Need to Love You

by Megan Smith

  “Come on, bud, we have to go meet Grandma and Grandpa at La Esperanza.”

  Alex jumps from his bed and follows me down the stairs.

  “Is Daddy coming?”

  “I’m not sure. Maybe he’ll meet us there.”

  Alex frowns but says nothing else.

  When we pull up to the restaurant, Elle and Andrew are already in the parking lot waiting for us.

  “Grandma,” Alex shouts from the back seat. Before I even get the key out of the ignition he’s got his seatbelt off and is climbing up front.

  “Jeez, Alex, you never get that excited when you see me,” I tease.

  He gives me one of his killer smiles that always melts my heart.

  We both climb out of the car and meet Elle and Andrew. Elle leans in and kisses me on the cheek. “Hello, sweetheart, is Jackson not joining us?”

  I shrug my shoulders as Elle bends down to pick up Alex. “I guess not since he wasn’t ready to go.”

  Andrew nods. “I thought since he gets done early on Fridays that he wouldn’t be so busy with work.”

  “Yeah, me too,” I mutter following behind them into the restaurant.

  After dinner is over I’m even madder than I was when I got to the restaurant. Jackson never showed up and I refuse to make excuses for him. It shouldn’t surprise me that he didn’t show but a little piece of me was really hoping he would. I glance in the rearview mirror as I pull onto the street and see that Alex is knocked out cold. Now I just have to get him in the house without waking him up. If he gets up now he’ll be up till midnight and I’m too tired to stay up that late with him.

  I pull into the driveway and, surprise, surprise, Jackson’s truck is gone. “Figures,” I mutter.

  Opening my car door I shut it as quietly as I can. I open Alex’s door and get him into my arms; thankfully, he doesn’t even stir. Getting the front door unlocked was a little tricky but I managed. As I walk up the stairs to his room I slip off his shoes and decide to just leave him in his clothes since kids rarely care what they sleep in and these are comfortable enough without being too hot.

  I sigh and lean against his door for just a second. Where in the hell did Jackson go now? Every time he slips away from the house I never know and when I ask about it in the morning it starts a fight. The idea of fighting with him makes my skin crawl because half the time it’s not worth it. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about our marriage lately and I’m beginning to wonder it it’s heading for divorce. Jackson just isn’t the same man he used to be. I’m not exactly sure when that change happened but if we can’t get it back on course we’re going to fall off the ledge and there will be no fixing it. There is a time when things aren’t reparable and we are fast approaching that stage.

  Climbing into bed alone, once again, is becoming normal to me but tonight I decide to lock the door so that Jackson can’t get in. I’m not even sure if he’ll try but if he does he’ll know I mean business this time because I’ve never done something like this before.

  Jackson

  I sit up when I hear bare feet slapping against the floor. My head is throbbing and my mouth feels like it’s stuffed with cotton. I sit up, swing my legs around, and lean forward holding my head. “What’s going on?”

  A flash of last night comes into focus. Drinking at Ocean’s knowing damn well I should have went to Fierce. I blink my eyes a few times; I don’t have these hardwood floors in my living room. I lift my head a little more and see the fireplace directly in front of me with a picture of Jaylinn and Cooper staring at me, the picture from their wedding that takes me back to a better time in my own marriage.

  Cooper shakes his head at me. “Jaylinn’s in labor. We’re on our way to the hospital.”

  I turn my head in my brother’s direction a little too fast as the throbbing pain bounces inside my head. “Good luck.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Make yourself useful and call everyone to meet us at the hospital, will ya?” Cooper yells a little louder than necessary. Fucker.

  I cover my ears to stop the ringing. “Yeah, alright.”

  After they leave I stand up from the couch and make my way into the kitchen to get something to drink, and massive amounts of pain reliever. Chloe is going to fucking kill me when I get home. Maybe I won’t go home for a while; let her cool off. Yeah, I can hopefully distract her with the news of Jaylinn being in labor. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll act like I came here because of that.

  I wander back into the living room in search of my phone that’s miraculously ended up on the floor in plain sight. I dial Chloe. As it rings once my stomach lurches.

  Chloe’s voicemail picks up and I hang up not bothering to leave a message. I’m not surprised really that she didn’t answer. I tap the phone a few times and dial my mom.

  “Hey, sweetheart, everything okay?” Mom says while yawning.

  I clear my throat. “Yeah, I just wanted to let you know that Jaylinn is in labor. Cooper just took her to the hospital.”

  “Oh, it’s about time.” She yawns again. “I’ll wake Dad and head over.”

  “Okay. Bye, Mom.”

  “Sweetheart?”

  “Yeah?”

  She’s quiet for a second before she speaks again. “Jackson, is everything okay with you?”

  I let out a long sigh. “I don’t know, Mom.”

  I can picture her nodding her head. “You know you can always come and talk to me, right? I’m always here for you no matter what.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “Anytime, you know where to find me.”

  I hang up the phone and dial MacKenzie next. I know if I don’t call her right away and someone else tells her she’ll throw a fit.

  She finally answers on the fourth ring. “Jackson?”

  “Hey, just wanted to let know that Jaylinn is in labor.”

  “Finally,” I can picture my sister smiling. She’s been waiting forever she constantly tells them. I think she’s getting baby fever again.

  I chuckle. “I’m hanging up to go call Mason.”

  “Thanks for calling me.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  I dial Mason next. When he picks up all I hear in the background is complete chaos. Kids laughing and crying, Hailey yelling and the T.V. blasting. “Hello?”

  “Mase…”

  “Hey, what’s up, bro?”

  “I just wanted to let you know that Cooper is on the way to the hospital with Jaylinn.”

  “Lex, put that down.” I swear that little girl is mini-Mason in the making. She gets into everything and anything. “Lex, that’s gross, stop.”

  “Mase, I’ll let you go.”

  “Shit, man, sorry. Lex is playing with the mop that’s soaked with Caleb’s spilled milk and she’s trying to put it in her mouth.”

  I shudder, and then laugh. “That’s disgusting.”

  “Ugh, tell me about it.”

  “She’s your mini me.”

  Mason sighs. “I know and I wouldn’t want it any other way. At least I know she’ll give the boys a run for their money,” he chuckles. “She’s going to scare them all away and make my life a little easier.”

  “Ha, that’s what you think.”

  “You know I’m going to need you to watch out for her when I’m gone when the time comes.”

  “I got you.” I yawn and relax back against the couch. “Well, I’m going to let you go. I’ve got to run home to take a shower so I can go up to the hospital.”

  “Where are you? It’s not even eight in the morning.”

  “I crashed at Cooper’s.”

  “Again?”

  I sigh. “Yeah, I just needed a break.”

  Mason doesn’t say anything for a second and I know he’s wondering if he should push for information but he won’t. Mason’s not that kind of guy. He’ll wait until I’m ready. “Alright, I’ll probably see you up there,” he finally says.

  “Later.”

  I put the phone down beside me a
nd close my eyes for just a second because the throbbing in my head is getting worse with every passing second.

  Ring.

  Ring.

  Ring.

  What the hell is that noise? Jesus, make it stop!

  Ring.

  Ring.

  I pry my eyes open, the sun coming in from the windows is shining right in my face. “Shit.” Leaning forward I rub my eyes with the palms of my hands. I pick up my cell phone still sitting beside me. Fuck, it’s two-thirty and I have seven missed calls and five texts. I slide my finger across the screen, my mom, dad, Kenz, my dad and mom both called another time and two calls from Chloe. All the texts are from Cooper asking if I’m still alive and where the hell am I.

  Running a hand through my hair I get my ass up off the couch, grab my keys, cell phone, and wallet and make my way to my truck. I open the front door of their house and shield my eyes with my hand from the sun. After locking the door, I take the two steps to the walkway and stop in front of the driveway.

  “What the fuck?” I close my eyes and open them. My truck isn’t here.

  Where the hell is it?

  How did I get here last night?

  “Take me to 180 Cedar Drive.” I said leaning my head against the cold glass window.

  Someone who was standing next to the driver’s window said, “Here is money for his fare.”

  I closed my eyes when we pulled away from the curb. The alcohol was running strong in my system making me so damn tired. I felt like I could sleep for days.

  A hand gripped my upper arm. “You’re here.”

  I sat up and rubbed the heel of my palms in my eyes. When I opened them I recognize Cooper’s house. I climbed from the car, stumbled up the driveway to bang on Cooper’s door.

  “Coop, let me in,” I yelled.

  He didn’t answer so I continued to bang against the door until he finally opened it, but when he did I fell completely into the house.

  “You’re drunk again, asshole.” Cooper grumbled while helping me to my feet.

  “Sleep,” I tried to swallow but my mouth was so dry.

  “Yeah I know.”

  He tossed me on the couch and seconds later the darkness pulled me back under.

  I shake my head and take a seat on Cooper’s front steps. I’m in a world of shit. At least I didn’t drive home drunk. There is at least one plus side in this fucked up situation.

  I dig my cell phone back out of my pocket and call Mason. Hopefully he’ll answer and can take me to find my car. After a few rings I get his voicemail. “Fuck.”

  I try Hunter, MacKenzie, Cooper, and even mom and dad but no one answers their damn phones! What the hell is the point of having a cell phone if no one wants to pick it up?

  I guess the only other person left to call is Chloe. Using the distraction of the baby isn’t really going to work so much now. I could call one of the guys from work but I’d rather not mix my personal life with business.

  I dial Chloe and bring the phone up to my ear. It rings three times before she answers. “What, Jackson?”

  Yeah, she’s really fucking pissed.

  “Um…can you come pick me up from Cooper’s?”

  It’s quiet for a few very long seconds and the entire time I’m holding my breath.

  “Where’s your truck?”

  I scratch the top of my head. “The bar, I think.”

  She huffs and then I hear her tell Alex to put his shoes on. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  “Thank—” before I even finish she’s hung up on me. At least I know that she’s bringing Alex and she won’t fight with me in front of him.

  Chloe pulls up about fifteen minutes later. I stand up from the steps and walk over to the passenger side of the car. I drive ninety percent of the time but I feel like I’m still drunk from the night before so I just let her drive.

  “Hey,” I turn around towards the back seat to say hi to Alex but he’s not there. “Where’s Alex?”

  “You’re mom has him.”

  I nod and lean the seat back a little.

  “Where am I going to get your truck?” she asks as she backs out of the driveway.

  “Just go home first. I need a shower and more pain reliever.”

  No sooner do we get on the road than the questions start coming. I don’t want to fight with Chloe, I really don’t. I love her with everything I am, she’s the mother of my son and she’s my best friend but somewhere along the way shit has gotten fucked up between us.

  “Where did you go last night?”

  “Oceans.”

  She nods her head once and I know what she’s thinking. How come I didn’t go to Fierce? But I don’t answer her because, truthfully, I don’t know. I guess it’s because I just wanted to go somewhere no one really knows who I am. I can be whoever I want to be there. No one to judge me and think, ‘Shouldn’t you be home with your wife and kid?’

  “How did you get to Cooper’s?”

  I don’t answer right away but after she huffs I respond. “Cab.”

  She nods again. “That drunk, huh?”

  This time I nod because, fuck, everything is kind of a blur, pieces of the night are all a little hazy. I do remember driving my ass to the club, sitting at the bar and ordering drinks as I watched Sports Center.

  Chloe shakes her head in what I know is disgust. My temper flares and I want to scream and punch the hell out of something. She has every right to be disgusted with me but Goddamnit I’m allowed to fuck up every once in a while. I’ve done everything I should have done for her since we graduated high school.

  As we turn into the driveway she asks, “What the hell is going on with you, Jackson?” Her voice goes up an octave. “Did I do something wrong?”

  And my temper hits its threshold. Why can’t she just shut the fuck up? “You want to know what is wrong?” I yell. “I’ve always felt like I need to love you, need to take care of you, need to take care of fucking everything. I never got to grow up! Never got to go to college, never got to do my own thing or do anything I wanted because I was always fucking thinking and worrying about you.”

  As soon as the words are out of my mouth I regret them. The look on Chloe's face shifts from anger, to shock, to hurt, and then to devastated. I just did that to her. I just broke her heart. Damn it!

  I scrub my face with my hands. Chloe hasn’t said a word and, quite honestly, I don’t know if she will. Can I even take what I just said back?

  I don't know but I know I have to try for us and for Alex. Maybe this is my problem. Maybe I resent Chloe in some way. It’s wrong; I know it is, but fuck.

  Out of the corner of my eye I see Chloe turn. She places her hand on the door knob and looks back at me over her shoulder. “I’m sorry you think I’ve ruined your life, Jackson, but I didn’t get much of a choice in life either.” The door opens, Chloe steps out, and the door clicks shut behind. Silence is my solitary penance for this major fuck up.

  I’ve just royally fucked things up and of course now I decide that maybe I do still care about her.

  Chloe

  Always need to love you.

  Always need to take care of you.

  Always need to take care of everything.

  I can’t believe he said those things to me.

  Where in the hell did all of that come from?

  Does he really feel that way?

  My head is spinning right now while my heart shatters with every ticking second that passes. I run into our bedroom, turn to shut and lock door behind me. What is going on right now? I kick off my shoes before tossing myself onto the bed. I can’t even bring myself to cry because I’m still angry and in shock.

  Resentment is an ugly bitch. I know because I’ve felt it before. But, I never, never in a million years would have said what Jackson just said to me. I know by us having Alex so young we were in for a battle. We had to grow up too fast. We didn’t get to grow as a couple. Instead, we were forced to grow up and deal with the hand that we were dealt.


  The one major thing he said that is eating at me the most is when he said he always had to love me. No one could ever force Jackson to love me. Those are his feelings and they’re his to control. He can’t blame me for that one bit. So screw him for that. And as far as him taking care of me and everything, that was his bright idea to start with. I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom; I never wanted to be dependent upon him to provide for me when I’m capable of doing it myself. Jackson is the one who wanted me to stay home and look after Alex.

  “Chloe,” Jackson yells from somewhere downstairs.

  I grit my teeth trying to keep myself from going after him with every ounce of my anger. He deserves everything I want to scream at him but I’m not going to do it. Nope, I’m not doing it. By me ignoring him he’ll know that he screwed up. Let him feel that blame, let him feel the way I’ve been feeling for months. I’m not his damn punching bag when life gets too hard.

  I need to get out of here, we need distance.

  I quickly crawl off the bed and put my shoes back on.

  “Chloe,” Jackson calls my name again as he tries turning the door knob. “Chloe let me in. I’m sorry.” Something thumps against the door. “Fuck, I didn’t mean any of that.”

  I shake my head; it’s too late for apologies. Unlocking the door I step back and brace myself.

  Jackson’s frame takes up the doorway. “Chloe…”

  I step back giving him room to come in. My arms cross my chest protecting me from whatever he’s about to say. I won’t believe a word he says, not now.

  “Shit, I didn’t mean it.” He steps forward to try to wrap his arms around me but I take a step further back, shielding my heart from the daggers he may still have to throw.

  Jackson’s mouth opens like he’s going to say something more but he doesn’t.

  Turning my back to him I walk towards the closet and grab an overnight bag from the top shelf. I toss a few shirts in then go over to my dresser for pants, underwear and bras. Jackson hasn’t said a word, I’m not even sure he’s taken a breath at this point. I’ve never not embraced him. It’s my favorite part about Jackson. It’s like he puts a shield around me with his arms and no matter what…I’m his and he’s mine. Nothing and no one could ever take that away from us…until now.