Barmy Britain
Page 2
Sun
At a time when all the other news columns were moaning about how fat everybody is, the Guardian magazine pointed out that some of history’s most significant figures have been fat.
Its list includes Henry VIII, Buddha, Father Christmas, Orson Welles, Oliver Hardy and Luciano Pavarotti, and it has this to say of W. G. Grace (a fine all-round cricketer in every sense): ‘It’s fair to assume that were he playing now, instead of our totally useless current crop, England would still be in the World Cup.’
Guardian G2
Cardiff University gathered together the ecological impact of the 73,000 who attended the Manchester v Millwall FA Cup Final at the city’s Millennium Stadium in 2004.
37,624 sausage rolls, pies and pasties
26,965 sandwiches
17,998 hot dogs
12,780 burgers
11,502 packets of crisps
23,909 portions of chips
303,001 pints of lager
66,584 pints of beer
38,906 pints of cider
12,452 bottles of wine
90,481 shots
63,141 alcopops
The binge left its mark on Cardiff city centre:
37 tonnes of glass
8 tonnes of paper
11 tonnes of uneaten food
None was recycled.
Guardian
Some changes needed to be made when The Dangerous Book for Boys was rewritten for the American market. Conkers don’t get a mention, but there’s something called ‘stickball’. You won’t find the laws of cricket, but there is the equally incomprehensible Navajo Code Talkers’ Dictionary. A section listing the Kings and Queens of England and Scotland has been replaced with The Most Valuable Players in Baseball.
The Times
In England we would call Former Prime Minister the Rt. Hon Sir John Major, KG, something of a cricket anorak. He unashamedly admits that if he knew he was going to die tonight he would still want to know the close-of-play scores. He says: ‘Cricket helped to bind the British Empire together.’
Clem Attlee used to get updates of county scores during Cabinet meetings.
The Times
In May 2007 it was reported that Filton Golf Club, near Bristol, had finally ended its 88-year war with Germany and Austria.
In 1919 they thought they would teach them a lesson for starting World War I and banned them from using their course. Now members have decided to let bygones be bygones and rescinded the ban.
Independent on Sunday
The £400,000 London Olympics logo provoked howls of protest and Guardian diarist Jon Henley reported: ‘If one more reader emails to tell us that the internet is buzzing with reports that it looks like Lisa Simpson performing an unmentionable act on Bill Clinton, we will scream.’
Guardian
Another critic said: ‘To me it represents two drunks trying to help each other up off the ground. Very British, indeed.’
Daily Telegraph
The Rev John Fairweather-Tall of Plymouth, Devon, wrote: ‘I saw the logo on your front page. Ought this not to have been on the back page, along with the other puzzles?’
Daily Telegraph
Wars raged and world leaders gathered at the G8 Summit, but British newspapers know what their readers want to know about: ‘Changing climate puts World Conker Championship Title in Danger’ was a Page One headline in the Daily Telegraph on Monday, 11 June 2007.
Daily Telegraph
Manchester United extended the car park at its training ground to accommodate players’oversized limos.
Independent on Sunday
Eddie the Eagle finished last in the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary and was hailed as ‘a very British kind of hero’. The Independent on Sunday produced some rules on just what it takes to win the affection of the British public and included:
At all costs don’t win. The longer ‘Tiger’ Tim Henman went without reaching a Wimbledon final the more we took him to our hearts.
Acquire underdog status. A classic case is cricketer Monty Panesar – wildly enthusiastic and only vaguely athletic. Every wicket Monty takes becomes its own joyful ‘would you believe it’ story.
Independent on Sunday
‘Plant was rooted to the spot.’
Football match report in the Littlehampton Gazette.
British newspapers and magazines do their best to maintain the myth that cricket is a gentleman’s game. The magazine Chap gives this advice for ‘keeping the gentleman’s game on a decent wicket: ‘When batting one should aim mainly to retain one’s dignity, particularly at the moment when your wicket is lost. The number of runs you score should be finely balanced so that you do not demoralise the opposition.’
Chap magazine
Foreign visitors to the sacred Lords cricket ground in London can buy an explanation of the game which says:
‘You have two sides. One out in the field and one in. Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out. When they are all out the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When both sides have been in and out – including the not outs – that’s the end of the game. Howzat!’
From a tea-towel bought at Lords
Leeds manager Eddie Gray: ‘It was always an uphill task for us and after they scored it was downhill all the way. It left us with a mountain to climb.’
Sun
A golf ball that stuck in the mouth of a lioness at Knowsley safari park has changed the rules of the game. The game’s governing body now says that any golfer who hits a ball into the mouth of a lioness should be allowed to drop another ball on the nearest spot that is not dangerous.
Sunday Times
BBC commentator Kenneth Wolstenholme became a national institution after uttering the most famous words in British sport. As England scored a last-minute fourth goal in their 1966 World Cup triumph over Germany, he announced: ‘They think it’s all over, it is now.’ The Sun seized the opportunity of recalling other famous sporting quotes:
‘Football isn’t a matter of life and death – it’s much more important than that.’ Bill Shankly, manager of Liverpool.
‘Winning doesn’t really matter as long as you win.’ Soccer star Vinnie Jones.
‘For the benefit of those watching in black and white, Tottenham Hotspurs are playing in yellow.’ TV commentator John Motson.
‘Don’t tell those just coming in the result of this fantastic match – but let’s have another look at Italy’s winning goal.’ TV commentator David Coleman.
Sun
‘Authorities are reluctant to ban bungee jumping in case they drive it underground.’
Radio 4, reported in a letter to the Guardian
Henry Longhurst used to say that golf needed only three rules: the player who won the last hole tees off first. The player furthest from the flag putts first. The player who wins stands the first round of drinks.
Letter to The Times.
‘Wimbledon has changed from being a genteel sports fortnight for the suburban middle classes to a coarse gladiatorial contest for the vulgar masses… but the tennis is better than ever. Buy earplugs.’ Philip Howard in The Times.
Philip recalled Wimbledon’s original official announcements, which included: ‘Please do not applaud a double fault.’
The Times
A rugby scrum is ‘essentially a boxing match for 16 people without the Queensbury rules. It is home to punching, gouging and testicle twisting. Not pretty.’
Guardian
A Leicester angler uses jelly babies as bait and says that cod like black ones and bass like green ones.
The Times
Falcon Rovers striker Gary Davenport, aged 27, of West Sussex, was banned from the penalty box after heading 14 own goals.
Sun
Somebody may well have said something similar before, but Hugh Muir quotes Geo
rge Best as saying: ‘I spent 90% of my money on women, drink and fast cars. The rest I wasted.’
Guardian Diary
Women now make up to a fifth of all fans attending Premiership football matches – and they enjoy abusing the ref as much as men. They seem to enjoy the singing and the tribalism – and swearing is just as prevalent as it has always been.
Independent on Sunday
Not many Olympic gold medals get pinned onto British chests, but the Sun attempted to cheer up its readers by reminding them that ‘We’re the world champs at wacky sports including gurning (pulling ugly faces), toe wrestling, lawn mower racing, arm wrestling, elephant polo, tug of war, kite-flying, welly-tossing, cheese rolling, black pudding throwing, ferret racing and tiddlywinks.’
Sun
The English rugby team’s defeat did not appear to dampen their spirits for their trip home. Their British Airways flight took off with 76 extra bottles of champagne and an increase of 60% in the usual beer allocation.
The Times
On BBC TV a doyen of the snooker table, approaching his 70th birthday, was said to be ‘too old to get his leg over and prefers to use his left hand.’ And Alex Higgins was said to be ‘suddenly, 7-0 down’.
The girlfriend of soccer star Jermain Defoe got a job at the Foreign Office – advising wannabe WAGs how to behave on overseas trips. 22-year-old Charlotte Meares’ advice to Wives and Girlfriends includes:
Get insured in case you fall off a bar table.
How to cope with broken finger nails or when your extensions turn green in the pool.
How to cope with cops after wild partying.
Always check that your hotel has a beauty parlour.
How to stay looking your best if you are not taking a personal stylist with you.
Sun
Sporting Brits may often fail to shine at international contests, but that’s not so when it comes to eccentric events such as the World Bog Snorkelling Championships.
Joanne Pitchforth, a 35 year-old teacher from Heckmondwike, West Yorkshire, beat an international field of 120 competitors and set a new world record at Llanwrtyd Wells, Mid-Wales. She emerged filthy but triumphant after taking 1 minute 35.18 seconds to complete the two 60-yard lengths of peat bog – beating the previous record of 1 minute 35.46 seconds.
28-seconds is a long time when you are up to your neck in a black bog…
The Times
It must rank as one of the weirdest global spectator sports, with more than 1.5million people logging on to watch a 44lb handmade Cheddar cheese from Shepton Mallet slowly maturing. The Somerset-based cheese, named Wedginald, is the star of www.cheddarvisiontv.com. Along with a huge picture of the prized cheese, the website’s only other noticeable feature is a chronicle of how long it has been maturing: in days, hours, minutes and seconds.
The Times
Amidst all the fever of the 2007 Rugby World Cup semi finals in October the Daily Telegraph had a whole page headlined 30 REASONS WHY WE HATE THE FRENCH. High up on the list:
Because they make love more than anyone else.
On average that’s 137 times a year.
We manage only 119.
Daily Telegraph
A Daily Telegraph leader said of the rugby that it was a noble defeat which should be inspiring to every Briton.
Daily Telegraph
The Sun tried to cheer up its readers with a page one headline:
OH WELL, THERE’S ALWAYS DARTS
Sun
Discussion about New Zealand rugby players performing their pre-match Haka war dance produced the suggestion that the English team should respond with Morris dancing. Peter Croft, of Cambridge, thought that such a response would fall foul of international human rights conventions prohibiting cruel and unusual punishment.
Sunday Telegraph
CHAPTER 3
LAW AND DISORDER
It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament…
A woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. She said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
Manchester Evening News
Isobel Whatrup, of Gillingham, Kent, tells of a friend who decided to sell some surplus vegetables from a table outside the house, relying on an honesty box. Someone stole the table.
Daily Telegraph
Karim Allison, of Middlesbrough, reported his wheelie bin missing and got a letter from Victim Support offering him emotional support.
‘What I need,’ he said, ‘is just a new bin.’
Guardian
A set of traffic lights was stolen in Reading and police said: ‘Some thieves will stop at nothing.’
Southend Evening Echo
A life-sized cardboard cut-out policeman – set up as a crime prevention measure – was stolen from a supermarket in Ripon, North Yorkshire.
Daily Telegraph
It seems to be becoming a national pastime. Shortly after the above theft another cardboard policeman failed to deter thieves – this time in Long Eaton, Derbyshire. The life-size figure of PC Bob Molloy, who had previously been credited with keeping shoplifters away from the local Co-Op, was seen on CCTV being carried away – tucked under a man’s arm.
Sunday Times
The law banning anyone from dying in the Houses of Parliament topped a poll on Britain’s most absurd rules. Second was the one banning the sticking of a postage stamp upside-down. More than half of the 3,931 taking part in the poll admitted breaking the law that bans the eating of mince pies on Christmas Day.
Sun
Some like it hot:
Police closed a street in Soho, London, for three hours amid fears of a chemical attack. But the acrid fumes hanging over the street came from a spicy dip with extra chillies being cooked in a Thai restaurant.
Sunday Times
At Woolwich Crown Court Mr Justice Openshaw asked: ‘What is a website?’ This joins a list of comments that are forever trotted out in support of the legend of judicial ignorance. The list includes:
What are the Beatles?
Who is Gazza?
What is Linford Christie’s lunch box?
What is a Teletubby?
What is B&Q?
(Next day the judge said he had played dumb ‘to assist the jury’ and was seeking an explanation ‘in the interests of justice’)
The Times
A supermarket till operator in Aberdare, South Wales, overheard a customer say ‘Battle of Hastings’ as she tapped in her PIN. Using the customer’s debit card he tapped 1066 into the store’s cash machine and plundered £170.
The Times
Ipswich Crown Court gave a driving instructor a 12-month supervision order and 80 hours unpaid community work after hearing that he had told a 17-year-old girl pupil: ‘Your breasts would make a good mobile phone holder.’
Daily Mail
19-year-old Kyle Little was arrested under the Public Order Act for barking at two dogs. His name was cleared in Newcastle Crown Court in a hearing that cost £8,000. Judge Beatrice Bolton said: ‘I don’t think Section Five of the Public Order Act applies to dogs.’
The dogs’ owner said: ‘They were not upset by it at all.’
Daily Telegraph
PC 1064 of the Norfolk Constabulary is a local hero in Lithuania and has been awarded a medal for the way he helps Lithuanians over here. The ever-helpful Guardian filled a page with the story of PC Gary Pettengell and included vital translations of essential phrases:
Hello, hello, hello (Labas, labas, labas)
Move along there please (Vijeok deasi prasau)
Let’s be having you (Kilosek minas)
Evening all (Labanakt)
Guardian
A man who crept on to the roof of a tanning salon in Wiltshire to spy on a naked woman was caught when the roof collapsed under him.
The Times
Richard Brunstrom, Chief Constable of North Wales, famed for cracking down on errant motorists, revealed in his web journal, how he spent a day off.
While his wife was away, he wrote, he had the opportunity to ‘sneak off and have some fun.’ He got back into uniform and spent a 12-hour shift on the A497 on the outskirts of Pwllheli along with a camera that ‘read 5,891 number plates from which we had 321 hits, resulting in us stopping 109 cars. During the course of the day the team arrested 22 people, mostly for possession of relatively small amounts of cannabis.’
Daily Telegraph
A senior police officer who admitted having sex while on duty was cleared of any offence after he told the court he was always poised and ready to respond to an emergency… because he had his earpiece in.
Daily Mail
A woman from Paisley, near Glasgow, was threatened with an Asbo unless her 13-year-old son stopped practising on his bagpipes at home.
Daily Telegraph
Following claims that police officers were being forced to make ludicrous arrests in an attempt to meet Home Office targets, a Police Dossier of Dubious ‘Offences’ was produced. It included:
West Midlands woman arrested on her wedding day for criminal damage to a car park barrier when her foot slipped on the accelerator pedal.
A child arrested in Kent for throwing a cream bun at a bus.
Cheshire man cautioned for being ‘found in possession of an egg with intent to throw’.
Kent child who removed a slice of cucumber from a sandwich and threw it at another youngster.
Two Manchester children arrested under firearms laws for being in possession of a plastic toy pistol.
Daily Mail
Extra police are to be deployed on the streets of Brighton when the moon is full. Neil Rogers, of Deeside, Flintshire, wrote that to counter the effects of a full moon on some of the populace officers should be issued with a garlic flavoured pepper spray and a silver truncheon.