The Last Goodbye

by Caroline Finnerty

  “Oh my God, Elliott is Will’s son, isn’t he?” I said.

  Ben nodded. “When I thought about it, I remembered Will mentioning that he had a six-year-old son, that night we were in Ransan’s.”

  I nodded. “So what did you do then?”

  “Well, obviously I had to try and compose myself and act professionally. So I asked her if her husband was still in the family home, even though I already knew the answer to the question. But this is the worst bit: she shook her head and said, no, that she had thrown him out three weeks ago!”

  “But Nat said that he left her!”

  “I know,” Ben said, nodding.

  “But Nat wouldn’t lie to me!”

  “Well, someone is telling lies,” Ben said. “And I bet that it’s Will . . .”

  “So you think his wife threw him out and then he told Nat he had left her?” I was fuming.

  “Well, I wouldn’t put it past him and he would have needed somewhere to stay . . .”

  “The bastard!” My blood was boiling. I’d known the whole thing about him leaving his wife for Nat was too good to be true. “Oh God, poor Nat, she’s going to be devastated.”

  “So anyway, I said to her that that made sense because it was around the same time that I had first started noticing problems with Elliott. She got very upset then, saying, ‘God, I can’t believe this has affected the kids – I’ve been trying to keep it all together. I’ve been putting on a brave face and I thought the kids were doing okay but clearly not. I’m not good at anything – I thought I was a good mother but clearly I’m not even good at that. God, I can’t believe I’m telling you all of this – I’m so sorry, Mr Chamberlain – you must think I’m frightful!’ So I told her not to be so hard on herself, that she was obviously going through a difficult patch in her marriage and that it’s hard to keep it all together when you’re falling to pieces yourself. ‘That’s exactly how I feel,’ she said. ‘My heart is breaking because of what my husband has done, and then also because my boys are asking me when their daddy is coming home and I just feel as though I’m being pulled apart at the seams.’”

  “Oh my God, this is just awful!”

  “It gets worse . . .”

  “Go on . . .”

  “Well, then I asked her if there was any hope that her marriage could be salvaged.”

  “You did not?”

  “I had to, Kate –”

  “What did she say?” I felt sick in the pit of my stomach, waiting to hear what he was going to say.

  “She said that she hoped so, that she doesn’t want to raise the boys on her own and that they’re clearly suffering. She still loves him but she knows that he never really loved her in the same way and that it was probably her own fault because she had always hoped that he might one day grow to love her, especially after the children arrived. Basically she wants to fight for her marriage even though she knows that it’s going to be hard to trust him again, but that the boys have to come first.”

  “Oh no!”

  Ben nodded his head.

  “So she’s going to take him back?”

  “Well, that’s the impression I got. And it sounded as though it was her decision – like Will will do whatever she tells him to do!”

  My heart broke for this woman but it also broke for Nat because this wasn’t good news for her.

  “I felt so guilty watching her break down in front of me when all the time I’ve been complicit in her husband’s affair.”

  “You didn’t know though.”

  “It’s such a mess – are you going to tell Nat?”

  “I don’t know what to do, Ben – she’s my best friend but this will break her heart. I can’t believe the bastard told her that he had left his wife for her!”

  “What is he playing at?”

  “Oh God, I really don’t want to be the one to have to tell her, Ben. This is going to kill her . . .”

  “I know, Kate, but you don’t really have many options, do you?”

  I stood up off the sofa, pulled my hands down over my face and exhaled loudly. “Shit!”

  Chapter 16

  I didn’t sleep that night, worrying about telling Nat and how I was going to break it to her. I took my time walking down the sandstone pavement towards the gallery the next morning, trying to delay the inevitable. I saw her outside, chaining up her bike.

  “Morning!” she sang brightly as I got closer to her.

  “Hi, there.”

  We went inside and busied ourselves with our usual morning routine. My stomach flipped every time I thought about the conversation that I needed to have with her. After several false attempts, eventually I took a deep breath and came out with it.

  “What school do Will’s children go to?” I tried to sound casual but even I could hear the nervousness in my own voice.

  “Oh God, Kate . . . I’m not sure of the name of it . . . what do you want to know that for?” She used her baby finger to pull a strand of hair away from in front of her eye.

  “Well, what are his kids’ names?”

  “Why do you want to know, Kate?”

  “I think one of them might be in Ben’s class.”

  “Oh! Well, Elliott is the only one in school – the other two are in nursery.”

  “Sit down, Nat.”

  “Why – Kate, you’re freaking me out -”

  “Will didn’t leave his wife – she threw him out.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “Ben is Elliott’s teacher. He had a meeting with his mum yesterday, Will’s wife – Thea – is that her name?”

  “Yes, but –”

  “He was concerned because Elliott was falling behind and he knew something was up so he called Thea in to meet him and she broke down in front of him and told him that she had thrown her husband out recently because she discovered he had been having an affair.”

  Nat looked as though I had kicked her full force in the stomach. Her face blanched. “But how do you know she wasn’t lying?”

  “Why would she lie to Ben – what reason would she have? She didn’t know that he knew you and Will!”

  “Will wouldn’t lie to me.”

  “Well, someone is telling lies here . . . look, there’s more.”

  “What?”

  “Well, she said she’s going to take him back – she sees the children are suffering and she wants to try and save her marriage for their sakes.”

  “Well, then, why was he still in my place this morning, Kate? You’ve got this all wrong!” She looked at me despairingly like she was rapidly losing patience with our friendship.

  “Well, it only happened yesterday so perhaps they haven’t spoken about it yet.”

  “Kate, how can you be so vindictive? You don’t even know for sure.”

  “But, c’mon, Nat, you have to admit it’s a bit too much of a coincidence!”

  “I know you never approved of Will but this is a step too far even for you, Kate! Will wouldn’t do that.”

  “But why would his wife lie to Ben?”

  “Well, I’ll call him now then, shall I?” Angrily she lifted the phone and punched out Will’s number.

  I looked away while she waited on him to pick up.

  Eventually she left a voice message. “Hi, it’s me – look, can you call me when you get a second, please?”

  We didn’t say much after that. I went upstairs and took Sam’s photos off the wall – we were moving him into the window downstairs as we were getting such a good reaction to him.

  We didn’t really speak for the rest of the day. The tension was heavy in the air between us. I knew she was pissed off and I was starting to doubt myself. What if Ben and I had got this all wrong? Nat might never forgive me for it. I hoped I hadn’t just thrown away our friendship.

  I saw her pick up the phone later. I presumed she was trying him again. I could see that she looked uneasy.

  “Look, Nat, do you want me to go home with you – y’know, just in case?” I said when we
were finishing up to go home.

  “Oh I don’t think so, Kate!” she said, grabbing her bag off the desk.

  I picked mine up too and put it over my shoulder. We locked up wordlessly and Nat unchained her bike and cycled off without even a goodbye.

  Nat 2012

  Chapter 17

  I pounded the pedals on my bike the whole way home. All I could think of was fucking Kate and her stupid theories. Why couldn’t she just be happy for me for once? She always had to stick her nose in. And why the fuck was Will not picking up? We were supposed to be going out tonight but I hadn’t heard from him all day.

  I breathed the city air deep into my lungs and powered on. I stopped at a red light, before taking off again when it changed. I went to go straight but the car beside me was turning left and he had to jam on. I stopped the bike just in time. He sat on his horn. Instantly I felt my temper rise.

  “Watch where you’re going!” I roared at him. I could see him shouting back at me through the glass. I gave him the finger and got back up on my bike.

  I reached my flat and opened the door. Will’s car was already outside. Well, thank goodness for that, I thought. I wheeled my bike into the hall and climbed the stairs.

  When I opened the door and saw the suitcases, the same ones that he had used to move in just three weeks earlier, I knew. The expression on his face said the rest.

  “What’s going on, Will?”

  “I’m sorry, Nat – I’m so, so sorry.” There were tears in his eyes. “I have to go home.”

  “No – Will – no – please don’t do this!” I begged.

  “She wants me back – I have to go.”

  “But why?”

  “I have to – she rang me today to talk. The kids have taken the break-up badly and she wants me to come home.”

  “But you left her for me – you can’t just change your mind three weeks later!”

  “I didn’t.”

  “Didn’t what?”

  “I didn’t leave her . . .” He let out a heavy sigh. “She threw me out.”

  So Kate was right. “But, but . . . you said, you said that you left her?”

  “No, I didn’t, Nat, I never said that I’d left her.”

  “But . . .” None of this was making any sense to me.

  “She overheard us talking on the night you rang to finish with me. She confronted me then. After talking to you I was a broken man and I didn’t bother trying to deny it. So I came clean. I told her everything and she threw me out. And then when I turned up here with my suitcases, well . . . you just assumed that I had left her and I didn’t have the heart to tell you . . . I’m sorry, Nat, I should have been upfront with you.”

  “So you came running to me then – oh, good old Nat will take me in, was that it?”

  He shook his head and came over and put his arms around me. I pushed him away.

  “No – it wasn’t like that. I wanted to be with you.”

  “Wanted?”

  “Want – I still want to be with you. The last three weeks, waking up beside you every morning, have been the best of my life – but I have to go.”

  “So that’s all I was then? A roof over your head – a stopgap while your wife made her mind up about what the future held for her marriage?”

  “No, Nat – that’s not it at all. That was never it. I love you, you know I do.”

  “But you lied – you let me think that you had left her to be with me!”

  “Because I knew you’d think I didn’t choose to be with you otherwise.”

  “Well, you didn’t!” I was screaming now. I could hear my own voice shrill with emotion and it didn’t sound like me at all.

  “But it’s you that I want to be with – you know that if things were different –”

  “I never asked you to leave your wife! I was happy with the way things were. You didn’t have to lie to me, Will!”

  “I know, Nat – if you only knew how shit I feel right now.”

  “I had accepted that you would never leave your kids, so then, when you landed on my doorstep telling me that your marriage was over, I thought it was a dream come true – something I had never dared hope might happen! You’ve sent me up to the top of the world so I felt I was flying above the clouds and then brought me back down again, without the parachute!”

  He said nothing.

  “I just can’t believe you would do that to me. I thought what we had was special,” I said in disbelief.

  “It was – is. Look, you have to believe me: if I had my time again, I would be with you and only you.”

  “There you go again, why do you keep saying that? Look, it’s not too late, Will. You don’t have to go. Just stay here – with me. I know it will be tough for a while but you’ll ride it out – you’re strong.” I walked over and brushed his cheek with my finger. There was a faint trace of stubble. I ran my finger over the scar in his eyebrow from when he fell against the kitchen table as a child. I knew every inch of his face – what his face felt like under my fingertips. What he tasted like. How he breathed. Everything.

  “But can’t you see? It’s just not that straightforward. We have three children together and she doesn’t want them to grow up in a broken home. Elliott’s teacher called her in for a meeting yesterday because he’s falling behind. It’s affecting them.”

  “I know.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Ben, Kate’s husband, is Elliott’s teacher.”

  “Ben is Mr Chamberlain?” he asked incredulously.

  I nodded.

  “But when did you find this out?”

  “Only today,” I sighed. “Ben was telling Kate about his meeting with a pupil’s mum yesterday and they put two and two together and realised that the pupil’s mum was also your wife.”

  “I see.” He ran his hands down over his face. “Fucking hell, what are the chances of that in a city of over eight million people!”

  “Please don’t go, Will.”

  “She calls the shots. It could never be any other way – it’s not my decision!”

  “Of course it’s your decision.”

  “I have to go, Nat – whatever she wants I have to do it.”

  “No, you don’t, Will. No, you don’t! You’re a grown man so why can’t you stand up to her?”

  “She has me over a barrel – she hasn’t told her father about what happened yet but, if she does, I can guarantee that he’ll squeeze me out of the firm.”

  “But even if you go back to her, she still could tell her dad and what’s to say he won’t push you out then?”

  “He wouldn’t do that, because it would injure her and the children. In any case, she won’t tell him – I know her – she’s too proud. And everything – our whole lives – is built around my job. If I go home we’ll go back to our charade of happy families and no one will ever know about this.”

  “So that’s what it all comes down to – the prestige of your job means more than what you have with me – is that it?” I spat at him.

  “It’s not that simple, Nat – you know that. It’s not just the job – we have three children together too.”

  “But you can’t, Will, you can’t do this to me!” I was trying hard to digest what he was telling me. I started to cry then. I think it was starting to hit me. “Why did you marry her?” Tears of frustration and desperation spilled down my face because things were spinning so far out of my control. This was not in my hands.

  “You know why. I had no choice.”

  “Yes, you had – we all have choices in life but you wanted the glory of being at the top.”

  “Yeah, you’re right, I did.”

  “But you don’t have to keep on living by one wrong choice.”

  “Yes, I do,” he said wearily. “My whole life is built around Thea – she’s my wife, the mother of my children, the daughter of my boss, the friend of my friends’ wives.”

  “But money isn’t everything. You would walk into another job tomorrow. Surely
love means more than a job?” I knew I was pleading, begging even.

  “It’s not just a job, Nat – I have worked hard my entire life to prove myself and to get to where I am today – I have three children who I can afford to put through the best public schools and top universities, who can go on skiing holidays to Klosters in the winter, Sandy Lane in Barbados in the summer and to the south of France at half-term. They do after-school activities that I have never even heard of. They will grow up and marry people like them, who grew up with the same privileges that they had. I can give them all of that. They can have everything that I never had growing up. Love can’t put food on the table or provide the upbringing for my family that I never had, but money can.”

  His words pierced through me. I slapped him across the face then. It just happened – I didn’t know I was going to do it. We both recoiled from the shock. I had never hit anybody in my life before.

  “I suppose I probably deserve that,” he said as he put a hand up gingerly to touch his face.

  The palm of my hand stung as the blood rushed to the surface of my skin from the force of the slap, so it must have hurt him.

  “So that’s it then, it all comes down to money,” I said, my voice bitter.

  “Please, Nat, I don’t want things to end like this.”

  He reached for my hand. I could feel the roughness of his skin as I pulled away from his touch.

  “I think you should leave now,” I said coolly.

  I held open the door for him. He walked out the door with his cases. He stood there and looked at me.

  “I’m sorry.” And then he turned and walked down the stairs.

  I knew this would be how it ended – deep down I had always known it.

  After he had gone, I closed the door and dissolved into a heap on the floor. I raged and I threw things around my living room. Bell X1’s ‘Eve’ was playing on the radio in the background. I had never listened to the words properly before but they seemed so apt now. Then I had to run to the bathroom to be sick. I sat on the cool white tiles of my bathroom floor, with my back resting against the shower door. I cried breathless tears that just kept on coming.