Living for Today

by Kennedy, Brenda

  “I have no idea. Can it be any worse than the dreams she’s having?”

  Drew thinks for a minute. “I’m afraid that it can.”

  Ava

  I don’t recall having nightmares when I slept with Xander. When Chase was here this last time, I didn’t have nightmares then either. It seems like I have nightmares only when I sleep alone, which is all of the time. They’re more vivid and violent than before. Connor is angrier and more aggressive in my current dreams. When I wake up from them, Skylar wants to talk about them. I always tell her I can’t remember them. The sad truth is, I’ll never be able to forget them. I can’t talk about them. I can’t say the things that happen to me in my dreams, at least not to Skylar. I don’t want the images to haunt her, too.

  I’m tired, but I’m too frightened to sleep, and I’m too scared to turn the lights off. I lie in bed, awake, staring at the walls. Connor and I started off having dinner in a restaurant, but we ended up in the car. He threatens to kill me, but the reason is unclear.

  I should see Doctor Adams, but he suggested at my last visit giving me a sleep aid. I’ve researched Ambien and I don’t want anything to do with that. Tylenol PM might be okay to take. I haven’t slept well since Xander’s death. I was hoping since the holidays were over, maybe I would get into a normal routine. You know, sleep all night without waking up, thinking a knife is being held to my throat. Why didn’t I just leave? If I couldn’t leave, why didn’t I just kill him? Surely I would have gotten off. There’s battered woman’s syndrome. That’s a defense they use in court. I didn’t do either. I stayed with him and I excluded my family and friends from my life, but why? I walk out into the living room and knock on Skylar’s bedroom door.

  “Come in,” Drew says.

  They are both up watching television. “What’s up?” Skylar asks, sitting up in the bed.

  “Since we don’t have any reservations this week, I was thinking about going to Lake City for a few days. Do you guys want to come with me?”

  “You’re seeing Doctor Adams?”

  “It’s the weekend.”

  “That’s right.”

  Lake City holds the answers to my past and maybe a trip back will stir some different kinds of memories for me. “I want to see Mom, Dad, and Chase.”

  Skylar says, “I think someone should be here at the inn.”

  Maybe she’s right. “Maybe I shouldn’t go either.”

  “Drew and I can handle the inn, you take a mini vacation to Lake City.”

  When I first thought about going, I thought it was a good idea. Now, I’m not sure. “Drew, do you mind? It’s not really fair expecting you to run the inn.”

  “I don’t do anything when I’m here. Skylar does it all, I just keep her company.”

  “I’ll be gone for only a couple days.”

  “Stay as long as you need to. Let us know when you’re packed, and we’ll walk you to the door.”

  I arrive in Lake City just after 3:00 pm. I didn’t call Mom, Dad, or Chase to tell them I was coming. My first stop is the accident site. When I arrive there, the wooden cross is tattered and worn, but it’s still standing. Parking the car, I get out and walk the short distance to it. Just like the last time, white calla lilies are lying on the ground. No card is attached and no other flowers are left. A small red toy truck is lying in the dirt near the cross. I look out into the open field where Skylar said the car rolled over and landed on its top. The grass is grown over and there’s nothing to suggest that a fatal car accident happened.

  Not much traffic is on the road this time of day, so I drive to Connor’s final resting place. Not so much to pay my respects, but to see if a memory will surface… something… anything. I need to face my fears. I want to remember so I can move on. I used to be content with forgetting the past and living for today, but now I’m fearful to fall asleep. I’m afraid of what will haunt me in my dreams. I need to know what happened to me. What happened on the night that changed my life forever? The night that Connor died.

  The cemetery is eerie and cold. I park my car and walk towards the black granite tombstone. I think about Nichole and the loss of her son. Even though he was a monster, he was still her son. I know she loved him. I like her and it’s sad to think about everything she’s gone through in her marriage. Her son’s death. Her husband’s abuse. Did Connor learn to be abusive from his father? Is that why he beat me? I have to wonder if Connor hit others before me. Was Connor capable of hitting his mother? God, I feel sick to my stomach. What if Nichole was abused by her husband and her son? A tear slides down my cheek as I envision the nightmare she could have lived. Do I dare to ask her? It’s none of my business. I don’t walk the rest of the way to Connor’s grave. He doesn’t deserve my visit. There are no answers for me here. I turn to leave without saying a prayer. Without saying a goodbye. Without shedding a tear.

  When I leave I drive by Nichole and Brett’s house. From the outside it looks like an upper-class home. You could almost imagine the laughter coming from inside the house. You could almost picture the wonderful holidays being shared, and the Sunday dinners being prepared inside. Looks sure are deceiving. There’s a FOR SALE sign in the front yard that I’m surprised to see. It makes me wonder whether Brett isn’t trying to sell the house from under Nichole. I make a mental note to mention this to Chase. I do think it’s best to get rid of all bad memories from her past so she can move forward to a much brighter and happier future.

  I call Chase to see if he wants to meet me for dinner. He thinks it’s a joke at first, until he realizes I’m waiting for him outside of his office building. “I’m glad you’re here,” he says excitedly. “Come on up while I wrap things up.”

  His office is the same place where Connor worked prior to his death. I haven’t been here since before the accident. I don’t remember anyone and if they speak to me, I won’t know who they are. “Okay, I’ll be right there.” I have issues, but I don’t need to make them Chase’s problems. “Meet me at the elevator.”

  “I will. I can’t wait to see you.”

  No matter what, Chase always makes me feel welcome, and he always makes me feel like I’m the most important person in the room. When I step off the elevator, he’s there waiting for me. We hug, and then he walks me to his office with his arm wrapped securely around me. It feels good to be here with him.

  “So what brings you to Lake City?” I sit down and he sits on the other side of his desk.

  What do I say to that? He’s my friend. He needs to know the truth. “Searching for answers.”

  “To your past?”

  I nod. “It’s the only way I can move forward.” Do I tell him about my most recent nightmare? My dreams have been memories and I don’t think this one is any different. “I had another nightmare last night.”

  “I know, Skylar called me. What was it about?”

  Of course she did. I don’t want to remember, but sadly, I can’t forget. “I think I was pregnant.”

  “What?”

  “In one of my dreams, we had a horrible argument about a baby, or a pregnancy, or something to do with a child.”

  “It’s vague?”

  Closing my eyes, I say, “Some parts are, but some parts are vivid and it feels so real. His anger is so… frightening. He was furious. Madder than I have ever dreamed about him.”

  “I’m sorry.” He leans up in his leather chair.

  “It’s not your fault. I think if I face my past, maybe… hopefully, I can move forward to a brighter future.”

  “How do you plan to get the answers you need?”

  “When I sold and moved out of the house, what I didn’t take with me, I put in storage.”

  “And you’re up to this?”

  I have to be. “It’s time.”

  He smiles. “Okay. I’ll be right there with you.”

  “You will?” I smile.

  “Of course. You’re my girl, I wouldn’t let you do this alone. We’ll start first thing in the morning.” He thinks f
or a moment. “You weren’t wanting to start tonight, were you?”

  “No, tomorrow’s perfect. Thank you, Chase.”

  He places some things in his briefcase before leaving. As we walk out of his office building, I see a woman watching me. It’s Lorraine, who was Connor’s legal secretary when he was alive. I also remember her from the cemetery. As we walk toward the elevator, she continues to stare at me. She doesn’t smile or wave, and she doesn’t seem overly friendly either. I notice her bleach-blonde hair and her perfectly shaped painted red lips. She stops walking and watches Chase and me until we round the corner to the elevator.

  We have dinner at the Main Street Deli and Pub. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s always good food and music. Once we’re done, we walk along the brick roads of downtown. The area is small and quaint. The store owners leave white Christmas lights outside of the shops all year long. It reminds me of a scene in a painting. It’s peaceful and tranquil. We get coffee and drink it outside of the courthouse.

  Chase puts his arm over the back of the wooden and metal bench. “I remember Mom and Dad bringing me here when I was little to play in the splash park.”

  “Seems odd to have a splash park outside of a courthouse.”

  “Not a likely place for sure. But it seems to work well for the nearby families.”

  Lake City is a great place to raise a family. “I wish I could remember if I came here as a child.”

  “After tomorrow, maybe you’ll get all of your memories back. The good and the bad.”

  “That would be nice.” I’ll need something good to balance the bad memories and emotions.

  On the way back to his office to get my car, he says, “Did your parents want to join us for dinner?”

  “They don’t know I’m here.”

  “You didn’t call them?”

  “I needed some time. I need time to think.”

  “Are you done thinking now? Because if you are, you may want to call them and tell them you’re in town.”

  I giggle. “I think I’m done.” I call Mom and it goes right to voicemail. My call to Dad also goes to voicemail. I leave them a quick message that I’m in town for a few days and to call me when they get this.

  “Are you staying with me?” Chase asks. “I have a spare bedroom you can sleep in.”

  “Sure, sounds good. I don’t want to stay at Mom and Dad’s if they’re not home.”

  I get in my car and follow Chase to his condo. He shows me around and I put my bag in the spare room. I’m surprised to see some photos of Skylar, him, and me framed and displayed in his home. “Did you frame this?” I ask, holding up a framed photo.

  “No. You and Skylar gifted me those throughout the years.”

  Some of the photos of us are fun and silly. Others are more serious and almost intimate. He and Skylar look like a couple. They look happy and cute together. “Why didn’t you and Skylar ever date?”

  He almost chokes on his beer. “Because I was never interested in Skylar.”

  Chapter Six: More Surprises

  Chase

  I guess I’m hiding my feelings from Ava better than I thought. She still thinks that Skylar and I should be a couple. Little does she know it’s her where my heart is, not with Skylar. “So,” she says as she kicks her feet up on the glass coffee table, “you have this big fancy condo and no one to share it with?”

  “I’ve been thinking about changing that,” I say seriously.

  “You have a girlfriend?”

  “No, I’ve been thinking about getting a dog.” She tosses a pillow at me. “What?”

  “Chase, you’re a great guy. You need to share your wonderful life with someone.”

  “I will one day.” Maybe. “I’m holding out.”

  “For what?”

  “For the perfect girl.” I’ve already found her, I’m just waiting for her to realize I’m here sitting in front of her.

  She thinks for a minute. “Does the perfect person even exist?”

  “Yes, I’m certain of it.”

  Once we go to bed, I don’t sleep in the bedroom; I sleep on the couch, instead. If Ava starts to dream, I want to be able to hear her before the nightmare has taken over her slumber. I wish there was a way to stop the nightmares before they begin. She doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve the life that Connor gave her. When I hear her moan, I don’t rush in to be by her side. I don’t want to frighten her more than she already is. I cough loudly enough for her to hear me, instead. As long as she wakes up from the dream, she should be good to continue on to a restful sleep. I hope.

  In the morning we shower and put on old clothes before heading out to the storage unit. I stop and get some trash bags in case she decides it’s time to let go of some of the stuff she’s been holding onto. I don’t know everything that she stored, so I’m not sure what to expect.

  Just like Ava’s house she shared with Connor, everything is stacked meticulously. There are boxes and furniture. I just sit with her on the concrete floor as she goes through photos, cards, papers, and receipts. I can’t help her decide what to keep and what to discard. I’m just here for support in case she finds something or remembers something.

  “Who’s this girl with Connor?”

  I lean over and remove the large stack of photos from her hand. There are several dozen pictures of Connor and his secretary, Lorraine. The picture on top of the stack was taken at a holiday party. I remember it well. Ava wasn’t at this party, Connor said she was home ill. Connor and Lorraine hung around each other a lot, and I never understood their working/nonworking relationship.

  “It’s Lorraine, Connor’s legal secretary.”

  She takes the photo and looks at it again. “That’s Lorraine?”

  “Yeah. You remember her, right?”

  “Lorraine’s a blonde, right? She was at your office yesterday.”

  “That’s right. She goes from blonde to brunette depending on the time of the month.”

  She laughs, although it wasn’t meant to be a joke. “She looks different in this photo.”

  “That’s definitely Lorraine. I see her everyday and she looks different to me every time I see her.” I think to myself that Lorraine’s one odd girl, but I don’t say that. I watch as Ava looks carefully at each photo before tossing them in the trash.

  She keeps all of the photos of Connor alone and tosses out all of the couples pictures or group pictures with the two of them.

  She says, “I think Nichole would like to have these.”

  I look inside the box at the photos of just Connor. “I think these will mean a lot to her.”

  “Me, too.” She pauses and says, “Hey, I forgot to tell you that I drove by their family home last night and it’s up for sale.”

  “I know. I’m hoping it sells quickly.”

  “Brett agreed to the sale.”

  “It was his idea. He claims to want out of this marriage as much as Nichole.”

  “What’s he up to?”

  “I have no idea. But selling their combined assets and banking the money will make the divorce easier for both of them. The only thing they’ll need to do is divide the money, IRA’s, and things like that.”

  “What about the bakery she just bought?”

  “That came out of her own money. She had an inheritance from her grandparents and she invested it. Nichole kept the money from him and invested wisely, the money grew, and she kept reinvesting it.”

  Good for her. I wish everyone could be so fortunate to have a chance to start over so easily.

  “What is it you’re looking for exactly?”

  “Proof that I was pregnant once, or maybe some brochures on adoption. My recent nightmares are about a child and I need to know if it was my pregnancy that sent Connor into a rage.”

  “I can’t imagine that you would have let yourself get pregnant in the conditions you were living in.”

  “I know, me either. It doesn’t make any sense.”

  “Maybe your dreams this time aren
’t a memory.”

  She reaches for another box. “Maybe, but I doubt it.”

  I suppose it was wishful thinking. “Here, I’ll look through the receipts while you look through the other stuff.”

  Out of everything in the storage room, Ava ended up keeping only a small box of photos and some legal documents. She stands and dusts off her clothes. “Well, my past isn’t in this room.”

  “That’s a good thing.” We lock up the storage unit, make several trips to the dumpster, then head to my condo. “What are you going to do with the rest of the furniture in the unit?”

  “Keep it in case I need it or someone I know needs it. Some of the furniture belongs to Skylar.”

  “Did your Mom and Dad call you back yet?”

  “Nope, not yet.”

  “You want to have dinner in Gainesville with me tonight? We can eat at the Macaroni Grill.”

  “I love that place.”

  “Good, me, too.” We shower and get ready for dinner. We both dress in jeans and she wears a black sweater. I decide on a black button-up shirt to match her attire. After dinner we walk through the mall. We don’t shop for anything special, we just window shop. There’s a new store called Dream Time that I want to walk in. The store says it specializes in restful sleep. It has pillows, feathered mattress covers, scented candles, night lights, expensive bedding, soft music, and waterfalls. We walk around the room and there are even dream catchers on the makeshift windows.

  “Is there something I can help you with?” a saleswoman asks.

  Ava says, “We’re just looking, thank you.”

  I look around the room and say, “I understand about the bedding and pillows providing a better night’s sleep, but how can the waterfalls and the music help?”

  “Follow me.”

  We follow her to where the different-sized waterfalls are located in the room. The different sizes of waterfalls range from some that will fit on your nightstand to some that stand nearly 12 foot high. We listen to the soft trickle of water briefly before the saleswoman says, “It’s peaceful, right?”

  Ava yawns. “A little bit.”

  The woman laughs. “We get that response all of the time. The soothing sound helps to put you into a deeper slumber and keep you there.”