The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  “Oh shit, I'm gonna come.” His body tightens and I can’t hold back, my orgasm racing through me and catching me by surprise.

  I drop my head to Romeo’s shoulder, feeling drained but amazing. There is something about this guy that makes everything we do feel a hundred times better than anyone else. I let my fast softening cock slip from his body, and while I'm cleaning myself up, Romeo sorts his clothes and turns to face me.

  I don’t like the look he has on his face. There’s a sadness to it that makes me feel uneasy. I watch cautiously as he steps towards me without meeting my eyes. I brush my hand over his chin, feeling the slight stubble under my fingertips. His eyes finally find mine and I see the sadness screaming at me. I look over his face, from his thick but perfectly formed eyebrows, down his straight thin nose to his lips. They are soft and thick, the bottom one sticks out slightly, and it makes me want to bite it. I try to mesmerize every line and freckle, convinced that when he opens his mouth I'm not going to like what he says. This feels a lot like goodbye. He closes his eyes as I run my finger over his cheek and cup his face in my hand. He leans into me and I want to stay like this forever, I want to take him home with me and keep him.

  “I don’t want you to come back to the club. We can’t do this again.”

  I knew I wouldn’t like his words, and I refuse to accept them. “Why can’t we? I don’t understand what the big secret is about you. I know I'm older but I'm not a creepy old man. And I'm pretty sure I don’t have a younger brother, so you're not that to me. So what is it, what’s the problem?” I honestly can’t see any problem with us being together so I'm hoping he will explain it to me, but all he does is step away from me, making my arm drop to my side.

  “We just can’t.” He turns away from me, rushing down the alleyway before I realize what he's doing. Shit, he's going to vanish and I still don’t know anything about him. I run after him and turn onto the street just in time to see him going into the club. I arrive at the entrance, ready to follow him but I'm stopped with a hand on my chest. I look up to see the same fucking doorman from earlier standing in my way with a pissed off look on his face.

  “Not tonight, buddy.”

  I give him a look of confusion. I don’t understand why he’s stopping me, I’ve already been inside tonight without any problems. He has a very satisfied smirk on his face and I suddenly know why I'm not getting in. Romeo.

  “He told you not to let me in didn’t he?”

  His smile grows larger as he nods. He’s getting too much satisfaction from this situation and it should piss me off, but all I can think about is not seeing Romeo again.

  “Fine, but you can tell him I’ll be back tomorrow.” I don’t care how desperate it makes me look, I will be back here every night until he speaks to me. I’m shocking myself here, I’m not the type to willingly chase someone, especially not a one night stand. I've never had to fight so hard for something that I wanted before. Whenever things get difficult I always run, finding it easier to just give up and move on. I did that with Dustin and Bryce; walking away from the relationship as soon as I found out they were cheating. I don’t fight to make people want me, so I have no idea why I'm starting now.

  “You can some back as often as you like, but you won’t be allowed in the club again. Your name and picture are noted, you’re blacklisted. And if I see you hanging around outside I won’t think twice about calling the cops.” Just like that, I lose any contact I have with Romeo. I would fight it but I know it won’t make any difference. This is why I don’t chase. I take a deep breath and do what I'm good at; I walk away, leaving Romeo behind me.

  I open the freezer and grab the bottle of vodka. I swear this thing with Trey is going to turn me into an alcoholic. I unscrew the top and take a big mouthful, hissing as it burns my throat. I don’t know how people drink this stuff all the time. I take another gulp and the burn isn’t as bad as before, helping me with my decision to keep drinking. I need to make this pain disappear, the pain that started suffocating me as soon as I ran from Trey.

  I lean against the wall in the living room and let myself sink down until I'm sitting on the floor. As soon as I saw him tonight in the club I knew that I needed to cut things off with him, there is no way that I can go on pretending and hiding who I really am. I didn’t expect him to push to find out my name. I thought he would accept it’s over and say goodbye. Little did I know how persistent he can be. Actually, that doesn’t surprise me. He’s built his career on finding out details that he shouldn’t, going above and beyond most lawyers to get information. What surprises me is that he wants the information about me, that he wants to know my name. I thought I would be nothing more than a time filler, a nice warm place to slip into for a while. When I’ve watched him in the office the last few months, before I met him at Crave, I never once thought he would look at me, never mind wanting more.

  I take another drink and enjoy the numbing feeling the vodka is bringing me. The problem is, it’s also letting my thoughts wander in directions they shouldn’t. All I can think of is Trey, about how he felt when he was touching me, the warmth of his lips as they investigated my body, and how gentle he was when he took me to his house. That night was like something out of a perfect dream. When he slipped into my body, his eyes looking deep into mine, he made me feel like we could be something. He made me feel we could make all this work together. That’s the real reason I ran. I can’t let myself really fall for Trey, if he was to find out who I was he would fire me, and now that all this has happened I wish I had thought about that the first night. When he handed me his card I should have kept it as a memento that he wanted me and left through the back exit, just like I did tonight.

  I acted like a coward earlier. After I told Bruno that Trey wasn’t to ever get in again, I walked straight through the club and out the back. I’d reached the end of the alleyway in time to hear Bruno telling him he wasn’t getting in. Then I ran before I heard any more, scared he would notice me and follow. I was doing fine with all this until tonight. I thought if I just kept my head down then he would forget all about me and I would be safe to stop hiding at work. I mean the guy is gorgeous, it wouldn’t take long for someone else to be lucky enough to claim him, and when that happened he wouldn’t remember anything about Romeo. The only problem is that just thinking about him with someone else hurts like fuck. Knowing that someone else will be giving him what he needs leaves a hollow feeling in my chest.

  I down another mouthful of vodka as the first tear slips from my eye. The most intimate relationship I've ever had, the only time that I’ve given myself to someone, and it wasn’t really me. I was pretending to be someone else. He fell for the outgoing guy that dances half naked on the stage, and it cuts deep to know that he would never fall for the real me.

  Chapter 6

  I glare at Quincy as he shifts from foot to foot on the other side of my desk. He was meant to send out six subpoenas yesterday and, for reasons that he still can’t explain, he didn’t manage to do even one. If I’m using him to assist me I don’t think the court case will actually go ahead. This is a case I want to win. I want to win them all, but this one feels a little more personal because the client is a friend of Nathan’s. He’s been fired from his job at a daycare center because of an incident that he was supposedly reported for, but no one has seen the actual complaint. It involved a parent of a child that he doesn’t know, who claims they saw him grab her kid, but he swears he didn’t. Before I took the case I did my initial investigations and found that their protocol for complaints hadn’t been followed. Also no one could show me a copy of said complaint. I already thought there was something strange about the case when Simon, Nathan’s friend, told me that he was fired less than two weeks after his bosses had found out he was gay.

  Now if I keep letting Quincy help me, I know that we won’t have a fucking case.

  “What do you mean you forgot?” I’m trying not to lose my cool, to keep my tone even and calm, but it’s becoming harder to do
the more he speaks.

  “I had it on my to-do list, but then Mr. Rose said he needed some copying done and he needed it done straight away. There was no one else in the office at the time, so I told him I would do it. I must have put them down in the copy room and now I can’t find them.” He talks quickly, the words pouring out of him in one breath as he tries to get his excuses out. I rub my fingers over my forehead, trying to ease the tension that’s building there.

  I'm just about to tell him to get out of my sight when I go back over the words that he just garbled at me. “What do you mean you lost them? How the fuck did you lose them in the office?” I can’t help how loud my voice gets, and I cringe when I remember that my office door is open.

  “Well I'm sure that’s where I put them down, but when I went back they were gone.”

  This week is turning to shit, I swear that nothing is going right and I want it to be over so I can get drunk. Unfortunately, at this rate it looks like I might be working all weekend. At four on a Friday afternoon I should be closing up the loose ends from my weekly tasks and getting ready to take the weekend off to relax. Now thanks to this idiot, I'm going to be here to god knows what time tonight.

  I'm just about to rip him a new one, my anger taking over which isn’t like me. If I was into self-examination I would look into the reason I've been uncooperative and unapproachable this week, but I refuse to open that can of worms. Quincy is saved from the full brunt of my anger when one of the juniors pops his head in my office door.

  “Sorry to interrupt, sir, but we were wondering if we can leave for the day? All the other partners have left and the phone lines have been turned off.”

  I nod my head, but shout after him as he turns to leave. “Who’s the smartest paralegal? I want you to be honest.”

  He doesn’t even have to think about it before he gives me a name. “There’s no one better than Roman. I swear that guy works harder than anyone, and he knows stuff that most of us don’t.”

  I shouldn’t be surprised when I hear him mention Roman’s name. I've heard Roger and Hugh, the other partners, talk about his work. He is smart, quick to learn, and when he's asked to do something he goes over and above what’s required of him. I've never had a chance to work with him because I'm constantly stuck with Quincy, but that stops now.

  “Can you tell him I need him to work late with me, but the rest of you can leave.”

  He nods as he leaves and I turn my attention back to Quincy. I need to make it very clear that he won’t be working with me again, and I need to give his work ethic an evaluation.

  No, no, no. I stare at Landon and I know I must have a look of fear on my face.

  “What do you mean Mr. Colby’s asking for me? It’s Friday night and it’s time to go home.” It’s not the overtime that’s bothering me, we all work late with short notice, it’s part of the job. Even Jon knows that if I need to work late at the firm then I won’t be dancing. What I’m worried about is seeing Trey. I've managed to avoid him for nearly two weeks now by ducking into empty rooms and making sure I avoid his office. It’s worked really well, and I've been convinced that he's probably forgotten I exist … until now.

  “He's ripping Quincy a new one, can’t you hear him? Anyway, he asked who was the best and I said you, so he wants you in the office right away.” He smiles as he walks away, telling everyone else that they are free to leave. For the first time since I started working here I wish I wasn’t as good at my job, that I was lazy and never noticed by anyone. I know Landon thinks he’s done me a favor, but in reality, he may have just ruined my life.

  I walk slowly to his office, my heart almost beating out off my chest as I get closer. I love this job, but when I walk into that office there’s a good chance I’ll be fired. I don’t know what reason he’ll use. Maybe working at the club, maybe sleeping with my boss, but I'm sure he’ll come up with something. It’s his job to deal with unfair dismissal, so I'm sure he will find an ironclad reason to get rid of me. I feel the tension in my body build as I hear Trey shouting at Quincy. It’s not like him to lose his temper. In the whole time I've worked here I have never heard him raise his voice. He's the calm partner, the one who speaks to everyone as though they’re equals.

  I lean back against the wall outside Trey’s door as Quincy comes storming out of the office, his face red and looking like he's trying not to cry. I feel sorry for him. I’ve never seen Trey angry, but from the volume of his voice I don’t ever want to see it. I send up a silent prayer that he's spent all his anger and when I walk in there he won’t blow his top again. I take a deep breath and walk directly into the lion’s den. I keep my eyes to the floor as I enter, moving to stand directly in front of his desk.

  “Thank you for staying late, Roman. Quincy messed up a lot of important documents and I wondered if you wouldn’t mind helping me to sort it all out?”

  I chance a look at him and see that he is looking at the files on the desk. He quickly writes something down on the piece of paper in front of him.

  “That’s fine, Mr. Colby.” I see his pen stop moving on the paper and his head slowly lifts until he's looking at me. I watch him over the top of my glasses as a look of confusion passes over his face and I can feel my cheeks heat under his intense stare.

  “Roman?”

  I feel a bead of sweat rolling down my back under my shirt and it takes everything in me not to run from the room. “Yes, Mr. Colby?” My voice is quiet, and I'm trying to disguise it as much as I can. He gets up from his chair and walks around his desk to stand in front of me and I don’t know what to do, how to act.

  “Look at me.”

  I close my eyes and shake my head. I know he knows it’s me, there’s no other reason he would want me to look at him. He must recognize my voice. We spent a lot of time in darkened rooms so he probably knows that better than my face. I see his hand come out and a single finger presses under my chin, making me look up. I keep my eyes down, not able to look him in the eye.

  “I said look at me.”

  I feel my chest tighten and I know I need to do as he asks, there’s no way to hide who I am anymore. I bring my eyes up, knowing that the second they connect with his my life will change forever. I see the shock and disbelief in his eyes as our gazes connect. He reaches out and removes my glasses, running a hand through my styled hair and messing it up. And just like that I’m Romeo, the man who ran from him.

  “I'm sorry.” My words come out on a whisper and I hope he hears them because I don’t think I will be able to speak again.

  “You … you work here?” He steps away from me and hands me my glasses. I put them on slowly, my eyes never leaving Trey as I do. He starts pacing the floor, his hands running through his hair, messing it in a sexy way. I'm preparing for when the dam breaks inside him, I can see the anger and confusion building inside him and I don’t think it will take long until he turns it all on me. He suddenly stops in front of his desk. He leans back against the wood with his arms crossed over his chest.

  “This explains a lot. Now I know why you couldn’t tell me where you worked, and how you knew my name. So tell me, was this just about having some sort of secret to hold over my head, to move up higher in the firm?”

  My mouth drops open in shock. How can he even think that? I get that he doesn’t know anything about me, but if he thinks I would spend time with him to blackmail him then he’s out of his mind.

  “That’s what you really think of me?” I want to shout at him, tell him exactly why I spent time with him but I don’t want to stutter over my words. I need time to think through what I want to say because that’s the only way I can do it without making a fool of myself. He gets up from the desk and stands in front of me again. His sudden closeness causes my breathing to become erratic. I never thought I would ever be this close to him at work, I never thought I would be this close to him again at all.

  “At the moment, that’s what all the evidence points to.” His voice sounds emotionless, and it hurts me to k
now I'm causing him this doubt.

  I take a deep breath and try to explain myself. “This isn’t about the firm. I've spent the last few weeks hiding from you so you wouldn’t know that I worked here. If I wanted to blackmail you don’t you think I would have shown my face before now?” I would take a moment to feel proud of myself, at how accomplished I feel after getting all that out without messing it up, but he doesn’t give me a chance before he speaks.

  “Then why?” This is the question I don’t know how to answer. I can’t tell him I've lusted after him for months, and when he showed me a little bit of attention I jumped at the chance. I don’t want to sound needy and desperate, even though that’s exactly what I was.

  “It was … it’s just … well …” I lower my head as I start my normal tumble of words. I hate that I can’t just say what I want to, that my awkwardness stops me from acting normally around people. This is why no one will ever want to be with me, why I shouldn’t have been with Trey in the first place. He deserves someone as strong as he is, someone that can handle themselves.

  He leans in and whispers in my ear.

  “Tell me, Roman.”

  I feel my dick harden, even in this situation he turns me on like no other person in this world. I close my eyes and just let the words flow.

  “Because I find you irresistible.”

  I just stare at him as he looks at me with those big pleading eyes. He finds me irresistible? How is that even possible? I’m struggling to process everything that’s happened in the last few minutes. When I heard him speak I thought I was losing my mind. I've spent enough time listening to Romeo whisper things into my ear to know what his voice sounds like. I thought it couldn’t be him, that I was just missing him so much that I was hearing his voice everywhere, but when I saw his eyes there was no mistaking who he was. I would be able to recognize his eyes from a mile away; the blue is unmistakable. I can’t believe that he works here, but it explains a lot. At least now I know that it wasn’t something I was doing that made him run away from me, but the fact I'm his god damn boss. Shit, I'm fucking an employee. I can’t believe this is happening to me. How did I get into this situation?