Life's Secret Lessons

by Suddha Murty

  SUDHA MURTY

  The Day I Stopped Drinking Milk

  Life Stories from Here and There

  PENGUIN BOOKS

  Contents

  About the Author

  Dedication

  Preface

  Life’s Secret Lessons

  Copyright Page

  PENGUIN BOOKS

  THE DAY I STOPPED DRINKING MILK

  Sudha Murty was born in 1950 in Shiggaon in north Karnataka. She did her MTech in computer science, and is now the chairperson of the Infosys Foundation. A prolific writer in English and Kannada, she has written novels, technical books, travelogues, collections of short stories and non-fiction pieces and four books for children.

  Her books have been translated into all major Indian languages and have sold over four lakh copies around the country. She was the recipient of the R.K. Narayan Award for Literature and the Padma Shri in 2006 and the Attimabbe Award from the government of Karnataka for excellence in Kannada literature in 2011.

  Also by the same author

  Fiction

  Dollar Bahu

  Mahashweta

  Gently Falls the Bakula

  Non-fiction

  Wise & Otherwise

  The Old Man and His God

  Children’s

  How I Taught My Grandmother to Read and Other Stories

  The Magic Drum and Other Favourite Stories

  The Bird with Golden Wings: Stories of Wit and Magic

  Grandma’s Bag of Stories

  To Lakshmi, my new daughter

  and Rishi, my new son

  Preface

  One may wonder why I am writing about the personal lives of many people who have confided in me about their problems. Isn’t it unethical to do so? However, most of the people I have written about requested me to change their names and use their problems as case studies. Some like Vishnu and Portado encouraged me to tell their stories so that others should not become like them. I thank all these people wholeheartedly and am grateful for their strength and kindness that has allowed me to share their stories with you.

  This is my fourth book of recollections of my experiences as a teacher, a writer and a social worker. I want to thank my new editor, Shrutkeerti Khurana, whose hard work has made an immense difference to this book. Her constant interaction with me made me think of some stories in a different way and also helped me look at things from a youngster’s point of view.

  I would also like to thank Udayan Mitra of Penguin Books for convincing me to bring out a new volume of my stories and thoughts.

  SUDHA MURTY

  Life’s Secret Lessons

  It was 1996. I knew that India had twenty-five states and seven union territories and that a majority of us spoke a total of thirty languages. Each state had its own culture, tradition, dress code and folk art. I was aware of the great sages and writers of the land and knew the names of most mountains and rivers of our country.

  That was my India as I knew it.

  After joining Infosys Foundation that year, I learnt that my perception of India was not India at all. My perception was only a statistical description of India. I realized that there is so much helplessness and poverty here. Poverty does not mean just a lack of money but also a lack of confidence. Money can be earned in life but confidence is easy to lose and very hard to gain back. I learnt lessons that no book could ever teach me and no Internet site could show me, because I had access to real people. Very few people have this privilege.

  Still, I usually never know the real opinion of most people I converse with. The reason is that people whom I do not give money to criticize me and people who hope to receive money from me say that I am great. So I have made many enemies and only a few true friends. Now I understand why people at the top are always lonely.

  My First Lesson

  At times, I feel that only children tell the truth and are the real judges of one’s talent. Once I was in Calcutta for the launch of a children’s book. Children from various schools came and attended the event. As a part of the book launch, I had to read a few stories from my book. When I started reading, a young boy got up and innocently said, ‘Aunty, you write well, but you don’t read well.’

  I looked at him. He was around twelve years old and had intelligent and sharp eyes. His teacher was about to hush him when I stopped her, ‘Please allow him to speak. Children are unbiased and clear in their thinking. They say the truth and the truth alone. Maybe the passage of time changes them. But for now, let him say whatever he wants to say.’

  Then I called the boy to me. I asked him, ‘Can you read the story for me?’

  ‘Of course, I can read it. I am an actor in my school and I know how to modulate the voice which you don’t do.’

  ‘I agree. I am not an actress. I am only a writer.’

  The child read the entire story with different modulations and I was quite impressed. I felt that I was meeting a genuine critic of my readings for the first time.

  That was my first lesson.

  My Second Lesson

  As part of my work for the Foundation, I travelled the corners of India, which I would not have done otherwise. Our team worked through five national natural disasters like the earthquake in Gujarat, the tsunami in Tamil Nadu and the Andamans, the drought in Maharashtra and Karnataka, floods in Odisha, Karnataka and Andhra Pradesh and hurricanes in Odisha.

  Every disaster taught me my second lesson. I learnt that there is a limitation to human power and achievements, and that even with money you cannot help everyone. You cannot substitute many things in life with money.

  My Third Lesson

  As I worked with the Foundation, my horizons changed. I met the poorest of the poor, the most talented artists, the victims of natural disasters and the most successful people who climbed the ladder with their hard work. I saw many ungrateful receivers as well. All of them became part of my big canvas. The amazing thing I saw was that, most times, what people presented outside was never how it was inside. The moment you went near, their carefully constructed image started falling apart.

  When someone cheated me, I got upset and angry. I usually called that person and scolded him or her. I expressed my anger and disappointment to them. Even now, I remember many experiences of children cheating parents, and vice versa. It was very disillusioning.

  A few years ago at the Foundation, we reserved Monday mornings to give money to poor people to buy medicines for cancer treatment. These people usually brought letters from cancer hospitals.

  One day, my car was near the entrance gate of our Foundation. I was waiting in the car for an umbrella since it had started raining. I looked around and noticed a car in front of me. A lady was sitting in the backseat of the car. I saw her remove her diamond earrings and then she got down from the car. I did not think much of it at the time. Soon I got my umbrella and went to my office. There I saw the same lady with a letter asking us for some cancer medicine. If the incident had happened ten years ago, I would have given her a piece of my mind. But now, I smiled at her and told her gently, ‘Sorry, madam. We can’t give money to you. Cancer medicines are much cheaper than diamond earrings. There are many people who require this free medicine more than you.’

  Now I look at life differently. Most people do not have the same values when they get money. Money changes a person completely. Very few people can withstand the lure of money and they are difficult to find. I have learnt that wherever there is money, people like to take advantage of the situation and maximize their return.

  My Fourth Lesson

  I have also received many life lessons from the poorest of the poor.

  On one of my trips, I was visiting a village. It was late evening and I stayed with a friend, Neerav,
who had a big house. His late grandfather was a well-known local language writer who had achieved great laurels during his lifetime. His grandmother kept talking about him and his awards. Neerav took me aside and said, ‘Sorry, my grandmother lives in the past. She does not understand that today many people have forgotten my grandfather even though he was a hero in the old days.’

  I asked him, ‘Will you show me the room with the awards that your grandmother described?’

  He took me upstairs and opened a room full of dust. Of course, there were many awards there, citations and medals. There was also a box full of shawls, and countless dusty volumes. He said, ‘When my grandfather was alive, people used to visit him all the time. All his colleagues are dead now. We have hundreds of photographs but we don’t recognize a single person in them. We have so many books and grandmother doesn’t even want to give them to a library. We don’t know what to do with his awards. We can’t keep them and neither can we throw them away. I live in Mumbai and have a small two-bedroom apartment. My children occupy one room and we occupy the other. I am the only heir to the family. Grandmother insists that I keep all these things; but I have realized that when a person passes away, what he may have collected materially over a period of time becomes irrelevant to the next generation. I can only keep one photograph of my grandfather. And maybe one of his books, as a memento. My children can’t even read and write our native language, even though they can speak it fluently. So his whole library is of no use to me. If my grandmother had allowed me to donate these books immediately after my grandfather’s death, at least some people from his generation would have read them. Now these books are useless.’

  Suddenly, I realized that this was my next lesson. If we keep collecting material things, it becomes a burden to the next generation. It is better that we reduce our cache while we are alive. This was a great message and I started practising it. Today, I immediately give away what I do not need.

  My Fifth Lesson

  During one of my train journeys, I met a lady. She hugged me and held my hand tightly. Then she sat next to me and said, ‘Oh, don’t you remember me? I am your classmate from Hubli. You used to share my lunch with me every day. I have read all your books.’

  I was very uncomfortable because I did not remember her and she was not letting go of my hand. But I thought that sometimes it is hard to recognize a person because of changes in external appearance due to age and passage of time.

  I told her, ‘I am sorry. I don’t remember you. However, it is nice to meet you.’

  The lady still would not leave me. At the end, she gave me a letter. She said, ‘My son is very intelligent and is going abroad for further studies. Can the Foundation help him?’

  This behaviour was not an exception because I receive such requests all the time. I have met many people who want to take advantage of the Foundation’s name and my position in it. I have learnt that whenever I meet a person, I should expect to get a letter from him or her soon asking for money. All of them remind me that I am like a water tap in a dry area—unthanked if it runs and cursed if it doesn’t. I have learnt to be patient and to recognize people’s intentions.

  My Sixth Lesson

  I was attending a music concert and I sat at the back because I thought that I could easily leave if I get bored. There were two well-dressed women wearing big diamond earrings sitting in front of me. Let’s call the first lady A and the second one B. I could see that they were from affluent families. They were quite loud in their conversation. So I could clearly hear what they were saying.

  A said to B, ‘My daughter is quite useless. I want her to work somewhere. Then it will be easy to say in the matrimonial market that she is working. But I don’t know who would employ her.’

  B replied, ‘Oh, don’t worry. Get her into teaching.’

  A said, ‘Oh, she tried. But the school sent her back.’

  They must have been best friends or sisters confiding in each other. A was behaving as if she was the student and B was the teacher.

  ‘Then tell her to start an NGO.’

  ‘Isn’t it hard to start an NGO and work for it?’ asked A with great concern.

  B confidently replied, ‘It is the easiest job in the world. I will give you an example. Look at Sudha Murty. She doesn’t have the brains and is not even talented. So she runs an NGO and has even made a name for herself. When she can run an NGO, anybody can run one.’

  I had to interrupt their conversation. So I tapped one of them on the shoulder.

  ‘Do you know Sudha Murty?’ I asked.

  Confidently, B said, ‘Of course.’ A seemed baffled but B looked confident. ‘Of course, we know her very well.’

  ‘When did you last meet her?’

  ‘This morning—and by the way, who are you?’

  Calmly, I replied, ‘I am Sudha Murty.’

  Without batting an eyelid, B gave me a big smile and said, ‘Oh, you have changed so much since morning. I didn’t even recognize you.’

  ‘No, I haven’t changed,’ I said, ‘because I never met you in the morning. I want to give you some unsolicited advice, because I really feel that you need it. When a doctor makes a mistake, a person goes six feet below the ground. When a judge makes a mistake, a person is hung six feet above the ground. But when a teacher makes a mistake, the entire batch of students is destroyed. Don’t ever look down on teachers. If you had good teachers, you wouldn’t be sitting here talking like this today. Don’t look down on social work either. Only a person with a compassionate heart and sound judgement can be a philanthropist. When a person in front of you is in need of help, you must decide in a short duration whether you should give money to that person or not, how much you should give and for how long. Understanding human beings is much more difficult than understanding computers. I will accept that I may not be intelligent but, more than that, you should know that you are stupid.’

  I walked out feeling brave and happy.

  From this incident, I learnt that I must always stand up for myself and follow my heart, even if other people do not always agree with me or like it.

  My Seventh Lesson

  My son, Rohan, taught me the most important lesson about public speaking.

  He said, ‘Amma, whenever you are on stage and are giving a speech, please remember that most people are not listening to you. Don’t be under the false impression that they have come to listen to you talking about your valuable experiences. They have come to see you because you are a well-known personality, a writer and, more important, it is very hard to meet you in real life. Most of the time you are touring and if you are in office, there are hurdles like security and personal assistants. They won’t allow just anyone to come and see you. The Foundation is not run on your personal money. It is corporate money and it’s like a honey pot. Wherever there is honey, human beings, ants and honeybees either want to suck it or hoard it for themselves. You are usually not guarded on stage. It is easy for people to give their applications directly to you. That is why they come to see you. Don’t let it go to your head.’

  I realized the value of this lesson and it has helped in keeping me balanced and grounded.

  Usually, I plug my ears when people exaggerate my qualities. I know what I am and I know my shortcomings. In the twelfth century, there was a famous poetess, Akka Mahadevi, who prayed to God and said, ‘Please make me deaf. That way, I won’t hear other sounds and can concentrate only on you.’ I follow her. So I switch my mind off during introduction sessions.

  Once I went to a function as a speaker and there were many important men and women on the stage with me. I mentally switched off as the introductions started. After some time, I heard everyone clapping. I thought that it would be bad manners not to clap and I clapped along with everybody. The person sitting next to me looked at me a bit funnily. I tried to focus on what was being said. The speaker was saying that the lady he was introducing had extraordinary qualities that only Goddess Saraswati could match. He continued praising the lady s
o I asked the person sitting next to me, ‘Do you know who he is talking about? Which of the speakers has these qualities? I don’t think I have ever met anyone like her. Have you met her?’

  He looked at me kindly and said, ‘He is talking about you.’

  I was really upset but I knew how to express my discomfort. When it was my turn to speak, I said, ‘Please discount my introduction. I am a very ordinary person and I am only here because situations and circumstances have led me here. I am just like any one of you.’

  But it did not really matter what I said, because Rohan was right. I still received fifty applications that day.

  My Eighth Lesson

  In 2005, I was in South Africa. I hired a taxi and decided to see the tourist spots in Cape Town. My cab driver was a friendly white man. He started talking to me as we travelled together.

  ‘Ma’am, my name is John. Are you from India?’

  I was more interested in looking outside the window of our moving car. So, I said briefly, ‘Yes, I am.’

  ‘Are you enjoying your visit to our country?’

  I said, ‘Of course. I am a big fan of history and there is so much to be learnt here. I feel like an excited explorer. South Africa is home to famous Nobel laureates such as Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu. I am really happy to be here.’

  ‘Ma’am, apart from great laureates, we are also home to other great leaders. There are leaders in South Africa who never won a medal or a prize, but they have left behind a legacy for thousands of years to come. My favourite is Mahatma Gandhi.’

  That perked my interest. I was baffled and curious at the same time. Mahatma Gandhi was a leader of my country, not South Africa. How could he say such a thing? I replied, ‘John, Mahatma Gandhi is Indian. He is the greatest leader of our country. I don’t mean to start a debate here but he is not South African at all. He spent a few years in South Africa during his lifetime but that doesn’t make him South African.’

  John started smiling. ‘Ma’am, when he came here, he was M.K. Gandhi. But he went back as Mahatma Gandhi. He learnt about the non-cooperative movement and the goodness of non-violence here. This became a fundamental tool of freedom struggle in your country. He didn’t just transform your country. He changed ours too. He is remembered and highly respected in South Africa. He is a world leader.’