside. It almost seems like we walked in on a business meeting. Chase and Nichole both smile. If it is a business meeting, it must be going in Nichole’s favor.

  “Are we interrupting?”

  “Don’t be silly,” Nichole says. “It’s getting chilly out here. I’ll meet everyone inside.” She stands and we watch her walk into the house.

  “Did we interrupt?” I ask again.

  “No, we were done.”

  “She’s looking much better,” I admit.

  Chase smiles, “She is. She has good things coming her way in the new year.”

  That must mean about her divorce. I won’t pry, but I want to ask what he means.

  “She deserves it,” Dad says.

  Does he know something I don’t know? I’ll ask him later.

  “She’s been through a lot.” Chase looks down at me. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m good. Feeling pretty blessed today.”

  Chase runs his hands up and down his jeans-clad leg. “Me, too.”

  “Marshall, can you help?” Mom calls from the door.

  “Coming, dear.” He hollers over his shoulder, “See ya.”

  Once he’s inside, Chase asks, “So, how are you really?”

  He knows me so well. “I’ll be okay. I’m sad. Death is sad. Xander was a nice guy, and it’s not fair it happened to him.”

  “No, it isn’t. Life isn’t fair.” He looks at the hot embers of the fire. “I think what we can do is learn from Xander.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He lived well. He had a good life. He treated others with respect. I imagine his life was fulfilled and mostly complete prior to his death. Not everyone can get a grasp on life like he did. Although he was taken sooner than he should have, he lived his life better than most.”

  “That’s a pretty good analysis.”

  “Thanks. I’m an attorney. It’s my job to know people and know the types of people they are.”

  “You know just before he died he finished his last book.”

  He looks at me sadly. “I heard. Girls in the office were talking about pre-ordering it. They’re quite sad over the loss of Jami Alexander.”

  I have to wonder what his thoughts are on me. No better way to know than to ask. “What about me? Do you think I’m wasting my life doing nothing?”

  He furrows his brow. “No, not at all. Any amnesiac who packs up and moves to another state to start her life over, while chasing her dreams, is doing anything but wasting her life.”

  I smile. I never looked at myself like that. “I did that, didn’t I?”

  “You did that, and you’re still doing that, Ava. You’re amazing and I’m incredibly proud of you.”

  I blush. “Thank you. I appreciate that.”

  “You’re welcome.” He watches as the fire dies down. “Should I add another log or are you ready to go inside?”

  “Although I would love to stay outside, I think we should go in.”

  “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

  When we walk inside, I can see Nichole on the phone in the other room. I sit at the table with Rachael and Daniel. They are very grateful for being out of the house for Christmas. I share with them what Chase said about Xander living life to the fullest. They both shed tears, but they are happy tears. I thought it was worth sharing and worth hearing again.

  We all engage in teams of charades, Scrabble, and Pictionary. I suck at them all, but I don’t care. It’s the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Mark and Skylar are on teams and there is no beating them at anything. Something tells me I should have known this about them from the beginning. After too many to count high-fives and fist bumps from the Sperry family, my team loses. Later we are joined by everyone else, until Mark and Skylar are the last two standing. Everyone in the house laughs as the two declare themselves to be the unbeatable winners.

  I tell the others, “The first time I played charades, I was in middle school, taking beginning piano lessons. The word I chose was Mozart, but no one guessed my word because I made a mistake. I indicated that my word was pronounced with three syllables, but it is pronounced with two. I was wrong when I thought it was
pronounced ‘Moe-te-zart.’”

  Chase says, “A cousin of mine is named Bruce Bruce, believe it or not. He was named by a practical joker who thought that Bruce was a nice name; now he goes by his middle name: David. While playing charades, a friend of his indicated that her phrase was two words, and then she pointed twice to a bruise on her leg. Bruise bruise? Oh, Bruce Bruce!”

  We all pitch in with the cleanup and say our goodnights for the evening. Skylar walks around with me and makes sure everything is locked up.

  “Sweet dreams, Ava,” Chase says, standing at my bedroom door.

  “Goodnight, Chase. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Okay.” He turns to leave before turning back around. I follow his eyes to the chess game sitting on the table in the corner of the room. “You’re playing?”

  “Xander and I started a game.” I get sad, thinking we’ll never finish it. “Do you play?” I ask hopefully. If I had my memory, I would know the answer.

  “Who do you think bought you that set?”

  “You did?”

  “Of course. You needed some practice with your pathetic playing skills.”

  “Pathetic?”

  He tries hard not to laugh. “The truth hurts … sorry.”

  “Care to see how my skills have… improved?” I hold the door open wide for him to enter.

  He cracks his knuckles and walks into my bedroom. “You don’t still cry like a girl when you lose, do you?”

  I throw my head back and laugh more than necessary. “Game on, Murphy.”

  “Murphy? Trying to intimidate me by using my last name?” He walks further into the room. “Emerson, it’ll take more than that to scare this champ!”

  We sit at the table and look at the game already in process. Chase sits in the same seat Xander was sitting at. We each have two pawns and one bishop off the table. I don’t have the heart to start Xander’s game all over.

  “Looks like Xander was a great player, I can live with this. Whose turn was it?”

  I remove the marker from the table and say, “My move.”

  “Of course it is.”

  Chase

  Ava’s gotten much better at chess than I remember. Of course, I don’t tell her that. She’s a lot cockier than I remember, too. It’s cute and fun to watch.