The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  The shower was just what I needed. It was hot and powerful enough to make me feel like it’s taken the top layer of my skin off, leaving me feeling clean for the first time today.

  I walk through the dark suite and over to the large windows that overlook the strip below. Even at this late, or should that be early, hour the street is filled with people laughing with friends and loved ones. They say this place never sleeps, and I can see now that it’s true. The bright lights of the casinos make it seem like it’s daytime, even though I know the sky is dark. The stars are hidden behind the layer of artificial light that shines from below, and I think it’s a shame that it blocks out the natural beauty from above.

  I’m so fucking tired but my body still feels wired, and I don't think that going to bed will get me anywhere. I look to the door on the other side of the room, the one that’s closed, the one that Grey is sleeping behind. I move slowly towards it despite telling myself that it won’t be a good idea to look inside. I know he's here and that should be enough to settle me, but I need to see him. I try to justify my need by convincing myself that I need to check he's here for safety reasons. What if he didn’t make it to the hotel? What if he’s wandering around lost and no one knows? The fact I can see his jacket thrown over the back of one of the chairs means nothing.

  I click open his door and the noise sounds really loud in the darkness. I push it open, looking around the edge where I can see someone lying in the bed. I slip inside the room and tiptoe over to the side of the bed. The sheet is lying around his hips, the white making even his pale skin seem darker. He seems to glow as he lies there, and I want nothing more than to reach out and run my hands all over the flesh on show.

  Instead I sit on the edge of his bed, leaving a very little gap between our bodies. It’s not often I see Grey like this; completely relaxed and at peace. He's the kind of person that even when he's sitting watching TV, you can see the tension in his body. It’s almost like he's just waiting for something to happen. Now though, he looks a lot younger than he normally does, much too young for me. I know I take the piss out of Trey for being old but the truth is I'm only a year younger than him, and that makes the age gap between me and Grey almost the same as Trey and Roman.

  I take one last look at Grey, planning on going back to my own bed and trying to get some sleep. We’re all meeting for breakfast tomorrow and I don't want to be half asleep when we do. As I say, that's the plan. What I actually do is turn my body and slip under the sheets next to Grey. He moans in his sleep before turning away from me. I spoon him from behind and pull him close so I can snuggle my nose into his neck. I love the way that Grey smells. It’s like a mixture of apple and him. It’s a smell that I want to bottle and keep with me at all times.

  Grey moans again before relaxing into my hold like he’s meant to be there. I know doing this is the wrong thing to do, but as I feel myself falling into sleep I realize that I don't give a fuck.

  I can’t remember the room being this hot when I fell asleep last night, but this morning it feels like there’s a furnace behind me. I try to roll away from the source of the heat but a set of arms pull me back towards it. My eyes fly open in surprise when I register that I'm not alone in my bed. I know for a fact I was when I went to sleep last night, so that could only mean …

  “Go back to sleep, Florence.”

  I relax slightly once I know who it is, but it doesn’t help with the question of why he's in here with his arms wrapped around me. “Um, Nathan. Why are you in here?”

  I don't get a response, only a groan before he buries his nose into the back of my hair. I would shout and scream at him to get out of my room if it didn’t feel so good to have him here. I know that there won’t be another chance to wake up in his arms, so whether it’s a good idea or not, I relax and let myself enjoy the feeling. I turn my head until my lips touch the arm that's under my neck. I give it a little kiss, and in response I get one on the back of my neck. This feels too comfortable, like we’re the couple that I wish we were, and as much as I hate to break the connection, I need to move. If I spend time like this with Nathan then I’m in danger of getting my heart broken into tiny pieces.

  “We need to get up for breakfast.” I don't even know what time it is when I pull myself out of his arms, but it’s the only excuse I can think of to escape. I rush to the en-suite and grab my toothbrush before covering it in toothpaste. I start brushing and shout through a mouthful of foam to the bedroom. “What time did you get in last night?” Okay, if I thought it felt too much like we were a couple before, now it’s even worse.

  “Just after three. I swear I nearly didn’t get here at all. I would tell you about my journey from hell, but I don't want to depress you.”

  I spit into the sink and rinse with mouthwash, before running the tap to clean up the mess. I don't even think about what I'm doing when I strip off my underwear and climb into the shower. The water is cold when I first turn it on and I gasp when it hits my body. It heats up quickly and I set to about washing myself.

  “Now I have to admit I could wake up to this view every day.”

  That's when I realize what I’ve done. I didn’t even think about Nathan being in the next room when I got naked, and now I have him watching me in the shower. Thankfully the glass enclosure has steamed a little, so I'm sure I'm a little hidden as he turns to the mirror above the sink. He grabs my toothbrush and uses it to brush his teeth.

  I stand with my mouth open, not believing that he's just done that. You can’t just use someone’s toothbrush without permission. “Nathan!”

  His head whips around as I walk past the end of the enclosure. “What?”

  I can’t believe he needs to ask me that. “That's my toothbrush. You can’t use it.”

  He smirks as he drops his underwear to the ground and joins me under the water. I step back carefully as me moves closer to me. When my back hits the cold tiles I gasp, but it doesn’t stop Nathan’s movements. He pushes his chest into mine and leans in so his lips close to my ear as he talks to me, his words coming out on a seductive purr. “Don't worry, Grey. In a minute there won’t be any germs we haven’t shared.”

  And as gross as the comment is, my traitor heart skips a beat.

  The banging on the door to the suite has me running through from my bedroom in just a towel. I pull open the door and stand there with water dripping off my body as Trey and Roman stand in front of me.

  “What?” I know I sound stressed, but they knocked like the whole place is on fire.

  “You are half an hour late for breakfast and you weren’t answering your cell. I thought there was something wrong.” The smirk on Roman’s face only gets larger when I hear a voice from over my shoulder. I don't even have to turn around to know that my worst nightmare is unfolding in from of everyone.

  “I'm sorry, that was my fault.”

  Trey’s eyes widen as he takes us in. This can’t be the first of him knowing that I'm sleeping with his best friend? Unless … maybe Nathan hasn’t told anyone because he’s ashamed of it? That thought has heat spreading over my cheeks from embarrassment and I want to run away. I’ve told Roman about us and I just assumed that Nathan would have told Trey, but now I think I might be very wrong about that.

  “You got in eventually then?”

  Nathan walks up behind me, standing really close as he answers Trey. “Yeah. I would have called but I got distracted.”

  Trey smirks at his response and I want the floor to open up and swallow me. “So I see. We’ll go get another table in the restaurant and let you both finish getting ready. I'm hungry though, so no more fucking.” He turns away, grabbing Roman’s hand as he walks towards the lift.

  “This is how I die. From embarrassment caused by the people I love the most.”

  Nathan’s eyes go wide and it takes me a minute to work out why. This is one of those moments when I know that I’ll never be able to tell him how I really feel. Even the mere mention of the word love and he’s freaking out.
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  I pretend that I find his reaction funny and that it isn’t making my chest tighten with pain at the thought of loving me being so difficult. I pat him on the shoulder before walking towards my room to get dressed. “I meant Roman and Trey you asshole.” When I get through my door I close it and lean back against it. We went from making each other come in my shower, to Nathan freaking out with the thought of me loving him in the space of five minutes. I blink back the tears that are starting to build. I can’t give in to the pain that’s threatening to take over. I knew that Nathan was like this from the very beginning, so I can’t act like any of this is his fault or even that much of a surprise. The only person to blame for my hurt is me.

  Chapter 19

  I grab my drink from the table in front of me and watch the people dancing on the floor below us. I spent the day with Roman and Trey going around all the different casinos but it’s not what I wanted to be doing. I’d come here with the plan to spend time with Grey but he’d vanished the second breakfast was done. He wasn’t even in the room when I got back to get ready for tonight, and Roman said something about him going to a salon. I'm not sure how long it takes to get his hair cut, but it’s been hours since I saw him last.

  I'm sitting next to Trey as we wait for the guys to arrive, but he's been quiet since we sat down. We’re in the raised area above the dance floor, surrounded by glass partitions so the music is quieter. I lean a little closer to Trey before speaking. “Want to talk?”

  He looks at me like he forgot I was there. He sighs and shrugs his shoulder. “Dalton was meant to come with us tonight, but he called to say that he couldn’t make it. Apparently he’ll explain everything tomorrow, but I can’t help but feel that there’s something really wrong with him.”

  I’ve only seen Dalton for a few minutes since I arrived, and even in that short time he didn’t look as though he was fully with us. I agree with Trey, there’s something going on with Dalton, but I think we just need to give him space to deal with whatever it is. “He's a big boy, Trey. You need to let him deal with it. He knows you’re here for him, so trust him to come to you for help if he needs it. He isn’t going to just vanish on you, and I know that's what you’re worried about. Just remember, Dalton has never left without saying goodbye.”

  Trey looks at me and his emotions are clear on his face. He knows that I'm telling the truth, but it will be hard for him to accept nonetheless. He loves his brother, and every time he comes home Trey spends the whole time scared he’ll just vanish. Finally he nods before grabbing his glass from the table. He downs the contents before signaling for the waitress. Paying extra for the VIP area might seem extreme to some people, but when it means that you don't have to stand at the bar and fight your way through the crowd, it’s worth every cent.

  The waitress walks away to get our order and a body collapses onto Trey’s lap. Roman smiles as he leans in for a kiss. My heart starts to race because it finally means that Grey is here somewhere. My reactions to him are frustrating the hell out of me, because I have no control over them at all, and I don't like that feeling at all. This morning when Grey mentioned the word love I was frozen with shock, but not for the reason I thought I would. The shock was at how happy the comment had made me feel, I felt like he had included me in the people that he loved. My happiness was short lived though, and I won’t admit how much it hurt when he said he had only meant Roman and Trey.

  Roman waves at me when he finally removes his lips from Trey. I nod back, but all I want to do is question him about where Grey is. I thought he would’ve been here by now since Roman’s here, but there’s no sign of him anywhere. I sit forward in my seat and try to see more of the dance floor in case Grey is down there, but again I can’t see him.

  I start to feel a little pissed off. I’ve waited all day to see him and he hasn’t even bothered to turn up. He could have called to let me know, there’s no way I want to play third wheel tonight.

  The waitress returns with our drinks order and I grab my glass straight from the tray. I down it and tell her to get me another before she has all the drinks on the table.

  I turn to see Roman smirking at me which only pisses me off even more. Apparently I'm not hiding my feelings very well, either that or Roman can read me better than I thought. “He won’t be long. It’s just taking him a while to get through the crowd. His new look is drawing attention.”

  That statement has me glaring at him. I know he's trying to get a reaction from me and right now I'm only too happy to give him one. I rise from my chair before I give in to my urge to smack him and walk over to the edge of the platform. I lean on my elbows and watch the room below me. I feel a body leaning on the railings next to me, and I don't have to turn my head to know that Roman has followed me. “Does he look that different?”

  I feel his shoulders shrug and I turn to see him chuckling at me. “You could say that. I think you might like it though.” He winks at me and that's when I know that Grey has told him everything.

  “I liked him before, so a new look won’t change much.”

  Roman is quiet as he leans over the small wall next to me. I look at him, watching as he chews on his bottom lip.

  “Spit it out.”

  “I'm just wondering what you’re doing with Grey?”

  I take my time to answer him, a little shocked that he's actually asked me. I tend to get the questions from Trey, but I suppose that Roman is Grey’s best friend, so has his best interests at heart. “Is this the if you hurt my best friend I will hurt you speech?” I smile, but he doesn’t join me.

  “No, this is the I think my best friend is really falling for you and I need to know you can spend the rest of your life not having sex with a woman chat. I want to know if this is just a phase for you, Nathan, because I don't want to see Grey hurt.”

  I look down at my hands to evade his stare. He’s just asked the one question I’ve been trying to avoid answering, even to myself. I know what he's saying is one hundred percent right, but I just don't know how to decide if being with a man full time is something I can do. I would probably lean towards saying I couldn’t because there is something about being with a woman that nothing can compare to. But since Grey I haven’t even thought of being with one, or if I'm being honest, anyone other than him. This is why I'm so confused. “I don't know what to say to you.”

  “And there lies the problem. He’s feeling very insecure knowing he has to be better than all the men and women out there. And if you have no intention of settling down then it’s wrong to make him think he has to. I'm not saying you have to declare your undying love for him, I’m just asking you to be careful with his heart. Do something for me, look down at the floor below and tell me who stands out more to you. Is it the men or women?”

  I look out over the crowd like he asks. There’s a mixture of dancers, all looking sexy in their outfits. Women in short skirts and tight tops, showing all their sexy curves to anyone who’s interested. Then there’s the men in tight pants and fitted shirts, the cut of their muscles making me want to run my hands over their bodies.

  I'm about to tell Roman that this is a stupid exercise and that there’s no way I can pick someone out of the huge crowd below when he catches my eye. He's standing towards the back of the floor talking to some guy and he takes my fucking breath away. I'm moving before I even think about it, brushing past anyone that's standing in my way. I can hear Roman saying something to me but it’s just a noise, my mind is focused on the guy I just saw.

  I push through the dancers when I get to the bottom of the stairs, needing to get to him before the guy he's with makes a move. I wouldn’t blame the stranger if he did, but that doesn’t mean I won’t knock him out if he touches what’s mine. The club fades around me as I approach, my eyes connecting with his. He stops talking and stares at me, his eyes heating when he sees me.

  Fuck. Me. Sideways.

  Grey is officially the sexiest thing I’ve seen in my life and he actually steals the breath from my lungs.
When he said he was going to do something different for tonight I never once imagined this. His hair that is normally brushing over his forehead is flicked straight back and held with product. The big change is the big chunk of bright purple that runs down the side of the slicked back area. I wouldn’t have imagined that it would look so good. It gives him a slightly naughty look and that can only be a good thing.

  The thing that has my attention isn’t his hair though; it’s something a whole lot sexier than that. I hadn’t noticed it before but it doesn’t look freshly done so it must have been something I missed. There’s a silver ring through the left side of his bottom lip and it’s making me want to kiss him so I can see what it feels like. The lights sparkle off it and I can’t resist any longer.

  I grab the back of his neck and pull him towards me, claiming his lips in front of everyone. I don't even care who sees me, because it will make everyone back off. His taste explodes in my mouth when he willingly opens to me, the sexy ring pressing into the flesh of my lips. Shit. All I can think about is how good it would feel running along my cock as Grey sucked me.

  Roman’s words start to work their way into my mind as I continue to kiss Grey. He's telling me not to hurt his friend and that I shouldn’t be giving him mixed signals if I won’t commit to him. It’s that reminder that has me pulling my lips away, but the satisfied look in Grey’s glazed eyes nearly has me going back for more. I grab his hand and start to pull him towards the stairs to the VIP area, if I'm going to survive this night I'm going to need a lot more to drink.

  I moan in pain as I roll over in bed. I need someone to stop the world from turning so I can get my head to stop pounding. I hear the message tone on my cell sound but there’s no way in this lifetime I'm going to be able to move to answer it. Actually, I think I will just lie here and die.