The Sensorians: Trust

by Brigitte Morse-Starkenburg

  “What day is it?” I shouted from the bathroom, realising I had actually lost count on how many days had gone by.

  “Tuesday,” Zack answered dutifully but with a slight question mark hanging in the air.

  “Happy birthday to me,” I mumbled. I had turned eighteen today. This is not how I'd imagined my milestone birthday to be like. I wasn't one for a huge fuss, but this was the complete opposite. Zack knocked on the door whilst slowly opening it.

  “Is it okay for me to come in?” he asked gently. I nodded. I was just doing my hair. He turned me to face him and kissed me softly on my forehead. I had to block my sometimes involuntary VH. I didn't want to see my pathetic self through his eyes

  “Happy Birthday, Tiger.” He'd heard me of course. “We'll get your mum over before the end of the day,” he assured me, already on his phone to make it happen. “Are you nearly ready? Markus wants the team to assemble in the meeting room in ten minutes.”

  I nodded, but all I wanted to do was crawl on the sofa with a blanket and hot chocolate. Maybe later. Instead I had to muster all the energy that I had left in my body to face Markus. I wasn't sure if I could cope with a grilling.

  “Don't worry. He said it wasn't going to be an official debrief. He just wanted to say a few words.”

  Zack always knew exactly what I felt. Sometimes a blessing. Sometimes a curse. Today it was just what I needed.

  Markus stood tall, imposing in his black suit. The man always made me feel like a little girl. Even though I didn't always agree with his leadership style, I couldn't deny he was a true leader. Someone you wanted to be proud of you. I understood what Zack craved from him. Thanks to me, he wasn't going to get much of that in the near future. I practically forced him to go behind Markus' back. I was in no doubt there would be consequences to be endured.

  Everyone who had been involved in the mission was there, apart from Michael and Ned, and Sonia of course. The thought of her death made me feel instantly sick. Her eyes, the blood, the images all forced themselves back into my psyche again. I felt Zack's hand on the small of my back, steadying me. But also awakening naughty little sparks inside me. Stop it. How could I.

  Grief was etched on everyone's faces. Most of us had never had to deal with a mission that had gone so badly wrong. It was a reality check for each and every one of us. Phaedra sidled up to Zack, looking for his support. Zaphire was hiding in the back of the room, behind Sam, busily avoiding eye contact with me. Brody was just behind us. Strong as ever. Even Frank looked gloomy. Laura stood next to Markus. Her face an enigma, but what shone through was her determination and resilience. She was remarkable. Markus wrung his hands before he spoke, Laura's hand subtly touched his back to show her support.

  “I asked to see you all today, not to analyse our mission, but to say thank you. We all need some time to digest the events of the past few days. All of us have gone through an ordeal and I want to make sure you know how much we appreciate the effort that took and the toll that it has taken. We have decided that out of respect for Sonia, we declare three days of mourning till her funeral on Thursday. I have put a different team on monitoring Rick for the moment and they are also tasked with locating and dealing with everyone on the list that Eliza gave us access to. But I don't want you to worry about any of this. It's all under control. I want you to take these three days and use them to grieve and recuperate. Give yourself a little break, you deserve it and moreover need it. I've scheduled the official debrief for Friday. Be ready for it.”

  He dismissed us all with a short nod. I noticed Laura giving his hand a little squeeze. We all mumbled a 'thank you Sir' before we left the room.

  Markus' words felt like a veiled warning. We were given a delay of 'execution', but it was coming. And we should be prepared. For now though we could breathe a little easier and deal with our emotions first. Looking at everyone, it was needed.

  “What do you reckon?” I asked Zack when we were safely back into our room, referring to Markus' speech.

  “I think you need to get some sleep. Your mum is on her way and arriving in a couple of hours. Then we should celebrate your birthday,” Zack answered, totally ignoring my question.

  “I don't know...,” I hesitated. “It doesn't feel right, you know?” I questioned.

  “We'll see,” Zack said with a little smile playing around his lips. Hell, I had missed him.

  ◆◆◆

  I hated to admit it, but Zack was right. He'd arranged a nice dinner at a local authentic Italian restaurant with my mum, Sam and Brody and to my surprise Bella too. I couldn't believe it, and my joy must have been infectious as Zack's face was beaming. It had been a long time since I'd seen anything resembling happiness showing on his face. Zaphire wasn't there and it stung, but I made myself focus on the positive and it worked. For the time being.

  I'm not sure what my mum knew about my 'adventures' over the last few days, but I suspected Markus had given her a very clean version of events, not to worry or involve her too much. She didn't look overly worried and was extremely happy to see me, so whatever story Markus had spun her had worked. Moreover, I was happy she lived in relative ignorance. It had started to become too easy to lie.

  We had fun. Everyone did their best to put their grief and worries aside for the evening and we were all grateful for the opportunity to do so. I started to appreciate my gift again, fully taking in all the stimuli on offer. The food and smells were gorgeous and the feelings of joy, exhilarating. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like. We opened a champagne bottle and a couple more followed suit pretty fast.

  “Are you even allowed some?” I teased Zack, as he had told me earlier that Markus grounded him and his sister and banned them from alcohol indefinitely.

  “I've broken all the rules now, may as well break this one too,” he joked shrugging his shoulders.

  I couldn't help furtively staring at him all evening. He was so bloody sexy. I felt guilty but I couldn't help myself. My feelings for Zaphire were as strong as ever, but my attraction to Zack hadn't gone away. And he was here and hard to ignore.

  At the end of the evening I was definitely tipsy. We all said our goodbyes. Mum was staying in a spare room and Bella came to my room. It was like old times and I let myself believe for a moment that all was good.

  CHAPTER 57

  Zack

  She was fucking killing me. With her beautiful eyes staring at me all night, secretly of course, as if that was even possible. The girl needed to fucking back off. I didn't need her to give me bloody encouragement or hope, because I would not be able to stop myself. And I would ruin everything. It was never going to work. She didn't love me. She loved Zaphire. I was just a fucking object of lust to her and I shouldn't forget that. It was hopeless. I should focus my attentions to Phaedra. In fact, I decided to go and see her. Probably wasn't the best idea as I had been drinking, but fuck it. I needed to move on.

  Phaedra lived in one of the apartments on the second floor. Highly sought after by the young singletons in our community. I hopped rooms, wherever I was needed really, but I also still had my room in Markus and Laura's flat, but I aspired to live in one of these sexy pads.

  I knocked on her door, my bit of Dutch courage spurring me on. I wasn't quite sure what she would make of my late night visit. She opened the door, looking rather dishevelled. She wasn't quick enough to hide her embarrassment as her cheeks went bright red. Her blond sleek hair was in stark contrast with Eli's messy dark bob. Fuck. Stop comparing.

  “Hey, it's you?” she said a little bemused.

  “Yeah. Just wondering how you were holding up?”

  “Not great, but thanks. Do you... err...wanna come in for a bit?” she asked hesitantly.

  I accepted, against my better judgement. Anyway, I wouldn't let anything happen I vowed. But she was nice and really easy to be around. And some might say she was stunning. Actually, we had a great time together, drinking some more wine, we chatted deep into the night and we both felt relaxed in each other's
company. So, all good intentions aside, she was after comfort and who was I to deny her. Of course we ended up in bed together. But she was taking as much advantage of me as I was of her and fuck, it felt good.

  The next morning I didn't feel too good though. A combination of two things. Too much wine after having been dry for ages and feeling a little bit of regret about my activities last night. However, waking up next to Phaedra was cozy. She had such a quietly confident manner about her which was so relaxing to be around. She was good for me. She seemed to like my company too, and it felt nice. No extreme feelings playing havoc with my brain and senses. I began to like this feeling and I wanted to experience more of it.

  “Want some breakfast?” I asked her gently. She was still sleepy, even though it was 11 o'clock. We had been rather active last night, and it wasn't just me who was to blame! She'd been insatiable.

  “Yes please,” she mumbled pleasantly surprised.

  It was amazing to wake up with no obligations for today. Of course I wanted to check up with Eliza and Zaphire, but I knew they were being looked after by Alice and Laura. Bella was still around too, though she would be going home soon. We didn't like her to be here for too long, because we had to hide our gift around her. She was already suspicious about the story I'd made up to get her to sign the confidentiality papers. Some Sensorians were furious about my rather reckless spur of the moment action to invite her, but the look of complete surprise and happiness on Eli's face made it all worth it. I was already in so much trouble, it didn't really matter anyway. Alice could stay longer of course, no problem.

  “Are you okay... about last night?” I asked her over our plate of scrambled eggs, looking for signs to tell me otherwise. There were none. She just nodded. She was so damned uncomplicated. I wasn't used to that. Breakfast tasted good, despite my slightly dodgy stomach.

  “Are you?” she countered. I couldn't help showing a glimmer of guilt, even though I had enjoyed myself. She raised her eyebrows slightly. “We don't have to repeat it,” she tried helping me out. She didn't sound pissed off at all.

  “No, I...erh...would want to. It's not that...,” I stammered awkwardly. She smiled.

  “Let's just see what happens. We're both in fragile states. No strings attached okay?” she offered. Was this woman for fucking real?

  “Yeah. That sounds good.”

  I kissed her. She was a good kisser. She tasted fresh with a little hint of sweet. Very different from Eli who was more of a honeysuckle mixed with patchouli kinda girl. Stop comparing! I admonished myself again.

  I briefly thought about lifting Phaedra up and throwing her on the bed for another round. It was tempting. My dick certainly wanted it. Instead I took a shower.

  I left Phaedra to it to go and find Brody, but instead I bumped into Eliza. Instant electricity coursed through my body when I laid eyes on her. What the fuck was going on with me. Why couldn't I control my bloody feelings. I cloaked as quickly as I could, but she must have picked up some vibes as she looked coyly away. I walked past quickly, ignoring her and even though I heard her call my name I kept walking. I would have to deal with it later. But not now. I felt her confusion burrowing its way into my heart.

  I spent the rest of the day with Brody. We visited Ned, but he was still in his induced coma. Just seeing him, lying so helplessly and battered, fired up the guilt I felt for the state he was in again. Brody tried to distract me from my self torture and managed to draw me away from Ned's bedside.

  “Do you want to hear some good news?” he asked upbeat.

  I nodded, shrugging my shoulders.

  “Markus has suspended fitness tests for those who are involved actively with a mission. It looks like your ploy worked with this one,” he laughed. “And it looks like you got away with instigating it too,” he added, punching me on the arm.

  I smiled. A victory, even as little as that, did the soul some good.

  We checked on Michael next, who was looking a lot better than yesterday. He would be out fairly soon. We also paid our respect to Sonia's parents, who were grief stricken, but busily arranging her funeral with Frank's help. I managed to avoid women for the rest of the day, apart from a brief visit to Zaphire, who was miserable as fuck, so I left her to wallow. But by the evening I decided to bite the bullet and see Eli. She would be wondering what the hell was up with me. To be honest I hadn't even fucking worked it out myself.

  CHAPTER 58

  Eliza

  A knock on my door sent my heart beating a little faster. Was it Zaphire? But, it was Zack who poked his head in. He pissed me off earlier and he knew it, judging by his sheepish expression. My mum made her excuses and left the two of us to talk. Despite not being a Sensorian, she had good intuition.

  He sat himself down. Typical Zack; not waiting for an invite. The sort of thing I hated and loved about him at the same time.

  “Thank you for arranging the dinner yesterday. That was really sweet,” I said, deciding to push my annoyance about earlier to the back of my mind.

  “I'm glad you enjoyed it. I think everybody did.”

  I kept quiet because I knew there was more to come.

  “I actually came over to apologize for ignoring you earlier. I don't know what came over me.”

  He paused to gauge my reaction.

  “That's a first. An actual apology.”

  I couldn't help myself. I had to make him squirm a little. I didn't get the chance very often.

  “Yeah okay. I deserve that. But we do have to talk,” he started but then waited again. He didn't really want to talk at all.

  “What about?” I asked innocently, but I knew exactly what this was about. I just didn't want to make it easy for him. I don't know why, but I sort of enjoyed seeing him struggle with his feelings a bit. I was being a bitch. He sighed.

  “I stayed the night at Phaedra's last night,” he blurted out.

  Ouch. I didn't see that one coming. He noticed I was perplexed. I wasn't cloaking at all. He carried on.

  “It's all a bit arse about face, Eliza. I'm struggling with my feelings for you. Phaedra and me...well, it's sort of easy and it made me feel good.”

  “I bet it did,” I snorted a little unfairly. “Does she know you're using her?” God where was this coming from?

  Zack looked a little put out.

  “No, it's not fucking like that. I actually really like her and I have to move on. You clearly are still in love with Zaphire. That's not going to change any time soon and I don't want to be your fucking in between bit until you clear your beef with Zaphy!” he answered vehemently.

  I felt a little ashamed as he was trying to open up to me and all I could do was slam him down. The good thing about being a Sensorian was that I didn't need to tell him this. He already knew how I felt. Normally he would make me spell it out, to make sure he was correct, but he left it today. Instead, he moved closer to me and gave me a hug.

  “I'm sorry Zack,” I sighed, melting into his warm strong body. “I don't even know what I feel anymore. It's not fair on you, I know, but I think I love you as well as Zaphire and I don't know what to do. I trust you and feel completely myself when I'm with you,” I confessed.

  “I can't be second best, Eli. We can't be with each other. So we need to agree to ignore each other's urges and desires, because they will keep popping up. We just have to accept that. Can you do that?” he pleaded.

  “I will try,” I sighed giving in, and hoped to God I could actually do it. I wished I could be with them both, but it looked more like I wasn't going to have either of them.

  “Okay. Let’s move on. How do you feel about the situation with your father?” he started, all matter of factly. How did he do that?

  “I don't really want to talk about that Zack. It's too painful,” I admitted.

  He observed me for a while, not saying anything. He bit his lips and slightly sucked his cheeks in, like he so often did when he wasn't happy with something I said or did. He folded his arms. It looked like he wasn't go
ing to let me defer talking about it. But then he sighed.

  “Okay. Leave it for tonight. It's too fucking much. I'll come back tomorrow. We have to talk about it before the debrief. You need a couple of days to talk and think it over before we get grilled over this. It's not going to be easy,” he said gruffly and abruptly left, leaving the door wide open.

  It left me feeling drained. I was incredibly relieved to have mum here. I'm not sure I would have coped without her. But Zack was right. I had to address my feelings over my broken relationship with my father. I had stuffed it so deep inside that I could almost pretend it hadn't happened. I had to face up to it before the debrief in two days time.

  CHAPTER 59

  Zack

  I was in a mood yesterday evening, having left Eli in a hurry for fear of saying or doing something I might regret. I wanted to help her prepare, but she clearly wasn't ready for it. I went to see Phaedra and she had managed to tease me out of my dark place ending up with me staying over yet another night.

  This morning, Eliza and I had our talk. It was hard for her, but she had been totally honest and open with me. She struggled to reconcile the feeling of wanting her dad to be proud of her and having to betray him because she doesn't condone his actions. Her head knew she had made the right decision, but her heart ached for a different outcome. She had been tempted with the respect and adulation she was promised working alongside her father, but she knew she wouldn't be able to live like that. She did not agree with Rick's world vision and his methods to achieve them. That, she was a hundred percent sure of and I knew she was telling the truth. I trusted her implicitly. I urged her to explain it exactly like that at the debrief.

  Our three days of respite were coming to an end. The funeral had been a heartbreaking affair and not something I ever wanted to experience again. Phaedra managed to stay strong for Sonia's parents' and sister's sake, but I could tell she hurt like hell. I tried to be there for her. I think she appreciated it. She asked me to come over later that night again and I said yes. I was glad I did. I knew the next day was going to be fucking hard for me and I was in no doubt we would have to suffer the consequences for our actions. Phaedra and I made the most of it. Sex was a great distraction.