We've Only Just Begun

by Kathleen Ball

  Did that mean he loved her? “Of course you don’t.” A chilled rolled through her, and she shivered. “It’s cold tonight. I’m—”

  Mike shifted so she was flat on her back with him looking down on her. He lowered his head until his lips touched hers. She couldn’t help but moan, and before she knew it, he’d deepened the kiss. It was beyond any kiss she’d ever experienced. It was almost as though it was full of love. Emotion fluttered in her heart, answering the heat that swept through her body. Still, she hesitated. What if it were all a dream? Or worse, no more than a fleeting moment? He slanted his masculine lips over hers, and all thought left her head as she experienced the feel and taste of him. Coffee and mint; she’d remember that combination the rest of her days. His lips softened as he pressed a bit harder against her. Then she felt it. Desire for this man built in her body so much that it became an ache inside of her. He kissed her neck, and she almost squealed in delight.

  She ran her hands over his broad shoulders and his muscled back. He made her feel safe and much cherished. He filled the lonely hole in her heart, and she wished he’d never stop kissing her. But stop he did.

  He pulled away and lay on his back, breathing hard. After a moment, he pulled her down so her head lay on his chest, and then he enfolded her in his brawny arms. His heartbeat was loud and fast against her ear. He stroked her back until she drifted off.

  When she woke the next morning, her hand automatically went to the empty place beside her. It was too much, trying to keep a distance between them. It wasn’t working anyway. Perhaps he’d change his mind and stay with her in Oregon. She dressed and shook her head. No, he wouldn’t stay, and she couldn’t expect him too. She’d take what time she had with him and be grateful that she’d have memories to live on.

  Some of her sadness vanished. It was as though she had found a purpose instead of just drifting from day to day. She was a survivor, and things could be so much worse. No more feeling sorry for herself. Life was for the living, and she needed to stop acting as though she was half dead.

  As soon as she placed her last hairpin into her hair, she climbed out of the wagon and smiled. The sun would rise soon, and it was going to be a glorious day. Her smile grew even wider when she saw Mike squatting before the fire smiling back at her.

  “It’s going to be a good day. I can feel it,” she said.

  Mike stood and nodded. “It’ll be a hard one but good. I want you to be careful walking down the path. You’ll need to lead the oxen.” He stepped around the fire and stood in front of her. After the slightest pause, he cupped her face in his hands. “Can you handle that?” He didn’t wait for an answer, but instead he lowered his head and placed his lips against hers.

  The kiss was almost hesitant at first but it quickly grew into a much deeper kiss until her knees felt weak. Mike was certainly a good kisser. It was almost as though he could communicate his feeling through his kisses. She was being fanciful, but she’d go on being fanciful for as long as she could.

  Later, as she walked down the trail, she cringed as she watched the men lower the wagons. She held her breath as each was lowered until they were safely on the ground below. It was a wonder that the first people to travel to Oregon kept going. She would have looked at the drop and thought there was no way to continue with a wagon but there they were, lowering them with ropes.

  It took every waking hour to get all the wagons down. The people who got there first made fires and coffee for the rest as they waited for their wagons. It was nice to see everyone getting along for a change. There were no snide remarks or whispers behind hands. They all liked Mike, so they left her alone. The reason shouldn’t matter as much, but in a way it did. Trudy even smiled at her, and Susan smiled back. They’d never be friends, but it was nice to not have to cringe every time she saw Trudy.

  That night and the next few, Mike came to bed exhausted and barely gave her a peck on the lips before he fell asleep. It was disquieting to lay there with such yearning inside of her.

  Chapter Twelve

  They were making good time, and Mike was sure they’d beat the snow. The last few weeks had been grueling in so many ways. He decided he had to leave Susan alone. She was a kind, respectable woman, and he had no business kissing her. Part of the reason he’d pushed so hard was he wanted to be dead tired each night. She drew him to her, and it was a great effort to stay away. She’d looked a bit sad and lonely the last week, and he knew he was the cause but it was for the best.

  He’d thought of asking her to wait on the ranch while he made trips back and forth as a guide but soon realized it wouldn’t be fair to her. She was his sweetness, his heart and his soul. It was so easy to love her. Her beauty shone inside and out.

  The creek was cold, but he dunked himself in it anyway. He needed to cool off. The very thing he loved most was pure torture for him. Holding her at night was making him crazy, but he couldn’t be without her. He heard a gasp coming from the bank and a smile crept over his face when he saw Susan.

  “Howdy. I thought I’d clean off some of the trail dust.” He watched as her face grew red. He expected her to run back to the circle, but she stood and stared at his chest.

  He took one step then another, revealing more and more of himself as he moved toward her. Still she stared. One more step and she’d see all of him. His stomach fluttered as his heart quickened. He took that step, still standing in the water next to the creek bank. Her staring had such an effect on him, he was forced to cover himself with his hands.

  “You can turn around now.”

  She drew a harsh breath as though she hadn’t really known she had been staring. Her hands flew to her face and covered her reddened cheeks. Quickly, she turned around and then ran toward camp.

  Mike chuckled. She didn’t seem afraid of him. That was good to know. But he longed for her too much. As soon as he got dressed in clean clothes, he volunteered for guard duty. He couldn’t lie next to her and not take her. At least not tonight. He’d never find another like Susan, and he didn’t even want to try. She was a once in a lifetime love.

  It’d been weeks since Mike had slept next to her, and every morning her heart cracked a bit more. She was afraid it would be completely shattered by the time they reached the Willamette settlements. The loss of Natalie and Lily made it all the more difficult for her to try to be cheerful. Savana lectured her almost every day about keeping her chin up.

  Savana had a point. They were lucky to be alive and almost at the end of their journey. Since people were starting to head in different directions to land they had purchased, a dance was planned for that evening.

  Sitting up in the early morning, she touched the cold spot next to her and frowned. No doubt he’d have guard duty while the rest of the travelers celebrated. Savana and Clarke were due to part from the train in two days so this was a good-bye party.

  How strange it was that she hadn’t known these people before the trip, but now she couldn’t imagine being without them. She got out of bed and quickly clothed herself. There was a dress at the bottom of her trunk, and she decided to wear it tonight. It was her very best dress and she bet it was full of wrinkles. After moving around crates and boxes, she finally made it to her trunk. She’d been so frazzled she hadn’t thought about wearing the dress for her wedding. She dug deep and frowned when she touched something metal. She pulled up a box, a heavy box, placed it on the floor, and opened it. Her eyes widened. It was full of gold coins. This had to be what Big Bart had been after the whole time. Clancy somehow had stashed gold in their wagon. Maybe it had been Clancy’s all along. Rich! She was rich! A bit of laughter bubbled up from inside. She was rich and miserable. Her heart felt as cold as the coins. Carefully, she put the box back where she had found it, took out her green dress, and hung it from the top of the wagon.

  Try as she might to keep her mind busy, she couldn’t stop wondering about the money. Had Bart known about it? What if he had swapped out the good water for the foul water before Clancy died. That h
ad always bothered her. Bart would have known better than to fill the barrel up with that wretched water, especially since Mike had warned them all. Things began to fall into place. No wonder Bart wanted her dead. She stood in the way of his fortune.

  Chills wrapped around her spine. Bart had gotten what he deserved in the end.

  Now she had the means to do anything she wanted. She didn’t have to go on to Mike’s ranch. It was a lot to think about.

  The coffee was ready, bacon was frying, and the biscuits were done. Mike would show up soon. He did it for appearance’s sake, and that hurt too. It wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t help the way he felt, and he’d made it obvious he didn’t want or need a wife.

  He had a day’s growth of whiskers on his face but it only made him all the more handsome. Digging deep, she summoned up a smile and poured him some coffee.

  “It was chilly last night,” she remarked.

  He studied his coffee for a bit before answering. “You’ll want to use an extra blanket.”

  Her heart momentarily stopped. “That’s probably a good idea.”

  “Listen, about the party tonight. Don’t wait for me to escort you. I have guard duty. It’s the least I can do for everyone.”

  Everyone but me, she wanted to yell. “Fine.” Taking a deep, shuddering breath, she walked away from camp. She needed a bit of privacy and it wouldn’t do for anyone to see her tears. It would all be fine. Everything would be fine. Heck, she didn’t believe it for a moment. Tears ran down her face, and she didn’t try to stem them. There were plenty more to come. In the back of her mind she’d known; she had known it would all end this way, but somehow her heart wouldn’t acknowledge it. She was paying the price but the price was much higher than she ever imagined.

  Savana called her name, jarring her out of her musings. Quickly she wiped her eyes and walked out to meet her friend. Her eyes were bound to be red and puffy, but there was no help for it.

  “I’m glad I found you. Mike was getting worried.” Savana reached out and linked her arm with Susan’s. “Mike has your wagon all packed and ready to go. I know you’re going through a hard time, but no matter what we must keep putting one foot in front of the other. God has a plan for you.”

  Susan nodded absently and walked the rest of the way herself. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Savana was right? Everything was set and ready, so all she had to do was climb up into the front and drive. A plate with bacon and biscuits was sitting on the bench seat along with her coffee. Mike most probably left it for her. He was nowhere in sight.

  They decided to cut the noon stop short so they could stop for the day earlier than usual. Everyone was excited for the dance and eager to get it started. Connie and Trudy both stopped by her wagon, asking if Mike would be attending with her. Their question ate at her until evening.

  While everyone else was getting gussied up, Susan decided to do some laundry. She took her green dress down and threw it back into the trunk. There was no sense looking at it. Savana and Clarke were disappointed she’d decided not to go, but they understood. She just couldn’t pretend any longer. The first strains of the fiddle twisted around her heart. Someday she’d get over Mike.

  First, she’d have to say farewell to the Motts. One goodbye at a time. What was her fate to be? She had the means now to do anything she wished. Her shoulders sagged. The gold now belonged to Mike. She shook her head. He wouldn’t keep it. Unfortunately, what she wished for didn’t have a price tag.

  She washed her and Mike’s clothes, scrubbing so hard it hurt, but the task distracted her from the celebration. Wiping the sweat off her brow with her sleeve, she sat back on her crate to rest for a moment. It really was a celebration of all their hard work. Some had fared better than others. Some had lost people they loved, and others had found an inner strength they didn’t know they had. Life wasn’t something one could always control. The number of graves they passed by was testament to that. Things were ever changing.

  All she had left to do was empty the water from the tub and then she’d turn in for the night. Taking a deep breath, she held it a moment then let it out slowly. She’d made it through the evening. She stood and dragged the tub away from the wagon. She didn’t want a big puddle waiting for her to step in the next morning. It took some doing but she pulled it far enough away. She started to lift one side to allow the water to drain out when she sensed Mike near her. A few more minutes and she’d have been in bed.

  He stood behind her then reached around her on each side and took most of the weight of the tub out of her hands. Her heart jumped at his closeness, and she began to shake. It was both heaven and hell having him near.

  “You didn’t go to the dance.”

  She ducked under his arm and took a few steps away from him. “No, I thought I’d get ahead on the laundry.”

  He nodded. “I thought you liked to dance.”

  “I do but there wasn’t anyone I really wanted to dance with. Besides, I don’t have reason to celebrate. The people most dear to me were lost or are leaving, and I was never one big on goodbyes. Savana and Clarke deserve to be happy about their new life and not worry about me.”

  “You have no need to worry. I have the ranch, and you’ll be provided for.” His brow furrowed.

  “Thank you, Mike, for everything. I don’t know what I would have done without you. But it’s time for me to stand on my own two feet. I have some money set aside, and I’ll be fine. We can see a judge first thing and get the annulment before you ride out to your ranch. I could open a boarding house, or well, I don’t know but I’m sure I’ll be just fine. You have your brothers to look after, and like you said, you’re not ready to settle down. I understand.” She was proud that her voice didn’t waver.

  He nodded and his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as though he’d swallowed hard. “Dance with me?” He held out his hand.

  She hesitated, but she couldn’t deny herself the pleasure of being in his arms. She took his hand and her heart filled with joy when he pulled her into his arms. He was such a good man. A man of great integrity and character, and a man who cared about and for others. He laughed and he encouraged. He loved. Her heart beat faster at the thought of his love but he loved his brothers too and they came first.

  They swayed in time to the music her senses filled with everything Mike. He must have taken a dip in the creek. He smelled like soap and leather. Putting her ear to his chest she listened to the thumping of his heart and the feel of his hands stroking her back was lovely. He was by far the most handsome man she’d ever come across and she wanted him to kiss her. She bet he tasted like coffee and mint. Being with him was everything.

  The music had stopped but Mike didn’t let go. He still swayed with her in his brawny arms for a good while before he dropped his arms and stepped away. It was his way of saying that it was over. She felt it keenly, and she willed herself to smile at him.

  “Good night,” she whispered before she hurriedly climbed into the wagon. She sat with her back against the side and jammed her fist in her mouth to keep her sobs from pouring out of her. He’d been more than kind to her, and she had no right to make him feel bad.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Mike squinted against the mid-morning sun as he rode Arrow toward a small group of wagons getting ready to take a different trail. Today the Motts and other were breaking off from the train and Mike went to shake hands and wish them luck. It was always hard to part with friends he made on the trail. With so many life and death moments, they became more like family. He expected to see Susan, but she wasn’t there. Puzzled, he scanned the crowd again.

  “She already said her goodbyes,” Smitty told him. “Looked as though it tore her into pieces. Poor gal. I have to say I had my doubts she’d do well on the trip, but she really was eager to learn and to help. Susan sure is a good woman.”

  Mike nodded. “Yes, she is. We’ll find a judge first thing so I can set her free. She’ll be snapped up by someone in no time.”

  Smitty’s
left brow cocked. “Are you sure you want to be doing that? I see the way you look at her, and I see the way she looks back at you. Love isn’t always convenient, you know, and it certainly doesn’t come often. You need to search your heart and soul before you let Susan get away.”

  “But—”

  Smitty shook his head. “Just think about it.” He patted Mike’s shoulder before he walked away.

  It was all he’d been thinking about, and the only thing that made sense was to get the marriage annulled like Susan wanted. It wasn’t right to try to hold on to her. Truthfully, if anyone had asked him, he was beginning to want to settle down. He wanted a family and a wife. He wanted to make a go of the ranch but his die had been cast when his parents died. He’d been happy spending his days and nights traveling, but now doubt began to creep in.

  He watched the Motts drive off and went in search of his wife. He expected tears but was surprised to instead find her busy packing up the wagon and getting ready to go. She seemed just fine, so he walked in the opposite direction. It had been glorious dancing with her but it was time to let go. In a week, they’d be at their destination and it would be time for them to part.

  He glanced to the right when he heard yelling and the next thing he knew he was flat on the ground. Elton Sugarton’s horse had just plowed him over. It was painful trying to sit up, and he winced when he moved his arm. A fiery ache shot through his chest and he struggled to breathe against the sharp pressure in his left side. Dang it!

  Instantly, Eli was at his side. “Let me help you.”

  “No, don’t move me. Get Smitty. I think my ribs are busted and they’ll need binding before I move around too much.”

  Eli nodded and took off in the direction of their wagon. Meanwhile, he felt like a bug being scrutinized, as many of the travelers crowded in around him. Everyone, it seemed, but Susan. Loneliness and disappointment matched his pain until he saw her pushing her way through the crowd.