Given Time

by Anthony Burn

  The scene played repeatedly in my head; with each iteration I felt increasingly wretched and disgusted with myself. I’d kidded myself for weeks that the first time I’d used my fist it had been an unthinking aberration, but I couldn’t use that excuse again. This time I knew exactly what I was doing. I could try to tell myself I was drunk, but that was no justification. In any case, although I was slightly the worse for wear I wasn’t so inebriated that I couldn’t help myself.

  If I had been intoxicated when I thumped her, I certainly wasn’t now. The instant I’d climaxed I’d sobered up considerably, and now the shower was finishing the process while I questioned everything I knew about my morals, my motivations and my actions.

  There was one question that was eating me more than any: if I was quite rightly horrified by my atrocity, how had I been able to do it in the first place? And especially to someone who I loved so completely. Could it be that I didn’t really love her? I knew the answer to that immediately: I loved her more than I could ever put into words. But in that case, how could I have beaten her so badly?

  I had to do something about it. I never wanted to hurt her or to feel like this again. I knew I should tell her to leave me, to have nothing more to do with me, but there had to be a better way to work this out than by breaking both our hearts. My only consolation was knowing that she was lying in bed completely unaware of any transgression against her. I was so lucky to have the time device to put things right, and I thanked whatever chance brought it to me in the first place. I tried to tell myself that it didn’t matter about the violence if I could always undo it, but everything about that reasoning felt wrong and it did nothing to ease my conscience.

  Clearly, I was getting nowhere with these thoughts so I tried to concentrate on other problems. Having turned back time, we hadn’t yet had the argument about her father and I knew Lauren was still feeling pissed off with me. I really didn’t want to go through the row again so I put my mind to how I could resolve it quickly. I thought briefly about using the device to go back far enough that I never gave Brian the money, but it would mean turning back to before we left the apartment in the morning, and I couldn’t face repeating the whole day.

  I tried to see the problem from Lauren’s point of view. I understood that she didn’t want either of us to feel she was with me for my money, but there was more to it than that. I turned it around in my head: how would I feel if I had a rich girlfriend who had given money to my parents and not me…? And not me? Those last three words stuck in my mind, but I wasn’t sure why. Could it be that she was incensed by not being included in the handout? I tried to imagine that, but the more I thought about it the less likely it seemed. It just wasn’t Lauren.

  Then suddenly I got it. Those three words had stuck for a reason, but not the one I first thought. If anyone had given her parents money it should have been Lauren and not me. I just needed to work out how to put it right.

  The water stopped abruptly, and I heard Lauren’s voice. ‘Kee, what’s wrong?’

  I had no idea how long I’d been crouching in the bottom of the cubicle, but it was long enough to worry her sufficiently to come and investigate. All of her anger had dissipated, turning to concern for me.

  She put a hand on my back and recoiled instantly. ‘Oh my God, you’re freezing,’ she said. She grabbed a towel and threw it over me. ‘What on earth is the matter?’

  I noticed the cold for the first time and shivered as I stood up, my limbs aching and stiff. ‘I’m so sorry, Lauren. I’ve done something terribly wrong,’ I said, staring into her lovely, undamaged face.

  She was drying me vigorously and at the same time using her body heat to thaw me out. ‘Come to bed and get warm,’ she commanded.

  I followed her through, and she insisted that I got into the cosy spot she had vacated while she stretched out alongside me and draped her limbs across me in an attempt to raise my temperature.

  I clung to her and buried my head in her neck for a long while before kissing her collarbone and pulling back to face her. She had been patient with me, but her face was full of anxiety.

  ‘Kee, you’re worrying me,’ she said. ‘What have you done that’s bad enough to get you into this state?’

  ‘You know I adore you, Lauren, and I would never do anything deliberately to hurt you, don’t you?’ I asked her, and immediately felt awful again as I recollected what I’d just done with my fists.

  She nodded. ‘Just tell me. Please.’

  ‘Okay. Please don’t feel badly about him, but your dad asked me for some money today, and I’m really sorry, I know I shouldn’t have, but I gave him some.’

  ‘I know. I heard you,’ she said, and some of the bitterness had returned.

  ‘I thought you had. You were so quiet in the car, I knew I’d upset you,’ I lied.

  ‘I’m upset with both of you,’ she said, ‘but especially my dad. I can’t believe he turned into a beggar.’

  ‘Please don’t think about him like that. I’m sure he didn’t want to, but it’s hard for your parents to hear how well you’re doing and all your trips around the world on private jets when they’re struggling to pay their bills.’ I wanted to add that I’d warned her about making people jealous, but it sounded too much like ‘I told you so’, so I let it go.

  ‘Oh my God, I hadn’t thought of that,’ she said, her tone softening. ‘He still shouldn’t have asked you though. I could have helped him out.’

  I didn’t have the heart to tell her that her parents wanted more than help with their bills, so I said, ‘You’re right. He shouldn’t have asked and I shouldn’t have given him money, but that’s not the point. It shouldn’t have been necessary for him to ask, and if I’d thought about this sooner he wouldn’t have had to.’

  She frowned. ‘I don’t understand. What do you mean?’

  ‘This is what I’ve got so wrong,’ I said. ‘When I came up on the lottery, I shared the money with the people I love. I didn’t even think about it. I mean, I thought about how much to give them, but there was never any question that they would get a share. Yet there’s one person I love more than anyone else, and I’ve never given her a penny.’

  I could see the panic rising in her eyes, and it reflected in her voice. ‘That’s not true! You’ve given me so much. You gave me that huge consultancy fee, my dream job, a crazy salary—’

  ‘I didn’t give you any of those things,’ I interrupted. ‘You earned all of them, and when I think about the amount of time and effort you’ve put into making the gallery a success, I think I got them pretty cheap.’

  ‘Are you calling me cheap?’

  The mischief was back on her face, and I was so glad to see it that I had to kiss her before I continued. ‘I would never even begin to dream of it, but when you think there are ex-prime ministers who charge a quarter of a million to talk crap for an hour, you have to agree that with everything you’ve done it seems like I got a bargain.’

  ‘But what about all the trips you’ve taken me on, and you won’t let me pay you anything for living here.’

  ‘We’ve been through that,’ I told her. ‘I don’t pay rent or a mortgage, so how could I charge you?’

  ‘I know but all the amount I’m saving by not paying rent is like money you’re giving me, isn’t it?’

  ‘I don’t see that. I’m not giving you the money, just like I’m not giving you the apartment, and as for the trips, I’ve taken you with me, but I haven’t given you the means to go on your own.’

  ‘I don’t want to go on my own. I only want to go with you,’ she protested.

  I laughed. ‘Good. Me too, but are you deliberately missing the point? What I’m saying is, if you did want to, you wouldn’t be able to.’

  ‘Yeah, okay, but if I don’t want to go on my own then it doesn’t matter, does it?’

  ‘No, it doesn’t, but that’s not what I’m talking about,’ I said. ‘What I’m saying is, I’ve given everyone else a share of my winnings, but not you. That’s got to
be wrong, hasn’t it?’

  The panic was back, but this time it was accompanied by vehemence. ‘No, it isn’t. I don’t want it. I love you for you, not your money, and besides, I’ve already got more than I know what to do with.’

  ‘Me too,’ I assured her. ‘I promise, I’m not trying to buy you. There are no strings attached.

  ‘No, please don’t, Kee. I really don’t want it. Can’t we just stay as we are?’

  ‘Yes, it’s not a problem. I’m not trying to force you. If you really don’t want it then you don’t have to have it, but please just think about this: the only reason I haven’t thought about giving you a share is because this all happened before I met you, and it didn’t occur to me until now. If I’d won the lottery today, you’d expect me to share it with you, wouldn’t you?’

  ‘No, not necessarily,’ she said. ‘I don’t expect anything just because we’re a couple.’

  ‘But you’d want me to share it with you.’

  ‘No, I’m not like that,’ she said. ‘Please, Kee, let’s just forget it.’

  ‘God, you impossible… gorgeous, wonderful woman. I can’t tell you how much I love you for being like this. Honestly, I’m not trying to turn you into a gold-digger, but I want to say just one more thing and then if you still want to we can forget about it and never mention it again, I promise.’

  ‘Seriously, you promise?’ she asked.

  ‘Not another word.’

  ‘Okay,’ she said tentatively.

  ‘Okay. If you’d won the lottery today, you would want to share it with me, wouldn’t you?’

  She opened her mouth to answer, and quickly shut it again as she realised that whichever way she responded would be wrong. If she said ‘yes’ then she would have to accept that I should give her a share, and if she said ‘no’ then it would appear as though she was either miserly or that she didn’t love me. I began to gloat at having caught her, but her eyes filled with tears and my self-satisfaction changed to remorse.

  ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to answer,’ I reassured her. ‘It’s not worth getting upset about this. I’m sorry. We can forget it.’

  She dropped her face onto my chest and I kissed the top of her head. She stayed silent while I stroked her back and wondered if I’d done the wrong thing again.

  A long time passed before she said, ‘If I did accept some, what would I do with it?’

  ‘You could do anything you like. Share it with your family or keep it for yourself. Whatever you want. It would be none of my business and I wouldn’t even ask.’

  She looked up at me again. ‘If I say yes, you’re not going to give me anything stupid like a million, are you?’

  ‘I was thinking of ten million,’ I said quietly.

  She beat her fist on my chest. ‘No, no, no. Why do you always do that? Whenever I say an outrageous figure, you always bump it up—’ She stopped abruptly as a new thought creased her brow into a puzzled frown. ‘You can’t possibly give me ten million. After all the money you’ve spent on this place and the gallery and all our trips, you can’t have that much left. You only had eighteen million in the first place.’

  I laughed. ‘I didn’t know Amy had such a big mouth.’

  ‘No, she hasn’t,’ she said. ‘She let it slip by accident when she was telling me how generous you are, and that you gave them half of your winnings. I’m sorry, Kee. I’ve always said it’s none of my business, but I wasn’t sure if I should tell you I knew.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’m not concerned about her telling you, but there was something she didn’t know at the time. I put my money into the stock market and now I’ve got a lot more, so ten million isn’t even half.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ Lauren said, looking frightened.

  I realised it sounded as though I was bragging, so I said, ‘I’m not showing off. I only told you so that you’re okay with ten million, but it’s not a big secret either. Drew and Amy know how much extra I made, and I’ve offered them more if they want it. Look, it’s going to come up sooner or later so why don’t I just tell you now?’

  She shook her head and looked as if she might cry, so I hugged her and said, ‘Okay, okay, I won’t. You are a funny girl. I don’t understand your reluctance, but I love you for it.’ I paused to let her calm down before I asked, ‘So, is it okay for me to share my good fortune with you?’

  ‘I don’t know, Kee. I need to think about it. Is that alright?’

  ‘Yes, of course it is. There’s no rush,’ I reassured her. ‘Take as long as you want.’

  ‘Thank you,’ she said, and her brow furrowed again. ‘Listen, I know I promised you a good time tonight, but my head’s in such a whirl I can’t concentrate. Do you mind if we leave it for now?’

  ‘No, I don’t mind, but let me do just one thing.’ I took her face in my hands and gently kissed her cheeks and nose.

  ‘What are you doing?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m kissing you better.’

  She smiled. ‘I’ve got no idea what you mean, but I like it.’

  I woke up from a highly erotic dream to find I wasn’t dreaming at all. I put my hand below the duvet and onto the back of Lauren’s head, entwining my fingers in her hair while she continued what she was doing.

  My breath shortened while my heart raced, and the excitement intensified until it overwhelmed me at the burst of release. Lauren crawled up my body, swallowing hard and licking her lips. She stretched herself out fully on top of me, so that no part of her was touching the bed. I loved it when she did that and I wrapped my arms around her as I smiled into her glowing face.

  ‘Good morning,’ she said. ‘Merry Christmas. Sorry it was a day late.’

  ‘Why didn’t you wake me?’ I asked.

  ‘I thought I just did.’

  I considered what she’d said. ‘Actually, it was the best way to wake up ever. Definitely my favourite Christmas present. Thank you.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’ She laughed and kissed me. ‘So, I hope you’re going to be ready again soon. I don’t want to be kept waiting too long for mine.’

  ‘I don’t see why you have to wait at all,’ I said, and threw her onto her back beside me. She landed with a delighted yelp in a tangle of covers and a scintillating cloud of crimson locks that enveloped her face. By the time she had pulled the strands away, I was kissing my way down past her navel.

  She achieved her second orgasm several minutes later, and I licked at her greedily. I adored the taste of her, and I would have been happy to continue what I was doing for hours if she let me. I could feel her body quivering as she built towards a third eruption, when I heard the sound of the Skype ringtone coming from her mobile. I lifted my mouth away as she stretched over to pick up the phone, but with her free hand she pushed my head back into place and I assumed she was going to reject the call.

  Amy’s chirpy voice abruptly filled the air. ‘Morning, Lauren. Merry Boxing Day.’

  Lauren’s reply was flustered and filled with mortification. ‘Oh my God, Amy. I totally need to talk to you, but can I call you back?’

  ‘Yeah, sure. If you want,’ Amy replied. ‘I only called to wish you and Kee a—’

  She was cut short by Lauren giving an involuntary moan in response to what I was doing.

  ‘Oh God, Lauren. That’s terrible.’ She laughed. ‘Why on earth did you pick up? Call me back when you’ve finished, you dirty little tart!’

  She must have disconnected because I didn’t hear anything else, and Lauren’s other hand came to the back of my head, where she interlinked her fingers and pulled me tight into her as she worked her hips against me.

  It wasn’t until she had climaxed twice more that she asked, ‘Aren’t you ready yet?’

  ‘Yeah, I have been for at least ten minutes,’ I told her, ‘but I thought you were enjoying this.’

  ‘I am, but I want you inside me. Now!’

  ‘Yes, ma’am.’ I kissed my way back up her beautiful moist body, and did as I was told.

  Twent
y-six

  Lauren slipped into the ivory silk robe I’d bought her for Christmas. ‘Mmm, this feels so nice. I love it. Thank you.’ Her smile faded. ‘I’ve got to talk to Amy privately. You know, about last night. Is that alright?’

  ‘Yes, that’s fine,’ I said. ‘But let me say hello first.’

  Lauren placed the call, and Amy’s laughing face filled the screen. ‘Are you decent, now?’

  ‘I am so embarrassed,’ Lauren told her. ‘I accepted the call by mistake. I should have just left it.’

  ‘Morning, Amy,’ I said. ‘Are you buying that?’

  ‘Not a chance! She’s obviously a complete exhibitionist. She’ll be wanting to go out dogging next.’

  Drew flopped down on the sofa next to his fiancée. ‘Hiya, Lauren. How was it for you, babe?’ he asked before Amy slapped the back of his head.

  ‘Will you lot shut up?’ Lauren asked, her face now a deeper shade of red than her hair. ‘Amy, I really need to talk to you. If I take you next door can you go somewhere private too?’

  ‘Sure. I’ll take you into the bathroom,’ she said. ‘I’ll just put this one on his leash first. Drew, stay.’

  Half an hour later, Lauren came through to the kitchen, her face alive with joy, just as I finished making breakfast. She saw the coffee and toast, but it was obvious she had something more important on her mind.

  ‘Well?’ I asked.

  She threw her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist, so I wrapped my arms under her bottom to hold her up while she kissed me long and hard.

  ‘Thank you. Thank you so much,’ she said as she looked deep into my eyes, and her smile brightened even further. ‘Do you know, every time I think my life can’t possibly get any better, it does again.’

  I returned her smile, happy in the knowledge that I’d been able to cause her so much pleasure, but my arrogance was soon tempered as I remembered that I’d found it just as easy to cause her so much pain. I put that thought away as quickly as I could and hoped I hadn’t shown it on my face. ‘Can I take that as a yes, then?’