Need to Love You

by Megan Smith

  No one answers, that’s because the fucking sound is blasting. I walk back to my room, slip a shirt and shorts on before turning the light off and going downstairs to see who is here. It’s probably Cooper or Mason since they have a habit of just letting themselves into my house and making themselves at home.

  To my surprise it’s actually my sister sitting on the couch with a slice of my pizza mid-way to her mouth. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  “Well, hello to you too, big brother.”

  “Last time I checked you weren’t speaking to me.”

  She takes a bite, places it on her plate and then wipes her face. “Yeah, about that.”

  I move into the kitchen to grab the pizza box, plates, napkins and cups. I set it all on the coffee table, flip the lid of the pizza box and grab two slices. “So…”

  “So.”

  I shoot MacKenzie a look. “What are you doing here?”

  “I came to hang out.”

  I roll my eyes. “You don’t ever just come over to hang out.”

  She looks towards the television. “I’m sorry.”

  I swallow that last bite of pizza a little too fast and I start choking. “You’re what?”

  MacKenzie rolls her eyes. “I said I was sorry. I shouldn’t get in the middle of whatever is going on between you and Chloe.”

  “Mom sent you here.”

  She shakes her head. “Nope, this was all me.”

  “You’re turning into her.” Not only is my sister looking more and more like my mom with every year that passes, she also acts out before thinking things through sometimes when she’s all worked up.

  She laughs. “Mason said the same thing not too long ago.”

  “It’s not a bad thing.”

  She stops laughing and glances at me for a second. “It is sometimes. No one ever wants to sound or act like their mothers.”

  It seems like it’s a touchy subject and one I’m going to take a huge step back from. I don’t want any parts of that. After devouring both slices of pizza in a couple of bites I grab another. MacKenzie holds her plate out for another too. Together we sit and watch The First 48. It’s different sitting here alone with my sister; we never really get time to ourselves like this. I’ve forgiven her for always being so quick to blame me; she knows this without me having to tell her. I’ve never been great with expressing myself and she gets that.

  When the show is over she reaches for the remote and turns it off. “I know I’m your younger sister but just know I’m hear if you want to talk, Jackson. I can tell by the look on your face, the same one on Chloe’s, that you’re both hurting.”

  It’s not often that MacKenzie reaches out to me like this. Come to think of it, I don’t think she ever has.

  “What all do you know?”

  “Not much.”

  I reach for my cup of soda and take a sip. “Short story… I fucked up. We hadn’t been getting along as I’m sure you’ve noticed. I was being a dick, said some shitty stuff to Chloe, went out drinking, didn’t come home that night, and to add icing to the cake, I found some girl’s purse in my truck. Oh and then the girl called and Chloe answered.”

  When I glance to MacKenzie her eyes are wide and her mouth is hanging open. “You sure did screw up.”

  “Yeah, I’ve said that a time or two.”

  “Back up a second…how did a purse get in the back of your truck?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know, honestly, I only remember bits and pieces of that night.”

  “Shit.”

  “Said that too.”

  “How did the girl get your number?”

  “After I found the purse I went through it looking for some kind of I.D. or a phone number, some way for me to get it back to her. I called the last number on her phone which happened to be her sister. She called back after I forgot my phone at home when I went to go get Alex from school.”

  “Alex’s first day of school, the day she called me to come and get Alex.”

  “That would be the day.”

  “You really don’t remember anything else about that night?” MacKenzie’s eyes widen. “Jackson, you didn’t mess around with this girl, did you?”

  “No, I’m pretty sure I’d remember something like that.” I lean back on the couch and stretch my legs out in front of me. My back is killing me from being hunched over the car all day. “I was just pissed off and blowing off some steam so I went to the bar. I’d never cheat on Chloe.” At least I hope to God that I didn’t because then my marriage would be officially over.

  “Do you think someone drugged you?”

  “No, just had way too much to drink. I got there right around dinner and didn’t leave till closing.”

  MacKenzie’s eyes soften. “Shit, this is bad.”

  “I know.”

  MacKenzie stares at the coffee table biting on her lower lip. “Why didn’t you just tell her about the stupid purse? Hell, you probably could have gotten away with telling her you found it out in the parking lot and you were doing what most people would do by wanting to try and return it to her.”

  I sigh loudly. “I don’t know.” Now that she’s put it like that, this whole situation really did get blown out of proportion. And, to make matters worse, it happened during a rocky part of our marriage.

  She leans over and rests her head on my shoulder. “You’ve got more drama than daytime television.”

  She’s not lying. “Tell me about it.”

  “What happened after I left with Alex that day?”

  “I tried acting stupid, like I didn’t know what she was talking about at first. Then I told Chloe basically everything I just told you. She said she didn’t believe me, she left and went back to mom and dad’s house.”

  MacKenzie is quiet for another few moments. “I don’t know if I could believe Hunter if I was in Chloe’s shoes. Never mind,” MacKenzie pinches the bridge of her nose. “I think I would give him the benefit of the doubt but he’d be in the dog house for sure.”

  “And I’m sure Hunter would never tell you that he feels like you’ve held him back in life either.”

  She sits up, mouth open in disbelief. “You didn’t.”

  I don’t answer.

  “Jackson, you really are an asshole! You really said that to her?” MacKenzie shakes her head. “And then she gets the phone call from a girl saying you have her purse.”

  “Pretty fucked up, huh?”

  “More than fucked up,”

  “I never should have said that shit to her.” I scratch my chin. “I know she didn’t get pregnant on purpose right out of high school but that’s basically what I accused her of, holding me back from going to college and just growing up, in general. I know we both had to grow up fast and forget about our future plans when we found out about Alex,” I curse. “Things have just been eating at me lately. It’s not her fault but yet I used her as a punching bag. I know she wanted another baby so damn bad but it just hasn’t happened for us. Then we started fighting about that. I felt like it was turning into a job rather than the fun it should have been while we were trying. Baby was on her mind morning, noon, and night. So the day she picked me up from Cooper’s, I was hung over like a son of a bitch and she was grating my nerves. So I exploded.”

  That familiar tingling set back in chest; my breaths are coming in shallower and shallower. Don’t do this in front of MacKenzie I tell myself. Count to ten.

  “Damn and from the outside it looked like you guys had your shit together.”

  While I count in my head MacKenzie looks off into the distance oblivious to me coming apart like a little bitch because I can’t handle my life.

  “You know what I miss?” She asks when I get to number seven.

  Keeping my breathing as even as possible I ask, “What’s that?”

  “When you used to rub my back when I was a little girl,” she looks at me and smiles. “I used to sneak into your room when I was sick, scared or even just when Cooper or Mason was picking on
me. You would always act like I was bothering you but you never turned me away. Instead, those late nights you would pull back your covers and let me lie with you while you rubbed my back putting me back to sleep.”

  Giving my sister a sideways glance I say, “You were never supposed to tell anyone about that.”

  MacKenzie giggles. “You’re secret is still safe with me.” She’s quiet for a few minutes. My panic attack has passed thankful for her distraction of a silly memory from our childhood. Shit was so damn easy back then. “I don’t know what is running in that head of yours but…I know that giving up on your family isn’t something you’ll do.”

  “It’s not but what choice do I really have? I fucked up, I’ve been trying to talk to Chloe but she hasn’t wanted to hear any of it.”

  “She seems to like this new job she got.”

  “The job I still don’t know really anything about?” I huff. “I’m glad she likes it, I know she’s wanted one for a little while now but she was on the fence because she was hoping she’d be pregnant by now.”

  “I think you guys really just need to talk, Jackson.” I was about to interrupt her and remind her that I’ve been trying but she holds up a hand. “Don’t give her the option of not talking to you. Force her to do it.” MacKenzie smiles as the wheels in her head turn. “I’ve heard a little of the story from Chloe and I know how she feels about it. I also know your story and your feelings about it as well. You guys just need to work through this. It might not seem possible right now because feelings have been hurt, a trust has been broken, but Jackson I’m telling you this can be fixed if it’s what you both want.”

  “It’s what I want.”

  “Then fight for her, remind her how much you love her. Stop worrying about the little things in life.” Her eyes tear up. “You never know how much time you have in the world.”

  My heart aches at the thought of Layla. Eli and Layla never got their chance in life. They never got to get married, have kids and grow old together. I don’t know how he gets through life without her because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to.

  MacKenzie reaches up and wipes under her eyes. Her phone on the table beeps; she picks it up and reads a text. She stands. “I’ve got to go. Hunter said that Liv is running a fever.” She grabs her keys off the coffee table. “If you guys can’t work things out in the long run I’ll still be your annoying little sister.” She smiles at me. “Maybe it’ll be my turn to rub your back but I don’t think it’ll come to that.”

  She’s left me speechless. I think my sister has got a pretty good handle on life, just like our mom. She knows the right things to say at the perfect times. I’m proud to call her my sister.

  “Kenz,” with her hand on the door she turns her head. “Thank you.”

  She grins. “You never have to thank me, Jackson.” Then she’s out the door leaving me all alone in my empty house.

  I leave the television off and soak in the quiet. The what ifs of just leaving everything behind and starting over in a new state, with a new job and a new outlook flash through my mind. It would be so easy to just walk away and be done with everything, but that’s not how I handle things. I made a lifelong commitment to my wife and son to be a husband and a father and that’s what I’m going to fight for.

  Chloe

  “Good morning, Emma. This is Chloe with the Law Offices of Taylor, Lee, Harris & Miller. I’m calling to confirm your appointment for Thursday at two.”

  “Yes, I’ll be there as long as my ride doesn’t cancel on me.” When she sneezes into the phone I pull it away from my ear. That just sounds gross. “I can’t drive with this leg because the doctor is too stupid to fix it the right way.”

  Some of these clients love to complain about everything. All I want to do is confirm their appointments and move on to the next. I waste about five minutes on each call most days because they want to tell me things that I don’t need to know about.

  “Okay, well, if something comes up please give the office a call so that we can reschedule you.”

  She sneezes again, then she sniffs. “Yeah, yeah,” She sounds like she’s about eighty years old with a nasty head cold.

  “We’ll see you then.” I hang up before she sneezes in my ear again.

  I take off my headset and set it on my desk. I roll my neck trying to work the kink out of it. In the distance I can hear Ben Harris yelling at someone. I glance down at my phone to see the phone light is lit on his line. He’s probably fighting with another insurance company.

  I jot a note on Emma’s file that she has confirmed for Thursday before tossing it in the pile with the others. I smile when I see she’s meeting with none other than Ben. I snicker, that’s going to be a nightmare of a meeting. A few things I’ve learned about Ben in the short time I’ve been here is that he’s a no-nonsense guy. He doesn’t do bullshit, he hates when things aren’t done correctly and he’s a complete germophobe. Emma and Ben are going to get along just great during that appointment.

  One afternoon on the first week I started with the Law Offices, Renee asked me to join her and Ben for lunch. We walked down the street from the office to a little deli on the corner. After we ordered our sandwiches we sat down in a booth by the windows. Renee slid in first, Ben sat next to her and I sat across from them. I opened my bottle of water and took a drink. Renee was digging around for something in her purse but it looked like she couldn’t find it.

  “I can’t find it,” she grumbled. “You just washed your hands before we left,” she set her purse on the side of her. “You’ll be fine.”

  “You know I can’t eat after touching those disgusting door handles and touching money.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Millions of Americans do it every day and survive. You’ll be fine this one time.”

  Ben’s face turned red. “I’ll be back.”

  He got up, walked towards the back of the deli and down a hallway where a sign said bathroom with an arrow pointing in the direction he walked.

  “That man can drive me mad sometimes,” Renee complained. “He’s such a germophobe. He can’t stand the thought of germs on anything or he freaks the hell out.” She rubbed her belly. “I can see it now; he’s going to have this little girl wrapped up in a bubble so nothing can touch her.”

  I think back to how I was when I first had Alex. I was so afraid he’d get sick from everyone holding him all the time. The worst was when we’d go out to the store and some stranger would try touching his hand. After that first time when Jackson went off on some lady I always kept a blanket tucked around his body and put the shade of his car seat up so no one could see him and get the urge to touch him.

  “Just prepare yourself.” I tossed a chip in my mouth.

  Ben came back to the table with a paper towel in his hand. I started laughing which then caused Renee to start laughing too. Ben glared at the both of us; he didn’t find it funny at all.

  “Aww, honey,” Renee cooed and rested her head on his shoulder.

  Renee is leaving on maternity leave this Friday which also happens to be Halloween. I’m really going to miss her. She keeps the office lively, well, with the help of Ethan too.

  “Chloe,” Valerie, the paralegal, calls. “Can you call this client and set up a time for him to come into the office to meet with Ethan? He said to get him in sometime next week.”

  I walk around the cubicle to Valerie’s desk to grab the file. “Yeah, sure,” Valerie will be taking on most of Renee’s work when she goes out on leave. She’s nice but a little closed off. I haven’t been able to get a read off of her just yet. When I first came in for my interview, Valerie was the one who stood out in the room full of women. Her exotic looks with tan skin, long black hair, full lips and her midnight colored eyes were so striking compared to most.

  “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  For the next hour I continue scheduling and confirming appointments. When I’m finished I exchange my headset for my headphones and turn on
some music while I go through the mail. I’m making piles for things that need to be filed, need to go to the different attorneys, bills, checks, and junk mail.

  A song with a good beat comes on and I bob my head to it when someone taps me on the shoulder. I pull the earbud from my ear and glance back behind me.

  Ethan holds up a cap from a Snapple bottle with big smile on his face.

  He’s easy on the eyes. His sandy colored hair is kept short on the sides and longer on the top, always has a five o’clock shadow, and a stellar smile. His eyes have a flicker of curiosity about them. You never really know where a conversation is going to go with him. He’s athletic, riding his bike into work whenever the weather allows it. The first time I saw him ride his bike down the hall I had to do a double take. Renee waved a hand dismissively like it was no big deal. He’s also always so full of energy and loves to get under Ben’s skin. It’s quite comical sometimes listening to Ethan talk circles around Ben. It normally ends with Ben throwing his hands up in the air and walking away.

  Turning the cap in his hand Ethan reads it out loud to me. “Did you know that the human jaw can generate a force of up to two hundred pounds?”

  “I had no idea,” I respond like I’m so interested in his useless facts he tells me every day. The first time he did it I thought it was a bit strange, but Donna, the other legal secretary, just told me to go along with it. So that’s what I’ve been doing.

  “That can really do some damage,” Renee pipes in.

  Spinning in my chair I turn to face her. She winks at me.

  Valerie grumbles something under her breath. Donna must have heard what she said because she snorts. My face turns this crimson shade of red, knowing what she’s referring to. I’m forced to spin my chair back around to Ethan and pray he isn’t smiling the Cheshire cat or something.

  “Until later, ladies.” He does a silly little bow and turns to leave. Thank God my embarassment was short lived.