Megalodon Lives

by Flash Rex

  "So how am I gonna get back?"

  "There's a phone down the street there," said Burns.

  "I have no pants!"

  "I wish I could help you, Bolding. But I've got a mile walk to my boat and I better start walking. I don't feel like answering any questions about this whole thing."

  "Where are you going to go?" I asked.

  "I don't know yet."

  "I assume I'm no longer employed by you," I said.

  "That would be a correct assumption," said Burns.

  "I don't suppose I could use you as a reference on my resume."

  "I'll mail you a nice severance check. I'll take care of you. Don't worry about that. You're a sharp guy and I'm glad I got to know you. If it weren’t for you, I never would have had a week like this. It was fun. Maybe we can do it again some time."

  "Yeah, right. I've gotta go, Mr. Burns. Thanks for the opportunity." We shook hands and I ran pantless to find a phone. A jogger and a person walking her dog saw me but they must have mistaken my boxers for shorts because they didn't give me a second look. I didn't care anyway, as long as I wasn't arrested. I finally got to the phone and I called my parent's house collect. My little brother answered and pretended he wasn't sure whether to accept the charges or not.

  "I don't have time to explain. You've got to come pick me up in Riverside!" I yelled.

  "Riverside?"

  "Yes! By the Hudson River. You go by the college and then..."

  "Where they used to have the fireworks?"

  "Yes! Come pick me up! I have to get to the church by 8:00! Oh, and I need a pair of pants!"

  "Pants?"

  "Yes! Pants!"

  "What the hell do you need pants for?"

  "Just bring them! And hurry!"

  It seemed like an eternity before I saw the car. I ran out in front of the car with no pants on and of course it was not my brother. "Get out off the road, you freak!" Yelled the driver after he screeched to a stop and leaned on his horn for a few seconds.

  I didn't respond. How could I? I just ran into the shadows. The next car I thought was my brother's I let pass so I could look at the Providence College stickers on the back. After verifying it was indeed my brother, I again dashed out to stop him.

  "What the hell happened to you?" He asked.

  "It's a long story. Just get me to the church by 8:00."

  "That's a pretty tall order," he said.

  "I'll make it worth your while," I said. "Did you bring the pants?"

  "Yeah, they're on the back seat."

  "What the hell pants are these?"

  "They're the only ones I could find."

  "Where'd you look?"

  "In Dad's dresser."

  "They're bellbottoms for God's sake! The people at the church are going to think I'm a lunatic!"

  "I'm sorry. You told me to get pants, I got pants. You're too fat for my stuff and you don't keep anything at our house."

  "I'm glad I didn't ask you for shoes." I put the pants on. "Couldn't you find Dad's matching vest? And what color are these anyway?"

  "You don't want to know."

  I was terrified as my brother drove. It was like a demon had commandeered the vehicle. At precisely 8:00, we screeched to a stop in front of the church. People heading into the church stopped and turned to look at us as I jumped out of the car and my brother peeled away from the curb. "What movie are you filming out there?" One smartass asked me as I ran past him up the stairs with my bellbottoms fluttering. I ran down the hall to the parish rectory until I saw Katie standing outside a door. She just stared at me as she took in my outfit.

  "I made it," I said.

  "What no purple scarf?" She asked.

  "Yeah, like I wanted to debut my new bellbottoms at our first pre-cana meeting."

  "I'm sure you have some ridiculous story to explain this."

  "Of course I do. Should I share it with the entire group?"

  "Please don't," Katie said as we entered the room. I tried to ignore the snickers as we walked to the only remaining empty seats that were, of course, all the way in the front. I walked with as much dignity as I could muster.

  The deacon gave me the once over before beginning the meeting. "Welcome to pre cana. I'm Deacon Smith. To begin, let's start at the front of the room. Just stand up, say your names and what you do. Okay?"

  Katie and I stood. "I'm Katie Tillis and this is Joseph Bolding. I'm an accountant," said Katie.

  "I'm currently unemployed," I said.

  I could hear someone in the back of the room say, "No kidding."