The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  He smiles eagerly before walking back to the machine to make his own. “It’s my own creation so I'm not telling you. But I'm glad you like it.” He takes the seat next to me and takes a large drink from his own cup of heaven.

  “I do like it. So as they say, is this where the magic happens?”

  “Yes, well it should be, but this job is still giving me a fucking headache.”

  I look at Nathan closely and for the first time I notice how tired he looks. There are dark circles around his eyes and he has a few days growth on his face, which makes him look rough and sexy. “You look tired.”

  “Is that a polite way of saying I look like shit?”

  I would be embarrassed about his question if he hadn’t laughed as he asked it. “I didn’t mean it that way. I just mean you look like you could use some sleep, you know, like maybe twenty hours worth. And for the record, you don’t look like shit.” I watch him over the top of my mug as he looks at me. Neither of us say anything for a few minutes while we just stare at each other. It’s Nathan that finally breaks the silence.

  “So, what are your plans now?”

  I let out a heavy sigh. I know I need to think about what to do next, but I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. “I have no idea. At least I don’t have to work for a few days, but I do need to plan what I'm doing. I suppose the first thing I need to do is buy some clothes.”

  Nathan’s eyes flick over my body again, but this time I can feel heat spreading through me. He lifts his eyes slowly, and if I'm not mistaken there’s a look of lust in them. I pretend to cough before taking a drink so I have something to do to distract myself. His stare isn’t making me uncomfortable, but if he doesn’t look away soon I'm going to have a much bigger problem on my hands. Or should that be lying against my leg. Now that I have included it in my thoughts my dick twitches to life, and I pray to every god I can think of that Nathan doesn’t see it.

  “You can borrow some of my clothes until you get organized. I'm a little taller but I'm sure my jeans will do for now. And anything you need in the house just help yourself to. Can you drive?”

  I shake my head, happy to have a change of the direction for my thoughts.

  “Okay, just I would have put you on the insurance for my car. The bus service around here is pretty good though, so you shouldn’t have a problem getting to work. If you could just hang out until tomorrow I can take you to the mall to get anything you need.”

  I screw up my face in confusion as he speaks and he must notice because his eyes open wide before he speaks.

  “What? Did I say something wrong?”

  “I don’t know. I'm just wondering who you are and what you’ve done with Nathan?” Now it’s his turn to look confused. He’s cute when he looks like that, and as much as I want to keep that look on his face, I put him out of his misery. “It’s just that you have never been this nice to me. I'm a little worried about what’s happening.”

  He leans over and shoves my shoulder before getting up from the couch. “Fuck you. I can be nice when I want to be. Like now, get your ass to the kitchen so I can make you some food.”

  Now that’s the Nathan I know. I smile as I follow him, feeling more comfortable about being here now.

  Chapter 9

  The burning sensation I can feel in my eyes tells me that I’ve been staring at my computer for far too long. Not even my glasses that I put on two hours ago have helped lessen the eyestrain. I need to step away from the computer or I'm going to get a migraine and I just don't have the time for that.

  I glance at the clock on my screen before I stand up and groan when I notice how late in the day it is. I got caught up with a sequence and the hours have slipped away from me. I curse at myself for leaving Grey to entertain himself for so long. It’s bad enough that the only reason I’ve eaten today is because he’s been looking out for me by bringing me snacks throughout the day. I'm meant to be making his life easier, but here I am, letting him look after me.

  As I walk towards the kitchen, the smell of something cooking has my stomach rumbling and suddenly I feel hungrier than a minute before. I hear the first strains of quiet music so I quiet my footsteps as I approach the door, wanting to see what Grey’s doing.

  He's standing over a pot on the stove, stirring the contents while softly singing to ‘Stay With Me’ by Sam Smith. As I lean against the doorframe and just watch him, a strange sensation comes over me. It’s something I haven’t felt in a very long time and I didn’t think I ever would again. I feel at peace, like the world has all focused in on this one moment to show me what I need.

  I shake my head and cough, trying to clear my head of the crazy thoughts it’s having. Grey is nothing but my housemate at the moment and as soon as he has someplace else to go, he’ll be leaving.

  Grey turns and smiles at me over his shoulder, and I ignore my heart that's trying to pound out of my chest.

  “I hope you don't mind, but I made dinner. I didn’t know what you liked so I went for mac and cheese. I mean, everyone loves mac and cheese, right?” His smile is infectious and I can’t help return it as I close the distance between us.

  “You may win my heart yet, Florence. I happen to love mac and cheese.” I look into the pot, pretending I didn’t see the scowl he just gave me when I used the nickname I’ve given him. I know he asked me not to use it, but come on, what are the chances of me actually complying, especially now I know he hates it?

  “I'm just waiting on the pasta, so it’ll be maybe ten minutes.” He walks over to the fridge and grabs a bottle of beer, holding it up to me in question.

  I nod as I take a seat at the large table. I can’t get past the way this whole thing feels. It’s the domesticated thing that I’ve avoided my whole life. Growing up with just my mom made me very independent and I didn’t rely on anyone for anything. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and she was always there for me, but working took her out of the house for more hours than she wanted every day. I learned to cook for myself at a very early age, not well but enough to keep me alive, so to have Grey in my kitchen cooking for me feels special.

  He walks back over to the steaming pot and stirs the pasta, testing a piece before putting the wooden spoon down. He turns and leans against the edge of the worktop, looking sexy as hell in the sweatpants I gave him earlier. He has an understated sexiness about him, one that people might not notice on first glance, but I did. I noticed it as soon as I met him. His dark hair that’s closely cut at the sides but longer on top is usually styled back but today it’s lying messy on his forehead. It’s amazing how different it makes him, and I want nothing more than to see if it feels as soft as it looks. His tongue comes out and wets his bottom lip and I can’t seem to get my eyes to look away from the glistening surface.

  I'm about to give in to my urge when an alarm goes off, making us both jump. At least he was just as caught up in the moment as I was. Grey abruptly turns and grabs the pan, distracting himself with finishing off dinner. I take a large swig of my beer hoping it will calm my nerves. I really need to get myself in check. This sexual tension is only going to drive us both insane if we keep going, and that will only make living together harder.

  A steaming bowl of food is put down in front of me, and when the smell hits my nose I can feel my mouth water. “God, if this tastes as good as it smells, I might not let you leave.”

  Grey gets a funny look on his face and I would love to know why. He looks down to his own bowl quickly, concentrating a little too much on spearing the small pieces of pasta. “My secret is three types of cheese, but you only had two so I had to make do. Hopefully it will still be nice.”

  “I had two types of cheese?” That news is a surprise to me because I don't even remember buying one type of cheese, never mind two. When I said I could cook it didn’t mean that I did, I prefer to live on takeout’s.

  Grey laughs as he fills his mouth with food and I sit and watch as he licks the fork. Fuck, I'm turning into one of those weird
men that ogle the women in the park. Everything he does is like a huge turn on for me, even eating apparently, and I don't know what to do with that. As much as I want to mention what happened the other night on the phone, I don't want to make Grey feel awkward. This is the first time we’ve been in each other’s company and got along, and I don't want to ruin it.

  I take of forkful of food and moan around it. Flavor explodes over my tongue and I'm pretty sure it’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted in my life. If this is it without one type of cheese, there’s a chance when he makes it properly that I will come in my pants. “Holy fuck, Grey. I think this is the best thing I’ve ever had in my mouth.”

  “So far, but you’ve not had me.”

  The words seem to come out of Grey without any conscious thought and I choke on my mouthful of pasta.

  Grey goes bright red and his eyes are the size of saucers as he stares at me. “I'm sorry, that just kinda came out. Shit, I didn’t even think about what I was saying.”

  It’s in that moment, sitting at my dining table with a hard on, that I learn that Grey’s like me. He doesn’t have a filter and I know how to use this information to my advantage.

  I thought things would get awkward after my little comment at dinner, but the whole night has been strangely relaxing. We’ve spent the last few hours chatting and even though Nathan looks as though he could fall asleep any minute, he’s been attentive to the conversation.

  We haven’t talked about anything in-depth and have kept it light in spite of the fact that I want to ask him so many inappropriate questions. Like does he prefer women or men, has he had sex with a man, and does he want to? See, inappropriate. Instead the topics have kept in the safe area of favorite music and movies, and what we like to do in our spare time. It’s been good, just sitting and chatting, helping me find out more about the guy behind the sarcasm.

  “So he puked the whole lot back up?” I'm not sure how Trey would feel about Nathan telling me this story, but I have to admit that it’s really fucking funny.

  “The whole lot. I spent hours in the bathroom with him just in case he died. I actually think that was the last time I saw him eating a Twinkie.”

  I can’t help but laugh at the picture he's painting. Trey seems like such a put together guy, that even thinking about him drunk isn’t easy. Him being drunk enough to make himself sick eating Twinkies, is even harder. “But the guy’s body is like a wet dream. How can he eat that crap and still look like that?”

  A strange look passes over Nathan’s face, but it’s gone before I have a chance to register what it means.

  “He’s never been my type, but you should see Bryce’s other half.”

  I look at him in confusion, trying to remember why I know that name but I'm getting nothing. “Bryce?”

  Nathan scrolls through something on his cell for a few seconds before he hands it to me. “Bryce is Trey’s ex, he hooked up with an MMA fighter.”

  I remember the story now. He had cheated on Trey by going back to his one time lover or something. I look down at the screen and see a huge guy who is covered in tattoos. He's attractive but not my type. I’ve never been into hugely muscly guys, preferring my men to be toned but soft.

  I hand Nathan his phone back, nodding my head. “He’s okay, completely not my type though.”

  “What's your type?”

  I'm pretty sure I can’t tell him he’s the epitome of my taste, but that would be the easiest way to explain my tastes. Everything about him is exactly what I would go for. His dark hair, his eyes that look almost black from a distance, and his defined but not overly built body. I'm guessing about the body because I haven’t seen him without a top on, but if way his t-shirts cling to his flat stomach is anything to go by then I'm pretty sure I'm right. “I like my men more natural. Dark hair and eyes. A little bit of rough.” I look down to the stubble on Nathan’s jaw and I automatically think about how it would feel on the inside of my thighs or rubbing against my balls. My dick hardens almost instantly and I shift in my seat to try and cover the obviousness of it. Cracking a boner in sweatpants isn’t the greatest thing in the world when you are sitting next to the object of your desires, and the guy you aren’t sure is gay.

  Luckily Nathan is distracted by his phone, so I look down at myself quickly to make sure nothing’s showing. When I'm satisfied that I'm well hidden, I turn my attention back to Nathan, who’s frowning down at his phone.

  “You haven’t called Roman?” He looks up at me with confusion.

  “No.”

  “Is your phone dead? I can give you a charger if you need it.”

  I shake my head, not sure how to explain this to him without embarrassing myself. Telling him that I'm pissed of with Roman because he knows I feel … something for Nathan. Nope, not going to happen. “I turned my phone off. I told him I arrived, but I don't want to talk to him at the moment.”

  The confused look doesn’t leave Nathan’s face and I know he must have questions but I don't want to hear them.

  “I'm going to bed. It’s getting late and I need to get up early tomorrow to get things sorted.”

  Nathan looks at his watch and jumps up from the couch. “Shit! I have to be … somewhere. Damn, I’m supposed to be there already.” He doesn’t hang around, just mutters curses as he runs out the front door.

  I just sit there and watch his vanishing form, wondering where the hell he needs to be after ten at night. I decide not to worry about it and convince myself that he isn’t anything to me other than maybe a friend. I need to think that way because if I think too hard, then I might not be able to pretend that he isn’t out with someone doing what I want to be doing to him.

  I can’t believe that I forgot about my plans with Nic tonight. I got so caught up with spending time with Grey that it completely slipped my mind, even though night I was excited about it. Now I'm racing towards her apartment and hoping she won’t be a bitch about it. She might be easy going but Nic doesn’t like to be messed around, and running late when she should be center of attention is the best way to get on her bad side. As long as you’re giving her all the attention she wants she is so easy going and fun to be with, but if you fail do that then she’ll make your night a living hell.

  This is why I couldn’t be in a relationship with her. She is a bit of a princess and I doubt I would be enough to keep her satisfied. I wouldn’t be willing to dedicate my time to making her happy and she deserves a man who will give her the world. I know I'm not that guy for her, and even though she pushes the subject more than I would like, deep down she knows I’m not her forever.

  I stop at a red light and look at myself in the mirror while I have a second. I run my hand over the stubble on my jaw, grimacing when it rubs over my palm. I’d wanted to have a shave before heading over to Nic’s, but time ran away with me and it wasn’t to be. Grey’s words suddenly come back to me, about him liking a bit of rough, and I find myself wondering if he would like to feel it against his skin. I'm sure if I were to kiss him it would leave a red rash around his mouth. That thought makes me smile, because it would be like claiming him as mine.

  Fucking hell, where did that come from? It’s not exactly the thought I should be having when I'm on the way to bury myself inside an attractive woman. The funny thing is that the thought of Grey made my dick twitch in my pants, but there’s no reaction when I think of Nic. I store that piece of information away for another time, maybe when I can work out what the fuck this all means.

  The car behind me beeps and my eyes flash up to the now green light. Shit, I was so stuck in my head that I missed it changing. I hold my hand up in apology to the car behind before taking off down the street towards Nic’s place.

  When I arrive I knock on her door and tuck my hands into my pockets. I have the sudden urge to turn and run. I'm normally eager to get into Nic’s house and burn off a little steam, but tonight I just can’t seem to get myself in the mood. I put it down to the fact that I have a ton of work waiting for me, the s
tress of it all makes me feel like I need to go home.

  The door opens in front of me before I have a chance to walk away. Nic stands there in front of me wearing a very short dress that barely covers the important bits. Normally this would have my dick standing at attention and I’d already be dragging her back into her apartment so I could take her against the wall, but there’s nothing. All I can think of is getting my hair cut so I can go home to bed. This reaction scares me. I haven’t had sex for a few weeks, and now that the opportunity is literally in front of me I can’t get myself interested

  Stress. Definitely stress.

  “Hey, sexy.” Her voice is husky as she looks me over. I know I look like shit, so I don’t know what she's seeing that impresses her.

  “Hey, babe. Sorry I'm late, work is a nightmare just now.”

  She stands back from the door and lets me enter. I walk down the hall towards her bathroom without a word. There’s no point pretending I don’t know the routine by now. She cuts my hair in the bathroom, I grab a shower and she dries me off with her bed sheets. Same thing every single time. I wonder if there’s any chance I will get away with only the first two parts tonight, but going by the way she looks at me as she follows me into the bathroom, I know that’s not going to happen. I sit on the seat she's set up and close my eyes.

  Her hands in my hair feels nice, her nails scraping slightly over my scalp as she starts to cut it. Goose bumps cover my skin as her nails dig into the skin and I know she's doing it on purpose. When I let people touch me I like the connection to be a little rough, hard, and a bit nasty. I don’t do the shit that Trey’s into, but I like to feel sex for a few days after. Plus being gentle involves feelings, which is a big turn off for me.