The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  Chapter 15

  I flinch as Jason’s glove catches me on the side of the face again. I swear this black eye will take a month to go away if people don’t quit hitting it.

  “Where’s your form, Zeke? Come on. Pretend you know how to fight.”

  I turn and glare at Bryce, wanting nothing more than to return the favor and blacken his eye. He’s been pissing me off for the last week. Actually it’s been since the day after I went to his house. I was worried about training the morning after, not sure how we would be with each other, but Bryce turned up with a smile and acted like nothing had happened. I think it’s pissing me off that he doesn’t look like this is affecting him at all. I'm tired and completely off my game, but he looks as amazing as always. I don’t know if it’s my imagination or not, but he looks more toned now than he had when we were together, and he's changed his hair. He's wearing it shorter at the sides and it looks as sexy as fuck. All I can think about is how he might have someone new in his life, someone special. I know I can’t say anything since I'm with Asha, but I don’t want Bryce with anyone but me. This is what’s upsetting me the most. I didn’t think he would get on with his life so quickly without me. I was the one who’d left. I was the one who wasn’t meant to hurt.

  I see Asha walking towards the ring and I go back to trying to get my shit together. I’ve been struggling to get my head sorted for so long now that I'm beginning to worry that I’ll lose my next fight. I have just over a week to get my head out my ass, and I'm hoping that when I do what I have planned tonight, that my mind will be able to concentrate. There will be no going back after it’s done. I will just need to live with the consequences. Another punch to the ribs steals my breath and I hear Bryce shouting from behind me. Something needs to happen before I lose everything.

  I pull at the collar of my shirt, feeling like it’s trying to strangle me. I never thought I would be in this situation, doing this has never been in my life plan. I feel my leg shake under the table and I try to hold it still, hoping that if I manage that then my nerves will go away.

  I look over to Asha as she eats her dessert. It’s nice in here, a little too fancy for my liking but I needed to make tonight special. If I'm going to live a lie with her I need to give her everything she could want. I’ll love her the best I can and give her the life she wants, the one she deserves. I take a deep breath and slip from my seat, getting down on one knee in front of Asha. I have given this a lot of thought and even though I don’t love her, I'm sure she likes me enough to become my wife. I need a good cover just in case Dwayne tells someone what he saw, and I know he will if I make it to the final with him again. This is the most logical thing to do: marry a woman that I like. I know I’ll never love her, but who really falls in love these days? You find someone you're compatible with and do the best with that. I think I’ll be happy with Asha. She makes me smile and has been a good friend for a long time. I'm pretty sure I was always her end game, even if she slept with the other fighters it was always me she came back to.

  She lets out a little squeal as she watches me take the ring out of my pocket. I've practiced my little speech quite a lot to try and get it to sound remotely believable.

  “Asha, you’ve been my friend for so long. I think we could make a great couple, and I'm wondering if you would do me the honor of marrying me?” I can’t even bring myself to say that I love her. Maybe one day I’ll be able to do it, but today I just can’t.

  She squeals again as she throws her arms around me, kissing all over my face and repeating ‘yes’ over and over again. I push her back slightly and place the large diamond ring on her finger. She has tears in her eyes and looks so happy. I hope I can keep making her happy like this. We both return to our chairs and she reaches over and takes my hand.

  “Thank you for asking me, Zeke. I love you so much, but I honestly didn’t think you saw me that way. I’ve dreamed of this moment for so long.”

  I’ve only been in an ‘official’ relationship with her for a few weeks now, but I would try anything to get my life back on track. Maybe if I settle down, commit to someone that I can take out in public with me, I’ll be able to organize everything else. I'm pretty sure my mum married my dad because she had to. I never once saw them being affectionate with each other. This will just be like that. We can be companions.

  “I hope you don’t mind that it’s quick. I was always told if you believe in something then why wait? And I do believe we can be good together.”

  She looks down at the ring on her finger, sucking her lip into her mouth. “Do you love me, Zeke?” It was the last thing I expected her to ask and I don’t know how to answer it. Starting an engagement admitting I'm not in love with her might not be the best route. I try to avoid answering, hoping she won’t notice.

  I lean down and kiss the ring on her finger. “I would do anything for you, baby.” The name gets stuck in my throat, it feels wrong saying it to anyone but Bryce. I don’t even know when I started calling him baby, but I know that now I can’t call him it, it hurts.

  She smiles at me, obviously accepting my answer and I'm relieved. I really do want to make this work and have some semblance of a happy life with her. I just need to get over the pain of leaving Bryce and I will be able to live my life somewhat happy. Please let it happen soon.

  Asha leans over me, kissing down my neck and bites my shoulder. I keep my eyes on my bedroom ceiling, trying to get in the mood.

  “Baby, you’re so sexy.” Her hand brushes down over my chest and lands on my very limp cock. I haven’t had enough to drink to fake this with her. I close my eyes and focus on the feeling of her hand on me, the stroking that should be getting me hard. Thankfully, I feel my cock twitch to life.

  “I didn’t think this was alive.” She giggles and I can feel myself going soft again. Shit, she needs to stop talking or it isn’t going to happen. Her fingers wrap around my balls and she sucks my cock into her mouth. I groan in pleasure, instantly going rock hard. She’s always been great at blowjobs and she can suck like no other woman I know. Most try to be gentle, but not Asha, she likes to let you know she's there. She hums around me, causing a shiver to run through my whole body.

  Fuck that feels really good.

  I grab her hair, pushing her further down onto me. My mind starts to drift, imagining shorter hair, rough stubbled cheeks. I push her harder until I can feel my tip hit the back of her throat. I want to clear the thoughts that are trying to invade my mind, the thoughts of a certain guy’s lips around my cock, the thoughts that are threatening to make me explode in her mouth. Asha is pretty relaxed when it comes to oral. You can fuck her mouth as rough as you want but you can’t come inside, that’s her limit and I want to respect it. I try not to think of watching my cum hitting Bryce’s tongue, of him sucking every last drop from me as I struggled to breathe. I pull on Asha’s hair, pulling her mouth off me as I explode on her chest. I reach down and stroke myself through my orgasm, the strength of my release making my muscles quiver.

  I collapse back onto my pillow and stare at the ceiling. That was close. It crept up on me without any warning. Just the thought of Bryce made me lose control. I have to remind myself that I can’t think of him while I'm with Asha. It’s not fair on her and apparently it’s too much for me to cope with. I feel Asha move up my body and I feel bad, I finished without giving her anything in return and that’s not the way I do things.

  When she’s level with me, I roll her over so I'm on top. I kiss her as I slip my fingers inside her, scissoring them so they rub over her g-spot. Her back rises off the bed and I know I'm hitting it. I use my thumb to rub over her clit, pressing just enough to make her squeal. I'm happy when it doesn’t take long until she's coming around my fingers. Every time I'm with her it feels wrong. I thought it would get easier, that I would eventually get over the feeling that this isn’t who I'm meant to be with but it doesn’t, it just gets worse. I kiss her shoulder and collapse back to the bed, feeling a little awkward. It’s always li
ke this for me once I've been with her, and I have to resist the urge to rush to the bathroom to shower. I need to get myself under control, I can’t have her feeling that something’s wrong.

  I feel her get off the bed and hear her walk into the bathroom for a few minutes before climbing back into bed, lying close to me but not touching.

  “Is everything okay? You seem a little … distant.”

  I turn my head to look at her. She looks so innocent lying there with her head resting on her hand. How can a girl who does such naughty things look so fucking innocent?

  “I think I'm just tired, I haven’t been sleeping well. Maybe I was nervous about asking you tonight?”

  She smiles at me, her eyes looking dreamy. I need to try harder with her, to make her feel as important as she should.

  “Go to sleep now.” I kiss her forehead before turning away. I spend the next few hours trying to fall asleep, all the while wishing there was another set of arms around me.

  I watch Zeke as he punches the bag in front of him. His timing is off and I have to admit that he looks like shit. His technique has been suffering recently and he needs to get it under control before next week. It’s an important fight, one that will get him a place in the semi-final for the belt. He needs to win this or he's done for the year and if that happens, I'm not sure if he can come back from it. The crowd has his back after his injury, but I'm not sure they will hang around for him if he loses. We have been building up the anticipation of a rematch with Dwayne, but he still needs to earn his spot in the final.

  “What the fuck is up with you? Your fighting hasn’t been worth shit for a while now. Get it together for fuck’s sake.” I can’t help but raise my voice when I talk to him. He needs to get his head out his arse. He starts punching harder, his anger showing. Good. I want him to get angry, I want him to feed off it so that he pushes himself harder, fights cleaner, does what he's been training for years for. The sweat starts pouring down his back and he suddenly stops, grabbing the bag and resting his head against it.

  I walk over to him, getting as close to him as I feel comfortable. “What is it?”

  He knocks his head against the bag a few times before tilting his head to look at me. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

  Every athlete gets a moment when they doubt their abilities, when they don’t think they’re good enough to win. Maybe this is what he’s struggling with. Is he seriously doubting himself?

  “You can do this. You’ve been training for months and your last match was over in minutes.” I cringe as I think about his last fight, the last day I was allowed to kiss and touch him. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before continuing. “You just need to get your focus back. I have full faith in you, you can do it.”

  He keeps looking at me and sadness appears in his eyes. “That’s not what I meant.”

  Now he has me really confused. It’s like he's talking in riddles that I can’t work out. “Zeke, what’s wrong?” I can’t help him if he doesn’t tell me what’s bothering him. I need to know what’s going on in his head in order to get him over it.

  “I miss you.”

  Time stops and I'm sure that my heart skips dozens of beats. How can he say that to me? He misses me. I step back from him, putting some much needed distance between us. I've been masking my feelings so well for the last few weeks, making it appear that life is just fantastic. No one would know that I spend most of my evenings working out, doing anything to make myself sleep.

  “Zeke, don’t.”

  He stands up straight and turns towards me. “I know, but that’s how I'm feeling. Things are going to change now, but I needed you to know that no matter what, I miss you.”

  I'm about to ask him what he means when I hear Asha shouting his name. He turns and walks away without a glance at me. I see her talking to some of the other fighters as Zeke disappears into the locker room. I start to clean up the equipment we were using when Asha’s words drift over to me.

  “And then he got down on one knee and proposed. Can you believe it? I'm going to be Mrs. Zeke Raine. I’m so fucking excited.”

  I drop everything I’m holding as my fingers suddenly feel numb. My legs give out from below me and I collapse onto the bench behind me. He's getting married. He's going to prove to the world that he's straight by marrying a woman. I can still hear the murmur of voices but the words aren’t making it through the ringing in my ears.

  I don’t know how long I sit there but when I look around the gym is empty. I make a decision and I get up from the bench before walking into the locker room. I stop by my locker and begin packing up everything I've accumulated in there during my time here. I leave nothing, closing the door quietly behind me when I leave.

  I make my way to Eddie’s office, knocking on the door before entering. “Can I have a word Eddie?”

  He looks up from the paperwork in front of him and nods. I don’t think I've ever seen him not doing some kind of paperwork. He seems to spend his whole day in here trapped under mountains of letters and printouts.

  “What’s up?”

  I take a seat across from him, putting my bag at my feet. His eyes move down to it before he looks back at me. I haven’t had a chance to think about what I'm going to say to him, I just know I need to do it. “I'm sorry to have to do this, Eddie. But I need to leave.”

  He scrunches up his eyebrows, a confused look crossing his face. “No one stopping you, son.”

  Shit, he doesn’t get what I'm trying to say. I need to make myself really clear so I can get out of here. “No, I mean I quit. I'm sorry to leave you without any notice, but I can’t work here anymore.”

  He leans forward and rests his arms on his desk. “Can I ask why?”

  I shake my head, knowing there’s no way that I can tell him about Zeke and me. No matter how much I’ve come to hate him, I will never give away his secret. “You can ask, but I don’t have an answer for you. Let’s just say that circumstances say I need to go. It’s better for everyone that I go now before my work suffers.”

  He sits in silence for a few moments before leaning back, steepling his hands in front of his face. “Fair enough. Is there anything I can do to make you stay? I’d hate to lose you, you are one of the best coaches we’ve had.”

  I stand from my seat, reaching my hand over the desk to give to Eddie who stands and shakes it.

  “I wish I could stay, I wanted to see Zeke win this tournament, but I just can’t. You have my mobile number, call me if you need anything, I’ll still be in the area for a while.” I smile at him before I leave his office, taking one final look around the gym that’s become my home.

  I stand at the bar and look out over the dance floor. After finding out about Zeke’s impending nuptials, I decided that I needed to move on once and for all. He’s never coming back to me so I need to find some nice guy to get to know, either for the night or for longer. This is the first gay bar I've been to since coming to America and it feels very different from at home. The club looks similar, but there’s a more relaxed welcoming feeling. I take another drink as my eyes work their way along the hot bodies that are lined up against the railing surrounding the dance floor. They stop moving when they land on a young blonde guy with a really nice arse. I'm thinking of making my move when a body moves close to mine, too close to be an accident. I turn to see another sexy blonde standing smiling at me. His eyes drop to my lips as I lick over them. He has nice eyes, blue and intense, like they could see right through to your soul.

  He leans in, talking loudly so I can hear him. “Hi, you’re new here.”

  I nod my head at him, not even attempting to speak over the music.

  “My name’s Brent. Do you want to go somewhere a little more quiet?” Do I? I think I need to try this and clear my memories of Zeke, to erase the feeling of his body against mine. I nod and follow him as he makes his way across the club. We exit through the main door and I follow him down the street a little. He disappears up an alley, making me stop for
a second before I follow.

  He's standing leaning against the wall, watching me as I approach. “Are you gonna tell me your name?”

  I'm pretty sure that this is going nowhere after tonight, so names aren’t needed. I shake my head, walking over to him and kissing him. His lips are soft and he tastes like apples when I suck on his tongue but it just feels wrong. I don’t have time to think as he pushes me back, his hands on my chest, until my back hits the opposite wall. Without hesitation Brent crouches in front of me and undoes my zip. I feel myself harden as he pulls my dick from my trousers, licking up the underside before sucking the tip into his mouth. I've never done this before, the abrupt and impersonal nature of it takes me by surprise. I was used to the build up with Zeke, the way he teased my body before he took me to heaven, but not this guy.

  He sucks me deep into his throat and I grab his hair to keep myself standing. What he’s doing is almost too much for me to handle, and I'm torn between enjoying this for what it is and stopping what he's doing. I don’t know what he’ll expect from me after this. Do I need to return the favor? Firm hands cup my balls and I cry out, the noise echoing through the alley. My head drops back to the wall until I'm looking at the sky. The feeling of his tongue running over my balls has pleasure rocketing through my body. I didn’t know if I would get into this, now I don’t know if I will be able to hold on. My hips start to thrust of their own accord, hitting Brent’s throat as I set a punishing pace. The only thing on my mind is my impending orgasm, to be able to come in his mouth and purge this feeling from inside me.