We've Only Just Begun

by Kathleen Ball

  Just seeing her eased him, and when she knelt next to him and stroked his hair off his forehead with her gentle touch, he wanted to tell her how much he felt for her. He opened his mouth and drew a shallow breath, but before he could utter a single word, Smitty was by his side taking control of the situation. Jed and Eli tried getting everyone to go back to their wagons. Many did as told but a fair amount of onlookers remained.

  “Jed, come lift your brother’s shoulders for me,” Smitty called. “Now just enough so I can get his ribs bound.”

  Mike closed his eyes against the pain and concentrated on Susan’s fingers rubbing his hand. The pain of having his ribs bound was a bad sign. It was definitely a break. Mike moved his arm a bit and was satisfied it wasn’t broken, just sprained. He wouldn’t be riding a horse anytime soon.

  “You’re going to have to ride in the back of the wagon,” Smitty said as he and Jed got Mike to his feet.

  Eli made a path through the crowd, and before Mike knew it he was being set down in Susan’s wagon. He groaned out loud. This was the opposite of what he’d intended.

  “Are you in pain?” Susan asked. She climbed into the wagon and put every blanket down making as much of a cushion as she could.

  “I’ll be just fine. A day of rest, and I’ll as right as rain.”

  “We’ll take it one day at a time,” she responded with a smile.

  She sat beside him and buttoned his shirt. Her hands on him were too much. She made him yearn for her in a way he knew he wouldn’t be able to fight. “You’ll need to drive and do everything yourself.”

  “Nothing I haven’t done before.” She leaned over and kissed his forehead. “I’ll try not to hit every bump on the trail. Call out if you need anything.”

  The smell of lavender lingered well after she climbed out of the wagon.

  He was a nice man, but he could make her want to pull her hair out. The last three days had been exhausting, and Mike was nothing but bearish. His impatience with being cooped up was making her crazy. He worried constantly about his brothers, and he didn’t seem be able to relax enough to rest.

  Now he seemed a bit put out that no one needed him. Both Eli and Jeb were doing a wonderful job leading the rest of the folks. Mike grumbled about the lack questions they had for him. He seemed to be at loose ends, and he took it out on her by being picky about everything. The coffee was either too strong or too weak, too hot or not hot enough. She hit every bump and somehow managed to drive over every rock. The worst was he didn’t want any part of her touching him at night. She finally had to put a pile of clothes between them as a barrier.

  Now she felt grumpy, and there wasn’t anyone who she could really talk to. It was a lonely feeling. Lonelier now than it would have been before she’d made such wonderful friends. Lonelier now since the person she loved most in the world had pushed her away. Jed, Eli, and Smitty all helped with the livestock, and they hauled water for her when needed, but they didn’t seem to want to be around Mike much. They never visited for too long.

  It was the tiptoeing around him that took a toll on her. They were parting in a few days, and that made her want to lash out, but she kept her emotions inside. How long would he take to heal? Did he have someone at the ranch that would take care of him? She sighed. He had his brothers, he didn’t need her.

  She’d hoped to make a few memories in their last days together but that wasn’t going to happen. He’d agreed they should find a judge as soon as they hit town. It would be a big relief to him when she was out of his life. She put the rear of the wagon down so she could make more biscuits for supper. Mike lifted his head and stared.

  “Is something wrong? Do you need something?” she asked.

  “I need to…well I need to find some bushes to go behind.” Crimson seeped into his face.

  “I can help you.”

  His lips formed a grim straight line. “No, get one of my brothers.”

  She didn’t wait to see if there was a please at the end of his order. It would have been futile. So instead, she hunted down Jed and waited with Smitty until Jed returned.

  “My brother is one heck of a bear,” Jed said, shaking his head. “I don’t know how you put up with him.”

  A lump formed in her throat, but she swallowed hard. “It’s only for a few more days. If you’ll excuse me, I have things I need to get done.” She hurried away, not wanting to hear anything else. She could handle things for a few more days.

  But later that night she was done. She couldn’t handle her emotions for one more moment. Mike requested more clothes be put between them. Her touch seemed to repulse him, and if she had somewhere else to go she would have. Since she didn’t, she just took most of her clothes out of the trunks and piled them up, fortifying the barrier. She turned onto her side facing away from him and gave in to her tears in silence. She couldn’t bear it anymore. Not for one more second. She wasn’t sure what she had done to make him want her gone, but she had no doubt how he felt.

  Two more days. Just two more days, and she could find a place to stay for a while. It was more than his frustration at being disabled. He didn’t care for her anymore. It wasn’t the first time someone had taken a sudden dislike to her, but never before had it hurt so much. She needed to get out of the wagon and away from Mike. She sat up and as quietly as she could she crawled to the back end.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Out.”

  He sighed loudly. “Out where?”

  “I just need some fresh air is all. I’ll be right outside if you need me.” Her voice sounded so wobbly but she couldn’t help it.

  “That’s the problem.”

  She wished she could see his face but it was too dark. “What’s the problem?”

  “Never mind. I’m going back to sleep.”

  Her heart shattered. For a moment, she had thought he was going to say he needed her. Why was she always so hopeful? Why couldn’t she be accepting about how people felt? It was her biggest flaw: she was ever hopeful. She scrambled out of the wagon and gulped in the fresh air.

  The night was quiet except for the chirping of crickets and the lowing of some of the cattle. The breeze waved through the tree branches, causing shadows to dance in the moonlight. Tilting her head back, she gazed up at the night sky. There were so many stars, and it brought home the fact that whatever she was going through was minor compared to the suffering of others. Her grief would pass someday. The best thing she could do for everyone was to act as though she was excited for the next chapter of her story. She’d be bound to see some of the people from the train in town from time to time and she didn’t want pity or whispers.

  She could pull it off for the sake of Eli and Jed. They needed the security Mike gave them. They relied on him, and she didn’t want to be the cause of any rift between them. Smitty, on the other hand, wouldn’t be fooled, but she was pretty sure he wouldn’t tell anyone about her sadness. Smitty always wanted what was best for the brothers.

  There were plenty of men in the world, and she’d just have to find one who loved her and wanted to make a life with her. Now that she had money, she could afford to be choosy. No more instant weddings for her. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, calming herself. As soon as her tears dried, she crawled back into the wagon and drifted to sleep.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Mike knew the town was in sight by the excited conversations going on all around. People called from wagon to wagon congratulating one another. He smiled. Another safe journey accomplished, even if it did end with him flat on his back. He and his brothers were all in one piece. Now all he wanted to do was go out to his ranch and recuperate there.

  His smile faded as his heart squeezed. It was going to be hard to get over Susan. There would never be any woman like her. He’d never love so deeply again. He could feel it and he wished he could just shrug it all away and ride it out. The road without her threatened to be beyond bumpy.

  The wagon slowed then stopped. He heard Susan pul
l the break and scramble down from the seat. People hurried past, probably anxious to see the town. He often wondered where the people of his party would end up. He’d been surprised over the years. Some he thought above reproach ended up working at the saloon. Others decided that the gold in California was a better bet. A few times people discovered they had bought land that was already owned. Unfortunately, there always seemed someone ready to take advantage of others no matter what the situation was.

  There always seemed to be one or two couples who had fought the whole way there then ended up united in marital bliss. Dang it! His line of thinking was making things worse. One more night, and he’d be able to ride away. He wished he could ride away and not look back but he had a feeling he’d be looking back for the rest of his life.

  The wagon jostled slightly as Susan climbed into the back.

  “Why aren’t you heading to town?” he asked. “It sounds like everyone else is.”

  “They are. I wanted to see how you fared. It was a bumpy ride the last few miles. Can I get you anything? I’ll get a fire going and put the coffee on.” She turned to leave but he grasped her hand.

  “Don’t go just yet. I have so much to thank you for.” The smile that had just lit up her face faded until sadness filled her eyes.

  “It’s me who needs to be thanking you. I appreciate everything you did for me. If you think you can wait a little bit, I bet I can find the judge. Your obligation to me will be over, and we can both go on with our own lives.” She withdrew her hand from his and left.

  Darn it! If he was lucky, the judge would be gone for a long while. He rubbed his hand over his face and shook his head. It would give him nothing but more pain to think that way. He had promised to let her go, and he’d honor his promise.

  Susan stared at the aging sheriff. He had a full beard, white as snow, and his face looked like old leather. “What do you mean the judge is gone? When will he be back?”

  The sheriff stood behind his desk. “When I said gone, I meant dead. I meant we have no judge, and we most likely won’t see one unless we have a major problem.”

  “What would a major problem be?” She just wanted to get everything over with.

  He shrugged and tugged on his beard. “A hangin’ offense. Other than that, we don’t need one. Is there something I can do for you?”

  “I don’t suppose you can annul a marriage?”

  His eyes widened. “An annulment? Look Miss—uh, I mean Missus. Most people in this community won’t take kindly to a divorced woman.”

  “It’s not a divorce. It’s an annulment.” Heat washed over her face.

  “Same thing too many in this town. Do yourself a favor and stay married to your man. That is unless he beats you.” He leaned forward, peering at her through squinted eyes. “Does he beat you?”

  “No, nothing like that.”

  “Was he already married?”

  Annoyed, Susan shook her head and snapped, “No.”

  “Well, then, there you go. You probably shouldn’t get unhitched anyway. If you want, you can wait for a judge to pass through, but take my advice, you’ll be rejected by many women in town. They are mostly a good lot, but they are a bit particular about a person’s character.” He came out from behind his desk and walked to the door. He opened it and nodded at her. “You have a good day, ma’am.

  She walked out the jailhouse and down the long wooden boardwalk, feeling as though she was walking in fog. Nothing was clear to her. She couldn’t bear to be judged by people again. She couldn’t stay married either. It just wasn’t the deal she struck with Mike. There had to be a way to be unmarried without others knowing they’d been married.

  She passed Nellie Walton on the walkway and nodded. No, too many people knew of her situation. Too many people loved to gossip. It all seemed so simple when she had asked Clancy to marry her. How was she going to tell Mike? He was sure to be hopping mad. She strolled to the end of the walk and stared at their wagons, all nicely circled. They’d come a long way. Most had made it but she still felt heartsick about Natalie and worried about Lily. Mike told her that if Lily didn’t cause trouble for her captors, she would live as either a slave or a wife, and that life wouldn’t be easy. And that she would most likely die a very young woman if she made it that long. The poor girl.

  How big was Mike’s ranch? Maybe there was a spot where she could build her own house. A spot where she was far enough away that she wouldn’t see him every day. She’d had months and months to figure out a plan, and here she did not know the first thing to do. She bit her bottom lip dreading going back and telling Mike. Maybe she could just tell him she saw the judge and everything was done. She shook her head as she stepped off the walk onto the hard packed dirt. No, that wouldn’t work. She’d just have to tell him the truth and hope he didn’t want to kill her. She’d earn her keep or maybe next spring she could go somewhere else to live.

  No, that was the answer. Why wait? She’d leave as soon as possible.

  Spotting Mike sitting on a crate next to their fire surprised her. She stopped short a few feet away and stared at him, drinking in the sight of him. “Hey.”

  “Hey, yourself.” He smiled.

  “Should you be sitting? Are you in pain?” She wished she could go and touch him; just to be sure he was fine.

  “It’s a little painful but the fresh air is exactly what I needed. Don’t worry, Smitty helped me.”

  “Shall I help you back?”

  He laughed and then winced. “Ow, are you trying to get rid of me?”

  “Of course not. In fact, we have to talk, and you’re not going to like what I have to say. I went into town and there is no judge. He died, and the sheriff said we won’t see one for a while. I can’t un-marry you right now, but I do have a plan.” He started to say something and she put her hand up to stop him. “Just listen to me. This is for the best. I’m going to buy supplies and head to the next town or the town after that. I don’t know yet but I’ll go somewhere you won’t be, and I’ll send word where I end up. People won’t care if you have the marriage annulled, but they will care if I do. As soon as the judge comes to town have him draw up the papers or whatever needs to be done and send them to me. This is for the best. You don’t want to settle down, and I don’t want an absent husband. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you’ve done for me. I’m not going to allow you to be saddled with me for the rest of your life.” She swallowed hard, not able to go on.

  His face became expressionless, and when he spoke, his voice was carefully even. She couldn’t read him. “Is that what you want?”

  “I think it’s what we both want. My impulsiveness led to our predicament, and I’m so sorry. It all seemed so easy at the time. It never occurred to me what other people would think about us ending the marriage. I certainly won’t be a woman of good standing if people knew. I plan to leave in the morning.”

  He nodded and looked away. Why wouldn’t he look at her? Maybe he was just relieved and didn’t want her to know.

  “I have some money I’d like to give you as your pay. You played your part well.”

  Mike struggled to stand and then he stared right at her. “I played my part well, and you want to pay me?” He sounded incredulous. He turned and slowly walked away as her heart dropped to her feet.

  What had she done wrong? She watched him walk slowly toward town. He was probably going to see about getting a judge to come sooner. What she needed was information. Where was the next town, and would it be safe for her to travel alone? Maybe she could hire someone to take her, but who?

  Ideas always sounded so simple, but putting a plan into action wasn’t easy. In fact, it was near infuriating.

  “Where’s Mike?” Smitty’s voice startled her. She hadn’t heard him come up behind her.

  She sighed. “He walked to town. Oh, Smitty, I’ve made a terrible mess of everything.”

  Smitty gestured toward the fire. “Let’s have a sit down and talk this out.”

 
; She nodded and quickly sat on one of the crates. “There isn’t a judge.”

  Smitty’s brow furrowed. “What happened to Judge Green?”

  “The sheriff said he was dead. I’m sorry, was he a friend of yours?”

  Smitty nodded. “We’ve known each other since we were kids.” He looked away for a moment and then turned back toward her. “So what is the problem?”

  “I promised Mike an annulment when we got to town. Now that isn’t going to happen. I offered to pay him for pretending to be my husband, and he left. I don’t understand.”

  Smitty smiled. “You know, Mike never does anything he doesn’t want to.”

  “Mike doesn’t plan to settle down, and I don’t plan to live my life away from my husband.” She balled her hands into tight fists. This was getting her nowhere.

  “All I know is you two have been making calf eyes at each other for a long while. If Mike hadn’t planned to stay married, he’d have never slept in your wagon. And don’t tell me he did it to quiet the loud group of nosey hens we had traveling with us. We have a group like that each trip.” He stood up. “Open your heart to him, and see what happens. You have nothing to lose at this point.”

  Smitty’s advice only led to her feeling queasy. Nothing to lose? She watched him head back to his wagon. She’d already lost. The sooner she left the better. She’d be making another trip immediately.

  Mike strode across the boardwalk and pushed open the saloon doors, holding his aching ribs. He scanned the room, seeking his wife. The saloon was a long shot, and he figured Sven at the stable was mistaken about seeing a woman of her description heading for the local watering hole. The brittle tones of the piano playing a lively tune mingled with raucous laughter. Women in garish feathers and bright silk lounged with some of the men in the crowded place.

  He spun on his heel, ready to walk back the way he’d come. His wife was definitely not—