The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  Since that first night together we haven’t spent a night apart, and I don’t know if I can fall asleep without him. It’s funny that he's become my everything without me being aware of it. I’ve had some of the best times of my life with him. He makes me laugh like no one else can. I remember the time we went to the cinema to see some cult horror movie he wanted to see and even after everything it still brings a smile to my face.

  I’ve never heard of the film before but Zeke’s been raving about it for days so I finally gave in and came with him. It’s the midnight showing and when we turned up there were only another four people here, which doesn’t give me much faith that it’s going to be any good. He’s undeterred, buying popcorn for us to share while he speaks nonstop about what I’m about to watch. It’s about a doll that’s possessed, only waking up at Halloween. I just nod a lot while listening, not really wanting to hurt his feelings by telling him that it sounds awful. We sit towards the back, Zeke joking that it’s so we can make out. When the screen goes dark I feel Zeke moving around next to me before putting his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close. He offers me popcorn a few times as we watch the incredibly bad film, but I say no because I don’t really like sweet popcorn. After about the sixth time of me turning him down he leans over and growls in my ear for me to ‘take some fucking popcorn’. I look him in the eye before reaching down and digging my hand into the large tub. He’s eaten about a quarter of the popcorn so I have to put my hand in further to get some. When I grab a handful and try to take it out, something in my hand won’t move, so I open my fist, dropping the popcorn and grabbing again. This time I get less sweet treat and more dick. I cry out in shock, making Zeke cover my mouth with his hand while giggling. He’d made a hole in the bottom of the tub and fed his fucking cock into it, waiting for me to grab it. We had such a laugh about it, but that soon led to groaning as I gave him what he craved right in the middle of the movie. He said it was the best visit to the cinema he’d ever had.

  He did lots of things like that, always trying to put a smile on my face. No matter my mood he would be there with a joke or just that gorgeous smile he would give me when no one else was looking. I think that’s what I’ll miss the most. His smile, it could light up a room without him ever trying. I'm also going to miss talking to him, just spending the time with a friend and being able to talk about anything.

  Why am I lying to myself? I'm going to miss everything about him.

  As I fall asleep I already know that I've lost him because if he wanted me he would be with me now, no matter who found out. I knew his job was important to him but I thought given time, he would accept that he’s a gay man, or at least admit he was bi. I suppose it’s better that I find out now that what people think will always be more important than me.

  Chapter 14

  I feel like I'm dying. My hangover is in full flow as I stand leaning against the running machine. I grab my water and down it, hoping that maybe this will clear my head. I was surprised that I managed to make it in on time this morning, but I shouldn’t have worried since Zeke is now an hour late. I wonder if he's going to show or hide from me again. I throw my empty bottle towards the bin, groaning when it misses completely. It means I’ll need to bend down and pick it up.

  I drag myself across to the bottle, moving slowly to grab it and throw it in the bin, silently cheering to myself when it goes in this time. Just as I turn to walk back to the running machine I see Zeke coming through the front door and my heart crashes to my feet. I knew I’d see him today. I’d braced myself for it, knowing that I would need to suck it up and get on with my job, but I didn’t expect this. The scene in front of me makes me want to run away this time. Asha’s giggle reaches me as she snuggles into Zeke’s side, her head burrowing into his neck as he kisses the top of her head. They have their arms wrapped around each other looking like the picture perfect couple. At least now I can stop worrying that he's drank himself into a coma or ended up in a ditch. Apparently while I spent the night worrying about him, he was proving to himself and the world that he was straight by being between Asha’s legs. I turn away, unable to watch them anymore but the universe apparently wants to make me suffer today.

  “Hey, Bryce!” Asha shouts across the gym and I lock a smile in place before I turn around. She looks really happy but Zeke won’t meet my eyes.

  Fucking coward.

  “Afternoon, Asha. How are you today?” I'm determined to be polite. It’s not her fault that Zeke’s acting this way and using her to prove a point to himself. I actually feel sorry for her. He’ll go back to being the closed off person he was before, who hides a huge part of himself from everyone, eventually.

  She giggles before she answers, pulling Zeke closer to her. “I'm so good. I’ve had the best few hours.” She looks up at Zeke shyly and then back to me. “I don’t know if I'm meant to tell you, but Zeke and me are now an official couple.”

  And just like that my world collapses around me. I stare at Zeke, daring him to look at me but he leans down and whispers something into Asha’s ear. She gives me a little wave before walking off towards the locker room. I turn and start to walk away but he grabs my arm, stopping me.

  I don’t even turn to him as I talk, trying to keep my voice low and even. “Get the fuck off me.”

  He doesn’t listen, moving closer behind me. “Bryce, please.”

  I pull my arm out of his hold, refusing to listen to anything he has to say. I hear him call after me as I leave the gym. My only thought is of escape, I need to get away from Zeke before I do something I regret.

  I wanted to cover Asha’s mouth the minute she started talking to Bryce. The last thing I wanted was for her to go blabbing about what we’d done together. I knew he would find out, but I was hoping that when he did I wouldn’t be there to see the look of utter devastation on his face. When she spoke he looked like he was in physical pain, as if something was tearing apart inside him. I wasn’t planning on talking to him today but when he was leaving, I reached for him out of instinct. Touching him had brought me peace but I can’t think about that anymore. I can’t think how Bryce makes my past feel less important, that everything I went through doesn’t need to influence who I am today, or how he settles my racing mind with just being near me. He has this ability to make me feel that I'm enough, that maybe I could be loved. That doesn’t matter now. My feelings don’t come into account. I need to move on with my life and be the person they all expect.

  That’s why I ended up at Asha’s house last night. I needed to feel like I did before Bryce arrived. She opened her front door and even though I felt how wrong it was, feeling it deep in my bones, I went inside and fucked her. I think I needed to prove something to myself, but now that I've seen Bryce I'm not even sure what it was. After having sex with her I got straight in the shower, needing time to myself to sort out what I was feeling and to wash away the memory of her touch. The whole thing felt wrong, like I was cheating on Bryce, and I suppose I was. I swore to him that I wouldn’t be with anyone else while we were together, then at the first sign of trouble and I run from him straight into someone else’s arms.

  “Fuck!” I turn to go after Bryce but Asha comes back from the locker room with the gloves I asked her to get for me. I don’t really need them, but I needed to get her to leave in case Bryce said something. Deep down I knew he wouldn’t, even though I’ve been a bastard to him he wouldn’t ever say anything that would affect my career or me.

  “Here you go, baby.” She runs her empty hand over my back and it takes everything in me not to shudder under her touch.

  I turn and kiss her head like a good boyfriend would do. “Thanks. I need to go and do something. Can you get yourself home?” I drove her here, and I won’t abandon her if she can’t get another way home.

  “Is everything okay?”

  I force a fake smile, not wanting her to see that I'm getting closer to falling apart. I feel like my nerves are buzzing and I need to move, need to go after Bryce and sort thi
s out. “Yeah, it’s all good. I just need to rush off and sort something out, something that can’t wait.”

  She gets a funny look on her face before she smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I can get a lift home with Jenny. Will I see you later?”

  I lean forward and give her a kiss on the lips. “Of course. I’ll be at your place for dinner.” I turn and leave, not even looking back as I follow the man who has my heart. I need to talk to him, try to explain why I'm doing this. I just hope he's willing to listen to me.

  I bang on his door again, planning on making as much noise as possible until he answers. I know he's in there, his car’s in the driveway and it hasn’t moved because I blocked it in with my truck. I had visions of him sneaking out the back door and driving away as I knocked.

  “I know you’re in there, Bryce. I'm not leaving until you talk to me.” I hear movement from inside but the door still doesn’t open. “Please let me in, I need to talk to you.”

  I hear a thump on the other side of the door before I hear him. “The time to talk was last night, Zeke. Where were you then?”

  I lean my head against the door, making the same noise he made a few moments before and I wonder if we are mirroring each other’s positions. “Please, I don’t want to do this through a door.”

  There’s silence and I think he's gone and left me standing here on my own. I'm about to start banging again when I hear the lock click, the sound making me both excited and scared. I know that we need to talk and clear the air but I'm scared shitless about what I can actually say to explain.

  I open the door just a little since I’m worried that something might be thrown at my head. The hall is empty with no sign of Bryce at all. I would shout out to him but I'm pretty sure he won’t reply. I walk through his living room and see that it’s also empty, so I continue on to the kitchen. There’s no point checking his bedroom, I know there’s no chance he’ll be in there. I walk into the kitchen and see him leaning up against the kitchen unit, his arms crossed against his chest. He might have looked hurt earlier in the gym but there’s no trace of that now on his face. All I see is anger glaring out of his eyes.

  I lean on the unit across from him, I know I need to start the conversation but I'm not sure how to go about. Maybe I should start with the obvious. “I'm sorry, Bryce.”

  He gives a humorless laugh at my words and I know this isn’t going to be as easy as I hoped. “What are you sorry about? Running, pretending I don’t exist, having me worry all night about where you were… or for fucking someone else?”

  I flinch at his words, feeling them deep in my gut. I didn’t let myself think of how he was feeling last night, that he might be worried about me. I just thought about losing myself inside Asha’s body.

  “I got scared. Dwayne saw us, he fucking saw us.” I can feel the same panic as yesterday start to build. It’s crawling under my skin making me feel like I need to scrub myself clean.

  “He saw what, Zeke? And even if he saw you bending me over and fucking me, you could have talked to me and told me how you were feeling. Instead you went and sunk yourself into the first female body you could find. Tell me, have you been fucking her the whole time you’ve been with me?”

  I can’t believe he's asking me this. Does he really think I would cheat on him? Okay, technically I did but who the fuck does he think he is to doubt me? One night of second thoughts doesn’t mean the whole thing was a lie.

  I stand from the unit, moving towards him. “How the fuck can you ask me that? Everything I've done over the past few months has been centered around you, and now you doubt me? I know I said I didn’t want to label what we have, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t trying, our relationship is important.”

  He stands, mimicking my stance as he gets in my face, anger seeping out his pores. “How was Asha last night?”

  I feel my face heat with embarrassment. I can’t deny I spent the night with her, he saw it pretty much first hand earlier.

  “What, you can’t remember or you don’t want to tell me? Then tell me this, can she please you the way I do? Scratch the itches you don’t like to admit you have?”

  He has a right to be angry. I keep trying to tell myself that as he shouts abuse at me. Shame floods through my body knowing how much I’ve hurt him. I can see the pain on his face, hear it seeping through his angry tone. I’ve done the one thing I promised I wouldn’t and now I'm arguing with him like I think it’s his fault.

  “I know you're angry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just think that we need to take a break. I need to focus on training and winning the tournament. I think that’s the only thing I should be thinking about right now.”

  He flinches like I've just hit him. I want to erase the look of pain on his face and never see it there again. It’s tearing me apart to say all this to him, to pretend that what we have isn’t important to me, when in reality it’s the best thing that’s ever happened. I just know it can’t go anywhere, that there’s no way I can be gay in the world of MMA. Half the fighters would refuse to go up against me and I would be pushed out. I have worked my whole life for the chance to be the best and I won’t ruin it, not for anyone. I’ve lived my life so far denying who I am, now I just have to become a master at it.

  “You’d throw me away just like that? After months of getting to know each other, all the fun we had together, all of the times we made love together, and I'm gone as easily as that. Fuck, I actually thought we might be going somewhere. I’m such a fucking idiot, you were using me to fulfill some urge you have, and now you’ve done that I'm gone. Does it even matter to you how I feel? That maybe I get a say in what happens?”

  I want to reach out to him and tell him that it’s for the best but I know I don’t have the right. Everything he's saying makes complete sense to me, I'm making the decision for both of us and, as unfair as it is, it’s the way it needs to be. If I make the decision now it won’t hurt as much in the long run.

  “This is for the best, Bryce. It never would’ve gone anywhere.”

  I feel my heart shatter in my chest when tears swarm his eyes. His shoulders fall and I can almost feel all the fight leave his body. “After everything we’ve done together, I can’t believe you don’t want me. You’re the first person I’ve let in since Austin, the only one I let in when I was sure I should spend my life alone.”

  I instinctively move closer to him, needing to make him feel better. I know it doesn’t make any sense but I need him stop hurting because when I see him like this it creates an ache in my heart, making it hard to keep my distance. I reach out and cup his face, feeling the warmth of his cheek as he leans into my hand.

  He opens his eyes and looks up at me with pleading eyes. “Why are you doing this? If you don’t want me then why are you touching me? Why make me feel like this is still something you want. What do you want, Zeke?”

  I need to be honest with him. Maybe if I tell him how I feel he will understand. I need him to understand that this is hard for me, and if I could walk away from him without hurting him I would.

  “Do I want to touch you? Yes. Do I want to taste you? More than anything. But I can’t, it’s not who I am. Why can’t you understand? Being with you is not that simple.”

  He pulls away from my touch and I miss him instantly. He looks deep into my eyes as he speaks. “That’s the thing, Zeke. It really is that simple.” He goes to walk past me and I grab him again.

  “Don’t fucking walk away, I'm not done yet.” I don’t even register what’s happening until it’s too late. His fist moves quicker than I could have ever imagined and hits me square on the cheek. The power behind it is surprising and it makes me stagger backwards. I hold my face, taking a few seconds to clear my vision before I can look at him. Fuck, this guy can hit.

  “Get out my fucking house.” It’s the only thing he says before disappearing into the hall. A few seconds later his bedroom door slams shut and with it goes any chance I had of keeping the man of my dreams.

  I
pace across my bedroom floor until I hear my front door slam. I hit him. I can’t believe I actually hit him. I didn’t mean to, he was just throwing so many mixed messages at me. One minute he didn’t want me, and then the next he did but couldn’t be with me. I needed to get away from him and clear my head but then he tried to stop me and I just reacted. It was a reflex to his tone of voice he used from my fighting days. I haven’t hit anyone properly since my last fight. I’ve sparred but that’s not what this was, I wanted to hurt him as much as he’d hurt me. I wanted to smash his face in and hope that Asha wouldn’t want Mr. Pretty Boy anymore.

  I collapse onto my bed and stare at the ceiling while I decide what’s going to happen. Zeke was always going to be a flight risk. I should have known better and then there’s the added problem of him being my boss. Shit, I’m going to need to find a new place to work. Maybe I should take Dwayne up on his offer to work with him, if that’s even on the table anymore. The only problem with that is that I don’t want to work with him, I want to work with Zeke. He’s an amazing fighter and I want to be part of the team even if it will hurt to look at him everyday. Luckily, Eddie doesn’t know about our relationship and even though Zeke technically employs me, my contract says that only Eddie can fire me. So unless Zeke wants to go to him with a reason to get rid of me, I still have a job. I don’t plan on quitting that’s for sure. No way am I going to make it easy for Zeke. I'm going to stay right where I am and make him look at my face every single day. Make him live with what he did to me. I just hope that it’ll make him suffer. I don’t want to be the only one in pain.

  Feeling determined, I get up off the bed and get changed into my running gear. I refuse to drown my sorrows in another bottle of alcohol. I refuse to give him that power over me. I will work out, run until my body is exhausted and then I’ll sleep. Tomorrow when I get up, I will go to work and be professional. There will be nothing between us other than me being his coach. Exiting my house, I push my earphones into my ears and take off up the street. My feet pound the pavement in time with the music and I feel light. Exercise always makes me feel better, it clears my mind like nothing else, well other than sex but that’s the last thing on my mind just now. I need to get back into this. I missed a lot of running recently, preferring to spend time with Zeke. I just need to get my routine organized and spend more time on myself again. Maybe I should Google for gay bars around here and look for a little fun of my own. I'm not usually into one-night stands but maybe it’s just the thing I need to get me over Zeke. My chest hurts to even think about being with someone other than him, but I need to move on. It’s time to be Bryce again, whoever he may be.