A Heart Once Broken

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Mamm had already jumped to her feet to disappear into the living room. Moments later she came back with the huge family Bible. This was the same one Daett used to read. Mamm handed the book to Amos and sat down again.

  Amos found his place and read with a strong voice the story of Christmas morning. Sandra listened to the familiar words and allowed the sound to soak all the way through her. This was what she wanted, Sandra told herself. Her rebellion and self-will were not gone completely, but she knew they would leave soon. This was the way back to what used to be. Strange as that sounded, it must be right. Daett would never come back, but what Amos had to offer replaced the old life with the familiar feel and sounds of home. The Lord must be in this, Sandra decided. Otherwise, how could what had happened between Mamm and Amos be explained?

  After Amos finished, they knelt at the kitchen table to pray. Sandra’s chair squeaked as she pushed it far enough away from the table to lower her cast to the floor. She listened as Amos’s voice led out in the German prayer, and soon ended with a hearty “Amen.”

  Before Sandra could raise herself from her knees Clyde’s hand reached over to hold the chair. Sandra balanced herself with both hands and smiled her thanks. Clyde nodded and left the kitchen with Mark. Mamm pulled one of the chairs up to the counter and motioned for Sandra to seat herself. “You can sit and wash dishes if you want to help, because you’re not hobbling all around my kitchen this morning.”

  A big grin spread across Amos’s face. “I see everything is taken care of here. So I’ll see you later, Sandra.”

  She wanted to say something, but the words stuck in Sandra’s throat. Amos had been quite decent this morning, and she should thank him, but he had already gone.

  “Sit,” Mamm said, as if she expected rebellion.

  Tears stung Sandra’s eyes. “I appreciate what Amos had to say this morning.”

  Mamm appeared a little surprised. “Really? Well, I’m happy to hear that.”

  “Do you think we can ever go back to what we used to have?” Sandra whispered.

  Mamm’s disapproval showed. “You know that’s not possible, Sandra. The past is past, and we must move on. And the future will come whether we choose the Lord’s ways or not.”

  “I’m not trying to argue with you,” Sandra objected. “I guess I didn’t say it right. It seems to me that Amos is restoring what was lost, in a different way—but somehow, it feels the same. I’m sure that makes no sense to you, but that’s how it feels to me.”

  “Oh, Sandra.” Mamm gave her a hug. “I didn’t dream I’d hear those words out of your mouth. And on Christmas morning. Has the Lord given us another touch of His hand?”

  “I don’t know.” Sandra kept her head down. “I’m sure nothing changes too quickly.”

  Mamm’s touch on Sandra’s shoulder was light. “Can I ask you this without you getting angry?”

  “Please, Mamm, I’ll not get angry.”

  Mamm appeared to proceed with caution. “Would you…? Could you…? How do I say this? Clyde loves you, Sandra. Why don’t you open your heart to him? Just a little crack of the door is all that’s needed. The Lord will do the rest, because He is in this thing—Amos and Clyde. This could happen to you, the way it did with me. We could be a whole family again.”

  Sandra’s hand trembled. “But I’ve never loved the man, Mamm. How do you wed someone you haven’t loved? Ezra had my affections, but he doesn’t want them. I can’t just change like that.”

  Mamm reached for Sandra’s hand. “The heart is the Lord’s doing. He alone knows how to turn it to the left or the right. Trust Him, Sandra. Or trust me. I didn’t love Amos either. I didn’t love him on our wedding day. There was still much of your daett in my heart, but you see what has happened. I don’t know how to explain it otherwise.”

  “I understand.” Sandra squeezed Mamm’s hand and took a deep breath. “Okay, I will open my heart to Clyde. I’ll at least try.” After a moment’s pause, Sandra said, “You can tell Clyde if you wish.”

  “You should tell him yourself,” Mamm said.

  Sandra reached up to turn on the hot water in the sink. “I’m not going that far today, Mamm.”

  A smile played on Mamm’s face. “We should leave this in the Lord’s hands, then. Perhaps that would be for the best.”

  “Yah, it would be,” Sandra agreed.

  Clyde would see soon enough that her attitude had changed toward him. The road still appeared rough, but she was ready to begin the journey. In the meantime she had to adjust her attitude and become used to the idea of Clyde as the man who might win her heart. That would take a long time—if indeed it could happen.

  Clyde’s voice interrupted Sandra’s thoughts from the kitchen doorway. “Sandra, can I have a moment with you?”

  “Of course,” Mamm said at once. “I’ll be right back.” She hurried down the basement steps with a smile on her face.

  “Was that necessary?” Sandra asked. “Chasing Mamm off?” She did not like Clyde’s confidence.

  Clyde ignored her comment. “Sandra, don’t you think we could get to know each better? I don’t think you know me very well.”

  Sandra found herself answering, “Yah, perhaps I don’t. I’m willing.”

  Clyde looked surprised. “There is hope rising in my heart. Tell me I’m not mistaken, Sandra.”

  “You’re not mistaken.”

  Clyde’s face lightened. “Would you even allow me to take you home from the hymn singing sometime?”

  “I didn’t say that,” Sandra teased, her face turned away from him.

  There was silence for a moment before Clyde chuckled. “But you will? Am I not correct?”

  Sandra peeked over her shoulder at him. His face was filled with happiness. She didn’t feel any love in her heart yet, but she had the hope of it. And so she nodded to Clyde.

  “See you in two Sunday evenings, then,” he said, then she listened to his footsteps fading away. Sandra, despite her hesitancy, felt no remorse for her words. She was relieved in a way. Yah, she could wait on love. If it came.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Rosemary kept her face expressionless as the nurse escorted her and Mamm into Dr. Katz’s office. She should never have submitted herself to this long series of tests, Rosemary told herself. The expense was reason enough to have refused. There was nothing wrong with her that a few days’ rest wouldn’t cure. But Ezra had insisted she see a doctor when she had hurried from the table at his parents’ place on Christmas Day to throw up in the bathroom.

  “I’m so sorry,” Rosemary had told Ezra’s Mamm, Rachel, who had followed her. “I’m nervous, I guess.”

  “It’s okay,” Rachel had assured her. “Don’t feel bad about this.”

  She hadn’t wanted to worry Ezra or his family, but these episodes also occurred when she wasn’t around Ezra. Still, there was nothing wrong with her. There couldn’t be.

  “You’re going to see a doctor,” Ezra had ordered on the drive home. “I’ll take no argument from you.”

  Now a week later, the tests were taken and the money was spent.

  “Please have a seat, and Dr. Katz will be with you soon,” the nurse said, before she left them.

  Mamm sat on the chair closest to the big desk and motioned for Rosemary to take the other one. Mamm’s face was grim, which was understandable considering the huge medical bill that Daett would have to pay. She was now a burden to her parents instead of a blessing. And what if Deacon Schrock had to come over some Saturday and offer the community’s help with the expenses? She would shrivel up from shame and be sick for sure.

  The office door opened, and Mamm stood to her feet as Dr. Katz entered with a folder in his hand. He glanced at Rosemary and then at Mamm. “Please be seated, ma’am.”

  Mamm obeyed but her expression didn’t change.

  Dr. Katz paged through the folder before he met Rosemary’s gaze. “I see you’ve taken the tests I requested, Ms. Beiler. I know you thought they were unnecessary, and
I would have loved it if I’d been proven wrong. But my concerns were legitimate. I’m sorry to have to tell you that.”

  “Please, dear Lord, help us,” Mamm prayed out loud.

  “What’s wrong with me?” Rosemary felt the first stabs of fear reach deep inside her. This couldn’t be serious. How could it? She had Ezra in her life now. His love! The Lord had given her Ezra!

  “It’s pancreatic cancer,” Dr. Katz said without mincing words. “This is rare for someone as young as you. And apparently the cancer has spread to the liver as well as to several other locations in your body. I wish we could have caught this sooner, but pancreatic cancer is one of the most undetectable cancers we deal with. I’m sorry again. I had hoped for better news.”

  “What does this mean?” Mamm had risen to her feet again. “Surely there is something we can do.”

  Dr. Katz cleared his throat. “I don’t want to give false hope. We can do aggressive chemo. There are also some experimental treatments. But in either case, there are no guarantees.”

  Mamm’s voice was a whisper. “But Rosemary is so young, and she has only begun…” She clasped and unclasped her hands. “I don’t understand how this can be. Why would the Lord allow such a thing?”

  Dr. Katz’s gaze was full of compassion. “I’m a medical doctor, Mrs. Beiler. But I’m sure there are answers, if not on this side then on the other side. And you are a people of great faith. Faith is a great asset with cancer patients.”

  Mamm appeared dazed. “Then there is nothing we can do? Nothing! And so suddenly? Why was there not more warning?”

  “Please sit down,” Dr. Katz told Mamm again. “The problem is that many of the symptoms—abdominal pain, weight loss, and digestive problems—are easily explained or ignored. And the weight loss is often welcomed in young patients. This cancer hides well, Mrs. Beiler. I’m sorry.”

  Rosemary focused on the wall above Dr. Katz’s head. She had thought her symptoms had been caused by Ezra’s affections. And yah, she had foolishly rejoiced over the pounds she’d shed these past few months. She was sure it had added to her attractiveness.

  “How much will these experimental treatments cost?” Mamm asked.

  Rosemary forced herself to speak. “There will be no treatments. We will trust in the Lord.”

  Mamm brushed her words aside. “I will not hear of that, Rosemary. We will speak with Daett and do what is possible.”

  Dr. Katz nodded. “They are expensive, I understand. I don’t get involved on that end, but I do understand that you have no insurance.”

  Rosemary faced Dr. Katz. “How long do I have?”

  “Without the treatments?” His face was sober. “Not long, I’m afraid.”

  “And with the treatments?” Rosemary kept her voice steady.

  Dr. Katz waited a second. “Not much longer, unless one of them works.”

  Silence gripped the room. Rosemary stood to go, and pulled on Mamm’s arm. “Come. We’re taking up his time.”

  “You don’t have to hurry,” Dr. Katz assured her.

  Rosemary repeated, “Come, Mamm.” Only then did she address Dr. Katz. “Thank you for everything you’ve done. You’ve been more than kind.”

  “I’m here to help.” Dr. Katz was on his feet. “Let me know what you decide, and we will go from there.”

  Mamm trembled once she was on her feet. Rosemary held Mamm’s arm on the long walk back to the waiting room and out to the buggy. Rosemary helped Mamm inside before she untied Buster and gave Mamm the reins. Only then did she climb up herself and settle into the seat. She felt just fine, except for this bone-deep weariness. How could what the doctor had said be true? That she had cancer. That there was no cure. That she would die.

  Rosemary gazed into the clear winter sky where a few wisps of clouds were hanging on the horizon. Soon the sun would set and they would be home. And soon, the sun of life would set on Rosemary’s time on earth. She bit back the tears. This wasn’t possible. There must be some mistake. She was terribly in love with Ezra, and she had accomplished the impossible when she gained his attentions. This was not the Lord’s will. How could it be?

  Mamm said nothing as she drove Buster out of the Canton Hospital parking lot and turned toward home.

  “I’m so sorry about this, Rosemary,” Mamm finally said, somewhere near the outskirts of town.

  “It’s not your fault,” Rosemary said. “I’m the one who got cancer.”

  “And how are you to blame for this?” Mamm sat up straight. “Let’s not go down the blame road. This is in the Lord’s hands whether the treatment works or not.”

  “There will be no treatment,” Rosemary repeated.

  Mamm didn’t argue, but this would not be the end of the matter. Rosemary was sure of that. Once they told Daett, he would have an opinion. Daett always did, and what Daett decided carried the day. She would have to submit, but she would still insist. She didn’t want to leave this world with the knowledge that a huge debt was left behind that others would have to pay.

  The miles on Route 68 rolled by in silence before they turned south on Old State Road, other than for an occasional sob from Mamm. Why am I not crying? Rosemary wondered. Perhaps because the reality of the verdict had not set in, or because hope died slowly. How could she give up Ezra and their future together? She couldn’t. Dying was not an option, regardless of what Dr. Katz claimed was wrong with her.

  Rosemary stilled her thoughts as Mamm turned into their home’s driveway. Daett came out of the barn to wait. His lengthy beard flowed down over the front of his shirt, and for the first time the tears came. Rosemary pressed them back, but a sob still caught in her throat as Mamm brought the buggy to a stop.

  Daett came up to hold Buster’s bridle while they climbed down. “What did the doctor say?” he asked.

  Mamm wailed and rushed over to throw herself in his arms. “Oh, Daett, pray for us. The storm has come into our home. Our eldest is at death’s door.”

  Daett appeared puzzled. “How can this be? You look well, Rosemary.”

  Rosemary didn’t answer. That was her feeling exactly. But if she was honest, her body spoke of other things. Only Ezra had made her pay attention. That was the cruel twist in all this. Ezra! The man she loved with all her heart.

  “The doctor claims it’s highly advanced,” Mamm continued. “Pancreatic cancer is among the slyest ones, he says. And it crept up while we were busy with other things. Only chemo and experimental treatments are available, and they are very expensive. Oh Daett, this cannot be.”

  “Incurable,” Daett muttered. He unhitched Buster and led the horse toward the barn without a backward glance.

  “Come.” Mamm took Rosemary’s arm. “You come inside and rest.”

  Rosemary resisted. “I must tell Ezra.”

  Mamm shook her head. “Ezra will be here. He knows about your tests today, and in times like this…well, Ezra will know he’s needed.”

  Rosemary gave in and allowed Mamm to lead her inside. But she refused to sit down, even though a great weakness flooded through her. This was only a case of nerves, Rosemary assured herself, but she had said that often enough in the past. Perhaps she had best admit that she had been wrong before and was wrong now. With a sigh, Rosemary settled on the couch.

  Ann appeared in the kitchen doorway, and Rosemary tuned out the conversation between Ann and Mamm. She didn’t want to hear the words again. Words that spelled such awful things. Words that said the world would soon not be her home. Only when Ann came to her with a tearstained face did Rosemary try to stand. Ann pushed her down and sat on the couch to embrace Rosemary with both arms. Great sobs racked Ann’s body. Why am I not the one in tears? Rosemary wondered again. But already she was weary of questions that had no answers. If this was the way of the Lord, then she would rather travel the road quickly.

  Now if only Ezra would come. But how could he? Ezra didn’t know. No one expected this would be the news. At the worst, Ezra probably figured she had a mild flu or something eq
ually benign. Perhaps Mamm was right. Ezra would come tonight. She had only to wait for him. Ezra had never held her in his arms before, but that was what she wanted. The feel of his strength around her shoulders, to hear the pounding of his heart against her ear. Ezra’s health would become hers. She would draw strength from him, as she had these last weeks. Wasn’t that what had kept her going this long? If Ezra hadn’t been in her life, she would have been to the doctor long ago. But even that would have been too late, Rosemary told herself.

  “You had best come up to your room.” Mamm’s concerned face floated in front of Rosemary. “Come, we will help.”

  Ann appeared on the other side of Rosemary, and together they walked her to the stair door. But only Mamm stayed with her on the climb up.

  “Now, lie down for a while, and we’ll call you for supper,” Mamm said. She smoothed out the quilt and helped Rosemary onto the bed.

  The room spun slowly even before Mamm left, and the soft click on the bedroom door was a welcome sound. She wanted to drift off, but she wanted Ezra worse. The desire to see him rose like a deep thirst inside of her. Rosemary staggered to her feet and made it over to the window before she slid to the floor.

  Dreams of starry nights and dark clouds floated in front of her mind, and when Rosemary woke, Ezra’s face was just above hers. Mamm was right beside Ezra.

  “She must have fallen,” Mamm said.

  Rosemary felt a smile fill her face. “You have come,” she whispered. “Hold me, Ezra. Hold me tight.”

  Mamm appeared more frightened than horrified at such plain talk. Mamm stepped back, and Ezra lifted Rosemary in his strong arms. Rosemary clung to his neck and pushed her face close to his chest. The steady beat of Ezra’s heart pounded in her ears. This is heaven, Rosemary decided, or the first taste of it. These were the arms that would carry her through the rough waters ahead. She had been given Ezra for a reason, and now she knew why. Rosemary took a long breath as Ezra lowered her effortlessly onto the quilt-covered bed.