A Heart Once Broken

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Lydia entered her bedroom with hands outstretched. She found a match on the dresser and lit the kerosene lamp. As she watched the flicker of the flames on the bedroom walls, Lydia lowered herself onto the bed and sank into the soft quilt with a sigh. Besides Harvey and Deacon Schrock, there was still Rudy. He would be back, and he was still a temptation.

  What confusion! Would anything ever be right again? Lydia slipped to the floor for a quick prayer, but no words came. She finally gave up and rose to her feet to gaze out the window at the star-swept heavens until a measure of peace filled her heart. Only then did she climb into bed and drift off to sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Early Christmas morning Sandra was sitting in the buggy with her cast propped up against the dashboard. Her hands were clasped tightly as Mark drove Dixie toward Mamm and Amos’s place on Todd Road. Sandra’s fingers dug into the palms of her hands until the pain made her cry out.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Mark gave Sandra a sideways glance, but he didn’t wait for an answer. “It’s your foot, isn’t it?”

  Sandra shook her head. “Just nerves, I guess.”

  Mark appeared skeptical. “You’ve been on pins and needles all morning, and we’re only going to Mamm’s place. Are you sure that foot isn’t bothering you worse than usual?”

  “It’s okay,” Sandra said. “The truth is, what bothers me about going to Mamm’s is that we were only invited this past Sunday. You know Mamm plans her holidays much further in advance. This must be Amos’s doing.”

  “You’re still on Amos’s case,” Mark chided. “You need to accept the situation. Amos is our stepfather, and a decent one at that. Why can’t you see that?”

  Sandra gave Mark a glare. “Maybe I’ll feel better once we’re at Mamm’s for breakfast.”

  Mark said nothing but stared across the snowy landscape. Dixie’s hooves beat a steady rhythm on the icy pavement. She had to stay calm, Sandra told herself. Even though something about the day made her nervous. Would Clyde take today’s occasion to present a marriage proposal?

  Finally, Mark broke into her thoughts. “You ought to stop worrying about what’s happening in our family and think about Lydia and what’s going on in that house. It’s not goot.”

  Sandra didn’t reply, but Mark was right. Though neither she nor Mark had been to the service on Sunday, they had heard the rumors. “Ben and Mary Troyer may be excommunicated along with Lydia,” one of the older girls had declared. “They’ve all gone off with wild ideas. Ben’s losing control of his family, and Lydia’s seeing some Englisha man from her rumspringa days.”

  Chills had run all the way down Sandra’s back at this public report. She didn’t know about the excommunication, but there was truth to the rest of the story. Lydia had said so herself, and she had seen Lydia consorting with Rudy. On that subject she had kept silent, but word still leaked out. Such things couldn’t be kept hushed in the tightly woven community. And Amos would not accept this state of affairs for long. Amos was known for his strong feelings against anyone who even threatened to jump the fence.

  Sandra calmed herself as Mark began to whistle. They soon approached Amos and Mamm’s place. Sandra tried to listen to the tune and hoped some of Mark’s cheerfulness would relax her nerves, but she was still tense when they pulled up beside Amos’s barn. There were no other buggies present, but perhaps other guests would come later. She had to keep up her hope. Sandra waited until Mark came around the side of the buggy and gave her a hand to climb down.

  She had her crutches out when Clyde appeared in the barn door and said, “Goot morning. Happy you came so early.”

  “Goot morning yourself,” Mark responded.

  Sandra managed to smile. Grouchiness would get her nowhere, and acting nervous around Clyde wouldn’t either.

  Clyde addressed Sandra directly from a few feet away. “How are you this morning?”

  “I’m here.” Sandra tried to answer calmly. “This foot isn’t as sensitive anymore, and I expect Mamm will have a delicious meal prepared before long.”

  The diversion seemed to work, and Clyde grinned. “Well, I’m glad you’re here. It gets right lonely around the house.”

  “Sandra’s been talking about visiting you for a long time,” Mark quipped.

  Clyde laughed. “That’s goot news indeed. I’m thrilled to hear it.”

  Sandra glared at both of them and they laughed even harder.

  Clyde winked at Sandra. “I’ll see you later in the house.”

  Still laughing, the two men headed into the barn with Dixie. Sandra gathered her courage and walked up to the front door and knocked, then poked her head in the door. “It’s me!” she called. “Can I come in?”

  Mamm’s voice called from the kitchen. “Of course you can. You know the door is always open for you.”

  Sandra took a deep breath and hobbled in. Mamm was alone in the kitchen as bacon fried on the stove. Several plates of pancakes, which were covered by cloths, were stacked on the table. Sandra pulled a chair out to support her knee and reached for the handle on the bacon pan.

  Mamm refused to let go. “I’ve got things under control, Sandra. Sit down at the table and we can talk.”

  “Please,” Sandra begged. “I want to help. You should have told me to come sooner, so I could have helped with the entire breakfast.”

  Mamm smiled. “That’s some of your old spirit. But you have plenty of work at home in your condition. I’m the one who should be over at your new place on Johnson Road more often.”

  “We’re doing fine,” Sandra assured her. She settled into the kitchen chair. “Is anyone else coming?”

  “No, just you and Mark.” Mamm gave Sandra another warm smile. “It’ll be so goot to have both of you here for Christmas breakfast.”

  Sandra grimaced. She didn’t want to spoil their moment of togetherness with her complaints, so she said, “I’m glad you invited us. It gets a little lonely over at the house with just Mark.”

  Mamm reached over to give Sandra a quick hug. “Sorry, but with my own busy life I keep forgetting how things must be for you.” Sandra didn’t answer as Mamm chattered on. “All I can say is that Amos keeps things interesting around here. The man has more things going than you can shake a stick at. Not only does he run the farm, but also Amos and Clyde went over to help our Englisha neighbor with his leaky barn roof two days this week. Winter’s hard enough on old Mr. Harrison without the upkeep on their place. He might sell in the spring, Mr. Harrison said, and Clyde’s looking at the property. It would be an excellent start for a young couple.”

  Sandra kept her head down. “Did Amos put you up to this, Mamm?”

  A hurt look crossed Mamm’s face. “I’m speaking from my heart, Sandra. Please don’t take offense. Amos has made no secret about his opinion of Clyde and you. And Clyde would love it if you accepted his attentions. It was Amos who said we should have you and Mark over for Christmas breakfast. I was thoroughly ashamed that I hadn’t thought of it myself. I’m sure I would have eventually, but things have been so confusing lately. And with the trouble Ben and Mary are in…” Mamm stopped to wipe her eyes. “All I can say is that I was glad Amos thought of the two of you, even before I did.”

  Sandra said nothing, so Mamm laid her hand on Sandra’s arm. “Just open your heart to Amos, Sandra. The man cares about you, and Clyde loves you. I’m not Clyde’s mamm by birth, but my affections have been touched deeply by Clyde’s kindness and concern for me. They both know how difficult things have been since Daett passed. Listen to Amos today if he speaks to you, Sandra.”

  Sandra sighed and raised her cast higher on the chair for support. Oh, for the old days before Daett passed, when everything made sense and there was no pressure from an overbearing stepfather. And when there was no Clyde who wanted her attentions. Back then there had been only Ezra and her hopes of a married life with him. That chance was past now, of course. Ezra had taken Rosemary home from the hymn singing every Sunday night since their f
irst date. Rosemary always seemed to be glowing with happiness, so things must be going well between them. There had been whispers this past Sunday that Rosemary had some sort of health problem, but no details had been given.

  Mamm touched Sandra’s hand again. “You’ve heard about Lydia and her family, haven’t you?”

  “Yah,” Sandra replied.

  A troubled look crossed Mamm’s face. “I think that’s one thing Amos wants to speak to us about. He takes these things quite seriously, as we all should. Being cast out of the church is a very grave matter, Sandra.”

  Sandra nodded. “I know.”

  Amos would have harsh things to say about the straying Troyer family. But Mamm wasn’t the one to blame if Amos chose Christmas breakfast as the time to speak his words. Daett would never have spoiled such a precious time with the family, but Daett was gone now, and there was only Amos and Clyde. Maybe Mark was right. Maybe she should be more accepting of Amos…and Clyde.

  Mamm lifted the bacon out of the pan and smiled. “Again, I’m so glad that you and Mark came over this morning.”

  “So am I,” Sandra replied.

  “Now stay seated while I call the men,” Mamm said.

  Sandra waited as Mamm called from the front door. She could almost imagine that this was a Christmas morning from years past, only it wasn’t. She had to remind herself of that today. She had to move on, let go of the past. Daett was gone, and so were Ezra and his love. And before long, Lydia and the relationship they had always shared might be no more.

  Sandra wiped her eyes as men’s cheerful voices mingled with Mamm’s. She pasted on a smile as Amos appeared in the kitchen doorway.

  “What a lovely maiden is sitting in my kitchen!” Amos boomed.

  Sandra forced herself to laugh. That was not what Daett would have said, but Daett was gone.

  “Cheerful and happy, I see,” Amos continued. He beamed and pulled out his chair to sit down.

  Mark grinned and sat down beside Clyde. Sandra chose to ignore them both.

  “Shall we pray?” Amos said. “I can hardly wait to eat this wunderbah breakfast Edna has prepared for us.”

  “Oh, Amos,” Mamm demurred.

  Amos smiled at Mamm. “I’m so blessed of the Lord, I can’t find words to express my feelings.”

  Mamm blushed as they bowed in prayer. Perhaps Sandra had been all wrong about Amos and Clyde, she thought with her eyes closed. Maybe this was the new life the Lord had laid out for their family. Mamm seemed to think so, and so did Mark. And Amos hadn’t lectured her so far. At least he knew not to spoil breakfast with such things. What if this was the road that had been opened for her?

  Sandra tried to grasp the idea. Could she actually become Clyde’s frau someday? Could she ever love him? Only with the Lord’s help, Sandra decided. She certainly couldn’t by her own strength.

  “Amen,” Amos announced.

  Sandra kept her head down for a few more seconds and made sure she avoided Clyde’s glances as she helped pass the food around. Clyde as her husband? Who would have thought she’d even consider the idea?

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  As Sandra finished the last of her pancakes, she looked across the table to see Amos’s face beaming at her. “So when is this cast of yours coming off, Sandra? Here I’ve been doing all the talking this morning, and you haven’t told us much about how things are going with you.”

  Sandra lowered her head. Amos sure had turned on the charm, but his interest seemed genuine enough. “I’m doing fine,” she managed. “The doctor will take the cast off sometime after the first of the year.”

  Amos raised his eyebrows. “That’s quite some time you’ve been in that thing. It happened at our wedding, and that’s been…” Amos smiled at Mamm. “Not long enough.”

  Mamm turned red, and Sandra blushed as well. If Amos wanted to keep both of them off balance, he certainly knew how. Yah, he could be bossy, but he also had a way with words.

  “The doctor wants to make sure the fracture heals,” Sandra explained. “It’s the part of the bone, the tibia, where only a few muscles are attached, so the blood supply is limited.”

  “I see.” Amos smiled. “I hope all goes well. I still say that eight weeks does seem a little excessive to be in a cast. Six weeks is more normal, isn’t it?”

  Sandra shrugged. “I’d rather have things heal right than rush into a disaster.”

  Amos appeared pleased. “You are a woman of the Lord, Sandra. That is well-spoken.” Amos laid down his fork, and a sober look crossed his face.

  Here comes the lecture, Sandra thought. She stilled her mind to listen. Amos was her daett now, and he deserved some respect.

  Amos glanced around the table before he continued. “I’ve been waiting to share what the Lord has laid on my heart. In fact, this is partly why I wanted only the immediate family here for Christmas breakfast.” Amos paused to smile. “Although I do appreciate all of you, I don’t get to see much of Mark and Sandra for reasons that I can understand. You have moved to a new place and all that. I know this is a time of adjustment for us. Part of that adjustment has to do with your Troyer relatives, Ben and Mary, and especially Lydia. I don’t know how much you have heard, but let me assure you that things are not goot with that family. Ben has been confused ever since he became involved in that awful money scheme, and now Lydia…well, let’s say the reports are troubling.”

  A sob escaped from Mamm, and Amos leaned over to slip his arm around her shoulders. “I know this is a tender subject with you, Edna, but it must be addressed.”

  Sandra looked away. A familiar stab of pain ran through her. Would tragedy never cease for their family?

  Amos patted Mamm on the arm and continued. “I’m sorry for the price your daett had to pay for this matter, and I don’t mean his passing. Edna has assured me that Emil was in ill health for some time. His death might have come sooner, triggered by the stress of the financial disaster, but what would have happened eventually, happened earlier. We can take comfort that the Lord has taken Emil into His hands, and will judge all things righteously. Emil died with repentance on his heart. Edna has assured me of this, and I believe Edna because she followed the path Emil laid out for her. Only a woman of the Lord would have turned her heart so quickly to a man like me who was hardly known to her. Not only has Edna accepted me fully, but she has loved me with her whole heart.” Amos paused to wipe his eyes. “I’m moved deeply by this woman’s love, and by the respect and reverence she expresses for the Lord’s ways. A woman such as Edna has the power to change so much in the world for goot, and Edna has done so. She has not rebelled against the sorrow the Lord has allowed. Instead, she has brought healing and hope to her family by her acceptance of the Lord’s will.”

  Mamm was sobbing openly now, hiding her face in her hands. “Come, dear,” Amos admonished. “I did not mean to open the floodgates of grief and tears.”

  “I’m sorry.” Mamm lifted her tearstained face to his. “I’ll try to control myself better. But speak no more of my actions. You know I’m a sinner like all of us, and I know that Emil is safe in the hands of God. I only wish to see him again someday.”

  “That is well-spoken.” Amos bowed his head for a moment.

  Sandra stared at the two of them, unable to pull her gaze away. She had not seen Mamm so broken up since the funeral. Yet there was a difference this morning. The pain was less, the loss more distant. A touch of joy even rose with Mamm’s sobs. So this was why Mamm had married Amos? Mamm wanted to follow the road to repentance. And Sandra had argued with Mamm’s decision to her own shame.

  Look what had happened in Sandra’s life. She had lost Ezra, even with the best of her schemes, and Mamm had found happiness with Amos. It was more than she could comprehend. And here was bossy Amos, in tears at the Christmas breakfast table.

  Amos finally lifted his head. “I don’t know how to continue, but this must be said. Your Uncle Ben and Aunt Mary are not following the path of repentance. I hear that Ben m
ight do a church confession soon, but that is a small matter to me. What troubles my heart is what Ben has already done. Ben should have volunteered to confess even though Deacon Schrock did not demand it after Emil’s passing. Not only has he failed to humble himself fully in front of the Lord and the church about the money scheme. But also, Ben has not restrained his family. A church confession won’t change that. I say, the devil stands ready to take advantage of every opening we give him. Look what is happening in Ben’s home. His youngest daughters are bringing their wild Englisha friends freely into his home, and Lydia has made contact with her former Englisha boyfriend. She has even gone out to see the Christmas lights with him. How could Ben not see where these things would lead? There is nothing in front of Ben except destruction—church confession or not.”

  Amos sounded like himself again, as he paused for breath. But his words didn’t cut deeply, as Sandra had expected. Perhaps Amos’s earlier tears made the difference, Sandra told herself.

  Amos looked around at all of them before he continued. “This is what I want to request from all of you. If the Troyer family comes to the service on Sunday or any of the other gatherings of the community, then we must accept the decision of the church. Until I am satisfied that this sin is fully repented of, I want none of my family to make contact with the Troyer family other than for community-sanctioned activities. Is that understood?”

  Mamm clung to Amos’s arm and said nothing. A flash of anger rushed through Sandra, but she pushed it away. Amos had a right to his concern, and perhaps he was even correct. Look at the danger Lydia was in, flirting openly with jumping the fence.

  “I can support this fully!” Mark proclaimed. His voice made Sandra jump.

  “And you, Sandra?” Amos looked straight at her.

  “I support your feelings,” Sandra managed. “I will abide by them.”

  A smile spread over Amos’s face. “Well, that’s said now. And I’m sorry the subject had to be addressed on Christmas morning, but I did want to have all of you over for breakfast. So, shall we read the scripture now before the women clean up the kitchen?”