Need to Love You

by Megan Smith

  “Please,” he murmurs.

  My spine tingles and my chest burns. Be strong, Chloe. Do not sweep this under the rug or he’s going to keep doing it. I squeeze my eyes shut for a brief second before walking into the bathroom for a few things. As I grab my toothbrush I look down at my shaking hand. Shit, this hurts. I look at myself in the mirror; eyes sad, mouth frowning, pale skin. I don’t even know who this girl is right now. No, no I do. She’s broken by the one person who promised her the world and instead of delivering it he stole it right out from under her feet.

  I know that all those feelings that he is feeling didn’t just happen. This has been building for weeks, months, probably even years. Today, today it stops here. I can’t and won’t let him tear me down with him.

  My cheeks now splashed with a tingle of red, eyes clearing, jaw set and mouth tight and grim I stalk out of the bathroom. Jackson is sitting on the end of the bed, elbows on his knees, hands clasped in front of him.

  I take a deep breath and let it out. “You’ve said too much that I just can’t erase from my head, broken a part of me that I thought was safe and secure with you in my life, Jackson.” I turn and leave the best thing that’s ever happened to me, the father of my son, my best friend, my other half, my soulmate, sitting there without another glance.

  Stepping out into the hallway my shoulders sag and tears sting my eyes. I can’t break down, not here and not yet. I step into Alex’s room and throw a few things of his into my bag for the next couple of days.

  By the time I’m done I’m even more mad, angry and hurt that Jackson hasn’t tried to stop me from leaving. What does that say about him, us, our marriage?

  When I get back to Elle and Andrews she’s just pulling dinner out of the oven. I try to keep a smile on my face when I walk in. I don’t want them seeing that my marriage is falling apart right before my eyes.

  “Momma,” Alex runs full fledge at me.

  He wraps his arms around my hips and I hold his head to my side. “Did you miss me that much? I was only gone an hour or so.”

  “Are you and Jackson staying for dinner?” Elle yells from the kitchen.

  I cringe knowing I’m going to have to explain that it’s only me. That her son decided to finally tell me how he really feels, that he feels forced to love me, that he never got to do what he wanted to do in life and was constantly worrying about me instead of living the life he obviously always wanted.

  Andrew comes around the corner. “Chloe?”

  I jump, lost in my own thoughts of how to spin this story without making him look like the bad guy or without me seeming like I’m a needy wench.

  “Hey,” I pick Alex up. “It’s just Alex and me for dinner.”

  Andrew’s eyebrows narrow. “Where’s Jackson?”

  Sighing, I lie, “He’s home with a headache.” My eyes shifts towards Alex letting Andrew know that I don’t want to tell him the truth with Alex in listening distance.

  Andrew shakes his head. “What the hell has gotten into that kid?” He walks off muttering under his breath and heads back towards the kitchen.

  Alex and I follow behind him but Elle pins me with a knowing look. She knows whatever happened when I went to go and get him is bad. She always seems to know things before any of her kids tell her. I guess it’s a mother’s trait or she’s just attuned with her family and their emotional well-being.

  “Chloe, Alex, will you help set the table?”

  “Of course,” I say with a painted smile on my face.

  Alex puts the napkins and silverware along the table while I handle the plates and glasses. I can feel Elle’s eyes on me as she and I move around the kitchen. She’s trying to figure me out and I’m putting up a wall deflecting her scrutiny.

  Once the table is set, Elle sets the chicken parmesan on the table and Andrew places the spaghetti beside it.

  “Hmm,” Alex licks his lips.

  I laugh. “You hungry?”

  “Starving!”

  I pick up a piece of the chicken and set it on his plate. “So, you excited to be starting school?” Elle asks.

  “Yes!”

  Andrew chuckles. “That’s good. You know your dad was just as excited as you are.”

  “He was?”

  “Yup, he even stayed up way past his bedtime too because he was so excited.”

  Alex giggles.

  I wink. “Don’t get any ideas, buddy.”

  The rest of the dinner Andrew and Elle tell Alex all about his dad, uncles and aunt starting school and all the fun things they got to do. A pang of longing hits me; I miss my own parents while listening to Elle and Andrew.

  “Chloe,” Mom’s breath tickled my ear. “It’s time for school, my sweet girl.”

  I batted her away. “No!”

  “Come on you’re going to be late and miss the bus.”

  “No!”

  My bed dipped as Mom climbed in beside me. “You have to go to school, Chloe. It’s time to be a big girl.”

  “No!”

  She sighed as she wrapped her arms around me. “You’re going to love it. You’ll make all kinds of new friends and learn so much stuff.”

  “No!”

  We sat in silence for a few minutes. I didn’t want to go to school. I liked staying home with my mom and playing with my toys. I didn’t need new friends because I had all the friends a girl could want right here in her room.

  “Let’s make a deal.”

  My ears perked up.

  “If you go to school I’ll have a surprise waiting for you here when you get back.”

  “What kind of surprise?”

  “So she does say something besides no,” Mom said while tickling me.

  I laughed and tried to get away. “Stop…stop…”

  Mom stopped and smiled at me. “Well, at least that got you out of bed.”

  I frowned.

  “Come on let’s get you dressed and downstairs. Dad is making you breakfast.” Mom grabbed my new purple dress and helped me put it on. Once we were done we went downstairs for breakfast.

  “Well, look who decided to grace us with her presence.”

  I tried not to smile but dad looked silly with his chef hat on.

  “You,” he pointed at me. “Princess Chloe, have a seat at the table, please.”

  I hopped up in a chair at the table. Dad walked over with a pan. “Now this is a special pancake.” He used the spatula to get the pancake out of the pan, “A princess pancake made just for my special princess.”

  The pancake was shaped as a crown. “Wow!”

  Mom laughed and hugged my dad. “That’s a pretty cool breakfast. I bet a lot of other kids don’t get that.”

  I didn’t want to eat. I wanted to keep it forever.

  “Well, eat up, kiddo. The bus will be here soon.”

  “Chloe,” Elle calls my name.

  I shake my head clearing the memory. “I’m sorry, what?”

  She smiles lovingly at me. “Your cell phone is ringing.”

  I stand from the table to retrieve my phone from the other room where I put my purse. It’s a text message from Jackson asking me to come home to talk.

  “You’ve said more than enough today, Jackson.” I whisper as I slide it back in my purse.

  Sitting back down at the table I take a drink of my water avoiding my food. It’s not because I don’t like it; I just can’t even think about food right now.

  “So, who’s up for a sleepover?”

  My eyes shoot up to meet Elle’s. What are you up to, Elle?

  “Me, me, me,” Alex cheers, “Can Ryder come over?”

  “Well, we’ll have to call Aunt MacKenzie and ask, now won’t we?”

  Alex tries to jump down from the table but I place a hand on his arm. “You, my boy, must eat all your food first.”

  “Aw, Mom,” Alex sucks his teeth.

  Elle winks at me. “How about while you eat, Mommy and I will make some phone calls?”

  “Okay,” Alex answers with a
frown.

  Elle tips her head to the side giving me an out from eating dinner. I pick up my plate and dump the rest of the food that I didn’t eat in the trash. After I place the plate in the sink I head back in the other room for my phone.

  “Not so fast, missy.”

  I knew that was too easy.

  “What’s really going on?”

  Like a flash, a wave of panic washes over me. Where am I going to go? I can’t go home. I don’t have parents to turn to. I don’t have any of my own money. I don’t even own the car that I’m driving.

  I have nothing.

  “Chloe, take a deep breath.”

  I try but I can’t get enough oxygen into my lungs.

  “Look at me.”

  My eyes snap to hers and she sees the panic in my eyes.

  “You’re okay. You’re alright. Keep looking at me and try to breathe through it.”

  Stars cloud my eyes as I try to listen.

  “Deep breaths, sweetheart. Deep breaths.”

  My hands are balled into fists and sweat beads along my forehead.

  “In through your nose, out through your mouth…”

  I do as she says, oxygen pouring into my lungs burns like hell.

  “That’s it. In through your nose, out through your mouth…”

  I do it again and this time it doesn’t burn as much.

  “There you go.”

  I bend over and rest my hands on my knees continuing to breathe.

  “Well, whatever is going on just caused you to have a panic attack,” Elle states matter-of-factly.

  “That’s what that was?” I ask, winded.

  “Yup, Jackson used to get them in high school.”

  I feel like I was just kicked in the stomach. “Nice.”

  “That was until you came along.”

  Wait, what? “Until I came along?”

  Elle nods. “You didn’t think it was because of you, did you?”

  I did. “Well, maybe.”

  “Let’s go out onto the porch and have a talk.”

  “I’m not really up for talking.”

  She smiles and nods towards the porch. “Then let’s just go get some fresh air.”

  Now that is something I need.

  Elle sits on the porch swing and pats the seat beside her. Together we swing and I try to calm my racing heart and mind. The panic beings to set in again but I focus on breathing in through my nose and out of my mouth.

  “When did we turn down the wrong road?” I say aloud, mostly to myself.

  “Let’s take a walk down memory lane.” Elle pats my leg giving me the strength that I’m going to need for this journey.

  Jackson

  The door clicks shut as Chloe closes it behind her. Her words ring loud in my head. “You’ve said too much that I just can’t erase, Jackson.”

  “Fuck!” I say, punching the back of the bedroom door.

  I scrub my hands up and down my face. The look in her eyes when she said those words stole my breath away. It’s like someone punched me in the stomach. Guess I deserved that because I’m sure that’s how she felt when I more or less told her she ruined my life.

  “Just give her space,” I say to myself knowing I have to even if I don’t want too. I wanted her to stay here and fight with me, for me. Why would she though? I crushed her. I said everything I’ve always promised her she’d never be. Deep down inside I know I didn’t mean what I said. Something is fucking with my head and I’m lashing out at her of all people. I’m so fucking stupid.

  The gaping hole in the door is mimicking me. It’s just another damn thing to add to the neverending list of shit that needs to be fixed around here. Like I really have the time and money to spend on fixing it. “So stupid,” I chide myself.

  I flex my hand out in front of me feeling the tightness of the swelling settling in. I take a deep breath and let it out trying to calm myself down. The words are out there now and there is no taking them back. It’s sad to say, but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders even if I still feel like a caged animal.

  Grabbing a towel off the bed I head to the shower. I turn it as hot as it will go, waiting for it to heat up, waiting for it to take away the haze of the past 24 hours, hell, the past few weeks. I rub my temples as a headache settles in deep. I never should have gone out last night; it seemed like a good thing to do then. The fight with Chloe and the hangover are almost unbearable right now. My head hurts so damn bad it makes my eyeballs hurt.

  I climb into the shower pulling the curtain shut. “Shit,” I mutter as the water pours over my head. I lean a hand against the wall as I wait for some of the tension to leave my body.

  I still have no idea where the fuck my truck is for sure. I think it’s at Oceans but I honestly can’t remember. At this rate it could be sitting on cinder blocks at some chop shop or it could be at some impound lot.

  Realizing this I quickly finish my shower, dry off, and search for my phone. I pull up Google and find the number for Oceans. It’s the last place I remember driving to.

  The phone rings a few times before someone picks up. “Oceans, Manny speaking.”

  “Manny,” I clear my throat. Another glimpse from last night has me remembering he was one of the bartenders who was serving me when I first got there. We were bullshitting about what gyms we go to, the stats on my brother’s professional baseball, our lives and other shit. “It’s…uh…Jackson Cahill. I was in there last night—”

  Manny cuts me off, “Yeah, yeah, Mason and Cooper’s brother. I remember.”

  Does anyone know me for who am I? Christ. “Yeah, anyway, look I need a favor. I was wondering if you could check out in the parking lot to see if my truck is there for me.”

  He starts laughing. Asshole. “Sure, hang on I’ll go check for you. What does it look like?”

  “Black Ford Raptor,” I snap even though he’s being nice enough to help me. I wonder how many phone calls they receive like this one.

  “Alright, hang on.”

  He puts the phone down; I can hear people and music in the background. I sit down on the bed still wrapped in a towel with water dripping down from my wet hair. Still no more memories from last night are coming to light.

  There is a little rustling coming from the other side of the phone. “Jackson, it’s here.”

  I blow out a sigh of relief. “Thanks man! I’ll be by soon to pick it up.”

  “Okay, see you later, man.”

  Thank fuck it’s there. I’d never live it down if it wasn’t. I climb up off the bed to root through my drawers looking for something to wear while dialing Mason to see if he can take me to go get it.

  “Jackson?”

  “Mase, you busy?”

  I slide my boxer briefs on.

  “Just playing with the kids, what’s up?”

  Guilt crashes over me for even thinking about asking him to take me. He hardly gets time with his kids now and because I’m an asshole I’m taking some of that time away. No way can I ask him to help me with this. It’s not right.

  “You know what, no never mind.” I hung up before he can even say anything. I know he’d try and I’d only feel more guilty about it.

  I can’t call Cooper because he’s still at the hospital with Jaylinn. Speaking of which, I should probably show my face there soon. I guess I’ll give Hunter a try.

  I dial his number and put it on speaker phone.

  “Yo, Jackson, what’s up, man?”

  “Hey, you busy?”

  “Nah, not really.”

  “Do you think you can pick me up to go get my truck?”

  Hunter chuckles. “What are you having done to it now? Chloe’s going to kick your ass.”

  “I, uh...” I scratch at my chin. “I’m not having anything done to it actually. I went out last night, had a little too much to drink, and left my car at Oceans.”

  “Oh man.”

  “Yeah, think you can take me? If not, it’s no big deal.”

  “Sure
, I’ll be there in about twenty minutes. Is that alright?”

  “Yeah, thanks.”

  “No problem.”

  After hanging up I finish getting ready, head downstairs to grab more pain reliever and see if I can grab something quick to eat before Hunter arrives.

  “Thanks for picking me up,” I say climbing into Hunter’s truck after he beeped the horn letting me know he was here.

  “You’re welcome,” he snickers.

  “What?”

  “You’re in the dog house, dude.”

  I sigh shaking my head. “Yeah, tell me about it.”

  “What’s going on with you?”

  I can’t stand myself let alone anything else. “I don’t know. Life, I guess.”

  Hunter nods his head. “It can be a bitch.”

  We’re quiet for a few minutes before Hunter speaks again. “CC’s at your mom’s with the kids. They’re having a sleep over.”

  “Great,” I mutter under my breath knowing I’m going to get a call from my sister telling me how much of an asshole I am. It’s only a matter of time.

  “I’d turn your phone off if I was you.”

  I was already digging into my pocket to turn it off before he said that. “Yeah, already taking care of that.”

  The rest of the time we ride in silence with the radio playing softly in the background. Hunter’s relationship with my sister is like some fairytale shit. They hardly ever fight, he looks at her like the sun rises and sets, they’ve got their shit together and it kind of makes me jealous. If all the relationships in America were like theirs the divorce rate would be a fraction of what it is today.

  Finally, the white and black sign for Oceans comes into view. Hunter pulls into the parking lot and up beside my truck. Hunter puts the truck in park. “You want to go in and get a drink?”

  I shake my head. “Nah, I better not.” I don’t think I could stomach the smell let alone the taste of alcohol right now.

  He shrugs his shoulder. “If you say so.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “What are you going to do at home? Sit there? From what I overheard from CC and your mom talking seems like you’re in the dog house.”