Need to Love You

by Megan Smith

  We all get back to work, the last few hours pass by and then it’s finally time to go home for the night. With each passing day I am finding myself smiling when I leave for the day. I finally don’t feel guilty if I’m not worrying over Alex and Jackson a hundred times a day making sure they have something to eat or if Jackson needs his work clothes washed or whatever it may be. I’m allowed to worry about me and be okay with it. When I’m at Elle and Andrew’s, it’s a bit of a different story but I’m actually happier than I have been in a long time, that is until my mind wanders to Jackson late at night. Every night.

  Tuesday night, just after dinner, Elle and I are sitting at the table drinking our coffee. “I can’t wait to see the kids dressed up this Halloween. Jaylinn and Cooper are even dressing Brooklyn up.”

  I stop mid-sip, eyes wide. “Crap.”

  “Uh-oh,” Elle sets her cup down on the table.

  “I’ve been so busy at work I completely forgot to get Alex his costume.” I pick my phone up off the table to check the time. “I’m going to run out real quick to see if I can find one.” I shake my head. “What is wrong with me? I don’t even know what he wants to be.”

  Elle gives a gentle smile. “You’re a busy working mom now, Chloe. Nothing is wrong with you; it just slipped your mind.”

  “I never forget things like this.”

  “At least you didn’t remember Halloween morning.” She shrugs. “It happens to the best of us.”

  I slip into my jacket that was hanging on the back of my chair. “Alright, I’m going to run out.”

  I go into the living room where Alex is playing with his Legos. “Alex,” he looks up. “You want to run out with me to get your Halloween costume?”

  “Yeah.”

  I thought he’d be a little more excited about it but instead I’m met with a sad face.

  “Grab your shoes there and come over here so I can put them on.”

  With sagging shoulders he picks up his shoes and brings them over to me. I pick him up under the arms and set him next to me on the couch.

  “What’s the matter?” I ask while unknotting his shoelaces.

  “I miss dad.”

  If my heart wasn’t already broken it definitely is now. Jackson and I aren’t only hurting ourselves but Alex too. We promised each other that Alex would always have both of his parents in his life. I’ve been so wrapped up in everything else that I haven’t been paying much attention to how Alex is dealing with things.

  The time has come that Jackson and I sit down and talk about things. We have to at least try to work things out for Alex’s sake.

  Picking him up, I set him on my lap and wrap my arms around him. “I’m sorry, bud.” Alex’s little arms wrap around his tiny frame and I hold on to him a little tighter. “Do you want me to call your dad so you can talk to him?”

  “Yes.”

  I dial Jackson’s number and hand the phone over to Alex while I put his shoes on. While they talk I walk Alex out to the car and get him buckled into his booster seat. I pull out of the driveway heading toward the nearest Halloween store all the while listening to Alex talking to his dad. I glance in the rearview mirror, his frown now replaced with a smile.

  “Okay, love you too.” Alex holds out the phone to me. “Dad wants to talk to you.”

  I take a deep breath then bring the phone up to my ear. “Hello.”

  “Hey,” Jackson says. “You could have called and I would have gone out to get his costume. I know you’ve been busy at the new job and you’re probably tired.”

  Sighing, “It’s alright, we’re already out now.” Although I wish I would have asked him to take care of it. It would be one less thing for me to worry about.

  “So what is going on for Halloween? Are we all meeting at mom’s house?”

  “Yeah, and then we’re going to walk around the neighborhood. Are you coming?”

  “Yeah, I’ll be there.”

  Neither one of us says anything for a minute. It’s an awkward silence. “Alright, I’ll let you go.”

  “Okay.”

  I toss my phone on the passenger seat and turn up the music. He sounded so rejected just now. I feel guilty for not keeping him more informed on what’s going on with Alex but I just don’t have the time. I’m on the move morning, noon and night now. By the time I get Alex to bed and get two seconds to myself I’m too exhausted to even keep my eyes open.

  This single parent thing is hard work. At least if Jackson was around I’d have some help with Alex at night.

  I’m in the break room when Valerie, Donna, and Paula come walking in. I smile at them then continue to make my coffee. They are talking amongst themselves about going out tonight. God, it must be nice to have a free night out to let loose a little bit.

  “Excuse me,” I say as I squeeze past Paula to return the creamer to the fridge.

  “So what time should we meet?” Valerie asks the girls.

  “Let’s do happy hour so I can at least get home and sleep for a little bit this time. You damn near killed me last week,” Donna says.

  “But you were having a great time.”

  “I was.”

  The three of them start laughing. I grab my coffee off the counter and turn to leave.

  “Hey, Chloe,” Valerie stops me in my tracks with the mischief in her eyes. “Do you have any plans tonight?”

  I stop and turn around; three pairs of eyes are trained on me. I swallow hard before answering. “Just taking care of Alex.”

  “Why don’t you come out with us?” Paula asks.

  I look to each of them; they all look a little hopeful that I’ll come. “Where are you going?”

  “There is a little place down the road from here that we go to. It’ll be fun. You should come with us.”

  I shrug. “Sure, let me see if I can have someone watch Alex for me.”

  Donna starts laughing. “Have Renee do it, she is going to need the practice.”

  Paula shakes her head. “You’re just jealous you aren’t knocked up.”

  Knocked up…I should have been knocked up by this time too. It makes me sad to think about it, but then again, look where I would be. Knocked up living at my husband’s parents’ house because the resentment he feels towards me finally reared its ugly head.

  Glancing up I see that Valerie has her eyes pinned on me. I attempt to smile and look away.

  “You’re coming out with us,” she states matter-of-factly.

  I turn to look back at her. “Yeah, I’m going to try.”

  “No, you are. If you can’t find a babysitter you can have mine and I’ll make my ex-husband watch his kids for once.”

  My eyes widen with her directness. I’ve always felt just a little threatened by Valerie since I started and now I’m even a little bit more. I’ve never met someone like her, someone who doesn’t take no for an answer.

  “I’m sure I can find someone.”

  “Okay, if you can’t let me know.” Then she leaves the kitchen and I feel like I can breathe again.

  Both Paula and Donna start giggling.

  “What?”

  Donna smiles, “You’re going to fit in just fine around here.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  Paula pipes up. “She’s a little hard to get along with if you haven’t noticed. If she doesn’t like you right off the bat there is no changing her mind.” She glances to Donna then back to me. “Just take poor Jessie, for instance; she’s hated her from the second she walked in the door. Why don’t you think she sits in the office with us?”

  Come to think of it I’ve never seen them talking and I was wondering why she was up in the front office by herself. I guess that explains it.

  “Well, that’s good to know,” I laugh, nervously.

  “Just don’t cancel tonight.” Donna winks and walks away.

  “Don’t worry about her.” Paula waves a hand. “Her bark is bigger than her bite.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Really, she’s
been a great friend to me for years. If you ever need something Valerie wouldn’t hesitate to give it you. That’s just the type of person she is.” Paula rubs her hand up and down my upper arm as she moves around me to get to the doorway.

  Any other time and I probably would have declined the offer to go out because I’d rather be home with Jackson and Alex, but maybe this is something I need. Something that is outside of me being a wife and mom. One more Lego block added to building the foundation for me.

  I thought occurs to me, Jackson takes Alex tonight. I don’t even need to worry about anyone watching him. I guess I’m going out tonight.

  When I get back to my desk I shoot Jackson a quick text just to make sure that he is taking him tonight.

  Me 10:36am: You’re picking Alex up from daycare today, right?

  Jackson 10:37am: Yeah and then we’re going to the batting cages and getting pizza. Want to come with us?

  Me 10:38am: No thanks

  I decide not to tell him why because I want this decision to go out and let my hair down tonight be mine. It’s something I wouldn’t do if Jackson and I weren’t fighting. I would have rather been home with them.

  Later that afternoon Valerie calls my name. I spin around in my chair and lean back to look at her. “What’s up?”

  “You find someone to watch your son?”

  “Yeah, my husband is doing it.”

  She smiles. “Good.”

  Renee turns in her chair eyebrows furrowed as she sends me a questioning glance. “I’m going out with the girls after work.”

  She smiles so big, “Good for you.”

  “Why don’t you come with us? You don’t have to drink of course but just to hang out.”

  Renee rubs her belly. “I used to go but now by the time I’m done here I’m so exhausted I can’t keep my eyes open.”

  “Aww…I remember that feeling.”

  She yawns, “See what I mean?”

  I laugh and get back to work so that I get everything finished before five.

  “Alright,” Paula says, “Let’s go.”

  I finish up the email I was working on then pull my headset off and plug it into the charger.

  “Have fun, girls,” Renee says and she waddles around the office grabbing her things.

  After a few minutes of everyone getting their things together we all head out. The walk to the little pub is short and we’re there in minutes.

  “Should we get a booth or set at the bar?” Valerie asks.

  “Bar is good with me,” Paula says.

  Both Donna and I agree too. We place orders for drinks as soon as we sit down. I don’t drink too often so I know I have to go easy and pace myself. I’m not getting drunk because I still have to get home and back up for work the next day.

  “So,” Donna starts, “We don’t know a whole lot about you so tell us a little something.”

  “Well, I’m married to my high school sweetheart.”

  “High school sweetheart?” Valerie asks confirming she heard me correctly.

  “Yeah, we met freshman year but didn’t start dating till our junior year.”

  “Is he the only guy you’ve ever slept with?” Paula asks with wide eyes.

  I nod and my cheeks blush.

  She shakes her head. “You poor thing.”

  Donna bumps her shoulder into Paula. “It’s sweet. Leave her alone.” Donna looks to me. “Go ahead finish what you were saying.”

  “Anyway, we had our son right out of high school. I was a stay-at-home mom until I got this job. Um…I have great in-laws with lot of nieces and nephews. Hmm…I guess that’s about it.”

  “No sisters or brothers?” Donna asks.

  I shake my head. “Only child.”

  Valerie rolls her eyes. “I bet you were spoiled as a child.”

  “Oh no, my parents were very strict about everything. I was always expecting to have a book under my nose. There was no time for playing no matter what age I was.”

  My mind flashes back to the day my adult life started and my parents disowned me.

  About a month or so before school ended I realized I was pregnant. I was scared to tell anyone, most of all my parents. I had plans to go away for college and make something of myself, Jackson included. Neither one of us were ready for a baby. My dreams changed in an instant. After the shock wore off I told Jackson. I wasn’t expecting anything; I was fully prepared to be a single parent. Jackson wouldn’t hear of it. The next day he went out looking for a job and promised to take care of me and the baby. I was a little shocked at first because I really didn’t see Jackson being tied down with a baby, but I should have known better. Jackson was a product of his parents. They raised their kids right and he stuck by my side.

  Then I had to tell my parents because sooner or later they were going to figure it out. Jackson wanted to do it with me to show them that he was taking responsibilty but I wouldn’t allow him to. I had to do it on my own. I knew it wasn’t going to go well but I wasn’t expecting what happened.

  Mom and Dad sat on the couch across from me. Mom looked perfect as always and Dad looked like I was bothering him. Basically another normal evening in our home.

  “What do you need, Chloe?” Dad asked getting impatient.

  “I need to tell you something.” I was wringing my hands nervously.

  “What is it?” he snapped.

  Mom placed one of her hands on his arm. “Chloe, tell us what it is.”

  I took a deep breath and let it out. “I’m pregnant.”

  Mom gasped, Dad’s eyes turned murderous.

  “You’re what?” Dad yelled.

  I repeated myself. “I’m pregnant.”

  “I heard you the first time! How the hell did this happen? We don’t allow you any free time to even permit you to have a boyfriend. You’re going away to Florida State University at the end of the summer. What are you going to do with a child when you’re only a child yourself?”

  He was right. I had no idea what I was going to do.

  “Let me guess…This boy, whatever his name is, the one I caught you sneaking around with once before. Is that who got you pregnant?”

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  “And what does he plan on doing? Help you raise it?” I cringed when he used the word it.

  “Yes.”

  He paced back and forth. Mom still had yet to say anything.

  “You need to terminate the pregnancy first thing tomorrow morning,” Dad stated.

  I looked up at him with wide eyes. “No.”

  “What did you say?”

  “No.”

  “No daughter of mine is going to be pregnant at such a young age. If that baby is not terminated by tomorrow evening then you are to get out of my house and never step foot back in it.” He stomped away and slammed the study door shut.

  Mom finally looked up at me. “Do what your father said. You can’t raise this baby by yourself.”

  She was my last hope. “Jackson and I will raise the baby. He’s getting a job. We’ll save all our money and figure it out.”

  She stood. “If you think that will actually happen, you are sadly mistaken.” Mom turned and walked out of the room.

  I went up to my room, packed as much as I could in the two bags that I had in my room then called Jackson. He picked me up ten minutes later, I told him what happened and then we drove back to his parents’ house where we stayed until we got our own apartment.

  “That’s some sad shit.”

  “Yeah.” It was. They hardly ever had time for me and when they did it was always to talk about the future. My future. I had to have goals in life and it was their mission to make them bigger and better.

  “Shots!” Donna yells suddenly. I’m thankful for the distraction. I didn’t want to go down that road.

  For the next few hours I got to learn a little about each girl. We exchanged funny stories and some of what makes each person tick by ribbing on them about it. We were having a great time until Valerie got a
call from her babysitter telling her that her youngest was throwing up all over the place.

  “I’m sorry, I’ve got to go, ladies,” she says as she reaches into her wallet and pulls out some money. “We’ll have to do it again next Thursday.”

  “We understand.”

  Valerie gives us all a little one-arm hug. When she reaches me she whispers, “I’m glad you came out with us tonight.”

  I smile and when she pulls back I tell her, “Thanks for inviting me. It means more than you know.”

  “I think I have a clue.” She winks then says goodbye one more time before leaving.

  Donna, Paula, and I order another drink and continue chatting for a little while longer before we decide to call it a night.

  “Thanks for inviting me,” I say to the both of them as we are walking back to the office building.

  “It was fun. You’ll have to come again next week.”

  “Sure, I’ll see if I can.”

  Paula smiles, “We try to do it every week but most times it happens like once or twice a month. It’s nice to get out and unwind a little bit.”

  “Yeah, it really is.”

  “Alright,” Donna’s alarm beeps when she unlocks her car door. “I’ll see you ladies in the morning.”

  “Goodnight.”

  I climb into my own car and head home for the night thinking it really was nice to get out for a while and interact with other people. I don’t always have to surround myself with Jackson and Alex. I’m allowed to have friends. I’m a mom and a wife, not dead.

  Jackson

  Wednesday morning I wake up with a start. With my heart pounding I glance over to the alarm clock I see that I’m a half-hour late for work.

  “Shit,” I jump out of bed and start grabbing clothes. I’m hopping around the bedroom putting one leg in my pants, then right into my boot as I trying calling the shop at the same time.

  “Steve’s Car Care Center, Rebecca speaking, how can I help you?”

  “Bec,” I curse when I trip and fall back against the bed. “Sorry, it’s Jackson. I just woke, can you let Bruce know I’ll be a little late.”

  “Sure, Jackson.”