The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  I need to do something. I need time to think about what’s happened, to get it clear in my head. I need to get him out of my office before I do something stupid, but now that I've found him again I don’t know if I can make him leave. I can’t help but stare at his mouth, to remember what it felt like against mine as I made love to him. I lean in to him, not even thinking of the consequences of my actions as I lick over his lips and take full advantage as he opens with a gasp. I kiss him like it’s going to be the last time, which even as much as it hurts to think it, this will be. I can’t allow this to happen again, he lied to me about who he was, and even though it didn’t bother me before, now I know he works here I'm pissed off. He should have told me who he was so I could make my own decision about what I was doing.

  I feel myself harden as I run my tongue over his, loving the moan that comes from him as I take control of the kiss. I pull back, putting a little bit of distance between us so that I can look at him. His eyes are half closed, a dreamy look over his face that makes me want to bend him over the desk and have him one last time, but I can’t. I cup his cheek, allowing myself one last touch of his soft skin.

  “I could kiss you all fucking day, but I don’t trust you. Now get the fuck out of my office, I don’t want to see your face again.”

  The look of shock over his face cuts me deep in my chest, making me feel like shit, but I need to stop this thing now.

  I pace the floor in Nathan’s house, trying to calm myself down. Ever since Roman walked out of my office I’ve wanted to hit something, or get drunk, or possibly both. I can’t believe that I didn’t know that my dream guy, the one who I wanted to know more about, was actually under my nose the whole time. I think that’s why I'm so angry now, because someone managed to keep me in the dark. The lawyer in me feels like I should have guessed straight away, it’s what I pride myself on, seeing the obvious when no one else does.

  “So, let me get this right. Romeo is actually Roman, the guy from your office?”

  I’ve told Nathan the answer to this a dozen times, but he doesn’t seem to be able to grasp the whole thing. “Yes it’s the same guy.” I walk to the bar across the room and grab my glass of Scotch, downing it in one go before refilling. I turn and look at Nathan, not liking how silent he is, and I have to laugh at the look of confusion on his face. I can’t say I blame him; if I was the one listening to this story I wouldn’t believe it for a second.

  “Can you explain something for me? How the fuck did you not know it was the same guy? I just don’t get that, you fucked him so I'm pretty sure you looked him in the face, but hey, I might be wrong with that. How do gay guys do it?” I cringe as he speaks, but know that in between the crudeness he has a good point. I know how I didn’t know it was him, and it’s embarrassing to admit.

  “Yes I looked him in the face, gay men don’t only get taken from behind … even though that is really fun.”

  Nathan holds up his hand, stopping me from giving him any more details. I smile at his reaction, happy to know that even with my own problems I can get a reaction from him.

  “I never saw him in the light, it was always in a dark room or an alleyway. He also wears glasses at work, he doesn’t look the same as he does at the club.” I try to make my voice sound stronger, to pretend I'm not cringing as each word leaves my mouth.

  He clicks his fingers like he's finally worked something out. Whatever is going through his head can’t be good. “Why didn’t you say that before? It explains exactly why you didn’t know it was him. He’s fucking superman.” He smiles and it’s my turn to look confused. What the hell is he talking about? Why is Roman Superman?

  “You know, when Clark Kent takes his glasses off no one recognizes him.” He has a smug look on his face that I instantly want to punch him. He puts one hand on his chest and punches the other one onto the air while humming the Superman theme. I walk over and shove him on the chest, making him knock into the table behind him. I continue walking and collapse onto his couch, letting a loud groan out as he laughs at me.

  “Seriously, I don’t get how you didn’t recognize him.”

  I take another drink, hoping that it will eventually make me forget how fucked up this whole thing is. I don’t know what to say to him, but it’s not like I had coffee with Roman every day.

  “I only saw him in the office a few times, and most of those times he didn’t look at me. He's quiet and shy, he would run a mile if anyone spoke to him. All I know about him at the firm is he's an amazing worker, but that means the other partners want to work with him. I swear this was the first time he’s been in my office. What the fuck am I going to do?” I cover my eyes with my arm, blocking out the world in hopes that all my problems might disappear. I'm not that lucky, and unfortunately my best friend doesn’t seem to want to help with any good ideas either.

  “Can’t you just keep sleeping with him? I mean you said he was amazing, the best you’d had, so just go wild. No one needs to know.”

  I can feel my dick thicken in my pants as my thoughts drift to Romeo, shit, Roman. I'm finding it hard to connect all my sexy, dirty memories of Romeo to Roman, the really shy guy from my office.

  “I can’t do that, I can’t sleep with an employee. I just can’t.” I sit forward and empty my glass. I shouldn’t drink too much tonight. I need to go into the office tomorrow to sort out this case and I don’t want to do it with a hangover. Even with this thought in my head, I stand up and walk to the bar to refill my glass. I just want to feel numb. I want to forget how much I still want Roman, even though I know I shouldn’t.

  Chapter 7

  I waited until Trey left before I went back and sneaked into his office, turning on the small desk light before sitting down. I don’t even know why I'm here, if I'm caught I will be fired for sure, and if Trey comes back it will only add to his suspicions. I can’t believe that he thought I was with him so I could blackmail him. Who does that sort of thing? It makes me wonder what sort of people he's had in his life in the past. Has someone done that sort of thing to him before?

  I look around his desk, trying to find any clues about what he called me into his office for. I know that Quincy had messed something up but I don’t know what it was since I never got that far in the conversation with Trey. There’s nothing on the desk to show me what it might be, in fact, there is nothing on it other than a desk mat and the lamp. It’s spotless, and going by the way that Trey works and looks, I'm not shocked in the slightest. I don’t think I've ever seen him looking anything less than perfect. I was hoping to come in and help him catch up with what he needed done, try to make up for the fact I ruined his plans for the evening.

  I sit back in his chair and close my eyes. I picture him sitting here, looking as sexy as hell as he takes on the world. Before I met him in the club I used to come up with excuses to go past his office, hoping his blinds would be open so I could see him. He has this habit of biting the top of his pen, and never before have I wanted to be a piece of stationary as badly as when I watch that. He gets this cute look when he reads, his mouth scrunches up to the side and he bites his lip; it makes him look confused but so freaking hot.

  It’s not the first time that I've been caught staring by one of the juniors, and it seems to be a common joke now with the other staff. I was worried that someone would let it slip in front of Trey, but now I wonder if it would have been better if they had. If he knew that I liked him before all this, maybe he would realize that I was only with him for one reason, and only that one reason alone. Because it was him.

  I grab a notepad and pen from the messenger bag at my feet, opening it to a clean page before deciding what to write. I know it’s probably a bad idea to put pen to paper, to give Trey evidence to use if he wants to get rid of me, but I need a chance to explain. I want him to know why I did what I did, and this is the only way I can think of explaining. So, I start writing, letting everything I feel come out in the words on the page.

  Dear Trey,

  I know you
probably don’t want to hear from me but I needed to explain some things to you. I thought it would be easier to do it in a letter, you have this way of making me mix up my words when I'm around you.

  The night I met you at the club I knew exactly who you were, even without seeing the card, I knew. There was no way I could miss you, I've spent the last year watching you in the office. You probably didn’t noticed me though, I try not to stand out too much. I just keep my head down and do my work the best I can. I noticed you from the day I started working here, you were wearing your blue suit with the red tie. I thought you were the most gorgeous man I had ever seen and I would have done anything to get you to notice me, but that’s not who I am. I don’t approach people, I don’t let people get close in case they see how awkward I am. I'm not saying this for any other reason than to explain. I'm shy, I stutter when I get embarrassed and I'm not really the type of person a guy like you would go for. You are sexy and confident. You are everything I want in a man.

  When you approached me when I Romeo, it was my chance to be someone else, to be the confident guy that I've always wanted to be. To begin with I came out to see if you recognized me, when you didn’t I thought it might be my one chance to be with you and I wasn’t going to say no to that. I figured it would only be one night, but one night with you would be a dream come true. I would rather spend that night as Romeo with you than never know how you feel. The time we spent together was the best time of my life and I will spend the rest of my life reliving every single second.

  I know I lied to you when I didn’t tell you who I was, but I hope one day you can see why I couldn’t. My job is important to me, so I didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize it, and I'm pretty sure sleeping with your boss is frowned upon in the firm. I'm sorry about the way you found out, I should have been man enough to tell you about it and not hide out for weeks, making sure that you didn’t see me. I'm not proud of what I did, but I also can’t change it now. I hope we can still work together, I want to be able to help you like you need. I promise that no one in the office will ever know, I will leave my job before I confirm anything to anyone.

  I hope this sets your mind at ease a little, knowing that there was nothing more than my attraction to you on my mind at Crave. I will also lift your ban with the club, that was nothing more than trying to protect myself. I know you probably won’t come back, but you are welcome to if you want to.

  Again, I'm sorry.

  Roman.

  I read it over, not sure if I should leave it or not. I need to do this though, and like I said in the letter, this is probably the easiest way for me to do it. I fold the paper in half and slip it half under the desk mat so he will easily see it. I stand up and grab my bag, leaving his office before I change my mind. I just hope come Monday when Trey comes back into the office, I will still have a job.

  I walk into my office and put my briefcase on my desk. I wasn’t looking forward to coming in this morning, knowing that I have so much work to catch up on. I should have dragged myself in here over the weekend but I just couldn’t face it. On Saturday, I spent the day lounging around trying to survive the hangover from hell, and Sunday was spent with Nathan, helping him fix up his Impala. He's been working on the damn thing for about two years now and this is the first time I’ve actually seen a little bit of progress. I’m finally able to believe him when he says he will drive it one day. I’d like to say I helped him, but what I actually mean is that I sat off to the side and chatted to him while he got his hands dirty. I know nothing about cars; motorbikes are my passion, but not rebuilding them. I love nothing more than to go for a ride, to feel the freedom of the road as you race along. I desperately wanted to go out for a ride yesterday, clear my head in hopes that it would help me make a decision on what to do about Roman. The weather didn’t go with my plans though, the rain falling hard most of the day. I hate this time of year. The nights get dark so early, usually before I leave the office, and the weather turns cooler as winter approaches.

  I groan when I notice the date on my calendar. I only have just over a month left before it’s December, and that means the Christmas party is just around the corner. And that’s another reason why I hate this time of year. Spending the whole season with a fake smile on my face because everyone has seasonal cheer, but knowing that I will feel even lonelier than normal. Before Christmas hits I need to survive Thanksgiving, but at least I know I’ll be going to Nathan’s mom’s house for that. It’s not like I can go home, that option was taken away from me years ago. I shake my head, determined not to focus on that part of my life. I need to get on with this case before I get caught up in memories of the past and fall even further behind.

  I sit behind my desk and remove my laptop from my briefcase. I take a few minutes setting up my desk just the way I like and gathering the right files from my locked drawer. I make a move to go and get a cup of coffee when a piece of paper catches my eye. I can just see the corner peeking out from below the pad on the top of my desk. I don’t remember it being there on Friday, and I know I didn’t put it there this morning. I pull it out and open it to see a hand written note inside. I look down to see that it’s signed from Roman and it makes my heart start to race inside my chest. I don’t know what to expect, but I begin to panic when I think it might be a letter of resignation. He can’t leave, he just can’t. I see the paper physically shake in my hand and I can’t believe how nervous I feel. It’s just a letter, and from someone I have convinced myself I can’t have, so I shouldn’t be reacting like this. I take a deep breath, preparing myself to read what he's written.

  I read it twice, needing to make sure that I've read it right. He liked me? He wanted just one night with me? He’s willing to leave his job? Shit. I’d managed to convince myself over the weekend that I was right, that Roman was going to use us being together to his benefit. I wasn’t sure how, maybe he’d to the partners and tell them so he could get a wage rise or better cases. Now I'm not so sure, now I’m back to second guessing myself. I never noticed him in the office before that day in the copy room, but I do remember that day well. I thought he was cute with his dark framed glasses, the geek look works well for him. I also remember how shy he was, the redness in his cheeks making him look younger than he probably is. I think that’s why I never put him together with Romeo. He had so much confidence on that stage, he owned everyone in that club, especially me. Just thinking about him dancing, the way he looked when he was using the pole, makes my dick swell and I reach down pressing my hand against it. I can’t let this happen, not in the office, not ever. I’ve made my mind up and I need to stick to my decision.

  It took me most of the weekend to come up with a plan of what I needed to do. It was so simple; I needed to cut as much contact with Roman as possible. That means he can’t help me with my work. Even though I know he would be a lot of help on my current case, I need to work with another paralegal. Seeing him in passing won’t be a problem, I never spoke to him before so ignoring him now won’t be noticed by anyone. I don’t want to affect his job, make a problem for him while he works here, but I also want to keep a large distance between us. That’s why what happens next is so confusing.

  There’s a knock at the door and I look up to see Landon standing just inside my office. “Morning, Mr. Colby. Did you have a good weekend? I just wondered if there was anything you needed?”

  This is normal for a Monday morning, all the paralegals try to find a partner to work with in the hopes that they’re working on a big case. It’s always a race to see who gets the main jobs first, the ones who aren’t lucky are left with admin tasks like filing or letter writing, and they aren’t exactly exciting.

  I don’t know why I say what I say, the words hadn’t been part of my thoughts at all as he stands waiting on my answer with a look of hope on his face. “Can you tell Roman to be in my office in fifteen minutes. Thanks, Landon.”

  He nods before walking away, leaving me in a state of shock. Why the fuck did I just ask for Roma
n? Landon is a good worker and honestly, anyone would be good after Quincy, so why didn’t I ask him to help me? Shit. This isn’t going to be easy, working so closely to Roman is going to be a challenge. How do you work with someone when you know what he sounds like when he comes, what he tastes like, the way he shudders under my touch?

  I reach down and press against my cock again. It’s throbbing inside my pants, and the need to give it relief is so fucking strong. I managed to distract myself over the weekend, but being here is making all the memories of Roman come flooding back. Knowing that he is only a few steps away, sitting at his desk and I can see him whenever I want is driving me insane. Things would never work out between us, but that doesn’t take away the fact that when we were together we were explosive.

  The night he sat on top and rode me, all the while thinking he was in control, sticks out in my mind. He had been so uninhibited, so free, just letting himself feel the pleasure of me inside his body. I could have watched him up there all night, but seeing him in the throes of passion while pleasuring himself was too much. Shit. I need to stop thinking about him or my hard-on will never go away. I take a deep breath, vowing to myself that our relationship will be nothing but professional from now on. I'm his boss and I refuse to be anything else.

  I hunch down behind my desk trying to make myself as invisible as possible. I have always loved the fact that I can see the elevator from my cubicle, being able to see everyone who comes and goes, but today it’s going to give me an ulcer. Every time the thing pings to say it’s arrived at our floor I want to hide beneath my desk. I'm trying to work on a file that Mr. Rose brought me this morning, but I can’t keep my eyes off the elevator. I'm concentrating so much on it that when a hand lands on my shoulder I scream in fright. I cover my mouth instantly with my hand, thankfully cutting off most of the noise. I turn quickly in my seat and see Landon standing there with a huge ass grin on his face.