When We Danced at the End of the Pier

by Sandy Taylor

  ‘It’s because of the tallyman, Dadda.’

  ‘Brenda saw the tallyman put in a black car and he was dead,’ I said.

  ‘That poor man was old, Brenda. Nelson is just a child,’ said Daddy.

  With that, Brenda burst into tears, so Daddy sat between us and put his arms around our shoulders.

  I started gabbling. ‘Jack says they’re going to put Nelson in a children’s home because he’s an orphan but he’s not an orphan, Daddy, he’s got a mum who lives in the bottom of a bottle. How can you live in the bottom of a bottle, Daddy?’ I said, then I started blubbing, just like Brenda.

  Daddy kissed the tops of our heads. ‘I think what we all need is a nice hot cup of cocoa, Mummy.’

  ‘I’ll do that, Pat,’ said Mummy, going into the kitchen.

  Daddy took hold of our hands. ‘Now, dry those tears and I’ll tell you what’s happened.’

  We dried our eyes and listened.

  ‘Now, the most important thing is that Nelson is safe and being looked after properly. Isn’t that what we want for him?’

  We both nodded.

  ‘Well, that’s what is going to happen. He is going to live somewhere where he will be safe and where no one will ever hurt him again.’

  ‘Did you know that his mum hits him, Daddy? I thought it was his dad but Jack says he hasn’t got a dad so it must be his mum.’

  ‘I think Nelson’s mum was ill, Maureen. That’s what I think.’

  ‘When I had the chicken pox I didn’t hit anyone,’ said Brenda.

  ‘Is Nelson’s mum dead, Daddy?’ I said.

  ‘Yes, my love, she is.’

  ‘I thought so,’ I said, sadly. ‘Does Nelson know?’

  ‘Yes, he does.’

  ‘Did he cry?’ I said.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Even though she was mean to him?’

  ‘Yes, Maureen, even though she was mean to him. You see, she was still his mum.’

  ‘Did she die in the bottom of that bottle, Daddy?’ said Brenda softly.

  ‘I suppose she did, my love. I suppose that’s exactly what she did.’

  Then Mummy came in with the cocoa and we sat in front of the fire and we thought about Nelson.

  That night, in bed, me and Brenda cuddled up together under the blankets.

  ‘Maureen?’ said Brenda.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Must have been a bloody big bottle.’

  Eighteen

  Me, Jack and Monica were peering through the wrought-iron gates towards the long drive that led up to the house. There was a sign next to the gate that read: ‘Home for destitute boys’.

  ‘What exactly does destitute mean?’ asked Monica.

  ‘It means kids who have nowhere else to go,’ said Jack.

  ‘That would be Nelson then,’ I said sadly.

  ‘I’m afraid so,’ said Jack.

  Jack’s dad had gone down to the welfare people and he had no trouble finding out where they’d taken Nelson, probably because he wore a suit and polished his shoes.

  The orphanage was in Portslade, just along the coast from Brighton. Me and Monica didn’t have the money for the tram, so we’d all walked. We spent Jack’s tram fare on a bag of gobstoppers for Nelson. I’d been worried all the way there. I was trying to imagine what an orphanage would look like. All I could think of were two books that Aquinas had read to us. One was called Oliver Twist and the other one was Jane Eyre; both books had given me nightmares for weeks. Daddy had gone down to the school and told her she should be reading decent Catholic books to us, not filling our heads with horror stories and giving us nightmares. That went down well. Thanks, Daddy!

  Anyway, that’s what I was imagining but this place didn’t look scary at all. The sun shining on the red brick made the building look warm and welcoming and it was surrounded by tall trees and lush green lawns. I was pleased to see that it didn’t have rows and rows of windows like the hospital where Daddy had been.

  ‘It doesn’t look so bad, does it, Jack?’

  ‘Well, it looks better than the place he came from, that’s for sure.’

  ‘But he’s not free, is he?’ said Monica. ‘I’d rather be free and live in a slum.’

  Jack looked surprised. ‘You’re right, Monica,’ he said, smiling at her.

  I wished I’d said that and not Monica, then Jack would have smiled at me and not her.

  Jack pushed the gate and it opened easily, so we started to walk up the drive.

  ‘Do you think they’ll let us see him?’ I said.

  ‘They might not,’ said Jack. ‘Most people treat kids like they’re a load of morons.’

  ‘Which most of them are,’ said Monica and Jack smiled at her again.

  I was beginning to feel like a spare part. Jack was mine, not bloody Monica’s.

  ‘What do you think?’ said Monica.

  I hadn’t even heard the question. ‘About what?’

  ‘Wake up, sleepy head,’ said Jack.

  ‘I am awake,’ I snapped.

  ‘We were wondering whether to knock on the front door or go round the back. Is something wrong, Maureen?’ he asked.

  ‘No, sorry I snapped. I’m just worried, I suppose.’

  ‘I think we all are but we’re here now so let’s do it.’

  ‘Fighting talk,’ I said. I got one of Jack’s beautiful smiles and I was happy.

  We decided to try the front of the house. Jack rang the bell and we could hear it echoing inside the building. Eventually a man opened the door. He didn’t look a bit like Mr Bumble or the headmaster of Lowood School where poor Jane Eyre went.

  ‘And what can I do for you?’ he said, smiling down at us.

  ‘We’ve come to see our friend, sir,’ said Jack.

  ‘And what is your friend’s name, young man?’

  ‘Nelson Perks.’

  ‘Ah yes, Nelson. I’m sure he’ll be delighted to see you. Now, why don’t you go down into the grounds and wait for him there and I will send him out to you?’

  We thanked him and ran down the slope into the gardens.

  ‘That was easier than I thought it would be,’ said Jack.

  ‘He seemed like a nice man,’ I said.

  ‘Well, I wish he’d invited us in, I’m freezing,’ said Monica.

  So was I. The sun was shining but it was only January and there was a cold wind that whipped around my bare legs.

  The boy running down the bank towards us didn’t look like Nelson at all. He was wearing long grey trousers and a nice navy coat.

  ‘I can’t believe you found me,’ he said, running up to us.

  Me and Monica threw ourselves at him and Jack gave him a playful punch on the arm.

  Everything about Nelson was shiny, from his hair down to his boots.

  ‘Look at you, all posh,’ said Jack.

  ‘And so clean!’ said Monica. Which made us all laugh.

  ‘They’ve got a thing about cleanliness here,’ said Nelson, grinning.

  Monica was staring at him.

  ‘What?’ he said.

  ‘How did you get so fat? You’ve only been here a couple of weeks.’

  He didn’t answer her question but said, ‘Let’s go for a walk. Away from the house.’

  We followed Nelson as he led us across the lawns, through a stone archway and into a rose garden. I could just imagine how beautiful it would be when the roses were in bloom. We all sat down on a wooden bench.

  ‘This is my favourite place,’ said Nelson. ‘You can be on your own here.’

  ‘You are OK though, aren’t you?’ I said. ‘No one’s mean to you?’

  ‘I can stick up for myself. Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am to have ended up here. Some of the boys have been in places that weren’t so good.’

  I’d never thought of Nelson as being particularly good-looking but seeing him today, with his new clothes, shiny hair and scrubbed face, I thought he looked nice, not as handsome as Jack, but nice. Monica was right though; he had got
very fat. The buttons on his coat were straining against the navy material.

  ‘I guess the food’s good then?’ I said, looking at his tummy.

  Nelson laughed, put his hands inside his coat and pulled out his old brown jumper.

  ‘Will you look after this for me, Maureen? They threw away all the clothes I arrived in. I managed to rescue this out of the bin.’

  He handed it to me. There were more holes in it than wool; I could see why they threw it away. ‘Of course I’ll look after it,’ I said.

  ‘Thanks, Maureen.’

  We sat quietly on the bench, just happy to all be together again.

  ‘I’m sorry about your mum,’ said Jack, breaking the silence.

  ‘She wasn’t well,’ said Nelson.

  ‘I know she wasn’t,’ replied Jack, softly.

  ‘She’ll be better now.’

  ‘Course she will,’ said Jack. ‘And you’ve still got us, mate.’

  Nelson smiled around at us. ‘I can’t believe you came.’

  ‘You didn’t think we’d leave you here on your own, did you?’ I said, linking my arm through his.

  ‘I didn’t know what to think. I just had to do what they said I should do and go where they said I should go. No one asked for my opinion, I just had to do what they said.

  ‘I was sent here and I didn’t know anyone and I missed you lot and my house and my mum.’

  Tears were now running down his face and he wiped them away with the sleeve of his new coat.

  ‘Haven’t you got any relatives at all? Someone who would take you in?’ said Jack.

  ‘That’s what they kept asking me but I don’t think I have. It’s always been just me and Mum.’

  ‘Well, you’ll always have us and we’ll come and see you every week. Do you think they’d let you come out with us on Saturday?’

  ‘Not without an adult, it’s one of the rules.’

  ‘My dad’ll come here with us,’ I said. ‘Then we can spend the day together.’

  Nelson grinned. ‘That’d be great.’

  We could hear a bell ringing in the distance.

  ‘I’ve got to go in for my tea.’

  We walked back to the house and said our goodbyes.

  ‘Don’t let anyone wash my jumper, Maureen. It’s likely to fall apart.’

  ‘I won’t, but I’m sure my Aunty Marge can patch up the holes.’

  ‘Thanks, Maureen, but I’d rather have it the way it is.’

  ‘Fair enough.’

  ‘We’ll see you next Saturday then,’ said Jack. ‘And Maureen will bring her dad along.’

  ‘That’ll be great,’ he said, smiling at us. ‘By the way, Maureen, where’s Brenda?’

  ‘Daddy said that it would be too far for her to walk.’

  ‘Say hello to her for me.’

  ‘I will.’

  We watched him go back into the house and then we started walking back down the drive. I held his brown jumper close to my heart.

  Nineteen

  One of Mum’s rich ladies said she wasn’t needed any more so she was crashing and banging around the kitchen.

  ‘And not so much as a thank for all those bloody years I cleaned up after her ungrateful children and smarmy husband!’ she yelled, nearly taking the hinges off one of the doors. ‘Never a birthday card or a Christmas card in all that time, miserable cow! She made me feel as if she was doing me a favour, letting me clean for her.’

  ‘Who’s going to clean for her now, Mummy?’ I asked.

  ‘Some fourteen-year-old strip of a girl straight out of school that will only cost her pennies.’

  ‘I could leave school, Mum. I could. I could leave school and get a job.’

  ‘You’re not even twelve yet, Maureen. Me and your dad want you stay on till you’re fourteen.’

  She stopped crashing around and smiled at me. ‘Look,’ she said softly. ‘I don’t want you worrying, we’ll manage. Brighton is full of rich ladies, I was just letting off a bit of steam. I want you to learn all you can at school, I don’t want you out working until you have to. Childhood is short enough as it is.’

  ‘Maybe Uncle John and Aunty Marge would let me help out on the stall.’

  ‘I think your daddy likes to do that when he can.’

  ‘Is Daddy alright?’

  ‘He’s not great, love.’

  Daddy had been my normal daddy for so long now that I’d almost forgotten that I had two other daddies. Now he was acting funny again and it was making me feel bad inside. The house had a feeling about it when Daddy was ill. You could sense it as soon as you walked through the door, you just knew that your normal daddy was gone and there was a different one in his place. When me and Brenda came home from school we didn’t know which one would be there.

  I’d asked Daddy if he would come to the orphanage with us to take Nelson out for the day and he’d said, ‘Of course I will, it will be like a rescue mission. We’ll rescue Nelson and run away with him.’

  ‘He has to be back in time for his tea, Daddy.’

  ‘Then we’ll rescue him until teatime. How about that?’

  ‘That would be great,’ I’d said.

  * * *

  And now it was nearly Saturday and Daddy had been shut in the bedroom since Sunday and we wouldn’t be able to rescue Nelson at all.

  Me and Monica and Brenda were sitting on the field at the end of the road. It was chilly and the three of us were wrapped up in warm coats, scarves and gloves. There was a group of boys kicking a ball around. They were wearing short trousers and thin shirts; their little bony knees were all scratched and muddy.

  ‘I don’t think boys feel the cold like girls do,’ I said.

  ‘That’s cos they’re thick,’ said Monica, grinning. ‘The cold can’t get through.’

  ‘Jack’s not thick,’ I said.

  ‘You wouldn’t notice if he was,’ said Monica.

  ‘Wouldn’t I?’

  ‘It’s because she loves him,’ said Brenda. ‘You do, don’t you, Maureen? You love Jack.’

  All of a sudden Monica pointed across the field. ‘That’s your dad, isn’t it?’ she said.

  My heart gave a lurch as I looked over at the boys playing football. There was my dad in the middle of them, wrestling the ball away from them and dashing down the field with them all running after him. They were laughing and pointing and making fun of him. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.

  ‘Do you want to go home?’ asked Monica, softly.

  I was staring at Daddy as he continued to make a fool of himself, running round and round the field with the boys running after him. Mum was at work so it was up to me to do something.

  Brenda had gone very quiet. I took her hand. ‘It’s OK,’ I said, ‘Daddy’s just having fun with the boys.’

  She looked up at me. ‘Is he?’ she said doubtfully.

  ‘Yes. Look how fast he can run.’

  Brenda smiled. ‘He can run faster than any of them, can’t he, Maureen?’

  ‘He can. Now I want you to go home with Monica and I’ll wait for Daddy.’

  But Brenda was looking worried again. ‘Why must I go home?’

  ‘Because it’s bloody cold, that’s why.’

  ‘You won’t be long, will you?’ she said.

  ‘Nope. I’ll just wait until Daddy’s finished playing football and I’ll be home.’

  I mouthed ‘Thanks’ to Monica and I watched them both walk across the field. Brenda looked back at me and I gave her the biggest grin I could manage.

  I had never seen Daddy do this before – he usually stayed in the house when he was bonkers. But then I didn’t know what he was doing when I was at school and Mammy didn’t know what he was doing either because she was at work.

  I didn’t know what to do; I was a child, I wasn’t a grown-up. Mum could always calm him down but I’d never managed to. Usually I took Brenda out of the way and hoped that he’d be calmer when we got back. But Mummy wasn’t here.

  I start
ed to walk towards the boys. One minute I was walking towards them all and the next minute I was flat on the ground and I could hardly breathe. I’d got in Daddy’s way as he tore after the ball. Daddy was down on his knees beside me, stroking my face and crying, ‘Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ It was as if something had switched in his brain and made him normal again. He helped me to my feet and brushed the grass off my coat. Then he put his arms around me and held me tightly against him. I loved him and I hated him and I clung to him and I wanted to run away from him. The boys weren’t laughing any more and they drifted away from us.

  ‘It’s alright, Daddy,’ I said. ‘It’s alright.’

  He shook his head from side to side as if he was trying to clear it. ‘Oh, Maureen,’ he said sadly, ‘my little Maureen.’

  ‘It was my fault, Daddy, I got in the way.’

  He took my face gently in his hands. ‘It will never be your fault. Don’t ever think that it is your fault.’

  Suddenly I felt at peace and all the worry and sadness seemed to leave me. The boys must still have been on the field but all I could hear was the soft rustling of the wind as it blew gently through the trees. I leaned into him and I felt his heart beating beneath his coat. It felt as if we were alone in the world and I wanted to stay in his arms forever and never let him go. I wasn’t afraid any more. I knew in that moment that I only had one daddy and the other two were just another part of him. I wished that I could hold him forever and keep him safe forever. I wished that I could wrap this moment up and keep it in my pocket. I loved my daddy; I always would.

  Twenty

  As it turned out, I ended up going to see Nelson on my own. Daddy was getting better but he was very quiet and had taken to going for long walks on the Downs. Mummy preferred it if one of us went with him and today Brenda was going. Monica had to look after her little brother Archie and Jack had to stay indoors and study for some stupid school exam. I knew that Nelson would be looking forward to going out for the day, so someone had to go and see him and explain, besides which I missed Nelson a lot.

  The walk to the orphanage seemed even longer than the last time because I had no one to talk to. I thought that I’d never bloody get there. By the time I arrived at the gates I was exhausted. I pushed them open and they moved easily just like the last time. It had been threatening to rain all morning so I hoped they’d still let Nelson out into the gardens.