The Last Goodbye

by Caroline Finnerty

  I don’t know how long I stayed like that because when I woke up I was still slumped on the floor and it was bright outside. My neck was stiff and sore from the angle that my head had been hanging at. I stood up, using the shower to lever me, and walked over to the sink and splashed water on my face. I stood staring at myself in the mirror, water dripping off my face. I looked terrible. My mascara had run down my cheeks leaving kohl trails, like something painted by a child on a white page with watery paints. My whole body literally ached for him. I had given him my heart and he had trampled on it.

  On autopilot, I took off my clothes and got into the shower. I just stood there, letting the water drain down around me, unable to squirt shower gel onto my loofah or raise my arms to shampoo my hair. This was what happened when you opened yourself up to someone, I thought – you paid the price.

  Chapter 18

  I honestly never set out to have an affair. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that I always thought that women who had affairs with married men were somehow weak and needy and even a bit dysfunctional. But I now know that we don’t choose who we fall in love with. My usual types were musicians, artists, that sort. The scraggly hair, unkempt clothing, that whole skinny-tortured-artist look did it for me. They were usually distant sorts and usually had their problems. But Will was the very opposite of all of that. He was loving and attentive – when I was with him no one else mattered. He wore suits tailored in Savile Row, white-collared dress shirts with cufflinks, silk ties and shiny Oxford shoes – in fact, he was the furthest removed thing from a tortured artist. He was a partner in a leading City investment bank. But he did have something in common with those other men, a roughness around the edges. He had a ruddiness in his cheeks and lines in his face that no amount of money could eradicate.

  He grew up on a council estate in Slough – his dad was a plumber and his mum a cleaner. He went to the local co-ed school. He got the job in the bank through a stroke of luck. He had been selling cars as a seventeen-year-old when a banker came in to buy a car from him. The man had been so impressed by Will’s bolshiness that he had offered him a job as a junior trader. Will moved to London and had started on the floor alongside people with college degrees, but he had quickly learned the ropes. His aggressive nature stood to him and he wasn’t afraid to put in the hours. He was promoted to senior trader soon after, then to floor manager, and he continued to work his way up until he was made partner. It was where he had met his wife Thea. She was the daughter of the company’s founder and head of the board but he hadn’t known this when they first met. He told me that it was clear that she liked him from early on, so he had asked her out. They had started seeing each other casually for a while but it was obvious that she wanted more from their relationship whereas he wasn’t looking for anything serious. It was at the same time that Will had made up his mind to finish with her that she had dropped the bombshell of who her father was. He hadn’t had the balls to end it then. Will knew already that he didn’t quite fit in with the usual fuddy-duddy Eton-educated types that populated the top ranks of the company and he was afraid that if he crossed her, he could kiss goodbye to any chance he had of gaining access to the higher echelons that he so desperately craved. So their relationship had coasted along and he tried his best to make it work. He had wooed her with romantic gestures like punting along the River Cam and lunchtime picnics on the Heath. He had even surprised her with a once-in-a-lifetime holiday to the Galapagos Islands. Weekends were spent visiting her friends or licking arse on the golf course with her parents. He had asked her father for her hand in marriage soon after and then he had proposed. He told me that their wedding had been a lavish affair – there were more people from the firm there than from his own family but it suited him that way. Their honeymoon had cost more per night than most people in London spent on rent in an entire month. Two weeks after they came back from honeymoon, Thea had found out she was pregnant and then her father had finally made him a partner. That was the way it was.

  We met when his firm had hired the gallery for a party to thank their clients. We did it the odd time, rented the gallery out as a venue – usually it was to friends of Tabitha’s or to some of our regular customers that enquired about using it. It provided some further income and also we sometimes sold photos during private events, so it was good for marketing as well. I was liaising with Will’s personal assistant to organise the details like the catering and the wine. I had been left open-mouthed at the wine bill – each bottle cost upwards of two hundred pounds but it seemed as though money was no obstacle for this company. After the guests had gone home, Will had come down to thank us. I had been struck by his tall broad stature and the twinkle in his eyes. I guessed that he was close to fortyish. He had a little paunch around the waist but other than that he was in good shape. He had given Kate and me a leftover case of wine to share – we had debated as to whether or not to sell it on eBay but then Kate had said, “Fuck it – when are we ever going to get the chance to try wine like this again!” and we uncorked a bottle, then another and another.

  He had called me personally the next day to thank me for my help. The party was very successful and their clients had been impressed. He used the gallery a few more times after that for other events and I came to know him. Then, by chance, I met him in a wine bar one night and we got chatting and ended up spending the whole night together just talking. Properly talking. I had never felt so at ease with anyone before.

  He told me from the start that he was married – he never hid it from me – but the chemistry between us was obvious and we both knew it was the start of something special. There was an intensity between us that I had never experienced before. We could spend hours just staring at each other, with neither one of us needing to speak. It soon became a regular thing and, yes, the sex was great – some of the best I had ever had – but there were also tender moments when I would lie against his bare chest with its sparse hairs that shot up randomly and we would just talk until the sun came up. It wasn’t the money or the glamorous lifestyle that attracted me – I can honestly say that none of that mattered to me.

  The only way I could describe the aftermath of Will leaving was that I existed day to day. I went to work, I came home. I could still smell his aftershave on the sheets – it took me ages to finally give in and wash them. I went out with friends or over to Kate and Ben’s place to hang out. Kate had tried talking to me about it but it just hurt too much and I would change the subject. Anyway she had enough going on with being pregnant and everything. And, if I’m honest, I wasn’t sure that she really got it. I think Kate thinks that I have commitment issues. She always says that I choose men that are wrong for me. I reckon she thinks that I chose Will purposely because he was married but that’s just silly. She sees it as quite black and white, that I was just another mistress being cast aside as soon as the wife found out and in many ways I was, but I knew I meant more to him than that. I could almost see Kate trying to leave her judgment-hat off and just listen to me but she really thought I’d been saved more heartache in the long run. I knew she and Ben felt sorry for Thea and I did too – I felt sorry for everyone involved in the whole sorry mess – there were no winners. Kate kept telling me that I would meet someone else but I wasn’t looking for a replacement – I didn’t want to be with just anyone. I wasn’t sad because I was on my own, I was sad because I had lost him. She didn’t see that. I just wanted Will, not anybody else, just him. You can’t substitute one love for another.

  I saw him two weeks later, just by chance, in a café. I was ordering a coffee to go and there he was sitting in the corner. I had to look twice. My heart had started racing and I could feel myself starting to sweat. He didn’t see me though – he was too engrossed in writing a message on his Blackberry. I was glad because it allowed me to stare at him for a few moments. I longed with every part of me to go up to him and for him to take me in his arms and hold me against his chest so I could hear his heart and whatever other rumblings we
nt on beneath his skin. I desperately wanted to touch his familiar face. He was so near – I reckon there were about five metres between us. I knew I could just walk over there and in a few strides he could be back in my life again. It was that close. My heart said it was fate and that I should take my chances and go over to him. I longed to be back in his life even if I could only just have a small part of it but, instead, I had taken my coffee and left the shop quickly. I forgot to get my sugar.

  If anyone had asked me if I would do it all again, knowing the way it was going to end, then I would have said ‘Yes, in a heartbeat’. The few months that he was in my life were worth the pain, rather than saving myself the heartache and never having met him at all. He had changed me. He was the first man I had ever truly opened myself up to. I now knew what true love really was and for that I was thankful.

  Kate 2012

  Chapter 19

  Nat didn’t show for work the day after I told her about Will so I knew something had happened. I tried ringing her but she didn’t answer. I decided to write a ‘closed for lunch’ sign by hand and stick it inside the door and make my way over to her place. When I arrived I pressed the buzzer but there was no answer so I pressed it again. When there was still no answer I took out my phone and rang her. I looked to the upstairs window and there was a light on so I sat on the buzzer again.

  “Look, Nat, I know you’re home – just let me in.”

  Soon after I heard the latch release and I pushed the door and went upstairs.

  She looked frightful. She didn’t need to say anything. I knew that he was gone. I went over and threw my arms around her and she sobbed into my shoulder.

  It broke my heart to see Nat so upset over the next few weeks. I was trying really hard to be understanding and to be there for her but I never seemed to be able to do or say the right thing. I would invite her over to ours for something to eat and she and Ben would share a bottle of wine while I stuck with my sparkling water – with a slice of lime if I was feeling really wild. But it was like Nat had changed as a person on the day that he had left her. It was just a slight change and, if you didn’t know her too well, you wouldn’t notice it, but there was a change in her nonetheless. She didn’t have that same enthusiasm and energy for things any more. It was like she was just going through the motions of life. I knew she found it hard to open up to me about it all. I would ask her how she was doing and she would brush me off, saying she was fine, or she would try to change the subject. But something had shifted between us when she had broken up with Will. It was unsaid of course but we both knew it was there all the same. I think it was partly because Ben had actually met Thea. There was just a little bit of awkwardness between them although neither would admit it. I knew Ben was very sympathetic towards Thea and of course my sympathies were with Nat, but I also felt awful for poor Thea. Ben had said there had been a dramatic improvement in Elliott in the days following his meeting with Thea and he could only assume it was because his dad had come home again.

  Nat had met Gill, the woman who was seeing a friend of Will’s, for lunch. She heard that he was trying really, really hard to make a go of his marriage but that he had been devastated when his relationship with Nat ended. I was glad to hear that he was making a go of it though, at least for his kids’ sake. If anything good was to come out of it, it was that.

  A few days later I came in from work and I sat down to dinner with Ben. He had made a lamb tagine for us, which I practically inhaled I was so hungry. My appetite had come back full swing over the last couple of weeks and I was making up for all the food that I hadn’t eaten at the start.

  We started cleaning up after dinner. Ben was cleaning down the worktops while I did the dishes and let them air-dry even though I knew it was a pet peeve of Ben’s. I sat down again at the little table which we had bought in IKEA because its sides could be folded down. We thought we’d do it after dinner every evening to give us some space but after the first few days we got lazy and never bothered doing it any more.

  “I have something for you.” He turned away from the cooker where he was busy scrubbing off a tomato stain. He took two pieces of paper off the worktop in the kitchen and handed them to me.

  “What’s this?” I asked, unfolding them.

  “Tickets.”

  “For where?”

  “Dublin.”

  I looked up at him.

  “How dare you!” I said angrily.

  “Look, Kate, if I don’t make you go, you never will.”

  “When are they for?”

  “This weekend.”

  “This weekend! But I probably won’t be able to fly.”

  “I’ve already checked – the airline will let you fly up to thirty-five weeks and you’ll be just gone thirty-one – but you will need to get a cert from your doctor. It’s only short-haul anyway.”

  Typically Ben was Mr Organised. I checked the tickets. We were flying out on a Friday morning and returning on a Sunday. Two whole days.

  “Well, I might not be able to get the time off work.” I knew it was lame.

  “Come on, Kate – since when have you ever had a problem getting time off? And it’s only the Friday that you need! You know Nat will cover for you for one day, like you do for her when she goes away.”

  “You shouldn’t have done this. You think a trip home will fix everything – well, it won’t!” Even just thinking about it made my stomach lurch. My heart was beating wildly in my chest. “You can’t interfere in my life.”

  “Kate, it isn’t just your life now – we’re having a baby together, remember?” He looked hurt.

  “Yeah, well, I don’t know why you’re so obsessed with raking over the past!”

  “Go on – ring your dad now and tell him you’re coming home.”

  “I can’t now!” I spluttered. “It’s too late, it’s nearly nine o’clock – he’ll think there’s something wrong if I ring at this hour of the night!”

  “Well, then, ring him first thing in the morning, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise.”

  Chapter 20

  The next day in work I was trying to concentrate on the words on the screen in front of me but I was finding it difficult. My mind kept wandering. The thought of ringing Dad and then what I was going to say to him kept interrupting my concentration. It was one of those things where it was actually embarrassing how long I had put off ringing him and now it was very hard to pick up the phone.

  At lunchtime Nat went to the deli up the street to get our usual order of sandwiches. While she was gone and I had the gallery to myself, I took a deep breath and dialled Dad’s number. It rang and rang and I was secretly relieved at the reprieve when he didn’t answer. I was just about to hang up when I heard his voice on the other end.

  “Hello – 065873.”

  He still insisted on repeating the old number back whenever he answered the phone. That was the number when we were kids – there was a six in front of it nowadays. His voice sounded croakier than the last time. Older.

  “Hi, Dad – it’s me.”

  “Kate? Is that you, Kate?”

  I knew he was happy to hear from me and then the guilt wound itself ever tighter.

  “How are you, Dad?”

  “Well, I’m grand now, Kate – all the better for hearing from you. How are you getting on over there?”

  “Great, thanks, Dad.”

  “And how’s Ben keeping?”

  “He’s good. How are Patrick and Seán?”

  “Ah sure, not a bother on the pair of them! Patrick is kept going on the farm and Seán is working all hours in Acton’s. He always was good at the sums, that fella.”

  Acton’s was an accountancy practice in the town. It was a third-generation family business and was now run by George Acton, the original founder’s grandson.

  “Well, I hope they’re paying him well.” The Acton family was always known around the town for being tight with their mone
y.

  Dad laughed. “And Aoife is good too . . .”

  “Oh right . . . yeah.”

  There was an awkward pause.

  “Look, Dad, the reason I was ringing is because, well . . . Ben and I are going to come home on a visit – this Friday actually.”

  “Well, that’s great news, Kate – I’m looking forward to finally meeting him.”

  “We have some news for you as well.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “I’ll tell you when we get there – no point doing it over the phone.”

  “Well, I can pick you up in the airport.”

  “There’s no need, Dad – we can get the bus or hire a car.”

  “I haven’t seen you in so long, Kate – there’s no way I’m letting you get the bus.”

  After I had given him our flight details we said our goodbyes and hung up. Nat came back then and handed me my sandwich. But, even though I had been dying for mine, I found I couldn’t stomach it.

  “What’s wrong, darling? Did I get the wrong sandwich?” Nat said, noticing my expression. “I asked for the usual – I’ll go mad if they’ve made a mess of it!” She took the sandwich back off me quickly and took it apart to check that it contained the ham, cheese and tomato that she had ordered.

  “It’s nothing – it’s just my stupid hormones, is all.” I felt tears prick my eyes and wiped them quickly with the backs of my hands.

  “Well, bloody hell, that’s some mood-swing! When I left you five minutes ago you were fine!”

  “I just rang my dad.”

  “Ah, I see. And?”

  “Well, Ben bought tickets for us both to fly home on Friday. I rang Dad to tell him.”

  “I’d say he’ll be delighted to see you,” she said gently.