Barmy Britain
Page 1
To my son Gary
CONTENTS
Title Page
Dedication
Introduction
1 Signs of the Times
2 Sporting Life
3 Law and Disorder
4 Best of Britishness
5 Media Madness
6 Royal Flush
7 Rude Britannia
8 Politics: Order, Order
9 Animal Magic
10 Nanny State
11 Food for Thought
12 Wedded Bliss
13 What’s Up, Doc
14 Driven to Distraction
15 Not Dead, Just Resting
16 Travel Troubles
17 What’s in a Name
18 Raise Your Glasses
19 School’s Out
20 Plain Eccentric
21 A Touch of Class
22 Council Daze
23 Let Us Pray
24 Mind Your Language
25 Golden Oldies
26 Just the Job
27 Christmas Presence
28 Odds and Sods
About the Author
Copyright
INTRODUCTION
Having spent over half a century working on newspapers, I am still well-placed to plough through chaotic piles of newsprint and magazines, searching for the ridiculous and offbeat and decidedly British. I started as a 14-year-old copy boy on the Yorkshire Evening News in Leeds and then went to the Daily Dispatch in Manchester, followed by a six month holiday relief stint at the Daily Mail’s Manchester office: the perfect training ground to identify and make a note of stories that embrace our traditional role of triumphantly meddling through with affable incompetence.
Some of the items which make up this book take no more than a couple of minutes to note down; others can take half an hour or more – digesting long articles and extracting from them a couple of sentences that throw some light on what it is about the British that make the British British.
I would like to thank the publications listed at the end of this book. But most of all, I would like to thank every eccentric character whose antics have ensured their appearance between these covers. Bravo Barmy Britain!
CHAPTER 1
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
Drivers advised to ‘Honk if you like our quiet town’…
Spotted on the back of a motorcyclist:
IF YOU CAN READ THIS MY WIFE FELL OFF.
Independent on Sunday
Due to an error in transmission we reported that a lady was found dead with a bottle in her hand. This should have read ‘bible’.
Swindon Evening Advertiser
Simon Heffer tells of the effect of a superstore opening outside his market town. It was summed up by a notice put up by a local fishmonger: ‘Please do not mention Tesco, as a smack in the mouth often offends’.
Daily Telegraph
A shop sign advertised ‘Extra Large Bonsai Trees’.
Independent
W. George Preston of Southampton spotted for sale a ‘Jumbo Mini Fan’.
Daily Telegraph
Johnson and Johnson’s rectal thermometer comes with the guarantee that ‘All Johnson and Johnson’s products are personally tested’.
Kelvin Mackenzie, the Sun
Dave and Anne Osborn of Fettercairn, Laurencekirk, spotted this sign:
BELL NOT WORKING OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT
Daily Mail
Richard Bird, of Blewbury, Oxfordshire, says he has been kept amused for years by a large digital display road sign he once saw. On a support pole at the side of the road there was a sign saying: ‘This sign is not yet in use’.
Independent
Ian Hall, of Burnhill Green, South Staffordshire, writes in The Times about a notice at an entrance to self-catering accommodation he saw in Cork, Ireland:
‘To operate the security lock, press buttons 2 and 4 together then press 3. If you still can’t open the door, the one at the end of the corridor is not locked.’
The Times
K. J. Faulks, of Leicester, spotted this classified ad in the Leicester Mercury:
‘Computer wooden gas operated, good condition £30’.
Leicester Mercury
Robert Price of Penrith, Cumbria, tells of his new power jigsaw with its mains lead, electric motor, sharp blades and a laser. The instructions came in a plastic bag bearing the warning: ‘Plastic bags can be extremely dangerous’.
The Times
Sign in a Portsmouth shopping centre: ‘Illegal parking enforced’.
Independent
Miss M. L. Whittle, of Bournemouth, asks ‘Couldn’t they just clamp them?’ after reading this notice in a café/shop in Kimmeridge, Dorset:
ANY CARS PARKED IN THIS CAR PARK WHOSE OWNERSHIP WE ARE UNABLE TO ASCERTAIN BY ENQUIRY WITHIN OUR PREMISES WILL BE DONATED TO THE MOD GUNNERY SCHOOL FOR TARGET PRACTICE
Daily Mail
A pre-paid Business Reply Service envelope bears the address:
Post Office Savings, PO Box 198, Widnes, WA8 2AA On the back there is this message:
If undelivered return to: Post Office Savings, PO Box 198, Widnes, WA8 2AA.
Colin Stonely, Independent on Sunday
Well-behaved Dogs and Children Welcome on Leads’ – advert for the Turfcutters Arms in the Waterside Herald, spotted by Mrs Brenda Stevens, Southampton.
Waterside Herald
BUYING or SELLING a house could cost you dear. See a SOLICITOR… Just to be SURE.
Yorkshire Evening Press
Seen on a car in Norfolk: ‘If you can read this where the hell is my caravan?’
G. Wilford, King’s Lynn, Norfolk. Daily Telegraph
Notice in a London restaurant menu: ‘There is a very small possibility of finding nuts in our dishes that do not contain them at all.’
F. W. Crawley, London N6. The Times
I noticed that my ‘vanilla flavour’ yoghurt listed 14 added ingredients – not one of which was vanilla.
Ian Sykes, The Times
Seen in the back window of a van: ‘I owe, I owe, so off to work I go’.
Susan Morris, Chalfont St Peter.
Reader’s Digest
‘Neuter your cat at a cut price’. Ad in the Derby Evening Telegraph.
Jack Phillips, Derby. Daily Mail
Nigel Stapley, of Brymbo, Wrexham, recalls his favourite newspaper correction: ‘Due to a mishearing on the telephone we reported that Mr and Mrs (name withheld) would be living with the bride’s father. They will in fact be living at the Old Manse.’
Guardian
‘Virgin sleepers. Never been laid. £18 each plus VAT.’
Advertisement quoted in the Guardian
An advert for a pets’ underskin microchipping service, seen in a local paper in Droitwich, Worcestershire: ‘£9.50 per animal. Pensioners free’.
Daily Mail
Notice in a memorabilia shop in Mevagissey, Cornwall: ‘Do not tell the shopkeeper that you used to have one of those at home’.
Metro
The instructions with my new steam iron includes the warning: ‘Never steam iron the garment you are wearing’.
Christopher Bell, Sevenoaks, Kent. The Times
I recently bought a pack of tablets that states on the container: ‘For the relief of headaches’. Among the list of possible side effects it says: ‘May cause headaches’.
Ken Battersby, Millom, Cumbria. Daily Telegraph
I have been given a prescription for a medicine that has 83 possible side-effects, none of which I have suffered in the past. It would seem the cure is more hazardous than the complaint.
Ken Hill, Farnborough, Hants. Daily Telegraph
Inflatable single mattress, complete with pump. Ideal for those unwanted guests.
; Advert in Basildon Evening Echo. Sunday Times
‘Visitors are invited to bring along some food suitable for sharing in a finger buffet’.
From the Swindon Evening Advertiser announcing a talk by missionaries on cannibalism.
‘If you enjoy working with people, why not become a mortuary technician?’
Dorset Echo
On a recent car journey we passed a fitness centre with the banner: ‘Detox Here’. A mile or two further on there was a pub sign: ‘Retox Here’.
Elaine Brooksbank, Illingworth, West Yorskshire.
Reader’s Digest.
Instructions on a new digital telephone include: ‘When the other person answers, speak’.
Debbie Beasley, Langdon Hills, Essex.
The Times
Sir, I recently borrowed an aluminium extending ladder and, having climbed to the top, I found a small bright orange sticker with an arrow pointing at the top rung. In French, German and English it read: ‘STOP! This is the last rung’. I wonder who would ignore this instruction and carry on?
Les Wayles of Christchurch, Dorset.
The Times
In a contest to find Britain’s silliest packaging instructions the samples below were finalists:
Nytol sleep aid: ‘Warning: may cause drowsiness’.
Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert: ‘Do not turn upside down’ – printed on bottom of box.
Marks and Spencer’s bread pudding: ‘Product will be hot after heating’.
Boots Children’s Cough Medicine: ‘Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication’.
On several brands of Christmas lights: ‘For indoor or outdoor use only’.
On irons: ‘Never iron clothes on the body’.
On Lip Enhancing Gloss: ‘For external use on the oral lips only’.
On a child’s Superman costume: ‘Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly’.
Sunday Telegraph
Found on the underside of a box of sweets; ‘Do not read while the carton is open’.
Chris Spurrier, Hampshire. The Times
A woman writes from America to tell the Daily Telegraph about the Harry Potter broomstick given to her five-year-old. The packaging read: ‘Caution. Broom does not really fly.’
Daily Telegraph
On the handlebars of a child’s scooter: ‘Caution. This product moves when used.’
Martin G. Sexton, Norwich. The Times
Sign advertising rabbits outside a butcher’s shop in Worthing, West Sussex:
WATERSHIP DOWN. YOU’VE READ THE BOOK. YOU’VE SEEN THE FILM. NOW TRY THE STEW.
Yorkshire Evening Post
Sign in a Chelsea butcher’s window:
YOU’VE READ THE BOOK. YOU’VE SEEN THE FILM. NOW EAT THE CAST.
Jennifer North, London SW1V. The Times
My favourite sign was in the window of an Indian restaurant in the Midlands: ‘Once you have eaten here, you’ll recommend others.’
Maggie D’Araujo, Bristol.
Guardian
Sign on a car park exit machine in Mousehole on the Cornish coast:
IF THE BARRIER FAILS TO OPERATE, GIVE THE MACHINE A LIGHT TAP. IF IT IS STILL NOT WORKING, PLEASE CALL AT THE SECOND SHOP ON THE LEFT AS YOU ENTER THE VILLAGE. IF THE SHOP IS CLOSED, CONTACT MR. SMITH AT 7 NEW ROAD, MOUSEHOLE.
R. D. Nash, St. Ives, Cornwall.
Daily Mail
Wacky warning labels have included: ‘Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.’ ‘This wood drill is not intended for use as a dental drill.’ ‘Remove child before folding this push chair.’ ‘Never iron clothes while they are being worn.’
Independent on Sunday
I once stayed in a Blackpool B&B featuring a sign reading: ‘No Wearing Boots in Bed.’
Andrew Marr, Daily Telegraph
The packaging on a rain gauge purchased by David Booker of Bognor Regis carried the words: ‘Ideal for outdoors’.
The Times
On leaving the M5 and taking the road to Portishead there’s a sign saying: ‘Danger – Low Flying Owls’. On the A249 in Kent there is signpost for Hucking on which someone has written underneath: ‘Hell’.
Daily Mail
There was a demonstration of marital arts on the village green.
Spotted by Bob Lee of Byfleet, Surrey in the Byfleet and Addlestone Review. Daily Mail
John Furniss, of Bedale, North Yorkshire, bought sunglasses with a label saying that they were ‘Filter Category 1, tested to British Standard BS EN1836’. A second label said: ‘Not for use in bright sunlight’.
The Times
A Daily Telegraph reader saw a birthday card for an 80-year-old that carried the message: ‘Not suitable for children under three’. Ricky Kelehar, of London N16 then wrote to say he had bought a card with the same message. Unfortunately it was for a two-year-old.
Daily Telegraph
Luton Angling Club has designed a sign showing a swan inside a red circle along with a knife and fork and the Guardian asks: Does it mean ‘Don’t Feed the Swans?’ Or ‘Swans Not Served Here?’ Or ‘A Swan Is Never To Be Used As Cutlery?’ Apparently the sign is aimed at informing immigrants that wild swans are not for human consumption – ‘Unless you are the Queen, who eats them every Wednesday.’
Guardian
The Bennetts of Pilton, Somerset, sent their daughter a ‘Congratulations on Your Graduation’ card. On the reverse it said: ‘Not suitable for children under five.’
The Times
Claire-Marie Slater, of Tunbridge Wells, bought a disposable barbecue with this warning: ‘Do not use in cribs, beds, prams or playpens.’
The Times
Bryan Flake writes about passing through a quaint village with this greeting sign:
‘HONK IF YOU LIKE OUR QUIET LITTLE TOWN’.
Reader’s Digest
Sign seen at Unst, Shetland Isles, by Mrs M Featherstone, of Spalding, Lincolnshire:
DONALD RITCH PURVEYOR OF FINE MEATS, FLAT CAPS & TURPENTINE
Daily Mail
This road sign was spotted by Robert Kite, of Sutton-in-Ashfield, Nottinghamshire:
BROADBOTTOM PUBLIC CONVENIENCES
‘Where do the narrow bottoms go?’ asked the caption.
Daily Mail
As part of its determination to get tough on crime a police force put up signs urging: ‘Don’t Commit Crime’. Other daft signs spotted by the Plain English Campaign included:
Water on Road During Rain
All Fuel Must be Paid For (at petrol stations)
Warning! Platform Ends Here (at a railway station)
Sun
Seen in an Edinburgh bar:
EAT HERE & YOU’LL NEVER LIVE TO REGRET IT
Spotted by Mr R. Howard, of Manchester. Daily Mail
Pauline Moore of Woodbridge, Suffolk, reports a birthday card bearing the message: ‘May this be your best birthday ever’. It was for a one-year-old.
Sunday Telegraph
Seen on a fence in the Lake District near Crummock Water and photographed by Peter Pedley:
TEK CARE LAMBS ONT ROAD
Seen on a farm gate at Cockerham, near Lancaster, by Malcolm Nightingale, of Preston, Lancashire:
OWER SHEEP AVE NO ROAD SENSE
Daily Mail
CHAPTER 2
SPORTING LIFE
Sporting joy sweeps through England after victories in three major sports – football, rugby, and… conkers…
A box containing a pair of Puma trainers carries this vital information: ‘Average Contents: Two’.
Daily Mail
Brighton and Hove Albion are blessed with a diminutive mid-fielder, Dean Cox – inspiring some fans to chant: ‘We’ve got tiny Cox’. Others prefer: ‘We’ve got five-foot Cox’.
Guardian
The Guardian followed this up, recalling how Bristol City had a manager called Alan Dicks, who had to endure the howl: ‘Dicks out!’
Guardian
The weekend of 20–21 October
2007 kicked off with British hopes of world championships on two fronts. But Formula One boy racer Lewis Hamilton lost his chance of becoming world champion and the England rugby team were runners up in the World Cup. As The Times reported: ‘Many will see this as a disastrous weekend for British sport, but it is nothing of the sort… Look at it this way: It’s not that England lost, it’s that they nearly won.’
The Times
Fiery fast bowler Freddie Trueman saw a batsman flick one of his balls towards fielder Raman Subba Row. But the balled slipped through the fielder’s hands and then through his legs. Subba Row apologised and said: ‘I should have kept my legs shut.’
‘Aye, lad,’ said Fred, ‘and so should your mother.’
Independent
England cricketer Freddie Flintoff was reported ‘to have disgraced himself by getting drunk and absconding on a pedalo’. Jan Moir in the Daily Telegraph commented: ‘Perhaps this is just another symptom of the strange transformation that comes over many Englishmen when travelling abroad. Freddie was only reverting to national stereotype, so let us not judge him too harshly.’
Daily Telegraph
In his book, More Than a Game, cricket loving former Prime Minister John Major writes of a match between Kent and Essex played at Tilbury Fort.
A Kent player shot and killed a member of the opposing team, a spectator was bayoneted and a soldier shot dead.
Mercifully, it was in 1776.
Sun
Great sporting joy swept throughout England in October 2007 with victories in three major sports – football, rugby and… conkers. ‘What a triple triumph!’ crowed the Sun – ‘normally we’d only expect to win at conkers.’